Husband has ended our marriage :(

[polly0809]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
I can honestly say it’s been amazing and we’ve always got on so well.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been an anxious person. Particularly health anxious.
He’s always supported me through this and it’s always been at a manageable level.

Last year we decided to try for our first baby.
During pregnancy my anxiety peaked.
I worried a lot and I was referred for CBT via my GP.

I thought once my baby was born my anxiety would Improve, but only a few weeks after she was born the world started to enter into a pandemic!!

I struggle most days. I worry about my own health, I’m worry about my babies health, I worry about Covid :(
I’ve lost my spark and my enthusiasm, I struggle to see light at the end of this pandemic and I can’t see a future.

Over the last few weeks my husband and I have argued a lot.
He gets really angry with me for how much I worry.

I know we’re both struggling with lack of sleep, lack of space from one and other and lack of normal routine.
But last night he told me he wants to end our marriage as he can’t see a future with me and my anxiety.

He also think I no longer love him.

I do. But right now where my head is at, I don’t feel like I can focus on being a wife to him, the only thing I can seem to focus on is my intense anxiety around health.

I’m in bits. I do love my husband but these last few months have been so testing for us and sometimes I do feel like I really resent him, although I’m not entirely sure what for.
I guess sometimes for the way he speaks to me and how he makes me feel so bad and unreasonable for being as anxious as I am about most things!!

I just don’t know what to do :(

On some level I’m not happy in my marriage.
But I don’t think that’s my husband, it’s me.

I’m angry at myself for how much I worry, I’m angry that I’m doing a bad job of being a wife and making my husband happy.
I feel like I’ve failed :(

I also had bad PPA, and since starting on SSRIs my mental health has improved.

While I was suffering I wouldn't say I was failing my partner or child, but it definitely wouldn't have been fair to them for me not to take up the avenues my doctor advised.

When it's been ongoing anxiety, and not just a one off bout it's usually because the levels of hormones we have that help us moderate our mood are off and it might need more than CBT to rectify it.

I'm sorry your husband is leaving, but as someone else says. There are no bad guys here and your priority should be making sure you're dealing with your anxiety in the best ways you can.

OP you didn’t chose to have such bad anxiety and neither did your husband. It must be incredibly wearing on a marriage in normal times , never mind now. And with a new baby !

My hunch is that I’m sure he meant was he said at the time..that’s he’s had enough and it’s making him question his feelings. He’s voicing his concerns and unless he said it in a cruel way that in itself doesn’t make him a twat.

The issue is what does he actually want to do next? Just saying it to you without a clear plan is unkind and will only increase your anxiety . Can you find the strength to sit him down and ask him how this will actually work? It might give you some feeling of control and it might make him realise the seriousness of what he has said.

Might it be worth going (back) to GP? Sometimes medication and/or referral to psychiatrist may help. It does sound like it is impacting yours and your family’s life a lot. Also, there might be a post-natal element to it.

Have you tried medication? I have been taking sertraline for 18 months and it has brought my anxiety back down to semi-normal levels after a long downward spiral post having kids. I've had counselling in tue past and am on the waiting list for CBT but right now sertraline is working miracles for me and my family. for you and your family, anxiety is tough on everyone.

I have to disagree with posters who says that he has failed you. It sounds clear to me that he has tried his best to help you. Deciding to step away from a relationship because it doesn't bring you happiness, is much better than staying, pretending and ending up hating/resenting that person. It sounds to me as if he is honest with you about how he feels, not as if he is dropping you when you are at your lowest. I have huge sympathy with you, OP, but also with him. He has every right to feel tired, under pressure and everything else he feels. I hope you get help and that you both can work your way through this.

I had very bad Postpartum Anxiety (PPA). I did see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. A wee bit of medication temporarily really helped me get over the hump.

I still suffer from anxiety and therefore still keep the meds on hand. When things really spiral, I bite off half. (It make me feel like Alice in Wonderland with her mushroom!)

I hope you are open to meds. One word of caution, though. Some GPs routinely prescribe an antidepressant for anxiety. Some ADs (Prozac, for example) may increase your agitation, so you may have to do some h/w first.

Using every tool available may also show your husband you are trying to fight the anxiety and may reassure him.

Remember the anxiety is a liar. You must counter the lie that you are "failing". My own particular phrase was "F*ck you!"

You'll get through this!

@Tara66

"Do you just have too much imagination? Can you not control your mind with ''what ifs..'' about things that may not happen? We only die once!"

Your post is disturbing.

Anxiety in its most severe forms can be a serious, debilitating, life-threatening illness. Millions, through no fault of their own, suffer from this medical condition. If Polly had asthma, would you say "Can you not control your breathing?"

Yes, we only die once, but for some of us, fear of death and terrible things happening to our loved ones or ourselves is a very real, very painful thing that occurs without warning. Over and over. If Polly could control her thoughts and stop this from happening don't you think she would?

She reached out to MN for help. Ill-informed, hurtful messages can make things so much worse. If that's all you can offer, please keep those thoughts to yourself.

I think your husband is being very unfair especially making such a huge decision during a pandemic. You should remind him of the vows he took!

I grew up with a mum who suffered with terrible anxiety and I left home the minute I could at 18. I found her anxiety affected her temperament; attitude and generally made her distinctly miserable to be around. It really is fair for a person to get to the point where they just cannot deal with that anymore.

Op, you need to get more help for your anxiety as it will eventually also affect your child’s life. You also deserve more than feeling so anxious all of the time. I can only imagine it’s awful.

Would your husband reconsider do you think if you looked for more help and support? Also have you considered medication? I took sertraline for OCD and it really helped me. I know it is affective for anxiety too.

I really hope you manage to find the help you need.

Your husband is being a spoilt brat as the attention is no longer solely on him and your priorities have changed. I have seen this a lot with men. My husband kept going on about how much I changed after having my first baby 7 months ago, yeh no shit.
As for the anxiety, I have always struggled with it too but post birth was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat dinner becuase I was anxious about how the night was going to go. My little boy cried loads for the first few nights as I had a traumatic birth but even when he settled down I was anxious. It was a horrible time.
You don’t need the stress from your husband, have you got family who can help you? Get into a routine with the baby (as much as you can with a newborn!). I found this helped my anxiety immensely. Don’t worry about him or his feelings. You and your baby are the most important thing.

You trying yoga and mindfulness.

Thanks everyone.

I haven’t tried meds before. I’m not against the idea of being on them but I was hoping some CBT, mindfulness, exercise etc would help me through this.

I know I’ve been incredibly difficult to be around. I do worry about most things, and often Im irrational and I catastrophize!
I personally find it so exhausting so I can only imagine how exhausting it is for my husband.

I really don’t want our relationship to end and I don’t think he does, I know he loves and cares for me, I just don’t think he can live his life being bogged down by my constant anxiety and the need for reassurance.

It does sound incredibly awful for both of you - i know that i would find it painful to live with someone with such severe anxiety.

HOWEVER, you are now a mum, and you have to put your baby's welfare first, so it might be time to try medication, before you start transferring all your health anxieties onto the baby. Possibly, if your DH sees you making a greater effort to get help, he will make more of an effort to support you. He also needs to consider the baby's welfare, and if there needs to be another more rational adult in the household.

@Jamjar18 To throw the standard accusation at her husband that's he merely a spoiled brat, who's resentful he's no longer the centre of his wife's attention, seems unfair. She's been in a state of acute constant anxiety for three months? now. That's exhausting to deal with. Of course he should have dealt with it better. He seems to be taking it too personally and thinking its something he can solve.

I don't think he's serious about leaving. Its probably just a spur of the moment declaration borne out of desperation. I hope you can both get through this.

You may or may not end up finding medication helpful. What you must do is not constantly turn to him for reassurance. If you’re suffering from anxiety then there is nothing he can say that will actually reassure you.
I have anxiety and depression and found CBT really helpful. It’s not a quick fix though and takes practice!
Could you focus on what he could do? Could you say you need a hug or could he do something practical that’s bothering you but you’re too anxious to do.
Anxiety is awful. It really is. But you can make progress and move forwards. I really hope you can do that together OP. Good luck.

In 12 years you haven't tried medication

You really need to try much harder to work on your anxiety - if one hour once a week isn't enough then you need to do more

My CBT was an hour a week but also lots of homework.

It sounds like it would be a good idea for you both to see your GP, together or separately.

It seems likely you have postnatal depression/anxiety, and likely that you had it antenatally as well. If you’ve struggled with it inthe past then pregnancy/postpartum is a super high risk time for it to get worse. Some medication may help.

I’d say it’s a good idea to listen to your partner’s feelings and perhaps agree to just take some time before making any decisions about your relationship if possible - you’re in a very vulnerable time with a young baby, and isolation/social distancing is making a lot of mental health problems much worse. Also - Outlets that your partner may have had previously To manage his own mental health may not be available at the moment (eg friends, sports) and he is also dealing with a new baby. Is he self-aware? Do you think he realises that these external (And temporary) circumstances may be having a huge effect on how he is feeling about the relationship, and on his ability to support you? Do you think he could also have postnatal depression - as it happens to Dads too? Are there things that you two can change to help each other just now - eg some alone time each day for fresh air, mindfulness app as someone suggested, virtual catch ups with friends?

To me it doesn’t sound like your relationship is unsalvageable at this point, just that you need to address these problems and try to make some constructive changes - as well as cut yourselves some slack, it’s a very very hard time for a lot of people right now.

Your husband is being a spoilt brat as the attention is no longer solely on him and your priorities have changed. I have seen this a lot with men. . Have you actually read anything else the OP posted? He's support her through 12 years of anxiety, why's he a 'spoilt brat?' It's so easy just to jump on the 'men are shits' trope isn't it....

Sorry to hear this OP. Some mainly good suggestions on here.
Look after yourself and your lovely baby. I hope your marriage can be saved if that's the right thing but you will get through this.

**In 12 years you haven't tried medication

You really need to try much harder to work on your anxiety - if one hour once a week isn't enough then you need to do more**

@LaurieFairyCake i haven’t suffered for a continuous 12 years. There have been a lot of years during our time together that my anxiety has been very minimal and I’ve managed quite well.
Unfortunately there have been times that it becomes much harder to deal with, however I would say this this particular instance is by far the hardest. Given the current circumstances I’m sure you could see why.

The times that it has been minimal and you've managed well is when you need to put in place support/medication/coping mechanisms for when it's not going well as you now know that for you it goes through phases

You do need to listen to your partner if you trust him - if he is saying being around you is unbearable and he's previously stuck with you for 12 years then you need to act now and do everything to regain your mental health

My husband has had low level (non health) anxiety for our whole relationship. It recently got worse and was contributing to making him ill. He was prescribed sertraline as part of his treatment for his condition and was a bit at first but he absolutely loves it!! Says he wishes he had known about it before and didn't realise how anxious he was until he started experiencing a more healthy level. He has stopped or massively reduced a lot of his OCD behaviours, just naturally without trying. It took a while to kick in, maybe a month or so, and he felt poorly for the first couple of weeks but it has definitely been worth it so I really recommend trying the medication route OP. Best of luck with it.

How many times have people stated that if someone isn't happy in a marriage for whatever reason they are entitled to end that marriage?

The husband is in a relationship which after 12 years has now become unbearable and that is completely understandable.

OP I hope you are able to manage your anxieties and wish you the best for the future.

Name changed for this. Firstly sending big hugs OP. I’ve been on both sides of the table with this one. I have had anxiety for years (now very well controlled with sertraline), I know it has been difficult for my DP to deal with at times (though not in the context of having a new baby and Coronavirus too!). On the other hand he has had severe depression before and I found it absolutely exhausting and disheartening to be constantly listening (I realise this may make me sound bad) to his negative thoughts and so frustrating that nothing I could say would make it better (I know that wasn’t his fault). Sometimes I had to take some time for myself to “reset” before we had another conversation about how he was feeling, and I think he understood this. It might help your DH to do this too. Also couples counselling (though I understand difficult to access at the moment) could be very useful in this situation. Are you still in regular contact with your GP? Would you consider medication? Wishing you all the best with this really tough situation.