Husband has ended our marriage :(

[polly0809]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
I can honestly say it’s been amazing and we’ve always got on so well.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been an anxious person. Particularly health anxious.
He’s always supported me through this and it’s always been at a manageable level.

Last year we decided to try for our first baby.
During pregnancy my anxiety peaked.
I worried a lot and I was referred for CBT via my GP.

I thought once my baby was born my anxiety would Improve, but only a few weeks after she was born the world started to enter into a pandemic!!

I struggle most days. I worry about my own health, I’m worry about my babies health, I worry about Covid :(
I’ve lost my spark and my enthusiasm, I struggle to see light at the end of this pandemic and I can’t see a future.

Over the last few weeks my husband and I have argued a lot.
He gets really angry with me for how much I worry.

I know we’re both struggling with lack of sleep, lack of space from one and other and lack of normal routine.
But last night he told me he wants to end our marriage as he can’t see a future with me and my anxiety.

He also think I no longer love him.

I do. But right now where my head is at, I don’t feel like I can focus on being a wife to him, the only thing I can seem to focus on is my intense anxiety around health.

I’m in bits. I do love my husband but these last few months have been so testing for us and sometimes I do feel like I really resent him, although I’m not entirely sure what for.
I guess sometimes for the way he speaks to me and how he makes me feel so bad and unreasonable for being as anxious as I am about most things!!

I just don’t know what to do :(

On some level I’m not happy in my marriage.
But I don’t think that’s my husband, it’s me.

I’m angry at myself for how much I worry, I’m angry that I’m doing a bad job of being a wife and making my husband happy.
I feel like I’ve failed :(

@ OP I'm glad it resonated with you - well I'm not glad of the fact that this is your experience right now but it can mean something to see that others recognise what you are going through. You are certainly not alone. If you are identifying with how thoughts might work in that post then you are in a good place for getting through this as I think understanding what's going on is key - and CBT is great for that.

Anxiety is highly treatable and there are great recovery rates and you can see from people in this thread how lives can be transformed. Good luck with it all!

Thanks everyone! There are some really great responses and I appreciate everyone taking the time to explain their own experiences with me.

I’ve had my CBT today and I have a telephone appointment with my GP tomorrow to discuss medication.

@FallonSwift

I feel this is what my anxiety is like.

Prior to this particular instance, I’ve had a good few years of it being manageable and it didn’t interfere with my life so much.

"I’ve had my CBT today and I have a telephone appointment with my GP tomorrow to discuss medication."

Good for you for taking the advice on board! Based on everything you have said, finding and taking a medication which can alleviate your anxiety is absolutely the responsible way to proceed. It will make things much easier for you and your DH and hopefully allow you to repair your marriage; it will also free you up to enjoy parenthood more fully, and ultimately your DD will benefit from having a less anxious mother.

If they do start you on it, make sure you are on the lowest possible dose to start of with. I've heard of some doctors starting people on 20mg of citalopram which is too much initially. Start low (5mgs) , and go up if you need to.

@polly0809 I sympathise. It's an awful feeling and it's so difficult to explain to someone that has never had it. The fact that you know you are catastrophising and panicking and being irrational but you can't control it or stop it.

I go on and off of Setraline. It has literally been a lifesaver for me (my panic attacks and depressive spirals are so bad I can end up being suicidal). It makes you feel calmer and more level and more like 'you'. It allows you to sleep and eat and exercise and be 'normal' so that your energy and confidence come back. That in turn allows you to feel strong enough to really get into therapy. Sometimes you might need to play with the dose a bit - I've been on anywhere between 50mgs to 200mgs depending on how bad things are. But don't be scared of a high dosage; you can always gradually adjust this as things improve.

Your life does not have to be ruled by this and don't punish yourself by thinking that you have to try and tough it out. You wouldn't suffer with a cracking headache without taking some painkillers - this is no different.

Speak to your GP and explain that it's potentially ended your marriage and you really need serious help. Talk to your husband and tell him that you want to try this. Ask him for some time - perhaps a temporary separation for some breathing space whilst you do this, and if things improve you both review where you are in terms of the future?

I started on prozac and it has been far better than sertraline. Weight neutral (no carb binging) and energising. Low doses and ineffective meds just give you the side effects without the benefits.
If you're so bad you're barely functioning you don't mess around with trying to half do it.
Just like you don't do half a chemo course if you have cancer. Once you're on them you have to take them for at least a year so you might as well embrace it and get the most out of it. A good one like prozac can change the whole course of your life! And those changes will stay after the meds are gone 🙂

You don’t have to try antidepressants
You could ask for sometime help your anxiety
Propranolol is one that is used most often for anxiety. Why not give that a try at a low dose

I too am on antidepressants, because it got to the point of me becoming very depressed and I really had no choice. I just wanted to die,( the illness made me feel like that) if you spoke to my gp she’d tell you I’m exactly like you are
I question everything, I um and agh , I have to go away and process it

Try the propranolol

Agree about propranolol. I had a bad couple of years with a pile up of stressful events and I started having panic attacks and spiralling anxiety.

As well as talking therapy my GP prescribed propranolol, just to take one or two if I felt panic coming on. It really helped, and even now when things are much better I sometimes take one if I feel the anxiety rising. It takes away the physical, chemical response and allows me to do a bit of mindfulness or similar to talk myself down.

Might be worth a go.

Hi OP

I do not think I have anxiety or depression, or atleast am not getting any help about it. I did however get anxiety while driving despite loving it before and for no reason. It made driving very hard but it did help me to learn about feelings, emotions and exposure.

With that caveat, my unqualified view, and with little to no exposure to mental health issues, is not to go on medication. I am prejudiced against it but I think your concerns are valid. I think we have a culture where it is easy to throw some pills at someone than to spend the time to help them overcome the problem. I think pills can patch over the problem without resolving the root problem.

I am not against people using medication, I know some say it saved their lives and professionals subscribe them, but there are people like me who are sceptical of them.

A couple of people I know who took it for medication, were numbed. It took a zest for the little things in life out of them. I think that is how they work.

If your Dr and therapist have not encouraged them, then why be coerced by random people here?

It should be noted, that this is among the most anxious, medically or not, time of your life. The world has never experienced such a virus or a lockdown in our lifetimes. The economy could go - it is a fact that the FT are reporting experts who think this will be worse than the Great Depression. And as a new mother, you have to grapple with all of those problems, not just for you but your daughter. On top of that, you have been starved of a social network when you need it the most, upon the arrival of your daughter.

So I think what you are experiencing is fair.

You are doing what you can and you have a husband who you love, who loves you and is still up for making it work.

Do you have high standards? In your career, appearance, being a mother etc? If so, try reducing them and focus on what really matters. I find, when anxious after drinking, that if what I worried about was true, it is not so much a problem. It is the not knowing, which is the problem. Perhaps some of what you worry about is not so bad?

I think you are doing well - you are aware of your husband, seeking help and guidance and trying. Why not try working on it a bit longer, and if you feel really bad you can always get emergency help? Cam with your family and speak to your friends as much as possible. Focus on others and remember how hard it is for some people now, with real problems due to virus. Perhaps that can help? Maybe try focusing on your husband for a bit to get your mind of your worries?

@cyrusl "i don't have any experience of anxiety or depression but i don't think you should get medical help, have you tried just not worrying so much?"

Your comment, while im sure kindly meant, is pretty ignorant and wildly unhelpful. There is a thread full of first hand experience of how medication has massively improved people's anxiety here, your hysterical anecdata is completely inappropriate. The OP's husband has literally ended their marriage over this. However aware of him she is, it isn't enough.

He hasn't failed you. You really need to get your anxiety in check, to save your marriage and not pass it on to your child. Please talk to your GP ASAP.

Is it mainly your anxiety issues that are making him want to divorce you? If you've had anxiety issues for many years now, I feel it's not intolerable but perhaps it has ramped up which is making it worse for him. Either due to hormonal changes from pregnancy/giving birth including post-natal depression (I think it can manifest as anxiety in some) paired with natural first time mother anxieties AND then the whole covid thing which is making everyone a bit anxious. Plus, he's exposed to it all more so because of lockdown. Maybe it's not you he wants to leave but the current situation (stuck in the house 24/7 due to lockdown, with a crying newborn and a very (understandably) anxious first time mother). He's not in the right but maybe he's lost all perspective and feels this is what it will be like from now on. Is he quite an impulsive person?

I'd say agree to it and even live apart for a while if that's possible during this lockdown period and once things calm down, things may get back to normal. I don't think he is correct, fair or understanding but equally, I don't think he's thinking his decision through properly either.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow when did I say

"i don't have any experience of anxiety or depression but i don't think you should get medical help, have you tried just not worrying so much?"?

Making up quotes from me is skank and you are playing with people's lives. I know this might be a bit of a fun or light relief to you, but I have seen the lifelong damage mental health can create on children.

Let's have a proper discussion about medication and stop making up quotes. If you want to quote me, don't cut and paste or change it. That's dirty.

@cyrusl i wasn't quoting, i was paraphrasing, surely that was obvious?

I would have been more than happy to debate this with you, but your use of the word "mong" shows that you're not the sort of person I want to be spending time talking to. Its pejorative, offensive, archaic and insulting, and I've reported it.

Ssris don't numb you out. Other meds might do - bipolar meds are very tricky for example.
Therapists don't recommend meds ever. Nor do they diagnose. I had a year of therapy that made my depression worse (because why wasn't I getting better?) and at no point did he suggest I was clinically depressed or mention medication. Therapists after that discouraged meds even though I was unable to engage with the frosty without them. I know several therapists who are very clear they do NOT talk about what you have or meds. So they are not 'professionals' in that sense and to see them as overseeing your mental health is very very dangerous.

A GP will offer help only if you are truthful and tell them what is going on. If you don't they won't.

Anxiety can be effectively managed using an alpha-stim (Used by the us military etc) which costs £500 but the OP will look it up decide that she will wait for the NHS to do it and not get any help.

So let's be clear. She gets no help apart from the current, wholly ineffective help and her husband leaves. Covid 19 is his last straw.
She takes what seems like a big risk and gets one of these things. Which may not be enough but probably will. If it doesn't she goes to the GP. Husband stays because she's done something, or she gives up, husband leaves.
She tries all the other 'natural' therapies' which help a bit, but not enough, so gets medical help and husband leaves. Because he can see she's not doing anything.
She talks to the GP (you can do it online through Babylon though you need to quit your own GP or for the tiny sum of £20 you use one of the private apps - staffed with nhs gps) and tells them what is in her head. They give her meds. She takes them, feels better, husband stays.

Because why should he stay if she won't get help? If she allows it to ruin their lives? Right now he's thinking life is short. Grab it, enjoy it. Don't be dragged under by someone who just refuses to sort themselves out after years of misery.

Even if she goes get help he may still leave. At least if she does it RIGHT NOW she has him in the house physically and has time to repair things. Leave it till after and he will be out and trying to move on.

@Vodkacranberryplease good points.,though OP has been to see her GP and presumably was open with her. I think her husband would be satisfied with her actions so far. If she is aware of the problem, eases of a bit, is seeking help, then that is a lot.

I think she should try what she is and then see. Like the OP said, she is tackling the root problems. I don't think meds are necessary and she should not do it out of fear of losing her husband. This is great what she has done so far. Well done OP. Very tough times and she is trying.

Cyrus you are very irresponsible using words like monged and playing to her fears. That's just so twisted. YOU have never had this. YOU have never had therapy (because you would know they do not ever discuss a diagnosis or meds - only psychiatrists or psychologists do that).

You also don't seem to grasp that you actually need to truthfully tell your GP how you feel as they aren't mind readers.

And If YOU had this you would know that anxiety and depression are serious. Crippling, life sapping conditions that destroy your life. Being a bit 'monged out' (pathetic phrase. Inaccurate because ssris are not drugs - they have no effect when you take them, they take at least a week to work) EVEN IF YOU WERE is NOTHING compared to what this shit does. Every minute of every day is thoughts going around and around and around.

And it makes those around you miserable because they get nothing from you,'like you just don't care about them.

Are ssris perfect? No. Do they have a price? Yes. Is there an alternative? No. I think the alpha stim is but because it's not free and you can't buy it in boots no one else will.

5htP, St. John's wort, fish oils. valerian - all good a little bit but not ever going to really fix it,

New therapies include ketamine and magic mushrooms - taken under medical supervision,

So those are the three options

• actual drugs at incredibly expensive prices
• a machine that apparently works and cost £500
• a GP who gives you ssris either free or very cheap that works but you need to get the type and dose right and they WILL have side effects.

There isn't a 4th or 5th option of a magic vitamin or therapy. Because therapy on its own isn't working. Because it doesn't.

And if the op doesn't do something right now her husband will leave - so don't pretend to care when what you're saying will result in him doing so,

@cyrusl the issue, quite apart from your offensive language use, is that you're completely uninformed about how modern antidepressants work.

No one is suggesting OP takes lithium! SSRIs do not numb you, at all. I have extensive experience of taking them for both depression and anxiety over the past 12 years and have never once felt numbed, or dulled down, foggy or anything other than a more balanced, happier, more stable version of myself. As you've admitted, you have no medical qualifications and no first hand experience, your point is purely conjecture and unfortunately completely inaccurate.

Cyrus at no point did she say she told her GP, if she had she would be on propranolol the others have mentioned (didn't work for me) or ssris. No GP would sit back and not help if they knew what was going on.

Her husband has told her that he's leaving, that's why she started this thread. He's miserable and can't take it any more, she isn't tackling the root problems if it's not working - she's taking the easy way out, because she's scared of medication because of people like you. I'll say it again
TALKING THERAPIES ON THEIR OWN DO NOT EORK FOR SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH CONDITIONS.

Therapists are very happy to take your money year after year. They don't care if your husband leaves or you lose your job, they compartmentalise and tell themselves they are doing Good Things. I doubt this is true CBT either - they are always very vague about what style they practice and most do a mix. CBT is designed to have an end point and to work.

The thing that stands out to me, OP is that perhaps you have complex bereavement/ trauma reaction to losing your friend. Perhaps it's worth looking at those avenues to explore your experience more. CBT is often less effective or feels invalidating when the underlying feelings are so visceral.

It's probably been triggered not only by the responsibility of a new baby, which we all feel to a degree but also the very real threat of covid at the same time (which we all fear could strike down a previously healthy young person, even if the odds are against it).