Husband has ended our marriage :(

[polly0809]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
I can honestly say it’s been amazing and we’ve always got on so well.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been an anxious person. Particularly health anxious.
He’s always supported me through this and it’s always been at a manageable level.

Last year we decided to try for our first baby.
During pregnancy my anxiety peaked.
I worried a lot and I was referred for CBT via my GP.

I thought once my baby was born my anxiety would Improve, but only a few weeks after she was born the world started to enter into a pandemic!!

I struggle most days. I worry about my own health, I’m worry about my babies health, I worry about Covid :(
I’ve lost my spark and my enthusiasm, I struggle to see light at the end of this pandemic and I can’t see a future.

Over the last few weeks my husband and I have argued a lot.
He gets really angry with me for how much I worry.

I know we’re both struggling with lack of sleep, lack of space from one and other and lack of normal routine.
But last night he told me he wants to end our marriage as he can’t see a future with me and my anxiety.

He also think I no longer love him.

I do. But right now where my head is at, I don’t feel like I can focus on being a wife to him, the only thing I can seem to focus on is my intense anxiety around health.

I’m in bits. I do love my husband but these last few months have been so testing for us and sometimes I do feel like I really resent him, although I’m not entirely sure what for.
I guess sometimes for the way he speaks to me and how he makes me feel so bad and unreasonable for being as anxious as I am about most things!!

I just don’t know what to do :(

On some level I’m not happy in my marriage.
But I don’t think that’s my husband, it’s me.

I’m angry at myself for how much I worry, I’m angry that I’m doing a bad job of being a wife and making my husband happy.
I feel like I’ve failed :(

Maybe it’s part of the answer, along with other things.

Maybe having the chemicals in your body in balance will make the other good things ( like medication or exercise ) work more for you.

I don’t know. But isn’t it worth a try after 12 years ?

Please consider talking to your Gp about it, they are all doing phone consultations. No one can make you take anything you don’t want to.

CBT alone may be the key. But it might not. Worth considering all the options.

I have huge sympathy with both of you.

I think you not wanting to go on medication is a manifestation of your anxiety OP - you sound very anxious about the possible effects - what if you can't get off it?! what if it makes you feel numb?! etc

It will probably not do that. It will probably make you feel loads better. I know it's difficult, but it probably will.

I have suffered from severe anxiety in the past. However, I would also find it very hard to cope with if my DP had a health condition that so severely affected and exhausted me too, but refused to even try medication for it. To be honest I would think his continuing to burden me with his health issue while refusing to take a proven, effective medication showed an awful lack of consideration for me and my feelings.

Please consider going back to the GP and asking for medication OP

I understand what people are saying.
But really, how is medication going to stop me from worrying.

I can’t imagine I’m going to stop worrying about my health or my dd’s health.

It’s not going to suddenly make me feel better about a pandemic. The worry and uncertainty of our futures.

I’m not going to take this pill and suddenly stop worrying am I?!

CBT is helping me to process my thoughts.
How my thoughts are linked with my anxiety.

Oh good - glad you are getting help in RL and that CBT is helping, but my goodness, your baby is 10 weeks.

It is such an upheaval having a newborn, along with living in a pandemic.

Tbh - I think most of us are somewhere on the anxiety scale.

@Wolfiefan said if best
I take an inhaler for asthma. I’m no more addicted to the fluoxetine than I am to the inhaler. That’s not how it works. It’s not a happy pill. It corrects what needs correcting.

Serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) are neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters regular emotions (i.e anxiety). All the CBT in the world won’t stop this is you have a chemical imbalance. This refusal to accept that medication could be a very good option for you is linked to your anxiety.

You say you don’t want to take medication forever, but do you want to live in a high state of anxiety, affect all your relationships forever? (because this WILL effect you your entire life. And you will have a dramatic negative effect on your child too). Do you honestly what to live a life without even giving medication a chance?

Regulate not regular

Christ that is littered with spelling mistakes sorry.

I don’t think it’s that I am point blank refusing medication. More that Im worried about being on it.

Would you be worried about taking an inhaler or insulin?

But really, how is medication going to stop me from worrying.

It's not. Everyone worries. But it might help you worry in a less destructive way.

@polly0809
I understand what people are saying.
But really, how is medication going to stop me from worrying.

I can’t imagine I’m going to stop worrying about my health or my dd’s health.

It’s not going to suddenly make me feel better about a pandemic. The worry and uncertainty of our futures.

I’m not going to take this pill and suddenly stop worrying am I?!

CBT is helping me to process my thoughts.
How my thoughts are linked with my anxiety.

__

The mechanisms through which antidepressants help some people with depression and anxiety still aren't fully understood, I think I'm right in saying the original medications were discovered by accident when trying to find medication that would improve another condition, and the people who took them unexpectedly reported better mood and reduced anxiety.

They do seem to help by boosting levels of neurotransmitters as PPs have already noted. One popular theory goes that for some people certain neurotransmitters are broken down too quickly, leading to lower levels of them. The antidepressants work by preventing the neurotransmitters breaking down too quickly.This effect (the neurotransmitters linger in the synapses for longer) enhances neuroplasticity in the brain, which is it's ability to re-wire, form new connections.

(Neuroplasticity is something we all have - it's the brain's capacity to change, learn, reorganise itself - children's brains are particularly 'plastic'!)

In people with depression and anxiety it is thought there is 'maladaptive plasticity' - their brains are stuck in a way, repeating unhelpful patterns and ruminations and unable to jump out of the rut. The medication works by enhancing neuroplasticity and enabling helpful remodelling of the brain connections to occur that leads to opportunities to change unhelpful ways of thinking.

This is what CBT is too - the opportunity to change unhelpful ways of thinking - it just occurs at a different level from medication which works on the brain neurotransmitters. They can work very well together.

I don’t think it’s that I am point blank refusing medication. More that Im worried about being on it

That of course is an anxious thought!

It always makes me smile when I have a patient I'm recommending anti-depressants too and they tell me they don't want to go on them because (and it's always the same reasons) 1) they are scared of them, 2) they are worried about being stuck on them, 3) they are worried they won't feel themselves and most popularly 4) they just don't see themselves as someone who should be on them as they ought to be able to think themselves out of it and not be weak.

And I wonder if they realise that their consultant, the doctor they are talking to right now, is on them, and more than half their team either is or has been on them at some point and swears by them.

Being anxious about starting a new medication is normal. Being so anxious that you haven't started one that is designed for your condition even though it is affecting you so badly that your marriage is breaking down is not a normal level of anxiety - that's your anxiety disorder stopping you from getting treatment that you need.

I understand what people are saying.
But really, how is medication going to stop me from worrying.

This isnt worry though, is it? It's anxiety so severe that it's destroying your marriage.

What you're experiencing isnt normal worry, its pathological, and that's what the medication will fix.

You don't have to take it, but not taking it will probably end your marriage and more than likely condemn your daughter to similar struggles throughout her life. It's up to you.

I went on anti depressants for anxiety and depression. I couldn't believe how much they helped me. I was on them for 3 years and recently came off after a year long taper.

These helped me live day to day, without over worrying about things beyond my control. I was able to breathe and not feel overwhelmed. They are hard to come off, but you do it very slowly to minimise any return feelings of anxiety. I came off, would have 2/3 days of feeling not quite right but stuck with it. I can honestly say they helped me hugely.

If you start medication and you don't like it, you can stop. It isn't a life sentence. Why not try out medication and see if it works for you?

Do you not think the best chance for your marriage would be to give everything possible a go? At the moment you have CBT which will hopefully work at some point in the future, but it will take a long time to get there. Medication is an option that could help you get there quicker and that might be enough to save your marriage. If was your husband, I would be wondering why you weren't willing to give the medication a go.

It baffles me that you would rather your husband divorces you than try medication that will help.

It baffles me because it’s like a diabetic saying they won’t take their insulin or do anything to eat properly because they don’t want to have to rely on it for life.

Well, fine. If it’s more important to you to be an anxious, divorced mess than to be in a loving marriage with a stable mood, then don’t try everything you can.

I think you’re being incredibly unfair to both your husband and your baby to not try harder. I recognise this is a manifestation of your illness but I’m sure that’s no comfort for your husband when he’s telling you your behaviour is so upsetting for him he thinks you need to split up.

Wow! So much for “in sickness and health” eh?

And the prejudice on mn continues to disappoint and anger me.

All of you defending and sympathising with the husband - would you honestly be saying the same if the op had ms or cancer? Would you fuck! You’d be slating him for abandoning her in her time of need.

Even people without health anxiety are very anxious in regard to covid.

Op has a pre-existing condition, PLUS the havoc hormones cause, PLUS no doubt lack of sleep due to newborn (what’s the bets said husband being pretty useless in this area too?) PLUS the entire world basically freaking over a particular condition.

Her husband should be doing all he can and more to support her and he sounds like he’s being pretty bloody callous to me!

Op you can’t make him stay if he wants to go. But he’s a shit for doing so.

Get as much support as you can from wherever you can, mh serviced were pitiful BEFORE this happened they’ve been reduced much more since which I suspect many of those posting are completely unaware of.

Take care of yourself as much as possible and don’t put undue pressure on yourself at this difficult time.

Your husband is being a spoilt brat as the attention is no longer solely on him and your priorities have changed I agree I think that’s what’s really happening here.

For YOU medication can and does work, there’s a lot of trial and error and if you don’t like what you’re on for whatever reason just tell your dr.

I have diagnosed ocd and I have had mixed experiences with meds but a few were incredibly helpful at the time, and massively “dialled down” the anxiety I feel.

I’m not happy on my current med but I plan to address that when this crisis is over. It’s not awful it’s just not helping me with anxiety, but my sleep and appetite are marginally better than when I’m not on meds.

Unfortunately I can’t take the meds that previously worked as I sort of became “allergic” - I have a lot of allergy issues. Pita!

Your post resonated with me so much OP.

I have experienced anxiety and OCD for years. Always felt I had managed and frankly had gotten used to that adrenilin/panicky feeling all day every day.

My partner is very much like yours in terms of the personality you describe and has always been understanding.

However after having my son two years ago it reached a pressure point. My mental health made me quite selfish and I needed constant reassurance even when I could see it was exhausting everyone around me. I also had 1:1 sessions of CBT but in all fairness I felt it was almost too late. The techniques were amazing but I was too anxious to even consider using them especially once away from the therapist.

Anyway... I went to the GP and I was put onto citalopram (in my head I never wanted medication) and quite frankly it has been life changing. The meds with the CBT has completely changed my life.

I am not advocating medication as such... but just to say please talk to your GP. I understand some of the replies about your husband needing to be there for you- but I suppose everyone has a breaking point. You are not at fault and neither is he. Just a crappy stressful situation right now. Please know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m not going to take this pill and suddenly stop worrying am I?!

I mean... yes, pretty much. That's what happened for me. Now I no longer fixate or obsess over things. Some of the things that used to worry me I now realise were irrational. The rational worries are a thousand times easier to deal with.

I hung on to my anxiety like a security blanket. I felt it was part of my personality, what made me who I was. And I believed if I stopped it then the anxieties would come true. I can see now that this stopped me from seeking treatment. I'm so angry at myself for that because my quality of life is infinitely better now. Don't do this to yourself.

I know people will bash me for this thought, but another worry I have right now about medication is how will that look on me as a new mum? 😔

What if the Drs and the health visitor think I just can’t cope with my baby and see me as some sort of unfit mum?

It’s just not true. My DD is amazing.

I really do think if this pandemic just disappeared, that things would be so so much easier for me.
I know I’d still have anxiety but I feel I’d be so much more rational and less panicky!!

You fears about the medication, and your fears about child protection taking your baby from you, are your anxiety speaking. The medication being recommended to you is quite safe, and won't have a drastic effect. It will take the edge off your anxiety and should make things easier to deal with.

You won't be seen as an unfit mum for being on medication.

I know many people worry about becoming addicted, or that it won't help, but don't you think it's worth trying for the sake of your family.

If you do end up separating, in years to come, your DD as much as she loves you, may decide spending more time with dad is better because of your anxiety and the effect it has on her.

Tbh id be much more likely to think you were an unfit parent if you were refusing treatment for a disorder that has the potential to negatively impact your child. Like anxiety so severe it's destroyed your marriage.

I'm on antidepressants. I came off them during pregnancy and went back on them afterwards. I have received nothing but praise from doctors and midwives for making the best choices for myself and my daughter.

There will always be a big scary thing to worry about. Global recession. Climate change. The rise of fascism in Europe. The Corona Virus pandemic will be ongoing for months if not years. Why would you condemn yourself to living like this indefinitely?

Frankly, your entire stance on this is pretty ableist.

You sound like you just want people to tell you that your husband is being a twat, and that you're good to stay as you are without damaging your family. Unfortunately, none of that is the truth.