Am I unreasonable?

[whattododoido]

I’m new to this..

So my boyfriend of a year and a half has a 5 year old son. I moved in with him for lockdown.
Both being off work he’s seen a lot more of his son. Which I understand. Me and his son have always got on but he is an extremely active child. He’ll wake at 6 and go to bed at 9 and every second he demands your attention. He’s also repetitive so I find it quite tiring and monotonous. As soon as he starts playing football he wants to know what we’re playing next. If I don’t cheer him he shouts at me. If I score a goal he calls me rubbish and pulls my clothes and has punched me. He’s bossy. I have to watch him ride his bike. If my partner kisses me he says well you haven’t kissed me. Or hugs etc. I try not to be touchy feeling around him and I always put the child first. I don’t get much peace. He even follows me in the toilet.
When daddy isn’t around he will kick things. I ask him not to but he doesn’t listen. He has even punched his own face. I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.
The school recently called my partner and his ex because his son punched a boy. But my partner still says it wasn’t his fault, the other boy was a bully.
Anyway, it came up in conversation I said maybe they shouldn’t play fight as that’s why he’s aggressive. My partner didn’t like the comment. Then we he spoke about when he was seeing his son next, and planning where he wants to take him on holiday etc I just said, I think couple time is important too. We’ve never had a couple holiday. Only a weekend away. He never asks what I want to do. The only time we eat out etc or go somewhere is the days he has his son. Call me old fashioned but a little romance wouldn’t go amiss and also it would be nice to know he appreciates the time and effort I dedicate to his child. He flipped his lid saying, it’s my son and stormed off. I didn’t mean that. I meant the time he doesn’t see him, can we not have some quality time. It escalated to an argument. I said you never do anything for me. You’re obsessed with your son and I’m bored of playing football, rugby, fighting, I’m not a bloke.
He flipped again. He ended it. Threw all of my stuff out on the landing and I had to leave. We haven’t spoken since. He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain. Unless I drive there which I’m not strong enough to do yet as I’m upset. It’s the first time I’ve get shouted back at him.
I’ve recently lost my dad to an illness and my mum is self isolating so I’ve had a lot on my mind.
Maybe I’ve just needed space and quiet time to deal with it and being around too much noise etc has gotten on top of me? And that’s how I reacted that way.
Has anyone else done anything similar? Am I bad for saying these things? Does it warrant ending the relationship? Or something we could discuss?
I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks.

OP... there's so much wrong with your last post...

I want to be settled. That's fine, but you don't need to settle for a relationship that isn't right!

Most men are hard work No they're not. You're making it hard work. It's only hard work when you cling onto a relationship when it's not working. Is this something that you do? Do you have a pattern of staying in relationships that are (clearly) over? Maybe that is clouding your judgement? Making you think men are hard work?

I have loved him but you ignored the bad bits! You can't communicate with him, had miserable holidays with him and are used as a free nanny and punchbag for his child. What do you think will happen if you have a child with this 'man'? From his track record, he's likely to cheat on you and won't help discipline or raise a decent human being. I'm failing to see what you love about him.

It's been easy to stay. But it hasn't has it? It's only been 'easy' when you shut up and put up.

But do men do that anyway? Why are you lumping half the population under the term 'men'? As if that's an excuse for a type of behaviour? This person you have been having a relationship with is behaving in ways you don't like. You are not compatible with HIM. Stop blaming 'men', blame HIM for his behaviour. You date different people for a reason... to find out if you are compatible. If you're not compatible, you move on. You don't try and make them be what you want them to be or settle for a relationship that doesn't make you happy, you MOVE ON!

Just let this one go OP... it's ok to be sad that you haven't found someone you thought you might be compatible with. It's not ok to settle. It's not ok to think 'men' behave a certain way so you have to put up with this shit.

Thank goodness you have your own place. Go home. Chill out. There's LOADS of online stuff available at the moment to log into and distract you.

I'm so sorry you've recently lost your dad. Believe me, if he was here now he'd be delighted that you'd got away from this awful man

You'll never be truly happy with him hun. You'll always be making do.

I'm not able to say if he loved you but he definitely loved the convenience of you.

If his child is like this now, imagine how worse he'll be as he gets older/ bigger/ stronger.

5he reason he broke up is because he realised that you were not compatible. He was looking for a woman able to love his child if not as much as him, enough to make him feel you could be a happy day together.

At first, you gave him this impression. You look forward to see his son, enjoyed spending time with him, and he believed you were taking his son as much as you were taking him. He believed when you looked after him, or play with him, you did so because you really enjoyed it, not to make him happy.

Then suddenly you start to express views that makes him question whether you actually even like him. You tell him that him that his child is not that well behaved, which he will interpret as not much loveable, make him inadequate for not disciplining him correctly, start to indicate that you want to spend time without him (because that's how he'll interpret suddenly asking to do more things just the two of you), and worse, in anger, tell him that he's obsessed with his son, which he will take it as your true feelings coming out.

He saw warnings that things would get worse rather than later and that it wouldn't work between you if you couldn't accept him as a parent and his son as he is rather than how you wish he was.

To be fair, he does have a very valid point. As a single mum, it was an absolute must that the man I committed to considered me a good mum, bringing my kids up with the same principles as those he valued, and genuinely enjoyed spending with them. Of course I didn't expect him to love them like I did, but enough to not wish they were different, or worse, tolerated them.vut deep inside wish they didn't exist.

Saying that, he seems to.also have unrealistic expectations to think that a woman, especially childless, wouldn't crave from couple time without kids and would want to jump straight into a family life.

He's made the right decision. You most likely need a man not yet a dad, and he a woman already a mum.

I'm sorry OP but you need to understand one really important thing. My DH is not 'special' (well he is to me obvs) he is what a NORMAL adult male with kids should be.

Yes he can be an arse at times and yes we argue sometimes but the bottom line is that he respects me, wants me to be happy and that comes in many forms - amongst them, asking what /where I want to do/go in our free time.

There are plenty of great men out there. ! Want to know how to find one ? It's easy .. do not put up with poor behaviour. ! Someone treats you badly, then leave ! If DH had treated me badly I would have left, there would have been no marriage.

When you have looked under the sofa and found your self esteem - Go dating . Set yourself some standards.
but don't do this until you have read the books.

Use this time to read the books you have been recommended. It will be the best use of your time you have ever spent. The advice will last you a lifetime and if you take the advice and NEVER settle for less than someone who respects and cares for you.. then it will be a life full of healthy relationships.

What is the worse thing that can happen ? At the moment your heart is saying to lose the love of this arse.

But it really isn't.

The worst thing that could happen is that you breed with this utter control freak and ruin your life and that of any child.

By leaving and staying away you will EITHER be in your own - able to please yourself, how and when you like. Or you will meet a NORMAL man who can't wait to go on holiday with you and take you out for dinner, go to gigs/festivals etc. This is what you SHOULD be doing. It's not 'special' it's ordinary.

Dontdisturbmenow are you for real ? He made the 'right decision' because she wasn't 'up to the mark' as a step parent ?

I really hope you are joking. This woman has been used as a nanny and child minder 24/7 whilst the father does fuck all. Then when she QUITE RIGHTLY voices a wish to do something with the father outside of childcare - he throws his toys out the Oran and her out the flat !

If you had a relationship- would you really leave your partner to care for your child 24/7 even when you aren't there ?

... and expect them never to have anytime alone with you - doing anything non child focused even when the child is with other parent. ?

If the answer is yes - then good luck with that !

@dontdisturbmenow this is my worry. I understand that’s how it may have come across. But that’s not what I meant. I love him I love his son. But when he rejected us having alone time it hurt. I did feel hurt and upset so spoke in anger. But I’ve bent over backwards for him and his son. He’s told me I’ve been amazing. Just because I have one wobble moment, is it enough to end. Surely he has seen all the time and effort I have out into him and his son? How can I rectify it???

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I feel very sorry for your partner.

Sorry that was meant for @dontdisturbmenow

@whattododoido why are you only responding to the posters that are saying you are in the wrong? The majority are saying you are in the right. Please build up your self esteem. It seems to be in the gutter. This man is no good for you.

@candyfloss99 I know my self esteem is low. I remover him telling me in the beginning how he would endeavour to build my confidence up. Guess he did the opposite! X

@Candyfloss99, no need, been together for 12 years, married 7 and very happy together. We both wanted the same things from the start, he respected me as the mother I am and took on my kids as he took me.

At the same time, I've made sure we had time together as a couple because that's what I wanted to.

I didn't read anywhere that OP has been a babysitter 24/7, unless he is a key worker and she looks after the son during the day, but this should have been discussed before the move. I expect OP was happy to do those things to start with so he assumed she enjoyed it and he is now disappointed that it's coming across that it actually was an effort for her.

@whattododoido I believe you might care for 4he boy, but to be fair, you do come across as very critical of him here. You've said that if his behaviour didn't change, he'd be trouble later. You've said he was demanding and spoilt. If my oh had said this 5 weeks after moving in, well all seemed fine before, I would have been very concerned too and questioned if the move had been the right thing to do.

Maybe his kid is a bomb ready to explode, but his dad cleay doesnt see it that way, so what's the point of taking things further if he is confident the way he is bringing him up yet after 5 weeks, you are already hinting that he needs to change the way he is raising him because he is not doing avoid job?

The issue of not spending time together was raised at the writing time because he will have associated them as being joint and that ultimately you want to spend more time with him because you want to spend less time with his son.

However heartbroken you are, it is better now than in a few years time. Have a read of threads on the stepmum forum and see how many wishes they'd thought twice before commuting to a man whose way of raising their kids they didn't approve of.

No OP he chose you BECAUSE your self esteem is so low !!!

Can you not see that the way he treated you and the 'normal' way we all have relationships are completely different ?

If your self esteem and confidence was good - never in a month of Sunday's would you have put up with such appalling behaviour.

The first kick from his son - you would have spoken to his father and expected some parental discipline.

The first time you were left to look after this child in your own - you would have told him to parent his own child and gone out to do something for yourself.

The first couple of weeks with no couple time - would have been the last couple of weeks !

The other reason it show how low your self esteem is - is by the fact that you agree with the very few batshit posts on this thread and take them to heart. Honestly don'tdisturbmenow was talking the most unbelievable amount of nonsense. Having a relationship with someone when you have a child - does NOT mean you are expected to do NOTHING but focus on the child.

We have 8 children between us. We absolutely do (and have always) put our relationship with each other in an equal footing with that of our children. The kids don't 'come first' . We ALL come first . Attention is paid to whoever required it. Yes, that means sometimes our relationship and our needs come in front of the kids. No one is subjugated within the relationship. Not me, DH or any child.

That is a healthy blended relationship.

Yours is not.

Please get reading as soon as possible. Hopefully you would of read enough to recognise what a weasel he is - before he crawls out from under his rock and magnanimously 'allows' you to apologise for your perfectly acceptable behaviour.... and you go back, head bowed in shame and vowing never to question him again - in exchange for his pathetic idea of love.

Everyone posting here offering advice, you’re wasting your time.
36 hours of being told to forget him, he’s abusive and OP is still whining Surely he has seen all the time and effort I have out into him and his son? How can I rectify it???
She’ll run back like an obedient wee girl the minute he snaps his fingers.

@donotdisturbmenow exactly, you made time as a couple. I’d you hadn’t done this maybe your situation would be different and more like mine! I’ve taken his child on my from the beginning. But no couple time is hard! His mum and her partner make time for each other. So I can see it’s possible in relationships where kids are involved. But his dad doesn’t make time for me! I don’t condone kids hitting at 5! Where does this lead them. He’s already been in trouble at school for hitting another pupil. So it’s not as though I’m among his aggression up!

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel thank you so much I do appreciate your advice. I need to listen to you. You’re right it should be equal . He already told me he only needs his son. So why have me around then? That’s not love is it? He has a relationship with his son which I totally respect, but he should have a relationship with me too. It would be unfair to spend the rest of my life doing everything they do and say and me being unhappy because I’m not brave enough to speak up. So I don’t upset them! X

Why do you want him back? He sounds pretty rubbish, he did you a massive favour by ending it.

He has you around because nannies cost money.

Whattododoido Well done !! You see, the fog is slowly beginning to clear.

The problem is that you see your relationship as normal and all you are entitled to expect . Yes yes and yes again you ARE entitled to be with someone who wants a relationship with you even if they have a child.

If you don't want to focus on anyone else but your child that is absolutely fine - and many people make that choice. What you can't do - is to pretend to have a relationship in order to have your child looked after !

That relegates you to a childminder he sleeps with !

I hope you are able to start moving on from this relationship OP. I worry though as you were wanting to ‘rectify’ it a few posts ago. Please don’t.

To be brutally honest I think the man doesn’t love you and is not a good parent (as he doesn’t have boundaries or any discipline for the child and is raising a brat).

He will be the kind in a few years time when something gets stolen from a shop or a pub window gets smashed or someone gets intimidated or beaten up that will say ‘oh no officer, it couldn’t have been MY 15 year old who did that, he’s not that kind of boy, if he WAS there which I don’t believe he must be in with a bad crowd’.....Aye right.

He has just been using you for the services you could provide. That’s why he told you he loved you, so you’d stay and he could manipulate and tame your behaviour into being what he wanted. He didn’t care about what YOU wanted. All he wanted was what HE wanted - an easy life, a biddable companion that looked after his kid, and was around for company and sex etc.

Your thoughts and wishes will never be important to him. All he cares for is himself.

He probably thought about dumping you before when things didn’t go according to his plans but waited until you did something he deemed unacceptable so he could ditch you and blame you for the split. So it was somehow your fault as he’s ‘such a nice guy with a lovely kid’ type thing.

Don’t listen. Your feelings are valid. You did nothing wrong. He is an arse. He will not change. You deserve better. His child is being raised as a brat and it’s his fault. That will come back to bite him on the bum in a few years time. By which point you will be gone and dating a much nicer guy who loves you and treats you well. There are nice guys out there. It hurts being alone just now. But this is for the best. Look forward to better times. AWAY from him. Don’t go back OP.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel yes, if he can only focus on his child then don’t bring a girlfriend into the equation. He can’t take being told. He’s never wrong and clearly the same goes for his son too. It can be hard work, I’ve put up with things I probably shouldn’t have. Hearing it from others definitely helps. Thank you x

@Elieza it is hard as it’s so raw, and I feel so lonely with isolation. Too much time to think and miss the good times, and thinking if I’d said nothing I’d be in his company now and not alone.
I do worry I said the wrong this, especially as his reaction is so bad. But we should be able to talk. And we should have couple time when he isn’t with his son. It’s not a lot to ask. X

You've dodged a bullet. He's a manipulative, selfish arse. Block him before he tries to worm his way back in (which he will, when he gets tired of looking after his bratty son on his own).

Whattododoido

This is the bit of your thinking that's a bit skewed and points to the number he has done in you.

I do worry I said the wrong thing.

This is conditioning and really hard to break from.

You have been made to worry about his feelings in order to keep his 'love' . Not being careful about how you speak and what you speak about is called 'treading on eggshells' It makes you super compliant and Always to put his feelings first.

You should always consider a partners feelings of course you must but it MUST mean that he takes the exact same care of you. Does he do that ? Does he care if something he says upsets you ? Or is it all a one way street ?

This is what a healthy relationship looks like;

Your DPs child is over AND he has invited his girlfriend over.

You play with the child WITH your dp. .. but DP does the major part of this. You leave your DP to continue amusing HIS child and YOU go and do something else. This could mean something for you - or something for the household like cooking a meal for them all. (You do this occasionally- NOT EVERY MEAL. ..

Most of the time HE should be cooking and getting the child to help. Kids love cooking..

At the end of the day, he puts the child in the bath/shower - and reads a bedtime story. You chill out and maybe have a helpful tidy up.

He comes down having settled the child and you cook some supper together/order a takeaway and then enjoy an ADULT evening together.

Child should be in bed by 7:30 pm giving you both some time together.

If the child gets up in the evening, HE deals with it. Barring illness the child goes BACK to bed after father has settled him again. This is NON NEGOTIABLE. Children need to sleep and have regular routine AND to understand that the evening is adult time. If child has no routine this is a failure of the PARENT, not you !! It takes a while to implement a routine but it is necessary if you also want a healthy relationship.

You both then spend the evening together. When amongst other things you plan exciting and interesting things to do together when child is with the other parent.

If you are staying the night and the child wakes up... your DP deals with it. NOT YOU .

In the morning, HE gets up when the child wakes up. NOT YOU.

DP spends some alone time with child having breakfast . Playing, going for a walk/park while you get to have your own time. You then spend the daytime playing /amusing the child but with plenty of time where you back off and he has child in his own.

Was your relationship ANYTHING like this ?

Y

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel, you are very one directional and judgemental with it. Because your way works for you and your partner doesn't have to work for everyone. My way also works well with my OH although totally different from yours.

That's the whole point of compatibility and in the case of OP, they are just not compatible.

exactly, you made time as a couple
I made time as a couple because he also took on my kids and accepted them as they were, which you are not doing with his son. If my OH had written what you wrote about my kids, ie. he thought they were spoilt and needed to change their behaviour, that they were demanding and boring, I too would have questioned the relationship and probably ended it.

Also, what I don't understand is why it is only coming up now that he doesn't give you enough time when you've been together 18 months?

op you need to stop questioning his motives.

He's blocked you to punish you and will at some stage lift the block and you will be able to crawl back to him and live your life together completely on his terms. You will be punished and you will know what is expected of you.

A normal man doesn't end a relationship like this, no matter how angry he is. He talks and is kind and then walks away. He is doing this to punish you. However unreasonable your behaviour (and actually, I don't think it was - he was treating you dreadfully), he isn't entitled to block you like this. It is designed to keep you hanging on.

I agree that reading Women who love too much would benefit you. If you take him back, be prepared for more of the same. or worse in fact. He will have groomed you into what he wants.