Am I unreasonable?

[whattododoido]

I’m new to this..

So my boyfriend of a year and a half has a 5 year old son. I moved in with him for lockdown.
Both being off work he’s seen a lot more of his son. Which I understand. Me and his son have always got on but he is an extremely active child. He’ll wake at 6 and go to bed at 9 and every second he demands your attention. He’s also repetitive so I find it quite tiring and monotonous. As soon as he starts playing football he wants to know what we’re playing next. If I don’t cheer him he shouts at me. If I score a goal he calls me rubbish and pulls my clothes and has punched me. He’s bossy. I have to watch him ride his bike. If my partner kisses me he says well you haven’t kissed me. Or hugs etc. I try not to be touchy feeling around him and I always put the child first. I don’t get much peace. He even follows me in the toilet.
When daddy isn’t around he will kick things. I ask him not to but he doesn’t listen. He has even punched his own face. I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.
The school recently called my partner and his ex because his son punched a boy. But my partner still says it wasn’t his fault, the other boy was a bully.
Anyway, it came up in conversation I said maybe they shouldn’t play fight as that’s why he’s aggressive. My partner didn’t like the comment. Then we he spoke about when he was seeing his son next, and planning where he wants to take him on holiday etc I just said, I think couple time is important too. We’ve never had a couple holiday. Only a weekend away. He never asks what I want to do. The only time we eat out etc or go somewhere is the days he has his son. Call me old fashioned but a little romance wouldn’t go amiss and also it would be nice to know he appreciates the time and effort I dedicate to his child. He flipped his lid saying, it’s my son and stormed off. I didn’t mean that. I meant the time he doesn’t see him, can we not have some quality time. It escalated to an argument. I said you never do anything for me. You’re obsessed with your son and I’m bored of playing football, rugby, fighting, I’m not a bloke.
He flipped again. He ended it. Threw all of my stuff out on the landing and I had to leave. We haven’t spoken since. He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain. Unless I drive there which I’m not strong enough to do yet as I’m upset. It’s the first time I’ve get shouted back at him.
I’ve recently lost my dad to an illness and my mum is self isolating so I’ve had a lot on my mind.
Maybe I’ve just needed space and quiet time to deal with it and being around too much noise etc has gotten on top of me? And that’s how I reacted that way.
Has anyone else done anything similar? Am I bad for saying these things? Does it warrant ending the relationship? Or something we could discuss?
I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks.

@emerald46 thank you. I believe we should be allowed opinions especially if I’m feeling unhappy, being adults we should discuss things. I’d listen to him if he had an issue. But he is prone to a diva fit so it makes it difficult to approach a subject with him. Shame as when things are good they are amazing and that’s why I hang on I guess x

He is very avoidant rather than wanting to sort things out like I do.

Seriously, leave now. Behaviour like this is a ticking time bomb. I learned that the hard way with my ex. Even if things seem manageable now, sooner or later there will be something challenging that has to be sorted out - finances, illness, kids, etc. Something that requires maturity, bravery and compromise.

In my experience, someone like your partner will still choose to be avoidant and you'll be faced with a choice: either agree not to sort things out and let everything go to pot or else stand your ground, in which case they'll choose to keep avoiding things by swapping you for someone more acquiescent. Neither option is much fun.

My DH already had DC when we met and I can tell you straight away that this isn't right and it won't get better if you go back. My experience has been completely opposite to yours, yes DH has always put DC first (as have I) but I've always had equal say in every decision which affected me as well as them. He's never allowed them to be disrespectful to me and has never expected me to provide childcare when he wasn't there. He's also always made time for us as a couple and cared about my happiness alongside the DC's, all of which seems sorely lacking in your relationship OP.

PP's have nailed it, he's after a domestic servant not a partner and you have too much about you to put up with that. You deserve better, you know you do so take the out he's given you and don't look back.

Prepare yourself for him trying to reel you back in when he's had enough of looking after his kid himself though, I'll give him a week but I bet it won't even take that long. Come back here if you feel yourself weakening and we'll talk you down.

Am I understanding right that you have a place of your own to go back to? Nice and simple if so, you should be breathing a huge sigh of relief to be home and away from him

@mumsonthenet thanks. I know if only he could discuss the situation I’m sure it could be resolved. I have loved his son and put so much effort in. He shouldn’t want his son behaving that way towards me and he should want to stop that behaviour in his son now before he gets older and it gets worse.

He sounds abusive
It's a really bad sign if you can't have a conversation with him. His son is badly behaved as well, probably because his dad allows him to be. Seriously op, he has done you a massive favour. Stay home, block him, job done.

@TossaCointoYerWitcher
Good advice, thanks.

He sounds absolutely horrible. He's done you the biggest favour in ending this.

The thing is that pretty soon he'll start to regret it and will make a move to get you back. You were very useful to him, weren't you? He didn't have to spend a penny on you or even talk to you - you took care of his child and even put up with being thumped by the child - now it'll all be down to him - very inconvenient for him.

So, expect him to make a move now. He'll blame you, of course. He will want an apology. He'll grudgingly accept it and then you'd be back doing the babysitting again.

For god's sake don't let that happen! There are FAR nicer men out there.

@Hidingtonothing thanks. Yes I have my own place, luckily. He had no regard for my feelings or mourning of my dad when he threw me out!
It sounds like you have an understanding partner. If only Mine would’ve given me the same respect then it could’ve been so different.

Please stop making excuses for the behaviour and appalling attitude of this selfish, abusive man.
You're just not taking in what people are telling you on here unfortunately.

Take off your rose-tinted glasses and have a good look at yourself and what he has turned you in to.

Please don't go back to this dreadful man, it will be your undoing.

@HollowTalk I’m not expecting him to come back. He’s blocked me. And is an extremely stubborn person. He wouldn’t make the move especially where he feels wronged. Thanks for the advice.

If you can get through the first painful couple of weeks and resist going back to try and explain yourself, this will be the best thing that will happen to you. You did exactly the right thing standing up for yourself, try not to undo all the good work.

@Carrotgirl87 thank you. The timing isn’t great, makes it harder isolating alone..too much time to think and when I feel weak I remember the good times!

@FawnDrench I’m always blaming myself. I see how he has misinterpreted it but I should be able to speak my mind too. I haven’t for so long. Thanks.

If only Mine would’ve given me the same respect then it could’ve been so different.

Best lesson I ever learned was that it's utterly futile to hang around waiting for someone to change behaviour they already know hurts you. If they cared they wouldn't treat you that way to begin with.

Nothing you said is unreasonable, you're not asking for the moon and stars here. You are young and without baggage and absolutely have options when the timing is right, the world is your oyster don't settle for a fucking snail.

Oh and, sorry to hear about your dad OP, I'm sure he would want better for you too. ❤️

He is also training his son to be a future abuser IMO, whether he realises it or not.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this but stay strong and look towards a future with someone who appreciates you.

@Carrotgirl87 thank you lovely 😘 my dad definitely wouldn’t want me going through this!

@forgetthehousework you’re right. When he’s punched me I told him girls don’t fight. But he doesn’t listen! And isn’t disciplined!

Why didnt you say "dont punch me"?

Do read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. It will save you a lot of agonising.

You've had a lucky escape OP. Move on, find someone who is more mature and interested in you as a grown up too.

He sounds awful. Truly awful. But even without any of the details, this:

I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.

is no grounds for a relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to communicate with you.

When he’s punched me I told him girls don’t fight.

That's not really the point though. Girls do fight and some kick ass at it.

The point is, physical abuse is absolutely unacceptable, for boys or girls. If my son behaved like this I'd make sure he regretted it !!

I agree with pp's. Don't try to explain or justify, you've done nothing wrong. He's the one who's done wrong and worse, his behaviour shows that he can't be reasoned with. Don't even try.

Your decision of course but I hope you stay away from him and find someone who can respect you and make you happy ! Please don't go back if (when ?) he asks you to. You say he won't and you know him, we don't, but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

Sounds like a very energetic child. I could t deal with someone else’s kid that full on even when I was young thirty 25 years ago. It’s a lot to take on you need to discuss and be truthful

Your well rid of them both, an uncontrollable child and selfish parent, you don’t need this, you’ll be a skivvy and nothing but. Hugs