Am I unreasonable?

[whattododoido]

I’m new to this..

So my boyfriend of a year and a half has a 5 year old son. I moved in with him for lockdown.
Both being off work he’s seen a lot more of his son. Which I understand. Me and his son have always got on but he is an extremely active child. He’ll wake at 6 and go to bed at 9 and every second he demands your attention. He’s also repetitive so I find it quite tiring and monotonous. As soon as he starts playing football he wants to know what we’re playing next. If I don’t cheer him he shouts at me. If I score a goal he calls me rubbish and pulls my clothes and has punched me. He’s bossy. I have to watch him ride his bike. If my partner kisses me he says well you haven’t kissed me. Or hugs etc. I try not to be touchy feeling around him and I always put the child first. I don’t get much peace. He even follows me in the toilet.
When daddy isn’t around he will kick things. I ask him not to but he doesn’t listen. He has even punched his own face. I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.
The school recently called my partner and his ex because his son punched a boy. But my partner still says it wasn’t his fault, the other boy was a bully.
Anyway, it came up in conversation I said maybe they shouldn’t play fight as that’s why he’s aggressive. My partner didn’t like the comment. Then we he spoke about when he was seeing his son next, and planning where he wants to take him on holiday etc I just said, I think couple time is important too. We’ve never had a couple holiday. Only a weekend away. He never asks what I want to do. The only time we eat out etc or go somewhere is the days he has his son. Call me old fashioned but a little romance wouldn’t go amiss and also it would be nice to know he appreciates the time and effort I dedicate to his child. He flipped his lid saying, it’s my son and stormed off. I didn’t mean that. I meant the time he doesn’t see him, can we not have some quality time. It escalated to an argument. I said you never do anything for me. You’re obsessed with your son and I’m bored of playing football, rugby, fighting, I’m not a bloke.
He flipped again. He ended it. Threw all of my stuff out on the landing and I had to leave. We haven’t spoken since. He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain. Unless I drive there which I’m not strong enough to do yet as I’m upset. It’s the first time I’ve get shouted back at him.
I’ve recently lost my dad to an illness and my mum is self isolating so I’ve had a lot on my mind.
Maybe I’ve just needed space and quiet time to deal with it and being around too much noise etc has gotten on top of me? And that’s how I reacted that way.
Has anyone else done anything similar? Am I bad for saying these things? Does it warrant ending the relationship? Or something we could discuss?
I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks.

In all your posts you are blaming yourself. You have done nothing wrong . Nothing .

He will be trying to pull you back in on a bit of elastic soon.

Don’t fall for it .

He has no respect for your feelings at all and that will not change .

I would have dumped you too for what you said. It sounds like your not cut out to being a step parent. What you have described just seems like normal parent life (no peace, no time to yourself) your BF also doesn’t sound very nice. The upside is you sound very young so I’m sure you have time to meet someone without kids and hopefully do some major growing up before you decide to have your own children.

@washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal I agree, normal parent life to full time parents. The time when he doesn’t see him you think it’s a crime for him to spend time with me?? He isn’t my child to be ordered around by or punched, scrammed, kicked!...I wouldn’t allow my child to behave that way. Nothing to do with growing up. It’s manners!

@SusieOwl4 thanks. Even though I said I was bored of playing boys games etc? And following them around? That came out in temper and from feeling rejected by him. But I still feel wrong for saying that. And saying hes obsessed, I guess he will be with his child. X

The bloke doesn’t sound nice but I would of dumped you too for what you said.

Someone can go get fucked if they think saying I’m obsessed with my kids is right.

Also the child is only a young, of course he’s going to want you to join in! He’s a kid

@sunshine682 joining in, fair enough. Storming off because I score a goal (when playing and joining in), after punching me, pulling my clothes and calling me rubbish? Not spoilt? I don’t know other kids with that behaviour!

OP, I’m not sure what the issue is here. He’s not a nice person, he had a tantrum and threw you out. He’s made it clear he’s not mature enough to handle adult relationships. you keep saying he’s blocked you so you can’t go back. what if he unblocks you and asks you back. Would you want to go back?

OP your did the right thing... it's not your place to parent someone else's kids because they cannot be arsed... Let the child parents manage this childs behaviour and you find someone who will treasure you for you .. not for your child minding skills...

Lucky escape...

@likemethewayiam because of his reaction, I fear I was in the wrong. And I couldn’t forgive myself ruining it. I want to see what people’s views are. I am sensitive and don’t want him thinking I’m coming between him and his son. I just wanted some alone time together.

@BumbleBeee69 thanks. I do feel used, to be around to help with his son. If he really loved me, he would at least talk. Not block me without any discussion and jump the gun so to speak. We were both angry and said things in the heat is the moment. Couples do. I just thought it was really harsh to throw me out and block me.

I think you need to distract yourself and your head with something else right now. Whether you phrased your point well or not, this isn’t a good relationship to pursue. In the long term where do you see it going? Always having to keep your opinions to yourself? Would you want a child, how would that work?

I think you need to accept its over and yes it should have been you dumping him, but let this go and focus on doing something for you x

Not read all the replies but I'd stay away from him.
You go back you are showing you're in the wrong when you aren't.

SD was 5 when I met dp. When I eventually met her, we went on days out for all of us and days/ trips/ meals etc just me and him.
While he always said from day 1 sd was a massive part of his life, if I ever offered to take her somewhere/ look after her, he was always very thankful and appreciative. This only stopped years later when I kept saying there's no need to thank as I took her on as well as him.

Time together has always been important and even now he'd never presume I'd be doing something with her etc even though I see it's my role. He still appreciates.

Sounds like you're taken for granted and the boy treats you as he sees his father treat you.

The boy bless him sounds like he's struggling somewhere so not his fault he's doing all this but dad should be stepping in to stop some of boy's behaviour towards you - you should be telling dad EVERYTHING. The fact you don't speaks volumes.

There's millions of men out there that would be so appreciative of you and what you can give to their child- AND value you without the child... I'd honestly stay away.
Move on.

Anger is a choice. He chose to throw a tantrum and put you out of the room. He'll unblock you eventually when he thinks it's a good time for you to yield to him. He'll let you apologise for your behaviour. He may or may not depending on how l whether you seem to need a little love bombing.

He's grooming you so you don't go up against him again. I bet it's him told you you are too sensitive. Already you're using his words to describe yourself and your relationship. Block him from your head!!!!

It was really harsh throwing you out and blocking you, it was also pretty harsh to dismiss your request for couple time and respond with anger/defensiveness instead of caring about how you felt. Add that to him allowing his DS to punch, kick and disrespect you and the fact that he makes no time for you and that's a pretty long list of ways he's treated you badly.

So why are you feeling so bad about a few words you said in anger and in response to not being listened to or given a fuck about? Why are you starting to see why he's angry with you but don't seem to be able to see why you should be so angry at the way he's treated you you never want to see him again?

I'm just like you OP, extremely hard on myself and far more able to see fault in myself than others. But I'm also a lot older than you and at the point in my life now where I can see how pointless and counter-productive that actually is. Having respect for yourself, having boundaries around the way you allow yourself to be treated and not making excuses or taking the blame for other people's faults or fuck ups is the best way to make sure you don't end up pouring your life into relationships where you get nothing back.

It came as a shock to me to realise that treating someone with endless love and kindness doesn't necessarily bring the same in return and that actually, knowing your own worth and not being afraid to stand up for yourself or walk away if someone treats you badly is much more likely to make people appreciate you.

Stop focusing on what you did wrong and look objectively at the way he treats you OP, we're all telling you you deserve better because really, really do

What @Justtryingtobehelpful and @Hidingtonothing said.

@whattododoido.... You really should read Women Who Love Too Much by Dr Robin Norwood. It will help you understand your situation and how and why you accept his poor treatment of you. It will help you make choices for yourself that enhance your confidence and self esteem, so you will no longer seek validation from an emotionally stunted man who doesn't care about your pain and anxiety. You deserve to love yourself and stop wasting your live on someone who gives you nothing in return.

He sounds awful and you shouldn’t have to put up with behaviour like this.
He will DEFINITELY be back in touch very soon once he starts to struggle with looking after his son single-handedly. He probably doesn’t realise just how much effort and time you were putting in. DON’T GO BACK TO HIM. You’re just a free nanny, he hasn’t done anything to suggest he sees you as anything more.

I am a single mum to a 9 year old and dating. I don’t expect the new guy to do things with DD. We’ve been together nearly a year and they’ve met once or twice and he’s lovely with her but the vast majority of the time I spend with him my DD is with her dad. We plan it that way. We are talking now about holidays (probably next year now 🥺). I am incredibly hesitant about having DD and new guy together on a holiday because DD would have to come first and new guy isn’t going to want to do swimming and making sandcastles! We are discussing it so he is clearly aware of the implications of spending more time with my daughter and we can make a good choice.

Your boyfriend isn’t prioritising you at all and he should. Time with his kid is important but couple time is equally so. You may like his son but he isn’t YOUR son and even if he was couple time without kids is still important.

You had a lucky escape I think!

Firstly you are not unreasonable to want his time and attention. It sounds like you do understand his son comes first and that's great, but you should also be a priority in his life. The fact you don't feel able to communicate with him is not good. You should be able to talk to him about this without it getting into an argument.

Secondly, the way he reacted when you did eventually say something speaks volumes, he's kicked you out literally and blocked you, that's awful behaviour. Honestly, you would be better off ending this now.

Him throwing you out was a godsend.

You were a free nanny. You never had any alone time. You would have been a nanny on holiday too.

He’s probably already seeking his next nanny/girlfriend and that won’t last either.

@MrsP2015 that’s the way it should be. I’ve always put the child first and done Everything he asks. It does get tiring as he is so active and nerve once is he told to give me space etc. That’s why it hurts when everything I’ve done isn’t appreciated and we can’t do anything as a couple. Last year we played tennis together, this was brought up in front of his son recently and his son said, what you played it without me? Maybe he feels guilty when we do things without his son! I don’t know but it’s not fair my whole life is dictated to by a 4 year old. Thanks x

@MashedSpud the 3 of us had a break away last year. To a child place of course and again that was constant. I wanted to sit in the sun one day on n own. That was frowned upon and I wasn’t making any effort apparently! Despite doing everything else for them apart from that day! X

@lockedinfornow yes I do know his son was always first, I accepted that. And no it is hard not being able to talk to him about anything. I see friends relationship progressing and I can’t even talk to him about our future :( it’s been hard x

@Dashel he has mentioned briefing He would like another child, with me. Do you think he wouldn’t be as accepting of the child? That was my worry x

@Justtryingtobehelpful I honestly can’t see him unblocking me. He’s never done this before. And the last thing he said was, I never want to track to you again, you’ll never come between me and my son. That hurts as that thought wouldn’t even cross my mind. He’s taken it all the ring way.
I did tell him that evening that he is controlling me and I’m allowed an option. So I do think you’re right in that he trying to control what I do and do say etc to not wind him up x

@FlowerArranger I will send for that book today. Thank you x