Am I unreasonable?

[whattododoido]

I’m new to this..

So my boyfriend of a year and a half has a 5 year old son. I moved in with him for lockdown.
Both being off work he’s seen a lot more of his son. Which I understand. Me and his son have always got on but he is an extremely active child. He’ll wake at 6 and go to bed at 9 and every second he demands your attention. He’s also repetitive so I find it quite tiring and monotonous. As soon as he starts playing football he wants to know what we’re playing next. If I don’t cheer him he shouts at me. If I score a goal he calls me rubbish and pulls my clothes and has punched me. He’s bossy. I have to watch him ride his bike. If my partner kisses me he says well you haven’t kissed me. Or hugs etc. I try not to be touchy feeling around him and I always put the child first. I don’t get much peace. He even follows me in the toilet.
When daddy isn’t around he will kick things. I ask him not to but he doesn’t listen. He has even punched his own face. I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.
The school recently called my partner and his ex because his son punched a boy. But my partner still says it wasn’t his fault, the other boy was a bully.
Anyway, it came up in conversation I said maybe they shouldn’t play fight as that’s why he’s aggressive. My partner didn’t like the comment. Then we he spoke about when he was seeing his son next, and planning where he wants to take him on holiday etc I just said, I think couple time is important too. We’ve never had a couple holiday. Only a weekend away. He never asks what I want to do. The only time we eat out etc or go somewhere is the days he has his son. Call me old fashioned but a little romance wouldn’t go amiss and also it would be nice to know he appreciates the time and effort I dedicate to his child. He flipped his lid saying, it’s my son and stormed off. I didn’t mean that. I meant the time he doesn’t see him, can we not have some quality time. It escalated to an argument. I said you never do anything for me. You’re obsessed with your son and I’m bored of playing football, rugby, fighting, I’m not a bloke.
He flipped again. He ended it. Threw all of my stuff out on the landing and I had to leave. We haven’t spoken since. He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain. Unless I drive there which I’m not strong enough to do yet as I’m upset. It’s the first time I’ve get shouted back at him.
I’ve recently lost my dad to an illness and my mum is self isolating so I’ve had a lot on my mind.
Maybe I’ve just needed space and quiet time to deal with it and being around too much noise etc has gotten on top of me? And that’s how I reacted that way.
Has anyone else done anything similar? Am I bad for saying these things? Does it warrant ending the relationship? Or something we could discuss?
I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks.

[slinkysaluki]

You are better off out of it. He is making a rod for his own back, the kids well on his way to becoming a spoilt brat by the sound of it

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

Great post FlowerArranger.. what you have written .. exactly.

[FlowerArranger]

I feel so lonely with isolation. Too much time to think and miss the good times, and thinking if I’d said nothing I’d be in his company now and not alone?

@whattododoido.... You have to realise that, in order to be able to have a proper relationship with a man who is worthy of your time, you first have to forge a real relationship with yourself. Not being alone must not be your sole goal in life! You need to learn to be on your own without feeling lonely, and to have good times by yourself.

How can you achieve this? By working on yourself, by developing self-esteem and healthy selfishness, by learning to value yourself and not accept shit from anyone. Those books will help [Women Who Love Too Much and The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem especially, but no doubt there are others]. However, you need to actually take in what is being said and how you can relate it to your own life and learn from it.

I would also suggest that you start keeping a diary. Write down what is happening in your life and reflect on it, try to make sense and learn. For a start, what are you taking away from this thread and the many posts?

Can you also, instead of spending so much time focused on a man, develop friendships with other women, strong women who have goals and boundaries and don't accept poor treatment from anyone. And focus on your career and activities that give you joy. A man - not even a good man who loves you and treats you well - should ever be the sole focus of your life.

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

[whattododoido]

Thank you @disorganisedsecretsquirrel I have pm’d you x

[whattododoido]

@RandomMess thank you. Of course I accept the child has to come first but agree there should be balance. It isn’t normal to not want adult time. Even if the boy was mine I’d still want that for me and my partner. That’s what a relationship is. Thank you x

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

So pleased you have sent for the books.. but PLEASE READ THEM .

It is SO difficult when in the throws of a breakup. You feel awful. Your self esteem is already lost down the bottom of the cesspit (forgive me - I live rurally!) .. the reason I connect with you is that I had a similar relationship to you at 24.. took SO many years of my life until I met a REAL man..

I look back and wonder why I put up with such shit. Maybe something to do with losing my father young... can I ask you a really personal question ? How old are you ? If you don't feel able to say on a public forum but am happy to say privately then please feel free to PM me.

You are doing AMAZINGLY well after 18 months to recognise the issues... it took me 7 years and I look back at my anxious riddled 20's and can't believe I put up with it. 💓

[RandomMess]

His son is a mini Dad, you know how you find a lot of DSS behaviour unacceptable it is only the child version of your Ex's behaviour.

Pleas stay well away from him, block him and don't go back!!! You need to thank your lucky stars he has ended it and run for the hills.

A good man would make the most of couple time and whilst his Child will be his priority it's entirely normal on holiday that it isn't 100% only about the child, sure 90% but there is compromise there!

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

Please please post on here if he contacts you.

If he doesn't, DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF !!

To be fair - he MAY NOT even be conscious of his behaviour and simply be channeling stuff from his past where 'women' do all the childcare and domestic duties.. depends on his upbringing and background.

Do not however , 'forgive' this. He needs to understand that his mind set is wrong.. and that definitely won't be there with you picking up the pieces.. Besides - he has another woman now (his mother) who will step in to the breech and save him all of the hassle of being a real parent .

Go on OP - out in to the world and experience other relationships, and NEVER be scared to walk away if they are less than they should be.

Being alone is ALWAYS better than being in a bad relationship.

Everyone deserves respect and TRUE love. Someone who has their back, cares about their feelings, wants to make them happy. That is a genuine relationship. Never settle for less.

[whattododoido]

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I have sent for the books. Thank you so much for the advice. You’re a gem x

[whattododoido]

@Candyfloss99 thank you x

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

YES whattododoido you have GOT IT !!

Now hold on to that and don't let it go..

There is a real life healthy relationship out there for you.. but please please read the books in the quiet time you now have. It's an ideal time to work on what YOU want from a happy healthy relationship.

[Candyfloss99]

Yes exactly what @disorganisedsecretsquirrel says.

[whattododoido]

Thank you @disorganisedsecretsquirrel we were compatible. We had a lot in common.
I wouldn’t have wasted a year and a half if we weren’t. @donotdisturbmenow is not getting it. I’m allowed an opinion. I’m not the only one to say these things about his son. His son hasn’t always been this way that’s why I’m saying I find it difficult To deal with right now. Maybe it’s a phase but we should be able to discuss it. I am seeing that he is controlling and is happy when I do and say what he agrees with! He throws a hissy fit whenever I don’t.

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

Dontdisturbmenow the bit you are missing is that it's NOTHING TO DO WITH INCOMPATIBILITY!!!

It is everything to do with OPs 'd' p being a controlling arsehole .

[whattododoido]

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel thank you for this advice, this is amazing. And gives me a lot to think about. I never had my own time when I was with them. I was expected to do everything they did.’if I didn’t, the son would demand that I did. I’d call my mum (who recently lost my dad and is self isolating), the son would Continue to tell me to get off the phone until I did. Dad wouldn’t tell him off!
What you’ve said sounds healthy and the way it should be. Thanks again x

[whattododoido]

Thank you @annanimmity

[AnnaNimmity]

op you need to stop questioning his motives.

He's blocked you to punish you and will at some stage lift the block and you will be able to crawl back to him and live your life together completely on his terms. You will be punished and you will know what is expected of you.

A normal man doesn't end a relationship like this, no matter how angry he is. He talks and is kind and then walks away. He is doing this to punish you. However unreasonable your behaviour (and actually, I don't think it was - he was treating you dreadfully), he isn't entitled to block you like this. It is designed to keep you hanging on.

I agree that reading Women who love too much would benefit you. If you take him back, be prepared for more of the same. or worse in fact. He will have groomed you into what he wants.

[dontdisturbmenow]

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel, you are very one directional and judgemental with it. Because your way works for you and your partner doesn't have to work for everyone. My way also works well with my OH although totally different from yours.

That's the whole point of compatibility and in the case of OP, they are just not compatible.

exactly, you made time as a couple
I made time as a couple because he also took on my kids and accepted them as they were, which you are not doing with his son. If my OH had written what you wrote about my kids, ie. he thought they were spoilt and needed to change their behaviour, that they were demanding and boring, I too would have questioned the relationship and probably ended it.

Also, what I don't understand is why it is only coming up now that he doesn't give you enough time when you've been together 18 months?

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

Whattododoido

This is the bit of your thinking that's a bit skewed and points to the number he has done in you.

I do worry I said the wrong thing.

This is conditioning and really hard to break from.

You have been made to worry about his feelings in order to keep his 'love' . Not being careful about how you speak and what you speak about is called 'treading on eggshells' It makes you super compliant and Always to put his feelings first.

You should always consider a partners feelings of course you must but it MUST mean that he takes the exact same care of you. Does he do that ? Does he care if something he says upsets you ? Or is it all a one way street ?

This is what a healthy relationship looks like;

Your DPs child is over AND he has invited his girlfriend over.

You play with the child WITH your dp. .. but DP does the major part of this. You leave your DP to continue amusing HIS child and YOU go and do something else. This could mean something for you - or something for the household like cooking a meal for them all. (You do this occasionally- NOT EVERY MEAL. ..

Most of the time HE should be cooking and getting the child to help. Kids love cooking..

At the end of the day, he puts the child in the bath/shower - and reads a bedtime story. You chill out and maybe have a helpful tidy up.

He comes down having settled the child and you cook some supper together/order a takeaway and then enjoy an ADULT evening together.

Child should be in bed by 7:30 pm giving you both some time together.

If the child gets up in the evening, HE deals with it. Barring illness the child goes BACK to bed after father has settled him again. This is NON NEGOTIABLE. Children need to sleep and have regular routine AND to understand that the evening is adult time. If child has no routine this is a failure of the PARENT, not you !! It takes a while to implement a routine but it is necessary if you also want a healthy relationship.

You both then spend the evening together. When amongst other things you plan exciting and interesting things to do together when child is with the other parent.

If you are staying the night and the child wakes up... your DP deals with it. NOT YOU .

In the morning, HE gets up when the child wakes up. NOT YOU.

DP spends some alone time with child having breakfast . Playing, going for a walk/park while you get to have your own time. You then spend the daytime playing /amusing the child but with plenty of time where you back off and he has child in his own.

Was your relationship ANYTHING like this ?

Y

[StatementKnickers]

You've dodged a bullet. He's a manipulative, selfish arse. Block him before he tries to worm his way back in (which he will, when he gets tired of looking after his bratty son on his own).

[whattododoido]

@Elieza it is hard as it’s so raw, and I feel so lonely with isolation. Too much time to think and miss the good times, and thinking if I’d said nothing I’d be in his company now and not alone.
I do worry I said the wrong this, especially as his reaction is so bad. But we should be able to talk. And we should have couple time when he isn’t with his son. It’s not a lot to ask. X

[whattododoido]

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel yes, if he can only focus on his child then don’t bring a girlfriend into the equation. He can’t take being told. He’s never wrong and clearly the same goes for his son too. It can be hard work, I’ve put up with things I probably shouldn’t have. Hearing it from others definitely helps. Thank you x

[Elieza]

I hope you are able to start moving on from this relationship OP. I worry though as you were wanting to ‘rectify’ it a few posts ago. Please don’t.

To be brutally honest I think the man doesn’t love you and is not a good parent (as he doesn’t have boundaries or any discipline for the child and is raising a brat).

He will be the kind in a few years time when something gets stolen from a shop or a pub window gets smashed or someone gets intimidated or beaten up that will say ‘oh no officer, it couldn’t have been MY 15 year old who did that, he’s not that kind of boy, if he WAS there which I don’t believe he must be in with a bad crowd’.....Aye right.

He has just been using you for the services you could provide. That’s why he told you he loved you, so you’d stay and he could manipulate and tame your behaviour into being what he wanted. He didn’t care about what YOU wanted. All he wanted was what HE wanted - an easy life, a biddable companion that looked after his kid, and was around for company and sex etc.

Your thoughts and wishes will never be important to him. All he cares for is himself.

He probably thought about dumping you before when things didn’t go according to his plans but waited until you did something he deemed unacceptable so he could ditch you and blame you for the split. So it was somehow your fault as he’s ‘such a nice guy with a lovely kid’ type thing.

Don’t listen. Your feelings are valid. You did nothing wrong. He is an arse. He will not change. You deserve better. His child is being raised as a brat and it’s his fault. That will come back to bite him on the bum in a few years time. By which point you will be gone and dating a much nicer guy who loves you and treats you well. There are nice guys out there. It hurts being alone just now. But this is for the best. Look forward to better times. AWAY from him. Don’t go back OP.

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

Whattododoido Well done !! You see, the fog is slowly beginning to clear.

The problem is that you see your relationship as normal and all you are entitled to expect . Yes yes and yes again you ARE entitled to be with someone who wants a relationship with you even if they have a child.

If you don't want to focus on anyone else but your child that is absolutely fine - and many people make that choice. What you can't do - is to pretend to have a relationship in order to have your child looked after !

That relegates you to a childminder he sleeps with !

[MashedSpud]

He has you around because nannies cost money.