Am I unreasonable?

[whattododoido]

I’m new to this..

So my boyfriend of a year and a half has a 5 year old son. I moved in with him for lockdown.
Both being off work he’s seen a lot more of his son. Which I understand. Me and his son have always got on but he is an extremely active child. He’ll wake at 6 and go to bed at 9 and every second he demands your attention. He’s also repetitive so I find it quite tiring and monotonous. As soon as he starts playing football he wants to know what we’re playing next. If I don’t cheer him he shouts at me. If I score a goal he calls me rubbish and pulls my clothes and has punched me. He’s bossy. I have to watch him ride his bike. If my partner kisses me he says well you haven’t kissed me. Or hugs etc. I try not to be touchy feeling around him and I always put the child first. I don’t get much peace. He even follows me in the toilet.
When daddy isn’t around he will kick things. I ask him not to but he doesn’t listen. He has even punched his own face. I daren’t say anything to my partner as he isn’t the easiest to communicate.
The school recently called my partner and his ex because his son punched a boy. But my partner still says it wasn’t his fault, the other boy was a bully.
Anyway, it came up in conversation I said maybe they shouldn’t play fight as that’s why he’s aggressive. My partner didn’t like the comment. Then we he spoke about when he was seeing his son next, and planning where he wants to take him on holiday etc I just said, I think couple time is important too. We’ve never had a couple holiday. Only a weekend away. He never asks what I want to do. The only time we eat out etc or go somewhere is the days he has his son. Call me old fashioned but a little romance wouldn’t go amiss and also it would be nice to know he appreciates the time and effort I dedicate to his child. He flipped his lid saying, it’s my son and stormed off. I didn’t mean that. I meant the time he doesn’t see him, can we not have some quality time. It escalated to an argument. I said you never do anything for me. You’re obsessed with your son and I’m bored of playing football, rugby, fighting, I’m not a bloke.
He flipped again. He ended it. Threw all of my stuff out on the landing and I had to leave. We haven’t spoken since. He blocked me so I can’t contact him to explain. Unless I drive there which I’m not strong enough to do yet as I’m upset. It’s the first time I’ve get shouted back at him.
I’ve recently lost my dad to an illness and my mum is self isolating so I’ve had a lot on my mind.
Maybe I’ve just needed space and quiet time to deal with it and being around too much noise etc has gotten on top of me? And that’s how I reacted that way.
Has anyone else done anything similar? Am I bad for saying these things? Does it warrant ending the relationship? Or something we could discuss?
I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks.

[whattododoido]

@Lampan do you think he will? I can’t see him unblocking me, he’s far too stubborn. And he’s never done this before. He thinks I be fine against him and his son so I can’t see him cooling down. His mum also helps with his son when he has him. His sons bed is at her house and he is kind of in between places at the moment. So he wont need me x

[mumto2teenagers]

I think there are two issues.

1. the sons behaviour - YANBU, you should be able to discuss this with your partner and discipline the son together.
   
   
2. him spending time with son / no couple holiday - I think YABU. It depends a bit on financial situation. I assume your partner wants to spend any money he has for holidays with his son included which I can understand. Wanting to spend so much time with his son and doing activities with him is a good thing.

[JKScot4]

All these pp offering advice seems pointless, it seems like OP will jump the minute he’s back in touch.
Stop analysing imaginary scenarios and admit you won’t go back.

[whattododoido]

@Home42 thanks for this. It’s good to hear it from a single parent as you can see it from his way.
Do you think I was harsh in what I said? Obsessed was the wrong word to use but it came out in the heat of the argument and you don’t think straight. I also said all I do is follow you both sodium’s and I’m bored of paying football, rugby and play fighting, I’m not a bloke. As tiring as it is and quite monotonous I feel this was harsh and he’s taken it as I’m bored of them?
If this was said to you would you their someone out, dump them and block them? I get he’s angry but surely we could discuss it and see where each other is coming from etc?
We
Took his child away for a Week last year, and it was non stop. It wasn’t a holiday for me. We argued then. We were up early every day and watching him do activities. Playing with him. Eating what he wanted etc. I thought we would put him to bed and have a couple of hours quality time with a glass of wine. But no, he stayed up late and my partner was so tired we went to end the same time as him. When we got home I said, when will we have some equality time? He did the same then. Flipped and said we’ve just had a week away with my son! It was quality time for them but I didn’t see it as time for me and my partner. X

[whattododoido]

@JKScot4 imaginary scenarios???

[whattododoido]

@mumto2teenagers I understand money but he has the money to spend! Plus I would pay my share for our holiday.

[JKScot4]

Seriously? your latest post is a list of questions!
All you do is put yourself down and justify him.
Stop, forget it, he’s history, don’t go back!

[ittooshallpass]

OP, please do not go back to this awful man. He has been treating you appallingly.

You finally snapped and he throws you out. Too bad you can't see that he has done you a favour.

Go back to your own place and block him.

You don't need to apologise, he doesn't have a point and who cares which word you used to describe the situation.

This 'man' sounds awful. He sounds like a complete shit of a dad. He cheated on the mother of his son? What a charmer.

Unfortunately he will be back. He LOVES the power he holds over you. He knows you want to discuss the situation and will lift the block to ALLOW you to apologise to him. Don't fall go it... call his bluff and move on.

Run and don't look back!

[whattododoido]

@ittooshallpass thanks. It’s hard not being able to talk about it. It’s hard he feels I’ve meant to a much harm. I’m hurting as it’s raw. I can see what everyone is saying it just doesn’t make the hurt any easier at the moment. X

[ittooshallpass]

I'm a single parent and would not allow anyone to be punched by my child or expect anyone to entertain them from sunrise to sunset. I would also put my child to bed at a reasonable time, so that I can relax and enjoy my evening.

This 'man' has NO idea how to parent.

Stop second guessing yourself! Who cares whether he agrees with you it not! That's how YOU feel. You don't have to justify yourself. This relationship isn't working. He's not going to change. I don't know how many more people need to tell you to leave this relationship?

[harper30]

OP you aren't listening. You need to move on and accept that's it's definitely for the best to not be with him! Stop feeling guilty, stop imagining getting back with him, FORGET IT.
Spend time on looking after yourself, enjoying time to do what you want to do, without the 5 year old demanding/punching you/having to feel guilty or like you are walking on eggshells.
Can you not appreciate the absolute free pass you've been given here? You don't have to be in that relationship anymore! You've not listed a single positive thing about being with him, and now you don't have to be!
Read books, watch films, go for walks, look after yourself, block him back and forget about him.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

The other thing that hasn’t been mentioned is that 5 is actually a pretty great age for a child. You are past the hard physical work of baby and toddler, you can have interesting conversations with them and yet they are young enough to still be adorable. It really is a golden age for parenting.

So if his son is pretty awful at 5 then the teenage years will be horrific!

[ittooshallpass]

I can see what everyone is saying it just doesn’t make the hurt any easier at the moment. X

OP... you need to start getting angry! How DARE he treat you like this. How DARE he think your opinion doesn't matter!

He's trying to guilt trip you for being angry (quite rightly!) for being treated like shit by him and his son. (His son has an excuse - he's 5 and does it because his dad allows it).

You don't need to discuss this... he's shown you how HE expects the relationship be. YOU don't want a relationship like that. So don't go back. Don't apologise for wanting a relationship where you are treated with kindness and respect.

For goodness sake OP, you don't need to be tangled up in this abusive relationship (and it it IS abusive; you can't communicate with him and if you don't do what HE wants, this is what you get). WHY do you want to be with someone who happily cheats on his sons mother??

Take this opportunity to be free of him and go and find a man to have a loving uncomplicated life with.

[MrsP2015]

Omg please don't have a child with him!

Do you still want to stay with him after reading everything on here?

[whattododoido]

@Mumoftwoyoungkids you’re right. The child can be sweet but like his dad he can flip it easily. I have children in my family and friends kids who never behave like this and are nowhere near as demanding. If he went to bed at a reasonable
Time and was disciplined I’m sure things could be different. X

[whattododoido]

@MrsP2015 I need to hear it for it to sink in. I guess I feel vulnerable and he makes me believe I’m in the wrong all the time by his anger. I don’t like arguing and want things to go back to being happy. X

[whattododoido]

@ittooshallpass thanks for it the advice. I do get angry at things but then I have a wave of sadness and I still miss him. When things are good they are great. I miss that. I want to be settled. Most men are hard work and I have loved him so it’s been easy to stay. I know he spent give me what I deserve. But do men do that anyway? X

[ittooshallpass]

They're not going to 'back to being happy'. That was an act... this current situation is how it is, how HE is.

You need to go forward to be happy. AWAY from him. His son is sadly a reflection of him. You KNOW it's not good behaviour from a 5 year old, why can't you see it's not good behaviour in a grown man?

[Tsubasa1]

I think when a few months have passed you will breathe a sigh of relief that things turned out this way.

[Fefifofaff]

All is happy as long as you do whatever he and his son want whenever they want it.

Ideas or wants of your own, not so happy.

[whattododoido]

@ittooshallpass yes you’re right, I know and thanks. Do you think he acted loving me? Sorry I just can’t comprehend why people act.

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

When you go back to him after he lifts his 'block' and ALLOWS you to apologise for the audacity of expressing an opinion.. what EXACTLY do you think will change for the better.!?

Would he be doing the lions share of the childcare... and allowing you to take a backseat/do something for yourself. Like MOST blended families? I have been a SM for 20 years and when step kids were small and came over their dad cooked, played, looked after them in the main whilst I had a bit of downtime, read, watched a movie etc Of course I joined in when I felt like it. It was never expected.

We also prioritised couple time and the relationship would never had worked if he hadn't.

For all those steaming in to say that they are obsessed by their children and you must be 'immature' for not understanding that kids come first.. I.call bollox !

There are a % on MN who believe you should never have an adult relationship if you have kids - and your entire life should be focussed on the children - this is of course a form of unhealthy obsession- good for neither parent or child but ultimately the parents choice as they will be making this particular rod for their own backs. The big difference for you is that he wants to play the obsessed parent at the expense of you doing all the work ! He is a grade A cheeky fucker and master manipulator.
The word you used - obsessed is absolutely correct.. in that he is OBSESSED with YOU caring for his child so that he can play the 'great dad'

You have been made to feel the bad guy. This is classic manipulation. When he snaps his fingers you will feel so pathetically grateful for the opportunity to 'explain yourself' in an attempt to regain his 'love' - that you would on e again of 'learned' not to ask for anything because you are not worthy.

Please think what you would want for your own daughter in this situation.

Please also think what your dad would counsel.

What do you and he do when the child isn't there.

[whattododoido]

@Tsubasa1 I hope so x

[whattododoido]

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel thank you. It’s good to hear that from a step mummy, you sound lucky with your partner. I do feel if he had been more considerate of me then I would not have been so angry about the situation. Generally when the son isn’t around we just stay in and cuddle up on the sofa. Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy this, the peace and quiet. But he never asks what I want to do. X

[Candyfloss99]

Please stop explaining yourself to everyone. The man your were with is a lazy parent and an abusive partner. You are well rid of him.