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Original poster

My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

353 replies

mummabubs · 23/04/2020 15:44

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

OP posts:
mummabubs · 23/04/2020 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

fluffdeloop · 23/04/2020 15:49

Tell him to go get therepy as hes obviously got issues Confused it's for him to sort not you. he should fancy you for more than what your stomach looks like. . if you had packed on 3 stone he might have had a point.

ukgift2016 · 23/04/2020 15:50

What does he want you to do? A size 12 is a normal and still a slim weight.

Will he pay for the operation to remove the excess skin?

Manda34 · 23/04/2020 15:51

I'm so sorry, all of that sounds really tough. I think it all depends, do you want to lose weight? If you lost weight anyway would you be able to forgive him for what he said? Is your marriage happier elsewhere and do you feel supported? I note you say you do the brunt of the work, which is really shit.

Yester · 23/04/2020 15:52

God don't have an operation to please a superficial man. I have put on about 2 stone due to illness (for 10 years) and 3 kids. My husband still fancies me because he loves me (and I him). I would go for counselling whwn possible.

Sparklfairy · 23/04/2020 15:53

To some extent HE did this to your body. He impregnated you. He's way out of line and as a PP said he either gets therapy or fucks off. I'm so angry for you.

pog100 · 23/04/2020 15:53

I think you've gauged the likely response here accurately. That's because you have enough sense to see it yourself. He is being fucking ridiculous and it is not boding well for the relationship.
He cannot see your couple of pounds extra around your tummy as some sort of deal breaker for fancying you, real people in real relationships fancy the pants off people for who they are and how they behave not for a body part.
I've no idea of the solution but he is the one that has to change not you, that's for sure

Greenkit · 23/04/2020 15:54

What did he think was going to happen to your body after you had a baby.

Did he think it was just going to spring back as if nothing had happened?

I have an overhang, I hate it and will be having a tummy tuck as soon as I can.

However, my partner loves me saggy tummy and all.

Your husband should suck it up and love you no matter what, you gave him a child and he gives you grief.

Fullyhuman · 23/04/2020 15:54

Psychotherapy for him is an excellent idea. I would prioritise this over everything bar basic needs. He could start via video call now. I’d insist he start this asap and ask for agreement to review the situation in six months.

firebrand123 · 23/04/2020 15:54

OP, first I want to send you a big hug. This is shitty and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

I've had 2 kids, my second was over 6 years ago now and I still have a saggy mum tum. It's not going anywhere. I run and I exercise and I do all sorts of abdominal exercise, and the tum is there. It's clearly just the way I am now. So, the first thing I would say is your DH needs to understand that your tummy may never change without surgery. Your body has carried babies, this is you but it's you because it did something miraculous and amazing, not through lack of exercise of good diet or any of that.

Trying not to character assassinate your DH, he does clearly understand how wrong what he's said is but this is on him to resolve, not you, if he loves you. I think you only have a future if he can acknowledge that he needs to deal with this and not put it on you. And if you can get over the hurt of having this said to you. You don't deserve this.

1990shopefulftm · 23/04/2020 15:55

I would calmly ask where do we go from here, logically as you have here explaining that extra skin isn't something you can get rid of easily without surgery.
I find it strange he didn't click having children might mean your skin stretching even with a healthy diet.
As you say you do the majority of the work so if he makes you feel this way perhaps going it alone is a consideration?

Lllot5 · 23/04/2020 15:55

It’s bullshit. ‘Most men would fuck a ham sandwich’.. Kathy Burke
There’s something else going on.

Original poster
mummabubs · 23/04/2020 15:55

Forgot to add and a couple have mentioned it, he's said he's willing to go to therapy with me to explore some of this with a neutral party. He says he loves me and feels terrible that he's hurt me... Which is lovely except that doesn't actually remove any of the pain I'm experiencing.

OP posts:
AnduinsGirl · 23/04/2020 15:56

For fucks sake. You've carried his child! It's a massive massive deal, and of course it has physical effects. So he bloody well should be crying... At the discovery of his own shallow, immaturity. Work on your body if its something that's important to YOU but don't do it for him.

egginabap · 23/04/2020 15:56

I agree it's bullshit. This is not about your tummy.

BiblioX · 23/04/2020 15:56

Ah lovely, that must have been hurtful to hear. The thing is, he has actually been incredibly selfish and manipulative. He wanted children, he is a grown man and is aware of women’s bodies frequently changing post-children. He did not HAVE to say what he did, he chose to knowing it would hurt you. Does he not think he will change over the years? That he’s no Adonis? That he’s bloody lucky to have you and the incredible thing you did bearing his child? This is the reality of life as opposed to porn - a beautifully brave mother with a mother’s body.
If my husband said that we would be over. I’ve been a single parent before, I’d do it again before being disrespected and hurt and in an unequal relationship. You are both meant to feel cherished and cared for, appreciated, I don’t think he does you.

Original poster
mummabubs · 23/04/2020 15:57

@ukgift2016 I did genuinely say to him the other day that if he's that desperate to see it go then he's welcome to pay the £6.5k for a tummy tuck. I've yet to see the money (!)

OP posts:
Hauskat · 23/04/2020 15:57

I wonder if he has a deeper problem? Was the birth traumatic? How has he found the transition to fatherhood? I’m just struggling with the idea that changing a dress size is the problem is it something to do with your body being the body of someone who has had a child?
Honestly I am so sorry. You must feel so hurt and numb. You’ve brought a child into the world. It must hurt so much. It goes without saying he isn’t having a normal reaction at all.

Wearywithteens · 23/04/2020 15:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

firebrand123 · 23/04/2020 15:58

Do you think you can get over this? Honestly? I once dated a guy who told me early on that he wished he fancied me more. I stuck with him because of my poor sense of self worth at the time, but I never got over it. 10 years I stuck with him, and those words stuck with me. I think you need to take some time yourself to see how you feel about him after this.

Branleuse · 23/04/2020 15:58

What does he expect you to do about it?
I mean, its quite normal to have ups and downs in terms of attraction to your partner. Is he saying go on a diet? Get a tummy tuck? Wear a girdle? Leave you for an unblemished younger model?

What are you supposed to do with this information now. What do YOU think. Can you forgive him for his shallowness and lack of sensitivity after you nurtured and grew and birthed his baby, to then sit and criticise the fact that it changed the way your tummy looks? I cant get over that he actually cried about how sad insulting you made him feel
Im not surprised you feel hurt.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 23/04/2020 15:59

This is so sad. Is this love? What if he was in a fire and gor scarred? Yes he should feel shallow. He is the one that has a problem not you. Does he fondly imagine he is going to be hunk of the year? I have 4 children 12 grandchildren and am 3 stone heavier than when we married. My OH has said several times that in his eyes I am the same girl he married. He is not the only man I know whose love is the same when your looks have gone. We all lose our looks in the end. This also seems a strange reason for not wanting another child. Is there more to this in his mind? Does he confuse early infatuation and desire with true love and partnership, because the first is not at all the same as the lifelong stuff

Embracelife · 23/04/2020 15:59

Does he love you and the child you made together?

He is shallow. He goes to therapy.
You get some counselling support separately. Then see.
Future isnt good if he continues to be such a twat

Callimanco · 23/04/2020 15:59

"he didn't think he was shallow"
And yet, he is. He is right, this is his problem. It doesn't matter how much weight you lose the mummy tummy will still be there as it's stretched skin.

I would tell him you earned that belly when you grew the child that he impregnated you with, and yes he is right that he should be ashamed of himself if he can't see the beauty of your amazing body and how it bears the scars of having nurtured and given life. I would suggest you deny him of the opportunity to enjoy your body until such time as he grows the heck up a bit. You aren't a plastic doll. You are a real human with a real body and not some kind of trophy or candy for his eyes.

Tell him to sort himself out. It's not your problem, it's his.

BeetrootRocks · 23/04/2020 16:00

I agree that this sounds like an excuse I wonder if there is something else going on