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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

266 replies

ExPattobe · 22/04/2020 23:15

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/04/2020 12:01

I think that a bit unfair - OP's last post was about intending to see a lawyer and gain true understanding of her position, what else do you really expect from her?

FlowerArranger · 23/04/2020 12:02

... very good reasons why the UK is a more lovely place to live than the US.

I love the US. Most Americans are lovely. What a great country - to visit. Never want to live there again though.

And then there's Bill Bryson... Smile

Notes from a Small Island
Notes from a Big Country

Pinkdelight3 · 23/04/2020 12:37

You say this was the long-term plan - fine. So keep it the long-term plan. Don't let his impulsive fool side call the shots. This advice is crucial:

Do not be persuaded that this job offer, right now, is the only and ever chance and you must, must take it or it's all over. He can negotiate with the company or put them off for a time. Or find another job over there.

He has to turn this job down. It's that simple. It's not a gun to your head. It's a job offer that doesn't suit your life plans right now AT ALL. At best it speaks to his emotional yearning for half of his kids. That CANNOT be the guiding factor in such a massive decision. If you both sincerely want to move to the US in the longer term, then you need to weather this CV storm, get married, the begin to plan properly for when, where and how to make the move work for both of, including visiting there as tourists plenty of times to be certain that it's the right move for you. There should be absolutely no rush, no emotional blindfolds or blackmailing. You are not responsible for his decision to procreate across the globe. You are responsible for yourself and your children primarily, because he's not factoring your needs in his plans so you need to be extra vigilant and not just go along with his impulses because... love...

Read and re-read this thread and take heed. Be smart, be informed, and keep control of your life.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 23/04/2020 12:40

Brilliant advice @Pinkdelight3

AnnaNimmity · 23/04/2020 12:56

I agree with Differentnameforthis and VanillaandHoney - she is insane

peppermintcapsules · 23/04/2020 12:58

There are definitely some places in the US I'd not hesitate to move to (not in a month, however), but DC isn't one of them, unless I were very rich (a lot of people live in Virginia or Maryland and commute in).

And not with a man I wasn't married to who plotted behind my back and put his desires to be with one half of his family ahead of me and our kids.

FFS. How do the kids feel? We're toying with the idea now and really talked about it with our kids, both of whom are US nationals via their father. If they're not on board, forget it. Not going to do that to them.

It's a HUGE move and even more so if you are not married to this man, have to rely on employer for visa, etc. FWIW, you can still apply for green card if you're married to a US citizen, but not sure if there are string attached to this as I've been married for 20 years so it's not a new marriage at all. It's not cheap or a quick (just like the process to get a visa to remain here if you are married to a UK national, which is now quite expensive, minimum income requirements, exams, all sorts).

FizzyGreenWater · 23/04/2020 13:03

Brilliant advice above from Pinkdelight3

I would add to it. You do indeed need to tell him that THIS job needs to be turned down, but you then need to watch and learn VERY carefully from his reaction. Your permanent happiness may depend on it very closely.

If he's willing to listen, sees your point of view, and agrees (or at least recognises that you have every right to decline and that means that the job is off) - then good. Your interpretation of his motives as generally innocent and positive may be fair.

If you get sulks, maniplation, persuasion - the sudden appearance of additional factors or terms and conditions which mean that turning this down will be fatal - basically if he tries to railroad once you have said a fair and considered no - then you need to think VERY carefully about moving you and your children to be in his home country.

You call him impulsive, keen, just missing his kids, didn't think he'd get the job so didn't want to 'worry' you - all very, very telling phrases which make it clear as day that the dynamic here is (at least a little bit) - his MO is 'do it and ask permission later' and you make excuses for that.

The red flags that people are seeing here is that his behaviour isn't actually as innocent as you'd like very much for it to be - and that he gets his way by being manipulative. That's definitely partly the case, by the way - him not even telling you about the application then steamrollering it very quickly into a 'we will move next month' is an absolute forest of red flags and there's no other way to interpret it. No way on earth would I be ok with the way he went about that. It tells you a LOT about how he sees your relationship and how much he feels entitled to have things his way.

Once you move, you have put yourself entirely in his power - whether married or not. It's fine to say you'd intended to go anyway but there's more to consider. If you split, if you end up hating it, if he changes once he's there with all his family and you're alone in that sense- if he's unfaithful - if the dynamic with him being closer to his family and your inlaws being more in the picture doesn't work well - once you are there, the scales are weighted towards him permanently, as he will know and you will know that leaving will become a million times easier for him and a million times harder for you.

I will just say that I would very much not like to have my marriage suddenly put into that status quo with the kind of husband who doesn't tell me he's applying for a job in another country so as not to 'worry' me...

I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him after this stunt.

I suggest you explain to him why this job will not be suitable - then sit back, watch his reaction, and judge from that whether you should trust him either.

Blacksndwhitecat01 · 23/04/2020 13:08

The red flag was when he applied for a job and didnt discuss it or the possible consequences.

I would NOT trust him. He clearly does what he wants and you’ve to go along with it

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 23/04/2020 13:19

Reading between the lines, it also sounds as if he moved to the U.K. with his American wife- presumably for work- then left her. So he has form for hauling families across the Atlantic and abandoning them.

EllaPaella · 23/04/2020 13:26

If you move there with your kids and then feel it was a big mistake or you separate from your partner then you will be stuck in the US all that way from home and your family and support network in the UK. He's unlikely to then agree to you bringing the kids back to the UK without a fight. I wouldn't do it unless I was 100% certain it was going to work - I'd insist on being married before going as well.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2020 13:27

Did he leave his wife for you, op ?

Biscuitsdisappear · 23/04/2020 13:37

If he thinks that all of you can be out there in a month then tell him to crack on with sorting it all out.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 23/04/2020 13:44

Really great advice here, and quote of the week really should be: You are not responsible for his decision to procreate across the globe Grin

Briefly, check the criteria for NHS treatment if you decide to leave the UK and come back. It's based on being resident for 12 months, but am not sure what period is involved.

But if you do go, just go prepared.

peppermintcapsules · 23/04/2020 13:50

Did he leave his wife for you, op ?

No one would ever admit that, though Grin.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/04/2020 13:55

He didn’t fight his ex wife not to take his dc back home because he’s a decent guy

No, it's because he has never for one second considered that longer term, he might not be there too. He's already decided he will be coming with his other family in tow asap anyway and the thought that you might not simply go along with that isn't even something he has in the back of his mind.

category12 · 23/04/2020 14:06

I think FizzyGreenWater has it ^.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2020 14:08

Did he leave his wife for you, op ?

I didn't really expect an answer...

HazelBite · 23/04/2020 14:30

Ds and DDil (US Citizen) got mattied in Texas June 2018, after years of looking into which would be the easiest place for them to both live and work in. Without an offer of a job it was unlikely that DS would have got a Visa (Without the promise of a Visa no job offer)
After much "looking into it" DDil applied for a visa to come and work and live in the UK and arrived finally August 2019..

The Op is on a "sticky wicket" not being married, despite the history the US is not very encouraging to those wishing to permanently settle.
To think this can all be sorted in a month is nonsense, the OP could be easily be turned away by immigration at the airport. The OP has no legal standing as an unmarried partner Dc's or not.

ExPattobe · 23/04/2020 15:05

I haven’t disappeared, soz I’ve been busy running a home and caring for 2 kids! Have only got chance to reply now.

DP have spoken about this at length today, he knows he’s screwed up and he hasn’t long finished a call with his company. We will go in a year. They are fine with this but he will need to go over monthly which he’s fine about.
No affair to speak of on his part, they split because she got pregnant with another mans baby. I met him after his divorce and no hauling of wife and kids for his career. His wife was given an ex-pat opp as a CEO he was the training spouse and carved out a career for himself.

We will be married before we relocate and we will both make sure we have immigration advice. He’s a good man that made an error, he’s not an axe murderer.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2020 15:10

Have you actually read these responses op?

fairlygoodmother · 23/04/2020 15:19

I would make sure you speak to an immigration lawyer first. I’m sure there are many potential pitfalls but just as an example, if you go on an L1 visa and then lose your job you have to leave the country pretty quickly because the visa is tied to your job. I would start the process of applying for a green card now so that if and when you do move you have the security of permanent residency.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2020 15:24

And abracadabra there is nothing to see here. Move along everybody.

occa · 23/04/2020 15:30

Well OP at least you're not going immediately, but it still stands that you absolutely have to have independent residence status in the US that doesn't in any way rely on your partner.

I think most posters are missing the point by saying that the worst case scenario is you getting stuck in the US because you can't take your DC home. This is not true. The worst case scenario is your right to remain being revoked if you split and you being deported without your DC. The US absolutely does not care that they will be separating a parent from their UD children by deporting them, it happens all the time. ICE is notoriously heartless.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 23/04/2020 15:35

*His company”- so he has already accepted the new job?

category12 · 23/04/2020 16:33

I'm glad he's settled down and a year is a more realistic timeline.

Are you still planning to get legal advice about immigration, OP? Don't go into it without thoroughly researching the move on your own. Know exactly what you're getting into, don't get blown along his enthusiasm - you know he's impulsive and not thinking things through.