DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

Such a bad idea - stepping aside from all the immigration issues, but keep in mind that as your children are dual, the US does not recognise dual citizenship and they will be deemed Americans.

The impulsive side of DP, which you find endearing, would be a red flag to me, and moving countries in the middle of a pandemic is high on the side of irrationality.

Yes, of course it can be done, but why?

You can't go with him.

Visa related problems.

End of conversation.

You may be able to go at some point, but you will have significantly less rights and may be unable to work at all for some considerable time.

@ExPattobe If your dp already had a job which allowed him to go to the US once a month already, why did he need to change jobs? Sounds perfect for him.

If the apparently great thing about this new job was that he could work in the UK, what was so great about it? Again, why did he have to get this new job?

Sounds fishy to me. I am so glad you created this thread.

No way.

So many red flags and potential problems I don't know where to begin.

OP - DO. NOT. DO. THIS.

What stood out to me was he has put his wants with regard to his older dc before any consideration for you or his younger dc. He sounds very selfish imo.
As has been said very risky having your dc there if you want to come back.

A PP has already mentioned something similar but, if you make this move with young kids, it is likely to be forever.

I have a very unhappy friend who is emotionally stuck in the US and doesn’t want to be. He moved for work in the early 90s and took his wife and young family. For him it was a work thing and he always planned to head home on retirement. It was a long planned and carefully managed family move. But he only thought about himself in the long term and disregarded the lifetime implications for his family. They divorced some years ago and his ex has remarried to an american. The kids are all grown up and settled and completely American. They have American education, careers, families and children of their own.

My friend is now retired but can’t come back to the UK without leaving his children and grandchildren (who he loves very much and has a close and active relationship with). His relationship with his partner suffers because she knows he wishes he was elsewhere. His state is very red and he hates that “Guns n Jesus” approach that he never really worried about when he was working, but it is one that his children were exposed to from a young age and have absorbed as adults, which also upsets him.
Basically he has created a situation which will make him terribly unhappy for decades to come by being self centred and not thinking through the implications for everyone involved.

All I can say OP, is are you insane?

Do NOT move to the US with this man.

You need to do your own research to understand the implications. Immigration is a big big topic with lots of pitfalls. In the absence of being able to get a reliable immigration lawyer (lots of incompetents out there), consult the forums at britishexpats.com. They have seen all sorts of situations over the years and can tell you what things you need to be considering and what questions you need to ask your lawyers.

For example, not being married is an issue, nationality of your joint children is also an issue - if they are American due to your husband's nationality, and you are not then if your relationship breaks down you may end up being in a worst case situation where you have to leave the country and they stay with your husband.

Your husband is being massively naive at best - is he a dual citizen of UK and USA? Did he go through visa applications to come to the UK because I can't believe he's forgotten what a faff that was.

I'd not be able to trust a man who made a life choice so massive behind my back, tbh.

Thanks to covid19 we are on the brink (with one foot over the edge) of a devastating worldwide recession. Every single industry will be hit. Every single company, domestic or international will be scaling back on employees, salaries and benefits. Does the phrase last in first out mean anything to you? If his job goes, which it well might, your partner will have few or no employment rights , his medical insurance for example , could be cancelled overnight.

This is the time to make a bold move if you are young , hardworking, ambitious , have nothing to lose and no ties or commitments. It is not the time to make a move if you have four children and at least one wife who will be dependent on you financially for the foreseeable future.

differentnameforthis has summed up my reaction to this thread precisely.

If you aren’t married you won’t be considered a family for visa purposes. Let him go and then see what happens later this year with the pandemic.

I would have no hesitation in going. Completely understand him wanting to be near his kids

A month is going to be tight but it's doable and exciting :).

The poster in NZ is not the first woman to start a thread because she followed a partner to his home country or another country and now he won't let her take the children back to the UK.

Pretty sure there's at least one other recent poster already stuck in the US.

It's sadly not a particularly unusual occurrence.

@ExPattobe.... Lots of important points already raised, particularly in relation to immigration, the fact that a large $$$ salary will go nowhere near as far as you might think, plus the huge pressures this move will put on your relationship with your partner. Never mind his underhanded way of springing this on you!

I'd like to ask whether you have you considered the long term effects on you and your family? Your parents will be unable to see their grandchildren grow up. And what will happen when your parents get older? How will you manage to help them if they get frail; even just visiting them may be difficult - given that you may get just 10 days vacation a year.

What if you don't settle? Homesickness can be a bitch and drain the lifeblood out of you...

Your children will become Americanized. You might end up like a friend of mine: she and one adult child back in the UK, others living in different parts of the US. Just visiting them is a logistical nightmare, and she will never have a proper relationship with her grandchildren as she is lucky if she sees them once a year. They have yet to visit her in the UK due to lack of funds and vacation allowance.

Really, really think about this.

My feeling is if you go over, he’s not going to let you and the kids come back.
He can’t be in two countries at once, he’s let his kids go once and is now following them, I don’t think he’s going to risk that again.

As awful as it sounds, can you wait a bit and then follow? I think moving now will be difficult and it is quite unfair of him to expect it.

Id be pissed off it had got this far without consultation TBH.
Based on what ive seen over the years at my company, if you're not married i doubt you'd get a work visa unless your own company sponsor you (assuming he's dual nationality).
Also didnt Trump cancel any immigration to US yesterday so your US DP may be able to return but where does that leave you? Find an immigration lawyer and check out your options asap

One of my children have a friend whose parents aren’t english.
They kind of ended up here through jobs etc. the children’s lives are here, school, friends etc. They are “English” she is not, she struggles with the different accents, the different culture they are growing up in and the grand parents treating them differently to the local ones.

Do NOT go

Even if you are willing to stay in the USA for the rest of your life

• which is clearly what your DP intends

• you may be forced to leave, whether by Trump or because of being unable to support yourself after job loss

This would be WITHOUT your kids

Trump says he will halt applications for US green cardss* for 60 days

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-52377122

• which give immigrants legal permanent residence and the opportunity to apply for American citizenship

So the bottom line is OP he wants to go back and live in his country of birth because he misses his children and other family but doesnt give a stuff that you might miss your family and friends or that your children will miss their Grandparents, its all about him ! He has gone behind your back and lied by omission and you are such a doormat you will just accept that.
Go but be very aware that this man only cares about himself and be very prepared to come back to the U.K penniless, homless and childless.

As awful as it sounds, can you wait a bit and then follow?

Christ, do not do this.

OP isn't married. There is no guarantee she'd be able to move to America in the future, so she'll be stuck here without her kids, potentially forever.

If he wants to move so badly, he can go alone and she can follow with the children as and when it's practical to do so.

How long have you been with him and how old are the children?

The issues with your relationship aside. Would you move to the US if it was just you and your dc? Would you be able to afford health insurance and healthcare on your salaries? I'm American and though I don't live in the US anymore (and absolutely never would move back - that alone should tell you something), when I last lived there 10 years ago, my health insurance (for me alone) was $600 a month. Then on top of that I had to pay for services, like a GP visit ($30-50 depending), prescriptions ($20-60 each), I needed a colposcopy due to abnormal smear ($1000), all that on top of monthly insurance premiums.

Would you be able to drive? Like legally could you drive on your UK license and be insured, or would you be able to apply for a US license? When I moved to the UK, I wasn't even allowed to apply for a UK license for the first 6 months of my visa, which meant I was very isolated to start (thankfully, I worked from home anyway, but meant I couldn't get to a dr appt and I didn't have dc then, but I wouldn't have been able to do the school run). Would you be confident learning to drive on the other side of the road? Even living in DC, most people will have cars. Public transport is good in some areas, but non-existent in others.

Are your dc able to change schools and what are the schooling options there? It entirely depends on where in DC/VA/MD you might live, but I think most Americans would say that the state schools in DC are not good. Could you afford independent schools?

And I would think very seriously about the legal ramifications of if you split up (or even if you don't and you just decide the US isn't working for you) and you want to move back home. Could you bring your dc back? If your children are US citizens, it will be hard to make the case that they need to come back to the UK. I would really stress only moving to another country where your partner/children are citizens if you really are truly sure you'd be happy never coming back home. I moved to the UK (dh is British) and we had dc (who are dual citizens) absolutely sure that I never planned to return to the US. If dh and I got divorced and I wanted to go back, it would be very difficult for me to take dc (even as dual citizens). There is a legal case that their life is in the UK. I could go without them, but probably not be able to take them with me. In my case, that's fine. I'm a UK citizen now too and I moved here planning for this to be my permanent home. If you aren't sure you would want that (even if you and your dp think you'll come back), I would stay put personally.

That's before taking into account all the other very good reasons why the UK is a more lovely place to live than the US.

I don’t think she’ll be replying it’s clear she’s made her choice. I’m sure in a few months time she’ll get back to us about being stuck with no way out. You’ve been advised by so many and you know in your heart I’m sure it’s the wrong move to make. No dick is good enough to compromise and your and your children’s future.