DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

Yeah, I checke, google your council and weddings. You can’t get married right now.

Why aren't you angry OP? You should be angry that he has done this without even speaking to you, without even consulting you, thinking about you. You're in a partnership - it's meant to be about both of you, what's best for your family. At the very least it's incredibly selfish, at the most - exceptionally controlling.

And what about your needs? Presumably you have family, friends, a life, a home, a career - neither you nor he are even thinking about these. Why would leave all of these for one man? Again, it's just red flags that you are subsuming your needs to him (and he is too).

And USA now??? Really? Have you seen the news? Trump! Recession! Abortion! COvid! Guns! My god. US is the last place I'd want to live now. And even post covid a life under trump isn't something I'd want for myself or my daughters.

and yes, you are putting yourself at huge risk of being abandoned by this man, but stuck in the US and unable to bring your children home. I have read that other thread. You should too. (I don't know what his history is by the way, but I wouldn't trust any man not to leave me, and for the worse outcome - in this case, it's pretty bad I think).

I had a boyfriend who wanted me to move to the US. Very similar. He wanted to be near his kids - who didn't even talk him after the way he treated them and his ex - applied for jobs, would bombard me with job adverts for roles he thought I should go for. No consideration about what was best for me.

On the assumption that his job is desk-based, and was previously able to be done remotely from the U.K., what are the reasons that the employer now wants him in the US? Are people in D.C. not working remotely anyway, like us? He could always work US hours from the U.K. A company that suddenly asks a person to uproot their whole family within a month IN THE MIDST OF A PANDEMIC sounds like a very dodgy employer to me. Also, is your DP a bit of a Yes Man who is afraid to push back? eg is it possible that the company don’t realise that you are not a US citizen or that you have a job?

As for your own job, again I’m astonished that they are remotely considering relocating you with all that is going on, a relocation to suit the personal needs of an employee is still going to be an administrative burden right now that they could do without. And I strongly echo what @Mummyoflittledragon said:

Even if you transfer to then US, will you have any kind of job security? You have to be really careful to get the correct, legally binding contract with your current employer when you move to a different country. If you don’t, legally you will be classed as having started work with the organisation the day you joined the US office (or office in any other country). The longevity of employment outside the US will be irrelevant. That also applies for coming from another country to the U.K.

Don’t forget that US employment conditions are notoriously shit- max 2 weeks holiday a year, dismissal possible with at 2 weeks’ notice, crap maternity if you have another baby. You will have a U.K. contract at the moment, you really don’t want to be giving that up. And your DP will also have the same shit working conditions combined with being a new recruit at a time when the global economy is tanking. Huge alarm bells.

Forgive me if this has been explained, but has he already left the job he was doing before in the U.K. to take up this position with the US company, but working from the U.K.? Or are they making the new job now conditional on his moving to the US? i.e. could he just stay put doing what he’s doing and forget the whole thing.

And one final question- are you even able to work at all at the moment with two children under school age at home?

You need to work together in this as a team.

He's deceived and surprised you - that's not on.

You cannot move there at the moment.

You should marry before you move
You need to seek legal advice re:what would happen to the kids if you split.

There's a lot to consider. He needs to get his head out of his ass and think about the practicalities.

Last week there was a thread on here about a woman who relocated to NZ with her DH. She hates it but is now trapped because she cannot take her children back. Try to find the thread.
Your relationship sounds less than stable, as others have already highlighted.
What’s to stop his ex moving again. Are you going to keep following her?
Take control of your life OP. Make decisions for you and your children considering that once you move it’s highly possible that it’s irreversible.

There was a thread on here this month about a lady who followed her husband to NZ with the children. She hates it, is now stuck and can't take the children out of the country. She'd do anything to go back in time.

Be very, very careful here whilst you still have the chance.

@Notcrackersyet - XP! Great minds

Would it be practical for him to go to the states whilst you organised everything that needs organising from this side?

Sorry if that’s been suggested. I’ve not read the full thread.

Alternatively, let him go, you stay here permanently, and you see each other as often as possible. Long distance relationship for the next 12 months, until you decide whether to stay or go?

By the way, from your update at 00:44

I’m definitely NBU from your responses so I’m going to ask him to table the discussion on moving until a) COVID-19 calms the f down b) we can reschedule our wedding so that all of the kids can attend and c) my job in the US is secured.

In the U.K. “table” means “discuss immediately” as in “we are now going to table this motion”. Americans use it to mean “put to one side”, where we would say “shelve” eg “I’m shelving this until Covid has calmed down”. It has caused serious misunderstandings in my workplace before!
You also talk about “daycare”- sounds like you are already three quarters American!

Unless you are married you cannot get a spouse visa other than a 6 month visitor one, and trump is trying to suspend immigration anyway. One month is not feasible. I wasn't allowed to work at all either so unless your company can sponsor you (will take longer than a month) your options are very limited. I would having said that say it could be a fun experience, I loved living there, but it took us 6 months to move.

What else should I be looking into? I’m sulking with him as I feel real pressure to go along with this, more so because Of the £££ that goes with his job. He won’t get that here I don’t think.

Against the huge salary , balance what you will have to pay for US health insurance; whether you'd have to pay privately for decent education. What about your DCs missing relationships with your UK relatives?

Take a look at what is going on in US politics , and US society, during covid. Absolutely no way would I live there while Donald Trump is
POTUS,

OP, great advice on this thread. I wanted to come back on your comment about not wanting a quickie wedding as you wanted all the kids there for the ceremony.

Please do consider that both can happen. A quickie legal one to protect you and a really great emotional ceremony with all your loved ones when it becomes possible due to COVID19 relaxation of restriction on travel, etc.

In many countries, the civil and religious or quasi religious ceremonies are distinct anyway due to separation of State and Church.

Please don't travel without the legal rights given by marriage, and I say this as an expat myself.

Doesn’t seem like a good time to be making such drastic lifestyle changes tbh. Everything is so uncertain and it may be very unsettling for your children. Don’t make any rush decisions.

I have moved country in 6 weeks, but, I've moved country every year or two for the last 20 years, so I'm used to packing up and going, and don't usually accumulate much stuff because of that.

You get business class flights, you pack most of your life into 2 large suitcases each, scan all paperwork, and give away/whack in storage everything else (those people who deliver wooden pods you can just fill up work very well for this) with a view to coming back in a few months and sorting it out (or years.. in my case twice!). You get a full set of keys cut for the house, and just pick an estate agent - it'll cost more, but they can sort everything for you (it is easier if there are some family/friends on the ground to help out here, but it can be done remotely - again, I've done this with 2 different agents).

Unless they're paying for relocation? In which case it actually kinda takes longer, as you've got more official things going on around packing and shipping - so I'd almost ask them to defer that for a few months, pay for your storage, and move with suitcases.

When you get to the new country, live in a serviced apartment for a month while you find somewhere to rent long term - childcare will be the first thing to arrange, but if he has family there, hopefully you have a headstart on finding that.

So it's doable, kinda, but it will cost more, and you will have to think on your feet a bit.

Please don’t forget that the more he is paid the more vulnerable his job is when the employer gets short of money- they can cut costs much more quickly by canning one senior employee, and it’s often easy to persuade someone with senior decision-making responsibility that they have fucked op and should consider their position. New people brought in to achieve a specific aim can often be given significant targets/objectives immediately and will be unceremoniously axed if they don’t perform. Given that you have said he is impulsive, could be a recipe for disaster at work.

Just out of interest, leaving aside all the obvious reasons not to agree to this, how is he envisaging that you will travel there?

If you go on a visa sponsored by your work, you will be scuppered if that job disappears.
You will then be reliant on being married..... and not allowed to work until months, possibly years worth of paperwork are sorted out. My friend could not work in the U.S for three years after they moved for her DH’s job.

Do you want to relocate for ever? Health insurance, College Fees, incredibly short holidays? Thoughts about your pension? Also check divorce settlement norms. My friend will get a much worse deal if she divorced in America than here.

I have a friend who works for a large profitable US corp but in the UK. All the senior staff In both countries have just taken a 20% pay cut.

I’m amazed someone is hiring from the Uk and paying big money.

OP, you are very vulnerable. Don’t even think of moving abroad, without a lot more preparation. He may be impulsive-but-loveable now, but once you and your DC are in his country you will be powerless.

And moving house and country during a pandemic? Total insanity, if it’s even possible.

One thing to consider is that while the pay is higher, your living costs will be higher.
Good health insurance will cost the four of you around $15,000/yr and you can expect to spend a further $3000/yr in copayment unless you do end up in hospital for anything at all.
Food is about twice the price of the U.K. so your grocery bill will be much higher.
Taxes if you live in California or New York will be higher. Elsewhere ranges from same to lower (states with no income tax like Florida and Texas are low cost of living).

Ps, because we weren't married I went into the us on a visitor visa and my dd had a derivative visa if my then dp so she could access his health insurance, caused so many issues at immigration, they accused me of trying to enter illegally (I had a 6 month visitor visa) and that I would overstay. We married quickly then had a proper wedding later to sort out the issues, we have friends who did the same

I have moved country in 6 weeks, but, I've moved country every year or two for the last 20 years, so I'm used to packing up and going, and don't usually accumulate much stuff because of that.

You get business class flights, you pack most of your life into 2 large suitcases each, scan all paperwork, and give away/whack in storage everything else (those people who deliver wooden pods you can just fill up work very well for this) with a view to coming back in a few months and sorting it out (or years.. in my case twice!).

This is a textbook example in missing the point. I also move countries on a semi-regular basis, but (a) at my own instigation (b) such moves are not sprung upon me as a fait accompli by a man who has almost certainly lied about not expecting his job application to be a success, hence not mentioning it (c) not while not married to the person who is instigating the move, and with two children he will be able to refuse to leave the destination country, of which he and they are citizens, while I may be deported (d)not while I have no possibility of a visa or work prospects and (e) not into Trump's US in the middle of a pandemic.

Taxes if you live in California or New York will be higher. Elsewhere ranges from same to lower (states with no income tax like Florida and Texas are low cost of living)

@PlanDeRaccordement. OP has clarified that it would be Washington D.C.

One other thing that has just occurred to me: you won’t be able to rent your house out within a month. No viewings happening (you couldn’t even get an agent to come and see it for taking it on the books), zero prospective tenants for a family home.

Even in normal fines getting it rented within a month would be highly unlikely. What really rings alarm bells for me is that your DP seems to have sprung this on you with the suggestion that it could all be wrapped up in a month, when anyone with half a brain would know that was logistically impossible, even without a pandemic.

Also, would he not have to work out notice in his current job?

Normal fines = normal times.