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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finances

184 replies

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 12:45

My husband and I why have been going to marriage guidance. In the last session we had before lockdown happened. He told us we had to be honest about our finances. because I don't work so I rely on tax credits and child benefit for 5 children. I don't get anything for the baby who is 2 next year because I had her after April 2017. I get no child maintenance for my older two from their dad either however I do get the tax credits for all four children but not my fifth. My husband is self-employed so it changes every year what we get. All he gives me is housekeep for food. He does pay the mortgage and all the bills etc. and I do a little bit of work from home but he doesn't really like me doing that because he says I need to concentrate on the house but I do juggle the both and I said he helped would have tidy house and more money coming in and and if I could do it it often then we would get more in tax credits also with my wage coming in but at the moment all I can do is sell on eBay. So I've had to put a stop to this also. The marriage guidance man said we need to sit down together to discuss finances because I said when I asked for money for the children's clothes and shoes etc it's like I'm asking for blood out of a stone.And most of the time I do by what the children need haircuts etc and things for the house. But it doesn't go too far because we do have five children that constantly do need things anyone who is apparently no the list is endless.I said if I could just have him not moan at me while I try and do a job from home that was offered to me.I said I just feel that we should have a joint account or something when we have put the money to share. I opened up a bank statement the other day which was addressed to me but I thought I opened my son's bank statement by accident and said oh no it's not for me.my husband took it straight out my hand and said why are you opening it if it's not for you. I said it is for me but they've missed printed and put for the parent of so I thought it wasn't for me. he then said why you open it if it's for me and I said no it's for me I said but obviously you don't want to see your bank statement. I walked off and he started being nice after that. he told me that he wants me to do his accounts at the end of the tax year instead of paying someone else to do it. So I said if I do the books then I need to get a book papers book as I'm not very good on using Excel spreadsheets.so every week on month you need to give me all your receipts and earnings etc.he said no I'll just give you my earnings at the end of the year and I told him that I need to keep on top of every month so that we don't end up owing money or they don't underpay US tax credits. So he's now got funny about this.
am I the only one to think it's unusual that my husband doesn't share anything financially with me and thinks because he pays the mortgage and bills and gives me£120 a week for a family of 7 that I should be ok?

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 21/04/2020 13:13

He is financially abusive, OP. Yes, you should have joint access to finances. He is only able to work because you take care of the kids, three of which are his!

Whose name is on the mortgage/house?

Babooshkar · 21/04/2020 13:45

This certainly sounds like financial abuse.

What is your H’s job? Approx earnings? I suppose it’s possible he is on a low income and therefore there isn’t any extra money, but if that was the case I suspect he would be more open with you seeing bank statements etc..

Is the house in both your names?

firstimemamma · 21/04/2020 13:53

Bloody hell op, he sounds awful. My fiancé and I aren't even married yet and everything is shared. Joint account - we both have cards and even though he earns all the money we very much consider it 'our money'. I can buy whatever I need. Your own situation shouldn't be such a far cry from this very normal example of a healthy relationship.

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 13:57

As mentioned in previous posts his name is on the house when he bought the house he didn't put my name on the mortgage. he promised that he would make sure he would do it when we had around and I sent him away to his mum's for the night. he still didn't do it and then every time we had an argument he will say I'm not going to put your name on the house if we're going to split up. a marriage guidance I brought it up and the man said to him no wonder why your wife feels insecure if I had 10 couple sat in this room and one of them wasn't on the mortgage they would feel very insecure. so he said to the marriage counsellor I won't use it against anymore I will put her name on the house.so it's so my name is on the house but not on the mortgage because I can't afford to pay a mortgage. To make me feel secure. We have done the forms now but it's sort of taking the edge off feeling positive because it took arguments and marriage guidance for him to see what he was doing.I have seen a solicitor who reassured me that if we do sell the house now I will get 70% of it it most likely anyway. Because we had five children together. Also so he can't force the sale of it until the youngest one is 18

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 13:58

He takes home after tax etc £150 per day. Plus he some inheritance left the mortgage will be paid off within 8 years. the cars that we have able out right we have no debts whatsoever

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 14:01

I meant £170 per day

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 21/04/2020 14:01

With zero transparency this is not an equal relationship. He holds all the power. How demeaning to have to ask for the bare essentials. And wow is he keeping you on a very tight leash.

AhNowTed · 21/04/2020 14:03

£120 to feed, entertain and clothe 7 people. Ridiculous! Is he afraid you might have the means to buy a poxy coffee. FFS.

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 14:05

Well we get tax credits and child benefits but I have to use that in my diesel and mobile and oldest 2 mobiles, pocket money and all kids school dinners . Apart from my baby who is nearly 2 but she will be starting dancing and swimming when virus hell over

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 14:06

I don't get tax credits for baby as she was born after April 2017. I am trying to work from home but he gets hump

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 21/04/2020 14:09

You should have access to the same money as him. End of.

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 14:09

I top up shopping with what I get from gov

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 14:09

I know.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/04/2020 14:40

He's financially abusive

LilyE1234 · 21/04/2020 14:52

He wants you to “concentrate on the house” instead of work. Is this the 50’s!? He’s financially abusive and misogynistic too

DesparadoNewlywed · 21/04/2020 15:01

Sounds like he's probably using DC's bank account to hide some money from you.

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 15:46

He has his own bank account. All tax credits etc go in my personal account

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 15:47

He dies pay for all bills mortgage etc. He is on a bricklayers wage and he is 55 this year I am 42. He gets funny when I want to discuss money

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 15:48

I just feel he may have a second bnk account in Spain where his brothers live. Everytime we argue he says he will stay there for a few months and last few times sai she will buy a flat. I said what with ?

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 22/04/2020 00:32

Then he probably does have money squirreled away somewhere. Time to go investigating!!

TheTeenageYears · 22/04/2020 00:44

If he takes home £170 after tax how on earth do you qualify for tax credits and child benefit or is he only working for a lot less than 5 days a week/47 weeks a year?

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 07:48

He is sellf employed it's £140 after tax etc and expenses. I don't work but if I do with a job I have been offered then it will balance out. I have tried investigating but nothing . No letters come as all online now. Yes we do qualify . All above board. If course he has some days and weeks no work . He has 12 grand left in inheritance

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 08:03

What are you getting out of this now?.

Going to marriage guidance with such an individual like your H was a complete waste of time. Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap and start firming up plans to divorce your abusive H. Like many such abusers as well he is not solely financially abusive either. Your children are also learning about relationships from you two and this is certainly not the model they should be learning from. Would you want them to live like you do as adults, no you would not. You should not either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 08:04

I would also look into employing the services of a forensic accountant to go through his accounts properly too; I have no doubt at all he is actively hiding money from you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 08:09

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Remember too that if you are being abused, your children are in turn being abused here too and will be affected. Do not at all worry or feel guilty about ending an abusive relationship because this was well and truly over the first time he did this to you all. He has caused this relationship to end by his actions.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?.