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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finances

184 replies

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 12:45

My husband and I why have been going to marriage guidance. In the last session we had before lockdown happened. He told us we had to be honest about our finances. because I don't work so I rely on tax credits and child benefit for 5 children. I don't get anything for the baby who is 2 next year because I had her after April 2017. I get no child maintenance for my older two from their dad either however I do get the tax credits for all four children but not my fifth. My husband is self-employed so it changes every year what we get. All he gives me is housekeep for food. He does pay the mortgage and all the bills etc. and I do a little bit of work from home but he doesn't really like me doing that because he says I need to concentrate on the house but I do juggle the both and I said he helped would have tidy house and more money coming in and and if I could do it it often then we would get more in tax credits also with my wage coming in but at the moment all I can do is sell on eBay. So I've had to put a stop to this also. The marriage guidance man said we need to sit down together to discuss finances because I said when I asked for money for the children's clothes and shoes etc it's like I'm asking for blood out of a stone.And most of the time I do by what the children need haircuts etc and things for the house. But it doesn't go too far because we do have five children that constantly do need things anyone who is apparently no the list is endless.I said if I could just have him not moan at me while I try and do a job from home that was offered to me.I said I just feel that we should have a joint account or something when we have put the money to share. I opened up a bank statement the other day which was addressed to me but I thought I opened my son's bank statement by accident and said oh no it's not for me.my husband took it straight out my hand and said why are you opening it if it's not for you. I said it is for me but they've missed printed and put for the parent of so I thought it wasn't for me. he then said why you open it if it's for me and I said no it's for me I said but obviously you don't want to see your bank statement. I walked off and he started being nice after that. he told me that he wants me to do his accounts at the end of the tax year instead of paying someone else to do it. So I said if I do the books then I need to get a book papers book as I'm not very good on using Excel spreadsheets.so every week on month you need to give me all your receipts and earnings etc.he said no I'll just give you my earnings at the end of the year and I told him that I need to keep on top of every month so that we don't end up owing money or they don't underpay US tax credits. So he's now got funny about this.
am I the only one to think it's unusual that my husband doesn't share anything financially with me and thinks because he pays the mortgage and bills and gives me£120 a week for a family of 7 that I should be ok?

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 22/04/2020 10:14

You’re not explaining yourself very well OP. You’re saying some payments in daily, others in weekly, then monthly and now a yearly salary?

Each month - what do you have coming in and what does he have? Just clearly lay it out.

Also if he’s self employed he may not be declaring everything. Paying all the household costs for 7 people on £20,000 ish a year as you’re saying sounds very unlikely, and if so maybe he doesn’t have any spare?

BuffaloCauliflower · 22/04/2020 10:15

You also said £170 a day after tax up thread and then you’re something else. Make it really clear

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:16

I didn't say it was financial abuse at all.
That's what I'm saying he won't discuss finances. Gets funny re bank statement.
Gets funny about me wanting to work from home high would be when kids in bed.
When I mentioned in past about having a money pot account together he bites my head off. Few times when we argue he says he wil buy a flat and if it does work out he will rent it out. Last time he said it I asked where money coming from for flat ?

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:18

Well be is sled employed so it's when work is there. Changes from year to year. Last tax year his take home was 20260.
Regardless o think he is hiding money he has had saved from before we met.
My cousin is going through a split because her husband had a secretq bank account. I told him this and he got funny. Something not right

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:19

My point is whatever he earns etc . I don't feel it's right he won't discuss money or what to save together etc.

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 22/04/2020 10:27

Your posts are confusing but based on (after tax) earnings of £20260, this means he has £1700 a month. OP lists costs of around £1100 on essential bills and there is also things like TV licence, phone costs, transport, insurances that presumably he also pays. There doesn't sound like there is a lot left after OP gets £120 a week. It's not financial abuse not to give someone money that you don't have! But OP should have a better idea of their finances and be able to understand whether her DH is saying "no" to money for children's clothes" because the money is not there, or because he's being tight.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:28

No the phone transport etc has already been taken off as expenses

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:30

It's the fact he won't discuss or want me to make more money. I spoke to tax credits and worked out we would be £100 better off a week. Doing a job from home that I enjoy.

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:31

I pay towards the food as said and use money for kids clothes hair clubs dinners etc . I sell a bit on eBay market place and do tarot readings to bring extra in . I do what I can

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:33

He is tight. He says no to things that need doing then gets a tattoo done. There is worse but something doesn't feel right I can't help how I feel

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 10:46

No it's not right, and actually what he earns is totally irrelevant.

He's the big boss man, makes all the decisions, "gives" you the minimum and doesn't want you having any financial independence, nor any information on the family finances.

And that is financial control.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:51

Thank you. I am glad you understand . I have been on here before be wise if his temper and some women were lovely, some telling me how it is and some just bitchy. I felt worse after.
Because if lockdown I can't do much now x

OP posts:
Carrotgirl87 · 22/04/2020 11:02

I'm a bit lost why this is being shouted as financial abuse by everyone... he's working and pays all bills on 40k a year which doesn't go far with a 700 a month mortgage, and OP gets 225 a week for herself and the kids with no bills to pay except optional ones I.e phone contracts? I don't see how much more he's getting out of this to be honest I think 225 a week in extras is more than most families with two working parents would dream of!

Maybe Iv misread, the majority certainly seems to think that it's wrong but I don't see it!

AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 11:03

Its actually quite shocking that this still goes on. He "gives" her housekeeping 1950 style, keeps the rest and hides the family finances.

AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 11:06

@Carrotgirl87

What don't you get about a wife being told the family finances are none of her business?

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:10

Carrot girl
It's the fact he says he doesn't have enough material Ney butt finds it when he needs it. Bites my head off re finances.
Doesn't want me working. All this after years of shit. I have bought a book keepers book to keep on top of things. First thing he said was " well if you work you better mark down what you earn". He knows I am generous. I said I want to see bank statement to keep on top as he has seen mine

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:11

Enough money I neant

OP posts:
showerdodger · 22/04/2020 11:16

So do you get £75 + £120 + £150 a week eg £345.

If he takes home 20k after tax thats £384 a week

showerdodger · 22/04/2020 11:17

but yes he should discuss finances with you & not prevent you from working

Carrotgirl87 · 22/04/2020 11:20

@AhNowTed but she knows his incomings and outgoings as she's shared them here so what is it that she doesn't know?

Carrotgirl87 · 22/04/2020 11:22

And to be honest if my partner asked to see my own personal bank statement I'd tell him to fuck off. We both contribute what we do, the bills are paid, and we have our own money, I don't need to give him access to my own private account.

Meckity1 · 22/04/2020 11:28

@Carrotgirl87 Would you stop your partner working?

Carrotgirl87 · 22/04/2020 11:31

Nope. And if he stopped me the conversation would go like this me: 'I'm working.' The end. What has he done to stop you working OP I'm sorry if I missed that part?

AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 11:34

@Carrotgirl87

There's a big difference between two people working and paying into the household, where they both have their own income and disposable money, and the OPs situation where she is a SAHM and being treated like the little woman.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 11:37

He is also not having to sell items on Ebay to make ends meet either. She is having to do that.