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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finances

184 replies

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 12:45

My husband and I why have been going to marriage guidance. In the last session we had before lockdown happened. He told us we had to be honest about our finances. because I don't work so I rely on tax credits and child benefit for 5 children. I don't get anything for the baby who is 2 next year because I had her after April 2017. I get no child maintenance for my older two from their dad either however I do get the tax credits for all four children but not my fifth. My husband is self-employed so it changes every year what we get. All he gives me is housekeep for food. He does pay the mortgage and all the bills etc. and I do a little bit of work from home but he doesn't really like me doing that because he says I need to concentrate on the house but I do juggle the both and I said he helped would have tidy house and more money coming in and and if I could do it it often then we would get more in tax credits also with my wage coming in but at the moment all I can do is sell on eBay. So I've had to put a stop to this also. The marriage guidance man said we need to sit down together to discuss finances because I said when I asked for money for the children's clothes and shoes etc it's like I'm asking for blood out of a stone.And most of the time I do by what the children need haircuts etc and things for the house. But it doesn't go too far because we do have five children that constantly do need things anyone who is apparently no the list is endless.I said if I could just have him not moan at me while I try and do a job from home that was offered to me.I said I just feel that we should have a joint account or something when we have put the money to share. I opened up a bank statement the other day which was addressed to me but I thought I opened my son's bank statement by accident and said oh no it's not for me.my husband took it straight out my hand and said why are you opening it if it's not for you. I said it is for me but they've missed printed and put for the parent of so I thought it wasn't for me. he then said why you open it if it's for me and I said no it's for me I said but obviously you don't want to see your bank statement. I walked off and he started being nice after that. he told me that he wants me to do his accounts at the end of the tax year instead of paying someone else to do it. So I said if I do the books then I need to get a book papers book as I'm not very good on using Excel spreadsheets.so every week on month you need to give me all your receipts and earnings etc.he said no I'll just give you my earnings at the end of the year and I told him that I need to keep on top of every month so that we don't end up owing money or they don't underpay US tax credits. So he's now got funny about this.
am I the only one to think it's unusual that my husband doesn't share anything financially with me and thinks because he pays the mortgage and bills and gives me£120 a week for a family of 7 that I should be ok?

OP posts:
showerdodger · 22/04/2020 08:16

so do you get £120 a week plus tax credits & child benefit? What's the total?

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 08:24

Thank is he thought the counselor would not see through him. I am so glad it was a man around his age . He said he noticed he clenched his fists and that was he looking for a mother to marry. Asked if he was brought up in a house where the man had full control .
How much is a forensic accountant ?

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 08:27

My total this year will be £150 because we owe money as they over paid £50 per week so will deduct that every week plus £75! child benefit. That will cover mine and my older to mobile phone and my diesel. I also have to take money out of that to top up the weekly shop. Obviously I usually pay more out but at the moment the kids are not at school or doing anything because the virus but usually other things have to come out of that as in school dinners pocket money haircuts clothes days out . List goes on

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 08:28

The 120 covers food. I have to top up milk bread etc after few days and more. Essentials etc nappies ...

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 08:29

I get nothing for my teenagers re child maintenance from their dad

OP posts:
showerdodger · 22/04/2020 08:31

Sorry it's a bit confusing, what do you have totally a week including the month from DH & all benefits?

Do you not qualify for any free school meals? or free childcare?

showerdodger · 22/04/2020 08:31

money not month

OllyBJolly · 22/04/2020 08:44

Your counsellor doesn't sound very professional.

Why don't you get maintenance from the father of your older children? Does your DH resent paying for them?

I find on these threads posters are very quick to call financial abuse when they don't have all the facts. There isn't a lot of income here to cover 7 people. (I have no idea what tax credits and child maintenance are worth these days). The DH is covering all the bills. There probably isn't a lot left after that. He has an unreliable income (it's not as easy as multiplying a day rate when you don't know how many days are billable and what non chargeable costs are). If I was in his shoes I'd be stressed out my head worrying about paying the bills regularly.

You need to have an open and honest conversation about how you manage the money. You need to quantify what is essential spending and what isn't. Maybe you can't afford mobile phones, two cars etc etc. Maybe he's a saver (for the family) and you're not. Maybe he has no idea at all how much food costs. There just isn't enough info here to make a judgement.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 08:47

You have basically very little here; he is keeping you and your children in penury deliberately. Such men like this do not share or like to share. He makes you fully accountable for every penny you spend.

Your ex (was he abusive too?) should be paying maintenance for his children.

Solicitor may be able to advise re such an accountant but I would seek legal advice first and foremost re your current circumstances. This relationship now is well and truly over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to not just you but in turn your kids too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 08:49

There are more than enough facts here in OPs initial post to call what is happening in this relationship financial abuse. Many others have cited the same. Like all types of abuse too, it is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares.

showerdodger · 22/04/2020 09:02

We need to know how much the DH earns & all the benefits the OP gets. I'm not saying the DH is not abusive but I'm confused why a forensic accountant would be needed? He doesn't appear to earn enough to be hiding money.

The op gets weekly £120 from DH, £84 child benefit & she's not said how much in tax credits.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 09:25

Forensic accountants are for crime?

OP posts:
showerdodger · 22/04/2020 09:33

Do you know what your husband earns a week?

showerdodger · 22/04/2020 09:34

Do you know how much the bills & mortgage are?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 09:36

Coercive control is a criminal offense.

They do not just focus on criminal activity and this should not be your main focus just now in any event. Focus instead on getting further legal advice for yourself.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 09:58

Mortgage 700
Water 60
Gas and electric 150
We have a 6 bed house and 4 bathrooms so expensive to run
Then you council tax is over £2 grand a year
His mobile diesel etc

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 09:59

So it is alot he has to pay but won't share with me what's what and now shitting himself about my name on house. He messed up by saying to marriage guidance " I won't use it as a tool against her anymore. " So he more or less admitted it

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:00

No £75 child Ben
£150 tax credits

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:03

My ex laid in bed while I worked through both pregnancies. When our son was a toddler I had to get him ready before work the mybex would get up just before I left. He owned his house out right and would not out my. Name on house. He asked me to marry him and got me a lovely ring etc. Cried on one knee. When I went to book wedding he said he wanted me to sign a pre nup. He had a bad accident when he was 16 and got a huge payout and bought 3 properties. He now lives with someone and they have a daughter. She works in city and he doesn't work . Yes I do pick them but older now and realising

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 22/04/2020 10:05

He earns c£60k?

I don’t understand how you can claim tax credits on that salary even with 5 children.

Unless I’ve misread?

Regardless, he is financially abusive. Your mortgage is tiny. He must be hiding money or gambling or squirreling it away.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:07

He doesn't earn 60k at all. His last earnings was 40 then after tax no expenses etc it was 20260. You have misread or missed a post. Some years I get good tax credits other years not much at all. He has some weeks or days without work. He is a self employed Brickie

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:09

He Def doesn't gamble. Too tight and never goes out. Only us for meals etc. Now and then he goes to gym. Always saying how fit he is because he is muscly. Said he was probably fitter than me even if they am 12 years younger

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 22/04/2020 10:11

£170 per day works out to roughly £60k. But I imagine as he’s self employed he doesn’t declare it’s all as profit even if it is.

The bottom line is with a household income that high and a mortgage that low you should be living the life of Riley.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:12

No we don't get free school meals as get work tax credits

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 10:13

£140 a day after tax etc and some weeks no work. It's all on the books legit etc

OP posts: