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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finances

184 replies

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 12:45

My husband and I why have been going to marriage guidance. In the last session we had before lockdown happened. He told us we had to be honest about our finances. because I don't work so I rely on tax credits and child benefit for 5 children. I don't get anything for the baby who is 2 next year because I had her after April 2017. I get no child maintenance for my older two from their dad either however I do get the tax credits for all four children but not my fifth. My husband is self-employed so it changes every year what we get. All he gives me is housekeep for food. He does pay the mortgage and all the bills etc. and I do a little bit of work from home but he doesn't really like me doing that because he says I need to concentrate on the house but I do juggle the both and I said he helped would have tidy house and more money coming in and and if I could do it it often then we would get more in tax credits also with my wage coming in but at the moment all I can do is sell on eBay. So I've had to put a stop to this also. The marriage guidance man said we need to sit down together to discuss finances because I said when I asked for money for the children's clothes and shoes etc it's like I'm asking for blood out of a stone.And most of the time I do by what the children need haircuts etc and things for the house. But it doesn't go too far because we do have five children that constantly do need things anyone who is apparently no the list is endless.I said if I could just have him not moan at me while I try and do a job from home that was offered to me.I said I just feel that we should have a joint account or something when we have put the money to share. I opened up a bank statement the other day which was addressed to me but I thought I opened my son's bank statement by accident and said oh no it's not for me.my husband took it straight out my hand and said why are you opening it if it's not for you. I said it is for me but they've missed printed and put for the parent of so I thought it wasn't for me. he then said why you open it if it's for me and I said no it's for me I said but obviously you don't want to see your bank statement. I walked off and he started being nice after that. he told me that he wants me to do his accounts at the end of the tax year instead of paying someone else to do it. So I said if I do the books then I need to get a book papers book as I'm not very good on using Excel spreadsheets.so every week on month you need to give me all your receipts and earnings etc.he said no I'll just give you my earnings at the end of the year and I told him that I need to keep on top of every month so that we don't end up owing money or they don't underpay US tax credits. So he's now got funny about this.
am I the only one to think it's unusual that my husband doesn't share anything financially with me and thinks because he pays the mortgage and bills and gives me£120 a week for a family of 7 that I should be ok?

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 02/05/2020 11:45

Have you brought it up again? Like I mentioned before, is it a deal-breaker? Would you be open to going it alone? What would you be entitled to? Think of your pension. You need to work your 25 years. If he's hiding money, maybe he's planning to leave you? How confident are you that he would look after your in your old age? If he's not supporting you working, you'll be more reliant on him. So it would fall of your scarificed your pension spring him by looking after the household and children only for him to disappear with 'his' saved (hidden) money.
Ignore the people asking about how much you get per week. That's irrelevant here. The meeting point is that fact he had hidden bank accounts with sausages money which he refuses to share our reveal details of to you - his wife!!!!!

Novemberrain77 · 02/05/2020 12:52

Hi. I don't have pension I have cash ISA. My mum keeps telling me not to worry as when she goes I will get her 2 properties but I hate it when she says that. He has his that money even through the good times and when I was carrying my fifth baby. I felt sick to be honest. it is the way he spoke to me to try and dodge it. Calling me fucking nosey and that I was ruining our marriage but I asking so many questions. I have life insurance I pay into for kids. My brother has put one of his properties in his will as he has no kids so wants them to have that. Bless my mum and brother they know I worry about kids but I do put money by for them and of course they will get house. Myself though ,no pension ...no

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 02/05/2020 12:52

Thank you yes it is irrelevant thank you for being supportive. He is ok tax credits are clothing kids

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 02/05/2020 12:53

I am entitled to about 70% the solicitor told me if we were to sell but if we wait until my youngest 18 we get half. Yes he was holding on to money to buy a place just incase we split x

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 03/05/2020 00:05

In the unfortunate event of you inheriting, he might be entitled to a portion? That might be something worth bringing up if you speak to a solicitor again....
The cash ISA and life insurance sounds positive.
The fact your family are aware of your concerns and are actively working to give you buffer are not as positive.
He's financially abusive to hide family money. By not treating you well, he's abusive to his kids as they're not getting the best version of you to look after them. His actions mean your energy is diverted to worrying and calculating for survival constantly.
It's the old adage, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids!
What that means is a tough one. Maybe try the counseling but continue to make plans to leave. Mention nothing to him as the abuse might ramp up.
His reaction was horrible. Designed to push your buttons. Well done for setting it for what it is!

Novemberrain77 · 03/05/2020 07:36

Thank you for being so understanding . He won't talk to me to sort things. I woke up to a text . He is down stairs. Saying he bought a Chinese and cleared . As if that makes it ok. All he is saying is about how I will financially ruin him and take kids inheritance away. I said you use money for flat then it's sat there

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 12/05/2020 00:17

How are things now OP?

Novemberrain77 · 12/05/2020 00:42

Hi. He still refusing to see the upset he has caused. We argued Saturday and he had a go at me for crying. So I through laundry at him and clipped his shoulder. He said I assaulted him and was calling police. Ridiculous. This man trains at the gym. He is muscly with shaved head. You get the picture . Wants to get me done for assault from laundry. Luckily only my teenagers heard which is bad enough. He then said he was recording me. Which was strange as he said why you keep bringing up past. So I i went through the list of what he has put me through and he recorded it on his phone. Odd. I wondered if he has been on steroids for years. But I will never know

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 12/05/2020 08:15

No, if he admits to it, he'll have to take responsibility for it. Unlikely to happen.
Total lack of empathy for your crying when you sound stressed. Again, to deal with it without involve seeing his part in it. Doesn't mesh well with the buttons of himself he has in his head!
The tactic of turning it around and making it seem like you're the abusive one is seemingly a routine one for abusive men.
That's bad that your DC are hearing all this happen.
I would ask for a copy of the recording. That is odd. A power thing perhaps?
This situation doesn't sound healthy for you.
Steroids? Maybe.... Or are you looking for excuses for his behaviour? Could it not just be that he likes an easy life with someone retuning around doing all the grunt work and raising the children? Why bother to change .....
Means you'll have to make the difficult decisions.....

Novemberrain77 · 12/05/2020 10:18

Yes he is happy to plod because the house . He keeps moaning about the cost of him moving out . He has 80grand and more and a well paid job. Selfish

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 25/05/2020 23:44

He has 80 grand. That is outrageous.

AllsortsofAwkward · 26/05/2020 00:00

Pretty sure having 80k inheritance would affect your right to claim tax credits op.

SharonasCorona · 26/05/2020 00:46

How are you @Novemberrain77? Flowers

Novemberrain77 · 26/05/2020 06:12

No it's his life savings.inheritabce was all legit and was we was entitled and seperate money. I hardley get any tax credits this year and his wage is high this year .
Yes alot of money that he didn't tell his wife about while she was pushing babies out cooking and cleaning. I am more hurt that he called me nosey a schemer ruining marriage because I cottoned on before hand. He only told me because I said well if we divorce they will find it. He said was for a flat if we split up because we argue often. Now he is saying it's retirement money for both of us and other day said he was going to out it towards house if we move?!?

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 26/05/2020 17:10

Time to see a solicitor @Novemberrain77. Get as much proof as you can.

Are you in London? I can recommend one.

Novemberrain77 · 26/05/2020 17:21

No Essex but my brother is getting me a good one and paying . Thank god my brother has alot of money and offered if needed. Thank you z

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 26/05/2020 19:08

Great @Novemberrain77 keep strong 🌺

Justtryingtobehelpful · 26/05/2020 19:09

Yeah, the ducking and diving means he's most likely lying. Good luck with the solicitor. Better alone than with a liar! ❤️

excitedemmi · 26/05/2020 20:24

Bills, things for the kids, grocery shopping even should come out of a joint account and not some "allowance" for yourself. Household expenses are not "yours", they are joint. Sure, you can both agree a budget so you're not spending money you don't have as a family, but this isn't an expense of yours....

excitedemmi · 26/05/2020 20:35

To clarify my last post - this should all be shared money. All of the stuff for the house and the bills and the kids should come out of a shared pot, and for some reason if you still want to split whatever is left each month, then 50:50 you should split it between you. Finances are for the whole family, despite what either of you are earning.

Novemberrain77 · 26/05/2020 21:46

How can I split finances when I have nothing lol. He has that and more. He bought the house before we married. We chose house together but he bought it. Solicitor says I will get half or 70 percent of sold now but not sure if that stands still if he bought months before we married.

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 26/05/2020 21:47

No he doesn't want a joint bank account never has .

OP posts:
excitedemmi · 27/05/2020 08:56

Hi November. I can think of 3 ways to split finances when you have "nothing"...
1/ He puts everything in to a joint account which pays for everything household etc. incl. children and anything you earn is your own (my PIL do this)
2/ You both put everything in to a joint account with nothing separate (my parents do this)
3/ You put in a percentage of your earnings in to the joint account to cover everything that is joint (me and DH do this) and anything left is your own

HOWEVER, none of this matters if the real problem is he is trying to control you, hiding things from you, and not trying to work together with you as a partner. He sounds awful; I'm sorry. I would be doing my own forensic accounting work while he was at work to find out what he's hiding! He must keep his bank statements somewhere etc. Just to know what you're dealing with here! xxx

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 27/05/2020 21:22

Please leave him op, hes a horrible man and is being financially abusive and life is too short to be financially controlled.

See solicitor, take him to court and if u can get evidence of his secret savings and take him for everything hes got and has no intention of sharing.
You'll get child maintenance of him also and a life in what you wont have to worry about money as you will be in control x

Novemberrain77 · 27/05/2020 22:10

Yes excitedemmi. He is controlling and when I look back now I feel the signs were there:(. He isn't controlling in a way where I can't go out etc not that I do much but in other ways and all about money. I can't believe he had all that money say there all this time and I didn't know:(

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