Finances

[Novemberrain77]

My husband and I why have been going to marriage guidance. In the last session we had before lockdown happened. He told us we had to be honest about our finances. because I don't work so I rely on tax credits and child benefit for 5 children. I don't get anything for the baby who is 2 next year because I had her after April 2017. I get no child maintenance for my older two from their dad either however I do get the tax credits for all four children but not my fifth. My husband is self-employed so it changes every year what we get. All he gives me is housekeep for food. He does pay the mortgage and all the bills etc. and I do a little bit of work from home but he doesn't really like me doing that because he says I need to concentrate on the house but I do juggle the both and I said he helped would have tidy house and more money coming in and and if I could do it it often then we would get more in tax credits also with my wage coming in but at the moment all I can do is sell on eBay. So I've had to put a stop to this also. The marriage guidance man said we need to sit down together to discuss finances because I said when I asked for money for the children's clothes and shoes etc it's like I'm asking for blood out of a stone.And most of the time I do by what the children need haircuts etc and things for the house. But it doesn't go too far because we do have five children that constantly do need things anyone who is apparently no the list is endless.I said if I could just have him not moan at me while I try and do a job from home that was offered to me.I said I just feel that we should have a joint account or something when we have put the money to share. I opened up a bank statement the other day which was addressed to me but I thought I opened my son's bank statement by accident and said oh no it's not for me.my husband took it straight out my hand and said why are you opening it if it's not for you. I said it is for me but they've missed printed and put for the parent of so I thought it wasn't for me. he then said why you open it if it's for me and I said no it's for me I said but obviously you don't want to see your bank statement. I walked off and he started being nice after that. he told me that he wants me to do his accounts at the end of the tax year instead of paying someone else to do it. So I said if I do the books then I need to get a book papers book as I'm not very good on using Excel spreadsheets.so every week on month you need to give me all your receipts and earnings etc.he said no I'll just give you my earnings at the end of the year and I told him that I need to keep on top of every month so that we don't end up owing money or they don't underpay US tax credits. So he's now got funny about this.
am I the only one to think it's unusual that my husband doesn't share anything financially with me and thinks because he pays the mortgage and bills and gives me£120 a week for a family of 7 that I should be ok?

No his bank statement all digital. I have looked and looked. He showed me his bank statement bon phone as I insisted but I didn't go back over a year as he was hovering . We were urged to go through finances by marriage guidance and I insisted and he covered his savings with thumb and refused for days to tell me. Said all different excuses . I felt sick because when he wouldn't tell me he said I was fucking nosey ruining the marriage and a schemer

Thank you purplepinkneonunicorns. Yeah it's awful but there is worse. It is bad he hid that money. He said he will get a flat with it and rent it out and put some of it into a joint bank account. I said too little too late. I know he isn't doing it for me. For years I have said I want a joint bank account and he says no. Now he is close to losing it all he says he will but he won't do it I am sure

I am also in a marriage where finances are completely separate and I hate it, it is a type of financial abuse. I have been a stay at home mum for 7 years to 3 young children, my husband working full time. He pays a set amount each month into the joint account to cover household bills and then £400 a month to cover all food for 5 people, and household items like toiketries/washing powder etc. Whatever is left over from his wages stays in his account. I get a small amount of tax credits and child benefit which I have to use to pay for the kids clothes, uniforms, after school clubs, school lunches, school trips, hair cuts, birthday presents, parties, trips out during holidays, party for me credit card, petrol, phone bill etc... I have got further in to debt trying to pay for things rather than ask him for help as I can't bare the questions and complaing about why I spend so much and that I don't appreciate the value of money. He even threatened to leave me one time because I had spent more than he would have on their school uniforms.

You don't have to continue like this. Counselling is never recommended when there is any type of abuse. I would suggest speaking to a solicitor for advice about divirce/separation instead.

Yup. I’m in a similar place, too @NeedSleepNow and @Novemberrain77.

It’s ‘cost’ me £11k out of my post work savings to top up my monthly allowance as he made it so difficult to ask for money. I’m now down to £350 after 20 years of not working. He put down so many reasons why I couldn’t get a job. I ran up a small debit of £40 interest on my MasterCard account, and was told I was ‘shit’ with money. Despite running the house for 24 years on a budget.

I have the full backing of my family to get out. And I would be gone by now if it wasn’t for lockdown.

I think you both should do the same. If you’re married, you should get a minimum of 50% of the marital assets. Be they in a bank account or a flat in Spain. It all goes into the pot, and gets split. But with 5 kids, you’ll get more.

Hi needsleepnow.yes my husband for a long time was giving me £100 a week to cover old food and I said please can I have an extra £20 because of the babies milk and nappies.he said if I do a 6-day week then I'll give you an extra £20 so but £20 not anything if you can afford to buy my beers.does not give me the extra £20 but I have to top that up every week for example yesterday I topped up the shopping and spent £60 and I take that out of the tax credits.my mum was so shocked when she found out he only gave me £120 to feed family of 7 and of course that's before all the essentials etc. I know how you feel: (

I can't believe he was going to leave you because of what you spent on his own childrens uniform that is shocking.if I ever moan about money on my husband says is that he pays the bills in the mortgage and lots of women would be be happy to be in my position but he's not even nice to me.of course he can be nice otherwise I won't be with him this long and have three little girls with him. But I have found text message where has he has called me"the cunt"

Byebyemissamericanpie. Sorry I don't know how to tag people with their names on this thing.yes I had over £1,000 on the next catalogue because I was just by and all the children's clothes off there so I could pay it off monthly because like you if I ask for anything he would say do they really need it etc.but the interest got too much so in the end I turned to my mum and she paid it off for me me.and I pay her back £20 a week but she has said to me she doesn't want the money back but I hate taking money from people even my own mum.we went to Primark because he said he would get the girls clothes because I said to them to ask him because I thought they've got more chance getting something if they ask himself. And when we got to the counter he said to me are we going half then.I said no all I ever do is by the kids are clothes I said now it's your turn.a little did I know that you had all that money sitting there and he was asking me to go halves his own wife it doesn't work

I think we all know IT'S NOT RIGHT!

Its a question of where we go from here...

My Mum has been an absolute star, too. I only told her about a year ago. She had no idea.

No it's not right. He said if he does tomorrow I will be a rich lady and house paid for. I said but if you don't die for another 40 odd years I would have never known unless you left me of course before and you would use it and solicitors would tell me. He said the main thing is I told you. I said but you didn't offer the information you went mad at. I had to grill you for days. Not the same is it