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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finances

184 replies

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 12:45

My husband and I why have been going to marriage guidance. In the last session we had before lockdown happened. He told us we had to be honest about our finances. because I don't work so I rely on tax credits and child benefit for 5 children. I don't get anything for the baby who is 2 next year because I had her after April 2017. I get no child maintenance for my older two from their dad either however I do get the tax credits for all four children but not my fifth. My husband is self-employed so it changes every year what we get. All he gives me is housekeep for food. He does pay the mortgage and all the bills etc. and I do a little bit of work from home but he doesn't really like me doing that because he says I need to concentrate on the house but I do juggle the both and I said he helped would have tidy house and more money coming in and and if I could do it it often then we would get more in tax credits also with my wage coming in but at the moment all I can do is sell on eBay. So I've had to put a stop to this also. The marriage guidance man said we need to sit down together to discuss finances because I said when I asked for money for the children's clothes and shoes etc it's like I'm asking for blood out of a stone.And most of the time I do by what the children need haircuts etc and things for the house. But it doesn't go too far because we do have five children that constantly do need things anyone who is apparently no the list is endless.I said if I could just have him not moan at me while I try and do a job from home that was offered to me.I said I just feel that we should have a joint account or something when we have put the money to share. I opened up a bank statement the other day which was addressed to me but I thought I opened my son's bank statement by accident and said oh no it's not for me.my husband took it straight out my hand and said why are you opening it if it's not for you. I said it is for me but they've missed printed and put for the parent of so I thought it wasn't for me. he then said why you open it if it's for me and I said no it's for me I said but obviously you don't want to see your bank statement. I walked off and he started being nice after that. he told me that he wants me to do his accounts at the end of the tax year instead of paying someone else to do it. So I said if I do the books then I need to get a book papers book as I'm not very good on using Excel spreadsheets.so every week on month you need to give me all your receipts and earnings etc.he said no I'll just give you my earnings at the end of the year and I told him that I need to keep on top of every month so that we don't end up owing money or they don't underpay US tax credits. So he's now got funny about this.
am I the only one to think it's unusual that my husband doesn't share anything financially with me and thinks because he pays the mortgage and bills and gives me£120 a week for a family of 7 that I should be ok?

OP posts:
Carrotgirl87 · 22/04/2020 11:38

@AhNowTed agreed. But with 5 kids that's a choice they made isn't it. To have 225 a week in benefits and 120 in housekeeping is a significant amount for someone to live on. I'm surprised that people are so outraged at 'only having 345 a week disposible income Shock' brigade. But that's just me clearly.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:42

Oh my god it's not about that. It's about the secrets. It's tax credits btw. This tax test will be over £200 not 345???? He wanted a fifth I said can we afford it. He said yes. His mum died , I fell pregnant and we came into money and got house made bigger. 5 kids is expensive abd yes a choice we made . I have said I would work and he doesn't want me too.

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:44

I have told him I feel like a prisoner and If I can't work going something I enjoy for good money from home then he has to stop going to the gym. Something he enjoys that he dues after work and gets in every night after 7 when dinner done kids bathed etc. He eats showers and goes to bed.
He said ok it's not that bad you do what you want

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 11:45

@Carrotgirl87

She may have signed up to being a SAHM, but she clearly didn't sign up to having no access to what he considers "his" money, and has to ask. Like a child.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:46

He is Greek Cypriot and I have been told it's common for them to be like this plus he is 54 years old but looks alot yonger becaise of working out etc but has made digs about my weight in past . I'm a size 8-10. I feel he is jelous of me being younger. Daft I know

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 11:49

I'm not sure about jealous OP but he is certainly keeping you on a tight leash. Controlling you for god knows what reason. I 100% would not stand for it. That's not a partnership and nor is it love.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:51

Well he makes digs at me but mentions how muscly he is so I guessed jelous

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 11:53

Digs to keep you in your place. Wouldn't want you getting ideas above your station. Or independence. Or a job.

Carrotgirl87 · 22/04/2020 11:56

@AhNowTed she doesn't have to ask she gets money of her own every week! Jesus she's not asking for a pound to get bread to feed the kids is she, she gets more than most people do in a week and should quite easily be able to manage without asking for more, especially as he covers ALL of he outgoings.

She can work if she puts her foot down and she has access to her own money, Iv read a lot lot worse on here than this.

Anyway il bow out, can't argue with people who only see one side and won't even try to look at a bigger picture.

Yeah he's abusive OP, what a twat, how dare he pay all the bills and give you money every week on top of benefits, when your kids dad don't even pay for them, what an arsehole.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:57

Yes I think so.peiple say he is lucky to have me but he never says it . I am slim and what others say attractive. I don't like bigging myself up. I would say a good wife and mum but I get no thanks for it .I was spring cleaning lounge other day and he came down as was laying on bed with baby and said it's a Sunday dinner should be ready . You can do that any day. Because he had been digging up garden he feels that's his lot. So I said it had to be done and dinner won't take long. I did the dinner too

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 11:59

Did I say I ask for money every week lol? I said I top it up and if kids needs etc and I need money he rolls his eyes and goes on. All 5 needed new jackets and school shoes within 2 weeks of eachother after I paid tax ins etc on car and his knows what else . It's that he moans but thinks nothing of getting tattoos done and buying shitnat the boot sale

OP posts:
showerdodger · 22/04/2020 11:59

This tax test will be over £200 not 345????

what's a tax test?

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 12:03

Carrot girl your not seeing it . Are you it's that he won't share finances with mine . I said if I work I can help .
Plus how he has been with me in past doesn't help. Saying he doesn't fancy me, smashing hole through door, smashing kitchen up, when I miscarried it annoyed him . Refuses to have the snip but ok about me getting sterilised, doesn't like wearing condoms, said I have got bigger. Moaned when I had hernia op because he could have been at the gym. Do much more.
But marriage guidance said for marriage to work I have to move on from that and start again. Which I try to do

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 12:05

Tax credits £150 this year
And £75 child Ben
I use that top up shopping. Fruit milk bread etc list goes on nappies. All Aldi beavers Iceland. I shop around to keep it low. Then phone bills life ins diesel I have to use it for.school dinners I do lunches most days. Pocket money for teenagers as they go out of course. Then essentials I use money for and of course when they needs hair done partiy gifts birthdays etc I'm sure I left stuff out

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/04/2020 12:06

OP no she's not seeing it. You are not being treated as an equal in this marriage.

Do you see your friends, family, socialise without him?

Carrotgirl87 · 22/04/2020 12:08

With all due respect, you have MUCH bigger issues than finances.

I disagree wholeheartedly with your financial issues as I feel everyone should be entitled to some of their own money to do with what they want as long as they contribute fairly and shouldn't have to disclose every purchase to their partner, I find that controlling.

BUT, smashing things, shouting etc IS abuse, and you should leave for those things, for the sake of you and your children. So yes, LTB. Daffodil

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 12:09

Savers not beavers

OP posts:
showerdodger · 22/04/2020 12:10

so you do get £345 a week incl the 120 from DH.

It's so convoluted.

I agree finances are just one of your issues.

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 12:10

Yes he is ok about me going out. I didn't much but as younger ones got older and I have made new friends he never says I look nice when ready to go out but probably just a man thing. He never ever calls me darling anything never said I love you only in a card says love from

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 12:12

There are none as blind as those who will not see.

Controlling men often try and sabotage their partners attempts to work and I note here that this man wants op now to book keep for him therefore further keeping her on a leash.

November - would you want your children as adults to live like you do, no you would not. You should have better for your own self too. Sadly I feel you went from one previously abusive relationship straight into another one, albeit of a different type, but abusive all the same

Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 12:17

Well I am as on my own for about 4 years so wasn't straight in.
No I would not want it. Things were getting better because of marriage guidance then last session he was clenching fists and denying stuff. But the counselir knew.
Said you get defensive and do you think you have anger issues. He said doesn't matter what others think . It's your wife and children they see it . Not others
I feel the next outburst from him I can break it off but he hasn't gone mental for several weeks. Although he had a go other day but that was just one of those things

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 22/04/2020 20:29

Well I found out he has hidden money from me tonight. Loads in savings and won't tell me or show me. Covered it with his thumb and said it's his brothers money . I said show me the transfer then from his bank to your and he refuses

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 22/04/2020 23:51

Absolute fecker!! How dare he keep money from the family! What he earns is facilitated by you staying at home. Big changes are ahead for you!! So sorry.....

Novemberrain77 · 23/04/2020 00:00

Marriage guidance man on our last session before lockdown happened. Said we must sit down and discuss money as we don't. He bites my head off. He got funny that unopened his letter from bank by accident we have same bank .I said why you keep getting funny . I said let's discuss money later. I showed him my bank account and I tell him what I have a test . He said he would screen shot his and send. I said you can't screen shot bank page. He showed me for one second and covered the cash ISA with his thumb. I said why are you covering it. He said "because I don't want you to know the amount" I said show me. He said " no I don't want you to know"

OP posts:
Shineonyou · 23/04/2020 00:03

I’m so sorry OP. He sounds absolutely disgusting. You know this. I hope you find a way out.