Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finances

184 replies

Novemberrain77 · 21/04/2020 12:45

My husband and I why have been going to marriage guidance. In the last session we had before lockdown happened. He told us we had to be honest about our finances. because I don't work so I rely on tax credits and child benefit for 5 children. I don't get anything for the baby who is 2 next year because I had her after April 2017. I get no child maintenance for my older two from their dad either however I do get the tax credits for all four children but not my fifth. My husband is self-employed so it changes every year what we get. All he gives me is housekeep for food. He does pay the mortgage and all the bills etc. and I do a little bit of work from home but he doesn't really like me doing that because he says I need to concentrate on the house but I do juggle the both and I said he helped would have tidy house and more money coming in and and if I could do it it often then we would get more in tax credits also with my wage coming in but at the moment all I can do is sell on eBay. So I've had to put a stop to this also. The marriage guidance man said we need to sit down together to discuss finances because I said when I asked for money for the children's clothes and shoes etc it's like I'm asking for blood out of a stone.And most of the time I do by what the children need haircuts etc and things for the house. But it doesn't go too far because we do have five children that constantly do need things anyone who is apparently no the list is endless.I said if I could just have him not moan at me while I try and do a job from home that was offered to me.I said I just feel that we should have a joint account or something when we have put the money to share. I opened up a bank statement the other day which was addressed to me but I thought I opened my son's bank statement by accident and said oh no it's not for me.my husband took it straight out my hand and said why are you opening it if it's not for you. I said it is for me but they've missed printed and put for the parent of so I thought it wasn't for me. he then said why you open it if it's for me and I said no it's for me I said but obviously you don't want to see your bank statement. I walked off and he started being nice after that. he told me that he wants me to do his accounts at the end of the tax year instead of paying someone else to do it. So I said if I do the books then I need to get a book papers book as I'm not very good on using Excel spreadsheets.so every week on month you need to give me all your receipts and earnings etc.he said no I'll just give you my earnings at the end of the year and I told him that I need to keep on top of every month so that we don't end up owing money or they don't underpay US tax credits. So he's now got funny about this.
am I the only one to think it's unusual that my husband doesn't share anything financially with me and thinks because he pays the mortgage and bills and gives me£120 a week for a family of 7 that I should be ok?

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 23/04/2020 00:04

And he won't show me proof that his brother sent it. I said do you have any other accounts . He said no. Later he was playing a game on phone and what looked like a notification says Barclays paid. I said " do you have account with Barclays too" he said " yeah you know I do. " It has hardley anything in it.
I said " I don't remember. You told me earlier you have no other accounts. Why did you get a notification from Barclays. Did you move money earlier ? He said " no that was an advert that popped up"
He shouted at me saying " because you are nosey you are ruining the relationship"

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 23/04/2020 00:04

Thanks shineonyou

OP posts:
Shineonyou · 23/04/2020 00:05

Are you able to get financial advice without him knowing OP?

I would call women’s aid - google them. They help women leave abusive men safely.

Novemberrain77 · 23/04/2020 00:07

Well he says not like I'm out on street. Lol. He does pay bills mortgage etc . It's the lying. Saying me being nosey ruining relationship.

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 23/04/2020 22:59

I bet he's opened secret accounts in the kids names and has been stashing money there as well.

I don't know why you want to be with him.
He sounds vile!

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/04/2020 23:01

i'd do a free credit check on my own name just to be sure he hasn't opened accounts in my name too....you can also credit check him and see what accounts he has....

Novemberrain77 · 23/04/2020 23:26

No I have their passports but saying that last year after he said he didn't fancy me because lack of sex he kept asking for their passports to open up and account. I said why you never done this before but I get it was to hide money looking back

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 23/04/2020 23:27

How do I credit check. I have already downloaded and paid for land registry etc and nothing dodgy

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 23/04/2020 23:27

He came home from work and didn't say one word to me. Like I'm in th wrong lol

OP posts:
Stronger76 · 24/04/2020 00:16

Why no maintenance for the 2 eldest OP?

Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 00:29

He doesn't work. Child maintenance have been investigating him for years. His partner works. He gets a job then jacks it in.i only recently started getting £29 for the 2 children per month . They take that from his benefits. Prob disability benefits. They gave a house with mortgage always soenind money on it. He has a BMW , work van but doesn't work and a classic BMW but his skint apparently. Kids see him every other week. My son there now for a week but my daughter losing interest. Anyway they are 13 and 15 . We split in 2008 and still no child maintenance

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 24/04/2020 03:06

I don't know a huge amount about the benefit system but would be worried you could be accused of committing benefit fraud if he has money which is not being disclosed. I'm fairly sure all income and savings within a household are considered including all funds held in the children's name. I'm not sure how you are going to be able to get to the truth but it really is in your own interests to do everything you can to find out.

Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 05:31

We are not on benefits. And nothing in children's savings. There are no funds in kids names. We are not on benefits. Savings is separate to everything. . He knows if we split they will look into his account and I feel that's what worries him most

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 24/04/2020 07:42

We are not on benefits

Didn't you say you were in receipt of tax credits and child benefit?

Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 08:01

I can't afford a forensic accountant. It's thousands. He Def has secret account with his brothers who live in Spain.
I can't do much while lockdown is on can I?
Yes it's not right that he hasn't shown me. Some husband's to keep their savings from their wife maybe perhaps because they don't want them to ask to spend it for a new kitchen eccetera they want it for retirement but why can't he just let me know that what we've got he doesn't want to touched. Whatever the reason it doesn't feel right. marriage guidance man told us to do more things together and to compromise we've done everything that he said. although I have always done everything right and the guidance man ask him what his problem was with me and he couldn't really bring anything up. and when it comes to finances all of a sudden my husband doesn't want to do things to make it better or go back to marriage guidance so my instincts tell me it's wrong

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 08:04

Yes I am in receipt of tax credits

OP posts:
Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 08:05

Tax credits and child benefits are separate from savings you can check for yourself if you have savings it doesn't affect your tax credit or child benefits. Those amounts of based on your earnings not your savings.

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 24/04/2020 09:51

Income from savings is taken into account for Tax Credits purposes though ...

adelaya · 24/04/2020 09:55

Only interest from savings is taken into account. You can have tens of thousands in savings and still claim tax credits which is why the limit if 16000 was brought in for uc @redskyatnight

Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 10:17

Regardless of tax credits etc. The point is he has lied and telling me "i have few secrets that are no concern of yours"

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 24/04/2020 21:00

This is bonkers. The money is family money not his only. You contribute to family life too. Is it a deal breaker for you? This is financial abuse.

Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 22:00

Feels like axdeal breaker.he has not spoken to me since. Silent treatment

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 24/04/2020 23:46

He's punishing you for having audacity to step out of line. Going your feel uncomfortable enough to apologise and back down. Seems like you have to stand your ground. Time to draw a line in the sand. How can you negotiate this next step?

Novemberrain77 · 24/04/2020 23:54

Yes I'm always the one trying to talk things through or moving forwards. But I guess that is showing forgiveness. Not anymore. Don't know until he talks

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 25/04/2020 04:04

I bet ‘he gets funny when I want to discuss money’......I just bet he does.
The tight controlling article! This is 2020 who the heck does he think he is, as another poster has pointed out, he is only able to earn what he does because you are at home taking care of things on the domestic front. You both do jobs, different yes, but both of you work towards a
common goal. I wonder if his dominance is limited solely to financial dominance. This has long been used as a very effective control method,

please don’t stand for it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread