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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has reported me to social services

544 replies

Peanutbuttermouth · 20/04/2020 14:23

Just after some advice as I don't have any experience of this.
My ex is abusive. I did the freedom programme and was slowly trying to put boundaries in around him seeing our kids (contact not in my house etc). He was outraged at these new boundaries.

Our dc are 8 and 6. They're ace. He very rarely sees them. When he does come round he calls me a prostitute etc in front of them.

During lockdown I have been putting a movie on for them in the evening and going for a 20 min run. I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in. I've just called them and asked what will happen and they said someone will be in touch to investigate the claim. It is true that I left them to go for a run and I don't plan on denying it.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Fuzzybumblebee · 20/04/2020 15:19

I don't think you seem to be able to grasp that the age of your children and leaving them alone is an issue, what if something happened to you on your run and letting them go to a park alone is beyond me, maybe social services could help you with advice on what maybe age appropriate

Ulver · 20/04/2020 15:19

What would happen if you had an accident when they were home alone? Not ok to leave them.

Techway · 20/04/2020 15:19

OP, why not take your children to the park and run with them, they could round shorter circles or play. That way you keep an eye on them.

I don't think it is usual to leave children that age. The UK parents do seem to have stricter age limits compared to most of Europe but that is due to our society setup.

Wolfiefan · 20/04/2020 15:20

How is a phone going to keep them safe? Stop them being taken or hurt or breaking a leg????

Merename · 20/04/2020 15:20

I’d report my ex in these circumstances, op. Everyone has said why this is risky. The current climate will go in your favour as SS will only be dealing with major child protection issues, but I expect they will ring you and have a chat about the potential risks. Ultimately you could be charged if something happened to either child while you were out, you need to consider these welfare issues before thinking of doing this again. I am not a lone parent and lucky not to be faced with the desire to do this - but mixing households and getting someone to come and babysit would be a better idea and less risky, if you need a break.

ZiggeryZaggy · 20/04/2020 15:21

@Candyfloss99 - Social services are not going to “rip her to shreds” - they can’t cope with the real, horrendous child protection issues they have to deal with, never mind a mum who goes for a 20 min run because she judges that her children will be okay at home for that period.

goorno · 20/04/2020 15:22

you need to explain to them the situ with the abusive ex if it comes to it

What difference does this make? He might be abusive, but he hasn't forced OP to regularly leave the kids alone? Confused

saraclara · 20/04/2020 15:23

Sorry. I was pretty lax compared to most MNers too. But I wouldn't have left mine for 20 minutes, either. Definitely not to go for a run.

Having said that, given what social services have to deal with, I doubt you'll get more than a warning. You'll need to sound a bit more contrite than you are here though.

Moomin8 · 20/04/2020 15:23

@Candyfloss99 ‘Rip you to shreds’

Wow, you sound just lovely Hmm I wonder if you’d have the nerve to say that to someone in real life?

Original poster
Peanutbuttermouth · 20/04/2020 15:23

@ziggeryzaggy what your ex did was awful and I'm sorry ss did nothing.

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 20/04/2020 15:24

If you have any sense then you won’t be remotely incredulous with SS

What you did was wrong.
They are too young and the fact you qualify leaving them with the pretext of plonking them to watch a movie suggests that you are only doing it when you are more convinced they are less likely to get up to mischief.

Far better to show contrition and heed this warning then risk further subsequences.

And I wrote this as a single mother to three kids under seven who doesn’t get any really time off and is there overnight every night.

Bessica1970 · 20/04/2020 15:24

The most worrying thing here is the OPs excuses. It really doesn’t sound like she agrees with the majority of posters who are saying she shouldn’t be doing this. I suspect that she expected everyone to agree with her.

I also suspect that if SS don’t get very involved, then it will continue (at no point has she said she won’t do it again - just made excuses). Being a single parent is a challenge, and a bloody hard one - but not an excuse.

OP - if SS give you a quick call and advise you not to leave your children, would you still do it / let them go to the park unsupervised?

MillicentMartha · 20/04/2020 15:25

I started to leave my DS3 for 20 minutes when he was 8. Certainly not before. You really can’t leave a 6 year old with just an 8 year old in charge.

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/04/2020 15:25

Oh well, that's alright then, Iwalkinmyclothing Hmm
It's shit, but there's always far shitter around so your level of shit doesn't really register. What message is that to send to anyone?
We can't get you on that, so fire ahead??

qweryuiop · 20/04/2020 15:25

No way social services will be putting in support based on leaving children at home for 20 minutes (alone - they may be much more interested due to the history/ongoing situation of children witnessing abuse). the threshold for intervention is far higher than this.

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 20/04/2020 15:25

Who looks after your children when you go on dates? Or work evenings?

gingerbeerandlemonade · 20/04/2020 15:26

I think your ex was right to be honest. That is so irresponsible. What if there was a fire? What if one of them fell? 6 is such a young age and 8 is not old enough to look after a younger sibling.

Original poster
Peanutbuttermouth · 20/04/2020 15:27

@bessica1970 if ss asked me not to leave them then I wouldn't. Not because I feel that they're unsafe but because I wouldn't want to risk even the slightest possibility that they'd be taken from me.

OP posts:
Gilead · 20/04/2020 15:28

peanutbuttermouth I'm sorry, but I'm not sure you're listening. You have acknowledged that people have different views but you don't seem to be accepting that actually, it's not the right thing to leave an 8 year old and 6 year old alone together for a period of time.
There are people on here who are single parents, that have been through abusive relationships and who have no support, those are not caveats to your leaving the house with children in it. You really need to find a way round this. Even if they're 'like zombies' in front of the film, what happens when one of them gets bored, or trips and falls on the way to the loo? It's not appropriate behaviour.

Original poster
Peanutbuttermouth · 20/04/2020 15:28

@geraniumjohnsonsblue my mum usually but she's isolating.

OP posts:
goorno · 20/04/2020 15:29

OP, you've said on a previous thread, only last month, that both of your DC are under 7yo....

EverythingChanges321 · 20/04/2020 15:29

I Initially thought this must be a wind up thread.
Surely no-one would be stupid enough to leave an 8yr old and 6yr old playing alone in a park whilst the parent stayed at home?

But then I remembered one of the mums at primary school who took her 3 children out of school to ‘home school’ them. They already had a low attendance and she’d had letters about it but felt it wasn’t anyone else’s business whether she sent them to school or not and was genuinely annoyed about being pulled up on it.

I only realised how divergent our parenting styles were when I happened to pop round early to collect my son from a play date at her house to discover all the children home alone. Youngest was 5 plus a 7 and 8 year old. Mine was 8.

I waited until she returned and apparently, she left them to go shopping regularly and really couldn’t see what the big deal was. She said they could go to the (elderly) neighbours if there was a problem. 🤦🏻‍♀️

She genuinely thought she was teaching them to be independent and I was too uptight. She took them out of school not long afterwards and I lost touch with her, although I’ve see her occasionally shopping in town, on her own!

I assume that’s how she was brought up so if that’s the case, I can understand why she thinks I’m over protective by comparison.

Babyboomtastic · 20/04/2020 15:29

What worries me is what else the op things is ok.

The ex was 100% right to call imo, especially as you still don't see it as a problem.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 20/04/2020 15:30

". I'm going to guess that most people responding don't have 100% sole residency of their children with no support?"

I do.

I would never use that as an excuse to leave young children alone, and it won't wash with SS either.

There is no minimum age, this is true, and in some circumstances a sensible 8yo could be left alone for a few minutes, but what you're doing is irresponsible and you need to stop it.

Just because a few local people think it's OK to let small children unsupervised at the park doesn't mean it's OK.

SS will tell you to stop this, and as long as you follow their advice, that'll likely be the end of involvement.

Mum4Fergus · 20/04/2020 15:31

It's not the case now but I was once in the position of 100% sole residency and there is no danger Id have left DS in his own. He's10 now and still wouldn't consider it an option...and definitely not with a younger sibling.

Sorry OP but I think you've made a bad judgement call on this one.