Ex has reported me to social services

[Peanutbuttermouth]

Just after some advice as I don't have any experience of this.
My ex is abusive. I did the freedom programme and was slowly trying to put boundaries in around him seeing our kids (contact not in my house etc). He was outraged at these new boundaries.

Our dc are 8 and 6. They're ace. He very rarely sees them. When he does come round he calls me a prostitute etc in front of them.

During lockdown I have been putting a movie on for them in the evening and going for a 20 min run. I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in. I've just called them and asked what will happen and they said someone will be in touch to investigate the claim. It is true that I left them to go for a run and I don't plan on denying it.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

They go to the park alone as well? Jesus Christ. Mine are allowed to ride bikes on the driveway only if I'm sitting on the doorstep. It takes seconds for a child to be dragged into a car

I'm in the group of people who thinks the MN consensus is a bit too paranoid. Certainly, I'd consider leaving my 8 year old alone for 20 minutes while running as he's very sensible, knows how to use the phone and we have good relationships with neighbours and family who are relatively local. However I would question the wisdom of leaving an 8 year old in charge of a 6 year old.

Having said that, I don't think you're breaking any rules here. So I would hope that SS would come and have a chat, perhaps discuss things with the children to make their own assessment on whether or not the children are capable of being left alone etc. Then assuming that your kids aren't actually terrified every time, hopefully this would be seen in context and not as a catastrophic event from which there is no return.

[by the way, we have a friend who lives in Switzerland albeit a smallish village - when they moved there, their oldest DS was 7. They were quite shocked to discover that the school took a very dim view of her walking DS to school. He was expected to make his own way there and back daily....!]

What if you collapsed whilst you’re on your run?

Are you letting them play in the park at the moment during lockdown?!

I leave my 12 year old DSD at home alone but never with her 7 year old to look after. Too many variables involved and the same with your children. To put it bluntly you appear to be justifying your decisions around other peoples shit parenting. Be better than that and take this opportunity to up your game.

You lack of judgement and common sense is staggering.

Why would ss be expected to swallow "it's ok, I know the risks now"? She clearly didn't/doesn't, or it wouldn't have happened

Well, maybe she didn't then, but I'm sure she will understand now given the kicking she's about to get on this thread.

And it's not about us 'swallowing' things so much as looking at the situation in front of you. A parent checks nspcc guidance, interprets 'not leaving children under 12 alone for long periods' as meaning 'ok to leave my under 12s alone for 20 minutes with a phone and an understanding of how to contact me if they need to', is honest about their actions, engages with the worker, explains how they now understand that the guidance should be interpreted differently, gives assurances it won't be repeated... what the heck would you expect to be done? When there are insufficient resources even to protect children being starved, raped and tortured, when keeping track of CP caseloads during school closure and lockdown is an all but impossible task, when there are children being subjected to the very worst humanity can offer, you think social services are going to go all in on something like this?

Give me fucking strength

My ex hit our DD year old so hard that he left bruises. SS phoned him up and told him not to do it again. They offered a parenting course for him which he declined.

That was it. Along with a lengthy report after interviewing me and the children face to face - he did not even have a face to face visit though. So based on that, I wouldn’t think you need to worry too much about the outcome.

They're not going to the park at the moment. They watch a movie at home and they're like zombies in front of a screen. They're not bouncing round the house lighting fires and dangling out of windows.

My plan is to hear what social services have to say and welcome any support. I'm going to guess that most people responding don't have 100% sole residency of their children with no support?

Some of these responses are hysterical. Refusing to allow your children to ever go out alone or be alone until they start secondary seems a bit counter productive to me. At the very least, they need to be used to i before their first day at high school.

OP may be too far the other way, but the screeching about it only takes a second for someone to grab them or the questions about whether a parent can see the paedophile int he market are completely OTT.

I bet this is a reverse and it's actually the ex's new partner posting this.

I have 100% care of my three children from the time they were 3months, 4 & 8. They are now 8, 12 and 16. No way would I have left them home alone at 6 or 8. If I had to go without something I wanted (like a run), then I did. It's responsible parenting.

I cannot believe you don't see it.

What if you collapse? What if a fire starts or one of them chokes? What if someone breaks in? Paranoid maybe but can happen and just not worth the risks!

They're not bouncing round the house lighting fires and dangling out of windows. well that makes it all ok then. Sheesh.

I'm not surprised he reported you to be honest, i would do the same.

Maybe you need to re-evaluate what is actually ok given all of the potential risks.

Unbelievable.

Really? For 20 mins? Does nobody else ever leave their children in the house?

Not to go very far away from the house, no. I might have done it when I nipped next door to borrow a cup of sugar and got chatting or something, but the difference is the kids would know exactly where I was and I could be home within 20 seconds.

Going for a run 10 minutes away from the house is not really on, not whenthe youngest is only six.

Why is your ex calling you a prostitute?

What support do you thing SS might provide? They’re not going to come and babysit so you can go out for a run.

There’s a lot of single parents looking after kids on their own.

Support is so stretched these days that parents of kids with serious physical or learning difficulties can’t even get respite care. I wouldn’t hold your breath for any support at all.

Someone I used to work with had the police called on her by the neighbours as she was leaving her 7yo and 9yo. For a period of a few hours, not 20 mins but the police prosecuted her. Not sure of the outcome because work sacked her.

Whatever your ex's motivations, leaving a 6-year-old in the house alone for half an hour is not okay, except in an emergency. So much can happen.

They're not bouncing round the house lighting fires and dangling out of windows.

You don't know that. That's the whole point.

8 and 6 no. My children would have got up to all sorts at that age. At 11 and 13 I leave them while I pop to the shops. Still wouldn't leave them long

The park thing is even worse than being left in the house TBH - you have no idea who else is there (not just paedophiles as the danger stranger is less common than we think), older kids can be nasty. You’re not there if they have an accident.

If one of your kids is badly hurt and you weren’t there - SS will, rightly, show a lot of interest!

My kids are 12 and 9 and I still think they’re too young to be out alone together ( though my 12 year old does go on short errands to the shop at the end of the street or can meet his peers).

They may all do it where you live, but why stoop to the lowest common denominator. I’ve lived in some really rough areas in my life, and my job then was to have higher standards of myself than some of the people around me - for my kids benefit.

@BlingLoving but it does only take seconds for someone to grab a child. Sarah Payne was out playing with her older siblings and was taken. Her brother was literally steps behind her.

OP I've been a SP to my DD since she was under 1 (now almost 16). I'm lax compared to MN standards but I do think this was a poor judgement call. I love over 200 miles away from family and friends so get how tough it is. But just because everyone in your area allows this doesn't mean you should. You need to make your own risk assessment- what if you fell and were taken into hospital, would your DC know what to do? Even allowing them to go to the park by themselves, they are very young, they could easily be groomed by much older teens for example. I think some support by SS would be a good idea and it sounds as if you are open to it.

I get it’s difficult op being a single parent but leaving an eight year old and a six year old alone isn’t ok. Neither is letting them out of your sight without supervision.

In this instance your ex was right.