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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has reported me to social services

544 replies

Peanutbuttermouth · 20/04/2020 14:23

Just after some advice as I don't have any experience of this.
My ex is abusive. I did the freedom programme and was slowly trying to put boundaries in around him seeing our kids (contact not in my house etc). He was outraged at these new boundaries.

Our dc are 8 and 6. They're ace. He very rarely sees them. When he does come round he calls me a prostitute etc in front of them.

During lockdown I have been putting a movie on for them in the evening and going for a 20 min run. I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in. I've just called them and asked what will happen and they said someone will be in touch to investigate the claim. It is true that I left them to go for a run and I don't plan on denying it.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
SistemaAddict · 21/04/2020 12:19

Oh I remember you now. You're the poster who is moving to Manchester and lives in "an ex council estate in a rough arse end of Cheshire" and were quite excited at the thought of living in moss side. You asked about high schools giving the impression your children are older.

Hoggleludo · 21/04/2020 12:20

My father worked on the Sarah Payne case. I remember him coming home ashen every night. That story is not one you'd want to go through. They were all together. Playing hide and seek. Her brother saw the guy wave and smile as he took away the car that had his sister in it.

My father never fully got over that case. There's details he won't share with anyone.

That's why my heart flutters.

noyoucannotcomein · 21/04/2020 12:20

There is not a law on what age a child should be left alone BUT if anything was to happen you would be held responsible, I have recently been leaving my 10, 6 & 4 year old in the house themselves while I go to the supermarket and out for essentials once or twice a week, eldest has a phone if anything was wrong but a
i feel they are safer in the house for half an hour than coming to the supermarket with me at the moment plus it would take me longer, I had social work involved recently due to leaving an abusive relationship last year & ex being arrested and I actually mentioned the social worker on the phone when she was checking in on us that I had being doing this, she agreed that it was probably safer than taking them.

I think your social worker is off her rocker. Leave your 10yo, at a push. Not a 6yo and 4yo.

Leaving them all, what if something happens to the 10yo who has the phone, but cannot call?

Nomorepies · 21/04/2020 12:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

ChrissieKeller61 · 21/04/2020 12:27

I would not allow a 8 or 6 year old out to play as things stand but truthfully we should be doing more to make those environments safe, cctv maybe tags only issued to parents to enter playgrounds etc rather than preventing the children having their freedom. It’s the wrong way around right now

Asuitablecat · 21/04/2020 12:37

My two are nearly 11 and 9ish. I wouldn't let them go to the park round the corner cos there are older teens smoking weed quite often. Police know. Just like police know the drugs coming in with the trains and where the users hang out. But there's fuck all they can do about them. And it's not the police's fault.

I do not live in a city, which is why county lines scares the shit out of me way more than paedophiles.

I'd love my kids to have the freedom I had as a kid, but a actually, it could be pretty terrifying when.other kids came round and threatened you Tec.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/04/2020 12:53

The reason we instantly recognise these names - April Jones, Sarah Payne, Holly and Jessica - is because it is incredibly rare for something so awful to happen.

I think 6 and 8 is a bit young to be left alone, but others saying they wouldn't leave much older kids is madness, esp with older siblings. Kids should be heading off to shops/parks etc by the summer of year 5 at the very least in preparation for secondary school. Obv depending on your area.

I work with a woman who makes her 14 year old DD go to her grandparents after school, rather than go home which is a mile away. On the dot at 3.45 she's ringing the daughter to check she has got home and I often hear the conversation where her DD is desperate to go to the shops with mates or go home … madness.

riotlady · 21/04/2020 12:57

@Nomorepies many more children die in car accidents but most of us will take our kids in cars for non essential journeys, right? It’s about weighing up the severity of the risk, the chances of it actually happening (the reason those stories get so much attention and you remember them is because it is actually incredibly rare for children to be snatched by strangers) and the potential rewards.

DD is only 2 so I don’t have to deal with this yet, but where I live sending an 8 year old to a very nearby park would be pretty common. It’s fine but to be more cautious but I don’t think it’s fair to make it sound like people are sending their kids like lambs to slaughter

randomguy12 · 21/04/2020 12:58

I wouldn’t leave a 6 and 8 year old on their own, does this occur regularly? However, children 10+ should be left alone once in a while so they mature, but this depends on many factors like the area / their maturity.

Hoggleludo · 21/04/2020 13:01

Yes. Those cases are rare. Ish.

But they happen. They happen every day. Don't be a statistic.

ChrissieKeller61 · 21/04/2020 13:05

There wasn’t a child murder yesterday in the uk, nor over the weekend. So it’s not happening every day is it ?

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 21/04/2020 13:13

Around a month ago the OP said on another thread that both her children were UNDER 7. Shock

I know people sometimes change small details on here for privacy reasons. so I do hope to Christ that she was lying when she said they were both under 7 only a month ago.

Oakmaiden · 21/04/2020 13:17

I do hope to Christ that she was lying when she said they were both under 7 only a month ago.

Huh? So one of them has had a birthday and is now 8. Why is that a problem?

Scruffyoak · 21/04/2020 13:20

Absolutely no way. I'd be fuming if my ex did that too.

Hoggleludo · 21/04/2020 13:21

There was 1300 or so abductions last year. Or reported attempts. According to police statistics.

About 822 in 2014. So it's going up each year.

BlingLoving · 21/04/2020 13:22

@Nomorepies many more children die in car accidents but most of us will take our kids in cars for non essential journeys, right? It’s about weighing up the severity of the risk, the chances of it actually happening (the reason those stories get so much attention and you remember them is because it is actually incredibly rare for children to be snatched by strangers) and the potential rewards.

Yes, this exactly. We all need to manage risk and do appropriate risk assessment, but some risks are blown out of proportion.

CalleighDoodle · 21/04/2020 13:24

Cannot believe someone supports the op leaving a six year old home alone, because they left their three year old home alone. THAT has shocked me.

I'm trying to stay sane and I felt that the benefit to meoutweighed the risk to my children

Altered the sentence to make it crystal clear what was meant by it and now it is unavoidably very, very selfish.

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 21/04/2020 13:25

Huh? So one of them has had a birthday and is now 8. Why is that a problem?

Under 7. Doesn't that say to you that the eldest is 6, going on 7? It does to me. If the eldest was 7 surely you'd say 'my children are 7 under.' I would, anyway.

Even if the child is 8, she's only just eight.

Isitsixoclockalready · 21/04/2020 13:28

The problem I think that there in leaving a 6/8 year old unattended is that whilst they might well be intelligent/sensible - no doubting that at all is that circumstances could arise that are out of their control and therefore it wouldn't be advisable in my opinion that they are left unattended at that age. You can't change what's done but a lot can happen in 20 minutes. It's never possible to eliminate risks - only to minimise them.

susandelgado · 21/04/2020 13:46

Nothing happened. You were lucky! A couple in my area left their 4 children of similar ages to yours to collect a takeaway. The youngest child found a lighter and was playing with it in his room. The house burnt down and only one of them made it out alive. And that child is horribly scarred.
Sorry , but that's the sort of thing that can happen when you leave children alone 🤷‍♀️

Hoggleludo · 21/04/2020 13:49

@susandelgado

Friend of mine had twins. They were about 4? She went to have a shower. One got hold of a box of matches......

She had social services come to her. I don't know what happened. But she was told off by the doctors for leaving her kids to go have a shower.

YabbaDabbaDoooooooo · 21/04/2020 13:51

I think it really depends on what his complaint is (as in how he has worded it) and the social worker. They will follow up as they have to every complaint.
This will come under the category of neglect, on the case that you've left two minors on their own for 20 minutes more than once, and that the elder child is effectively responsible for the younger child, something which they will see that he is not old enough to do.
They do take each child's maturity into account, however 8 is still very young regardless of maturity to be responsible for another child.

You will most likely be interviewed about the claim and the risks that have been raised. You will then be on their radar, and will most likely be checked on sporadically.

If they have concerns that they can't deal with just a firm talking to, then the children may end up on a "child in need" plan. Formal meetings then take place with people involved with them such as teachers, doctors etc.

I think you need to take a step back and evaluate what you've done and how it is not acceptable. Yes you're on your own and it's hard, but more reason to not leave them in such a vulnerable position, especially with an abusive father who will use this to his advantage. You must know deep down it's not right leaving such young children alone? An 8 year old is far too young to be responsible for another child for any length of time, let alone 20 minutes with you away from the home. When social point this out to you, just admit that it was a poor error of judgement, and show them they have no reason for further concern.

pog100 · 21/04/2020 14:16

Mumsnet needs a new app that forces people to read and digest a whole thread, or at least the OP messages, before they comment. These pile-ons are the most unedifying spectacles and anything but helpful to the OP.

Original poster
Peanutbuttermouth · 21/04/2020 14:38

Thanks @yabbadabbadoooooooo that was the kind of info I was actually asking about.

For anyone genuinely interested in the response from ss, an sw called me today. We had a chat, I explained the background and context and my decision making process. She was incredibly reassuring and kind. What she seemed concerned about was my ex's continued abuse of me and dc and she advised me around that.

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 21/04/2020 14:39

Great news Peanutbuttermouth, sanity rules.