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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has reported me to social services

544 replies

Peanutbuttermouth · 20/04/2020 14:23

Just after some advice as I don't have any experience of this.
My ex is abusive. I did the freedom programme and was slowly trying to put boundaries in around him seeing our kids (contact not in my house etc). He was outraged at these new boundaries.

Our dc are 8 and 6. They're ace. He very rarely sees them. When he does come round he calls me a prostitute etc in front of them.

During lockdown I have been putting a movie on for them in the evening and going for a 20 min run. I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in. I've just called them and asked what will happen and they said someone will be in touch to investigate the claim. It is true that I left them to go for a run and I don't plan on denying it.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Peppafrig · 21/04/2020 04:35

Wow,OP if i was the other parent and I found out you left my kids for 20 minutes every night I would report you too. They are far too young. Do you lock the door and leave them with a key ? What if there was a fire ?

Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 04:50

The exact thing happened to my former neighbour. SS came around and had a chat with her. Told her to not do it again and left it at that.

Personally, it depended where I lived (isolated country home with no street access and surrounding fields). I have gone down to the field to tend to the animals and left my kids in the house. I wouldn’t leave the premises though, what if I got hit by a car etc. No one would know that my kids are alone in the house.

Going for a run there is more chance of interference with you. Could you not bike with them? Or go on a scooter together?

It’s unfortunate that you have an abusive ex husband. I wouldn’t run the risk of my equally abusive ex having one over on me.

Be honest to SS, say you made an error of judge event and won’t do it again. Your ex can and will bring this up in court if it comes to custodial questions. You don’t want that.

DaughterOfHekate · 21/04/2020 06:07

Helicopter parenting is a huge factor in the poor mental health of kids these days and the reactions in this thread are prime example of that

It totally depends on the maturity of a child when they're ready to be left on their own and if they have the ability to contact a parent in an emergency

SonEtLumiere · 21/04/2020 06:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peppafrig · 21/04/2020 06:23

Helicopter parenting lol. Leaving a 6 year old home while the OP runs around the Estate hilarious .

Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 06:28

It’s not about helicopter parenting -at all.

As I said it depends on the circumstances. I have left mine and been out on my property quite a distance away from the house but I wouldn’t be running around an estate and leave them sat in a house on a main road. We don’t know the OP’s exact circumstances so no judgement from me, just an insight into what I would do.

However - she does have a vindictive ex and on the sole basis of that I would avoid giving him the moral high ground here.

unicornsarereal72 · 21/04/2020 07:38

Would you be happy for your 8 year old to baby sit for friends and neighbours? No. She is not old enough to be responsible for any minor. No matters for what time period. Emergency pint of milk fair enough. But every night!

Social services are dealing with much more serious child abuse situations sadly so won't have the capacity to do more than a phone call to you. I hope you can see that this approach isn't appropriate for ones so young.

Oscarthegrouch47 · 21/04/2020 07:43

MN is so strange. I posted the other day about my ex leaving my 8 year old in the car while he went into a supermarket for 10-15 minutes. I wasn't comfortable with it and everyone told me I was completely overreacting and being overprotective. Yet the op here is getting a bashing for leaving two kids of a similar age home alone which is probably safer.

LovingLola · 21/04/2020 07:44

In another thread you say your kids have gone completely feral since lockdown. What makes you think that they will stay in front of a movie in the time you leave them alone ?

ScatteredMama82 · 21/04/2020 07:47

@Peanutbuttermouth going for a 20 minute run isn't an emergency. You say you don't have a choice, you do! Do you leave them alone for any other reason?

You also say that your ex didn't check on your kids, just stored the information for use against you later. He didn't, he reported you to SS straight away as you say here:

I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in.

Regardless of his motives, there is no justification for leaving an 8 year old responsible for a 6 year old. Yes, if you have CV then your DCs may have to step up and cope, but at the moment you don't have it. Going for a run is not an emergency.

You need to separate the 2 issues in your mind - I'm glad that you escaped your abusive ex and that the freedom programme helped you. That has nothing to do with leaving 2 young kids alone - that's your decision and as most people on here seem to agree, it's a bad decision.

neverknewsomany · 21/04/2020 07:49

@Oscarthegrouch47 completely different circumstances! An 8 year old shouldn't be in charge of a 6 year old! Running is not a necessity. Your ex left your 8 year old in the car as it was the safest place as he needed shopping which is a necessity.

ScatteredMama82 · 21/04/2020 07:50

@Oscarthegrouch47 it is different. The OP is doing this every day - she's not doing it to protect her kids from catching CV in the supermarket while she picks up some essentials. She's doing it so she can go for a run! It's not just the 8 year old, it's the fact that she's expecting the 8 year old to look after a young child too.

JudyCoolibar · 21/04/2020 07:54

This thread is nuts.
2 kids in front of the tv for 20 minutes?

@SonEtLumiere, what's the guarantee that they will stay in front of the TV for 20 minutes every single time OP goes out?

Oscarthegrouch47 · 21/04/2020 07:55

I don't think it's that different. My ex could have planned his shopping differently and done it when dc wasn't there. Cars can heat up, there's more likelihood of strangers approaching a car in a public car park than knocking on the door or a house. In an emergency there would be a phone to call for help or presumably a neighbour known to them who they could go to.

Personally I wouldn't do it either but I don't know how the views can be so different.

Also feel sorry for my op who has clearly been the victim of quite serious abuse and is now getting her arse handed to her here.

Oscarthegrouch47 · 21/04/2020 07:56

Also having two kids of a similar age together is probably safer than one alone because if anything were to happen the other could raise the alarm.

dreamingofrainbows · 21/04/2020 08:02

If it's 'well known' that kids in the area are out by themselves ... that's even worse surely?? Very easy target for the wrong types of people.

Sorry but that is just too young, even if they are happy it's not fair to put them in that situation.

Saxineno · 21/04/2020 08:07

I regularly report my ex brother in law for leaving similar aged children at home and don't think SS have ever even got in touch with him. I also report him for much worse and nothing.

Mlou32 · 21/04/2020 08:09

I think when I was that age (30 years ago) it would have been fine to have been left alone for 20 mins and to go to the park to play with my friends. However things seem to have changed over recent years and now everything is perceived as a danger. I wonder why our mindset has changed so dramatically? And if it's anything to do with the poor mental health and lack of coping strategies that many young people display today?

JinglingHellsBells · 21/04/2020 08:13

@Peanutbuttermouth Reading the list of things your children can 'do' in an emergency they sound unrealistic.

Just because you have had a conversation about those things does not mean your child would a) remember and b) not panic in real life.

It's one thing talking to your child about what to do in an emergency, it's another them doing that if it happened.

What is shocking is how on the one hand you appear to have had a meltdown in front of your neighbour on this last night Hmm yet at the same time refuse point blank to accept that you are in the wrong with how you care for your children.

They are your responsibility- not anyone in your road, no matter how friendly they all are.

As for your neighbours being so friendly and sitting outside their homes watching children play in the park etc, did you know that most children's experiences with paedos are people they know and who are 'close to home'? The very people who 'look out for children' often and seem to be kind.

It's just shocking you try to justify your own behaviour rather than accepting you made a mistake.

cherrybunx0 · 21/04/2020 08:17

quite frankly the ex and supposed dad is just as, if not more so, abhorrent then some of you are making the OP out to be. if he was that concerned why not go check on them himself? why not offer to have his precious children a few evenings a week if he was that worried?

not saying that I would leave a 6 year old (8 year old depending on the situation and for how long) but there is a lot of variables and there actually isnt a law on what age you can leave your kids at home alone - there are guidelines and we each have to make a personal decision on our own circumstances and children. the SS will intervene if they deem it necessary - I dont think OP is the awful mother she is being made to feel here though, maybe misguided because of the younger children she has seen out and about etc. but sounds like she is doing her best as a single parent which isnt easy

Ulver · 21/04/2020 08:20

MillicentMartha

@Ulver I’m sure using a neighbour is fine. Do you really only use registered childminders to babysit?

No, my family and friends babysat.
I never used anyone else.
My advice is specific to this poster and their situation.
If she wants to go for a run every day at a certain time she should employ a childminder. Not rely on neighbours etc
Specially if she has already been reported to social services and has a hostile ex.
My sister had a neighbour on her street who would leave their child unsupervised for long periods. My sister watched her out of a feeling of moral responsibility but grew quite resentful and angry at how neglectful the mother was and how she took it for granted that the neighbours would pick up her slack.

neverknewsomany · 21/04/2020 08:22

@Oscarthegrouch47 stop projecting onto the OP because you didn't like that most of the replies you got was your ex did nothing wrong. I leave my 8 year old in the car if I pop to the shop would I leave my 8 & 7 year olds alone together at home whilst I went out no way! They would wind one another up and no doubt cause some kind of mayhem.

Ulver · 21/04/2020 08:25

I also live in an area where several different men have repeatedly attempted to snatch children from our local park.

Probably the only people aware of this are people who are in contact with the nursery in the park or their local police liaison but it is a problem.

Imok · 21/04/2020 08:29

I never left my children alone until they were much older than yours. And I never, ever left the oldest dc 'in charge' of dc2. Why? Because when I was a child, my mum, also a single parent, left me in charge of my younger sibling on many occasions - so she could go out in the evening, during school holidays so she could work etc. And yes, for the most part, we were fine. But in a couple of occasions we weren't. At different tines, each of us was involved in an accident (won't say what, because the combination of events would be very outing) which had serious consequences. And each incident happened less than 20 minutes after my mum left us.
OP, you really need accept whatever help and support SS may offer and accept that what you did was not acceptable. Your children can have all the gadgets in the world, but they won't 'keep them safe', all they will do is allow them to call for help. Maybe.

triedandtestedteacher · 21/04/2020 08:33

@Oscarthegrouch47 I would have been angry if my children had been left in a car as well. Didn't see your thread

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