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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has reported me to social services

544 replies

Peanutbuttermouth · 20/04/2020 14:23

Just after some advice as I don't have any experience of this.
My ex is abusive. I did the freedom programme and was slowly trying to put boundaries in around him seeing our kids (contact not in my house etc). He was outraged at these new boundaries.

Our dc are 8 and 6. They're ace. He very rarely sees them. When he does come round he calls me a prostitute etc in front of them.

During lockdown I have been putting a movie on for them in the evening and going for a 20 min run. I was running the other evening and bumped into my ex. So of course he then knew I was leaving our children in the house and has emailed social services copying me in. I've just called them and asked what will happen and they said someone will be in touch to investigate the claim. It is true that I left them to go for a run and I don't plan on denying it.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Oscarthegrouch47 · 21/04/2020 08:44

@neverknewsomany projecting 😂😂😂 try and have an intelligent conversation without getting personal.

Just can't see the difference? Regardless of the motives kids of a similar age were left unsupervised for a similar amount of time. One was in a car in a public car park which apparently is fine. Others were at home with access to a phone, neighbour nearby but that's abhorrent.

Genuinely interested in why people think it's so different. It seems to me that people generally only comment en masse to disagree with the op.

Heygirlheyboy · 21/04/2020 08:50

I do not leave my DC and don't agree with what the OP did but some posters are completely the other extreme and that's not good either. Children who haven't been taught about kettles etc. Giving your children a certain amount of responsibility and control actually brings about better self control and personal responsibility so that they can cope. Posters who say never alone.until 18? How will they cope in university?!

What do you think the riskiest thing we can allow our child to do? Clue: it's a lot riskier than the one in 14 million chance of being abducted! And the number one group for choking? It's not small children! That's not to say don't bother putting safeguards in place but just to give much needed perspective and to show we cannot avoid all risk and often the higher risks are not considered very much. As a pp said, a simple thing like op turning her ankle etc is a much more likely thing to plan for. My 8yo can boil a kettle, scramble an egg and use the toaster etc. These are skills that can be taught early and with optimum safety regarded. Our children will not be better off for being completely protected from all risk.

Ulver · 21/04/2020 08:55

I also don’t believe that it’s a 20 min run. If you run regularly 20 mins isn’t really long enough.

onlyconnect · 21/04/2020 08:57

I haven't read the whole thread so maybe the tone has changed.

OP my attitude is very different from what seems to be everyone else's. I think if the kids are sitting down occupied , it's 20 minutes and they have a way of contacting you, it's fine.
We also need to remember we are in particular circumstances at the moment. Staying in the whole time with two kids and no chance of any sort of break has consequences.
I really don't get the big fuss from everyone.

kingkuta · 21/04/2020 09:01

Surely you cant leave your kids in the garden every night and expect a neighbour to sit in theirs?

They're your kids, your responsibility. You cant just fuck off and leave them. Would you go to the pub for half an hour? sit in a coffee shop? Why do you think going off for a run is any different?

Take them with you on their bikes or do a fitness session at home like the rest of us FFS

haggistramp · 21/04/2020 09:19

Op don't worry about it, I don't think it'd be high up on ss concerns. Do you live relatively rurally? MN seems funny about kids being alone yet where I live (rural Scotland) kids walk to schools themselves by p3 (7/8) and certainly go out to play with friends by that age. You'd be laughed out of town if you insisted walking your child to school until they went to high school.

Notcoolmum · 21/04/2020 09:28

Yes I have sole responsibility for my children and have since they were 4 and 1. I would never have left the in the house alone at those ages. There was culture of young children going to the park alone at my old house and my kids begged me to let them. They were probably 10 and 7 but I left them a few minutes then had to walk to the next street to keep an eye on them. I am a fairly relaxed parent but I think you have not made a sensible decision here.

Best to go to a park you can run round and see the kids whilst they play. Or take them on their bikes/scooters and run with them.

Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 09:31

Was going to say @Ulver that 20minutes is not worth leaving your kids for and potentially being seen by your ex.

That’s the time it takes me to get into a run. This low cardio exercise can be replicated at home with a YouTube HIIT session.

Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 09:31

Not YOUR kids but rather one’s kids

Ulver · 21/04/2020 09:34

Most people with kids that age have friends with kids the same age who babysit for each other?
I did and find it a bit weird that it hasn’t been considered an option?

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 21/04/2020 09:36

I also don’t believe that it’s a 20 min run. If you run regularly 20 mins isn’t really long enough.

I was thinking the same. Most of us, when we say 'I need to nip out for 10 minutes' really mean 20, and 20 really means 40. It's a fact of life.

And 'I went for a 20 minute run' isn't really any different to 'I went for half an hour's shag with a bloke who lives in the next street.' It sounds better, but it isn't better. Both involve leaving young children unsupervised while you do something non-essential.

With something like this, once the OP has become accustomed to leaving them for short periods, it seems less of a leap to leave them for longer and longer periods. It worries me that she has them so well drilled about how to cope in an emergency when she is not there. At those ages it would not have occurred to me to tell my children how to get in and out of the front door from both inside and outside if it's locked. I can't think of any reason why they might have needed to know, frankly.

JinglingHellsBells · 21/04/2020 09:39

I think if the kids are sitting down occupied , it's 20 minutes and they have a way of contacting you, it's fine.

@onlyconnect Do you have children? Do you believe that an 8 and 6 yr old would sit still and be occupied for 20 mins and not ever get up to something else?

Having spent years as a teacher ,I can assure you kids of that age find it very hard to sit still at all, and no parent can guarantee they would be absorbed in whatever for 20 minutes.

Your advice might work if they were perhaps 11 and 10 years old, Or even if it were a 10 year old alone. It's the fact there are TWO of them, so they might fight, and the youngest is barely more than a baby at 6 yrs old.

My neighbour's child is 6 and the thought that a child two years older would be left in charge for even 20 mins is blood curdling.

cherrybunx0 · 21/04/2020 09:39

some of you just love to stick the boot in dont you.

looking at you @Ulver - a lot of assumptions

JinglingHellsBells · 21/04/2020 09:40

@Ulver we are in lockdown. How can anyone babysit? Hmm

drspouse · 21/04/2020 09:40

'I went for a 20 minute run' isn't really any different to 'I went for half an hour's shag with a bloke who lives in the next street.'

To be fair, you're unlikely to catch CV or an STD from going for a run.

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 21/04/2020 09:41

True dr but that wasn't really my point. It's easy to say you are leaving them because you are out doing something that sounds virtuous, but tha doesn't excuse it.

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 21/04/2020 09:43

I think if the kids are sitting down occupied , it's 20 minutes and they have a way of contacting you, it's fine.

If youngest was say 8 or 9 and the eldest was at least 11 or 12 then yes.

8 and 6, no way.

Ulver · 21/04/2020 09:45

JinglingHellsBells

@Ulver we are in lockdown. How can anyone babysit? hmm
Bookmark

I did say that technically she will be breaking lockdown if she leaves the kids with the neighbour. Same applies to a friend obviously.
She doesn’t seem to care about that obviously.

Ulver · 21/04/2020 09:49

cherrybunx0

some of you just love to stick the boot in dont you.

looking at you @Ulver - a lot of assumptions

The OP asked for advice, I gave it.
It seems the majority of people including those who have professional safeguarding roles think that the OP is being unreasonable.
The OP seems to think that she now will be able to leave her kids with a neighbour every day ( against lockdown rules) and will carry on regardless. Giving the abusive ex ammunition to further report her.

Her decision but I’m finding it hard to be sympathetic to her.

cherrybunx0 · 21/04/2020 09:52

you dont need to be sympathetic but I'm failing to see where assuming she is lying about going for a 20 minute run or assuming all of us with kids that age have a buddy who will happily babysit cos they have similar age kids is helpful or even a debate really - none of my friends have kids

Ulver · 21/04/2020 09:58

I would say if your kids are in full time education it’s unusual to not make friends with other parents from their school.
I’m not saying best buddies or anything but it’s part of being a parent to help them socialise with their peers.

Heartburn888 · 21/04/2020 09:58

Op you can get fitness class videos on YouTube maybe you can try them and have the kids do it with you?

onlyconnect · 21/04/2020 09:59

Jinglinghellsbells I actually have a six year old.
Obviously it depends on the kids. There are kids that I wouldn't leave alone at an older age but surely some trust in the OP that she knows her own kids is required here.
I don't think we do kids any favours these days. I wouldn't leave kids for longer than this, I wouldn't leave them if I knew my particular children are likely to be jumping around ) OP says they sit still when watching tv) but I think over the course of time and across the world it would be seen as bonkers to make such a fuss about this. We're not just talking about someone saying they don't agree, he's reporting her to SS. I think they've got more serious things to deal with.

OldPeculier · 21/04/2020 10:01

OP I’m not a single parent and my kids know all of what you’ve mentioned in your last post. Would I still do what you do though? No. People panic, kids especially and I’d expect any child to panic in an emergency situation and not fall back on everything we’ve taught them about how to handle an emergency. On the other hand, they might not and take action perfectly. It’s 50/50 and it comes down to whether it’s worth taking that risk.

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 21/04/2020 10:03

@onlyconnect

Even the most mature 6 year old might feel thirsty get up to go get a drink, suddenly feel ill and throw up, need the loo and slip over etc. I think everyone understands that most of the time kids left alone will be fine but the issue is that at that age their too young to deal with an emergency that might crop up.