20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Thanks just, you’re up late! Haven’t bought this one yet, will do tomorrow. Obv can’t get it from amazon!
Am finding this hard going, continually doubting self - maybe I’ve skewed the info in my posts and it sounds worse than it is - and am shocked, he fits a lot of behaviour patterns but it’s more like he’s a bit of a twit - a kid that wants his own way, and learnt crap tactics, rather than a full on nasty bloke. Mind you, he can have moments, but they are very rare.
But that what makes it so hard to be definite about leaving JK.

What matters is the effect it has on you, not his motivation.

You're not being paid to be his psychiatrist, or to be a judge deciding whether his motivation or mitigating circumstances should lessen his sentence. You are not 'the state' or other institution governing the choices available to him in life. You are not 'bigger than him' in that way. You are just another person, who happened to bump into him and enter his orbit, once upon a time.

The deliberately Machiavellian 'evil schemer' is very rare. Most abusive people are just sad, damaged people who haven't learnt how to behave nicely.

What's important to you is your felings, your happiness, your wellbeing, your quality of life.

He is a grown man and not a kid. His behaviour is affecting you. Don’t infantilise what he is doing.

His “crap tactics” sound nasty in the effect they have. It is intended! Please remember that. It is not an accident or a misunderstanding.

please stop minimising his awful behaviour toward you. I can guarantee you once you are out of this relationship and have had some counselling or done the Womens Aid Freedom programme, you will see this for what it is - bullying, manipulative, shitty behaviour. You do not deserve this, so try to stop explaining and understanding his thoughts and feelings.

Leave him! That is the best advice.

Your last post is full of backtracking and excuses, look at your earlier ones; he has put you down, controlled you for 20years, your new business plan won’t succeed because he’ll keep dragging you down with his snide comments and destroying your confidence.
Why would you stay? another 20 years of feeling scared, stupid, stuck?
Your kids are seeing a relationship where he’s the boss and you’re the little woman doing as she’s told.

They're not crappy tactics. It took you 20 years to notice the pattern. He's kept it low level and consistent.
I suspect your household is organised around servicing his needs not yours. Anything that threatened that status quo, i.e. you getting a job or doing a course, has been stopped in its tracks in addition to making you feel guilty for not contributing enough (please reserve F.O G. for fear, guilt and obligation) as well as trampling on any drama you dared to have. Ask while pretending he wasn't doig this.
This is quite a lot to keep spinning over that amount of years.
Buy the Kindle versions. They're cheaper.
When things are going his way, it's easy to be nice. When things aren't, that's when he shows his true self.
Yes, kids act like this when they don't get their own way but they're children and don't have the same control and self awareness of an adult. He does and still chooses to act in this manner towardsyou. This is also key, I suspect your the only person he chooses to act like this towards. Ask yourself why.........!?
Don't worry about me, I've got a wee Bambino keeping me up late 😁😊

A 'twit' makes a fool of himself, in a lighthearted way. He doesn't constantly, methodically, reflexively put you down, causing anxiety and chronic self-doubt.

The belief, on the part of many women, that they should do whatever they can to understand, help and 'fix' their man is incredibly common, yet completely delusional. A societal and psychological con-trick, I would say.

Just try to think of a crime, any crime, committed by someone deemed to require 'help' to learn to fit better into society and reduce the likelihood of recurrence. Now, please name the crime for which the expectation would be, that that rehabilitation service should best be provided by the criminal's victim.

Read this and see if any of it fits before dismissing it all out of hand....
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling?amp

Oh gosh...Thanks everyone. Read the above just, thank you. You are all so right.
Well I’m learning. We Went through the finances today. He Followed the same patterns of getting cross with me, standing over me. I was able to recognise the pattern and say ‘I’m not doing this till you behave’. That’s progress - I’d have been all over the place in the past. In the past I mucked up the child benefit and he yelled so much I got very anxious about doing anything with finances. I Thought he was ott, but now realising it was controlling ( in a way) - it’s like he gets me to do it then can complain if I do it wrongly. I’ve been so nervous there’s basic stuff I should have done and haven’t.😕 or he’s said don’t, so I Just dismissed it. ( what was I thinking)He said we don’t have enough to go on holiday or visit my mum (87 lives abroad), unless I get a job. He says a minimum wage shop job isn’t enough, I need to be earning 30 k. How do I do that?There may be some hours locally, but am nervous to apply - he didn’t approve of my last shop job, and says it’s a waste if my time.
That my business is a risk because we won’t know if it’s worth it until Christmas.
Blimey just reading this. It doesn’t sound so good. No wonder I’ve been stuck for years. I guess I plough on with business and keep applying for jobs. Must say find it hard to keep my mojo going.

Sorry, last bit..working this out out loud so to speak. Feel free to ignore!
Mulling over your link just.
Omg! Realising..
In the past I’ve tried to drag myself up to work on what I believe can be a business. With put downs, I lost my mojo, and got depressed and sunk into dreary housework and Applying for jobs I’ve no hope of getting..which meant more depression and loss of confidence.
Like the previous poster that’s a writer, he dismisses my talents as a hobby, not realising that the talents (which paid very well before I met him) will lead into a direction which will help my cv.
And this has gone on for years. And I thought it was me being useless. He’s cutting off all my directions, consciously or not. Feck.
Just realising it happens all the time..e.g I just called a mate i haven’t seen for years - he’s all ‘ I always liked her’ ( what?) when she offered to help. But now She actively wants to get involved and he’s all dismissive sounding or not interested. Nothing you can out your finger on, but ..aha! In parallel situations, I’ll then not do whatever it is, and then he’ll say,’well I didn’t say not to’ leaving me confused and doubting myself.
!

Your description of your walk on Saturday is very worrying. Clearly he is starting to train your DS to join in the abuse of you. You don’t want your DS to grow up to be abusive towards his future partners, which he will, if he learns now that this is acceptable behaviour.

A joke is only a joke if both parties find it funny. Otherwise it’s just bullying.

Well do you have money to go and vist your mother? Would you be in a position to, if you limited spending in other areas? You're the one who does the finances. So you're the one in a position to answer this question. Either you're in charge of the finances, or you're not. Even if you're 'chief financial adviser' with joint decision-making, you're the one who knows.

If he wants to take control of the finances and take on the 'chief adviser' role, let him. He gets to do all the tedious admin too. You get to be the 'dragon', saying yeah or nay to his proposals.

As for your business, please stop talking to him about it. Definitely stop 'taking his advice' aka reflexively obeying (your oppressor) someone who knows nothing about your business!

Sounds like you're doing great!
I was able to recognise the pattern and say ‘I’m not doing this till you behave’.
Well done on being able to recognise it in the moment!!
Check out 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty'. Great book on how to set boundaries with those who try to manipulate you in life. Kindle version is the cheapest. Currently re-reading it for myself! 😊

The way he spoke to your son was horrible and starts to repeat the cycle. You sound great.

I was the poster whose husband told me my burgeoning writing career was 'just a hobby'.

He wanted me to be his mother, essentially. He could see any other business taking me away from what he saw as my 'real job' which was looking after him and the children. I was supposed to sit at home and be the little woman, doting on him utterly and caring for the kids every whim. Because that was what his mother did. She never worked, spent her days doing housework, deferred to her husband in all matters, and he saw that as the ideal. So I was supposed to copy her.

Although, when we'd met and got together, what he'd liked about me had been my independence, my free spirit and my tendency to say 'fuck that' to housework! But I was expected to change, knuckle down and turn into his mother as soon as I had my second child (I went back to work after the first). My loss of earning power was the trigger for him to try to turn me into a domestic drudge.

He remarried. His second wife is stronger than I am and he now, apparently, does household tasks and it is a marriage of equals. But then, they don't have children...

He sounds so truly awful.

God love you living with that for 20 years.

He now appears to be belittling you in front of your children.

You sound like a nervous wreck on the back of years of his emotional abuse.

Awful to read of so much ability and opportunities gone to waste because he can't bear the idea of your success.

Typical failure of a man that probably has seen those he went to school do very well.

His ego needs to bully you to make him feel better about himself.

What a horror.

Have you family and friends to reach out to?

Do you own your home?

Have you access to money to help set you up away from him?

Surely you don't want 20 more years of this?

You sound as if you have enormous potential if you get this bullying monkey off your back.

I am midway through divorcing someone who has treated me exactly like this for at least the last 10 years out of out 21 year relationship. We've been married for 17 years.

I had a great career, he was always jealous that I earned more than him and wasn't home to make dinner. Then we had kids, I had a nervous breakdown, had to stop working, and he was cold and distant through the whole thing.

I got back on my feet a bit thanks to meds and therapy, then we had another kid, and the whole "you need to bring money in, but it can't impact me in any way whatsoever" thing was awful. And the coldness, the refusal to do anything fun, the disdain for my friends. I started doing more outside the home and volunteering, cos when I had done classes he would always 'forget' and be late home, so I couldn't get to eg yoga that I had paid for. I started a business a few years ago, he has been a condescending twat about it from the beginning.

I have had enough. I would have been in my own house by now, without the pandemic.

I read a novel a while back and nodded in sad recognition all the way through at the shit relationship at the centre. There was a bit at the end about how it was emotional abuse and what to do if you were suffering it too. I was shocked. Checked it all out, ticked every box apart from feeling in physical fear.

It's hard to remember who i used to be, and I feel like an idiot for wasting the best part of my life waiting for the days when we would all have a nice time, or i would buy something without being cross examined, or he'd just be the one to make a cup of tea.

My friends have been nothing short of delighted as they found out that we were splitting. Guess that says a lot too.

Wishing good things for you. x

Thanks so much everyone. This is hard to read actually. I want to dismiss it, but am confronting what you are saying. Yesterday thanks to you all I realised I could actually sell the house and live with mum abroad, in cheap country. What about the kids I don’t know. Whether it’s a dream, I don’t know. She’s my rock and she’s getting forgetful. But I could. I’d love to look after her actually!

Trying, I’m very very sorry to read your story. Your pain comes across. And then I realise that’s exactly what happened to me too, which has shocked me.
The career, the breakdown, the work but don’t impact me, the never doing anything fun, the classes I couldn’t get to. Blxxdy he’ll.
And I’m working over hard to make it so the kids have a nice time. He joined us for breakfast and was jolly and I was shocked at how much easier it was, and how the kids responded happily.
What was the novel?!
Billy, just realising you’re right. I’ve been anxious for years. I thought it was me being crap. Feck.
*Awful to read of so much ability and opportunities gone to waste because he can't bear the idea of your success.

Typical failure of a man that probably has seen those he went to school do very well.*

And again feck.
I’ve been so stuck for years. Feeling useless and miserable.

Double feck.

Zaphod, We are leading identical lives! That Is exactly what happened. To the letter. I’ve had to fight to get a space to paint. Was shouted at ‘you Can forget about art’ but being proud when I win a competition. - and suddenly interested enough to go to the opening) But then putting me off entering this years. I’ve been selected to go on a certain tv competition and when I said I may be away for a few days, I Got a frown. Not a ‘how exciting!’ It’s like...he likes it if I do well because it reflects well on him..but he doesn’t want it to impact him..god forbid he should look after the kids in his own. Could that be it?

Thanks Bloke, I need to hear that x
Thanks Just, for the vote of confidence. It sure is a learning curve.
, I’ll get that book too! Will be reading the last book you suggested tonight. Had to figure out amazon and iPad!

Lottie, thanks. Have just realised I do the finances so he can tell me off, yet not have to deal himself,I get to economise, but he gets to spend , because he doesn’t want to feel poor. ( what?! - think you are very right Billy).
Thanks Tea. Am getting a bit concerned about ds. And dd for that matter.
Whew! I can’t thank you all enough - for the first time in ages yeaterday, I got to grips with my anxiety - I realised I could actually go t mums, and that it’s not me being over sensitive. That there’s a reason I’m so confused and anxious. That I can move on. ( that’s a big thought, for the moment)
I got on with my own stuff, and will no longer try and involve him - like Trying said, waiting for the nice stuff .
Actually I’m shocked looking back at my own behaviour. One Xmas I wanted to go see mum while he saw his parents. Not a good reaction. This year I mentioned it..I put it off cos I know it will be a big row. When he was finally ready to talk about it, he said his sister would be disappointed- he usually can’t stand his sister. Mum said it’s fine etc etc. So I was too anxious to pursue it. What an idiot. I didn’t even realise. I’m totally controlled.

Oops 8 a.m am going to control the kettle! Thanks so much for putting up with my painful ramblings.
You are giving me clarity, and strength. Am beginning to see a rope I can reach for. Immensely thank you all. Please don’t stop! 😊 ( needy, moi?!)

Treated - then you are me a few years ago. So, to reassure you, I now live alone, my children are all grown up and in responsible, decent-earning careers that they love. They call round regularly (when we're not in lockdown, obviously) and we hang out, we all go out for drinks, meals and evenings out together.

They do none of this with their father. They regard him much as one would regard a slightly unreliable old dog. He's there, and they visit now and again but they are intolerant of his behaviour and dismiss him as a bit of a prat.

I have my own home, live, write and work and thoroughly enjoy my life. I don't want or need another man around, although I flirt horrendously on occasion!

Be me. Get away, get your own life. It's hard to start with but it gets easier. And your creativity goes up as the stress levels go down. You can do this, And NEVER give up your art!

I’m starting to feel quite excited for you. That you have a new future where you won’t be controlled. Your art sounds exciting too! Although I do worry that he might step up the control once he realises you are changing.

I’m excited for your new life too! I’d love to see some of your art (but realise you might not want to share here). Break free, breathe and shine!

#BeZaphod OP 👏

The failure OP, will only be if you put up this horrible man for another 20 years.

Tell him nothing about what you are doing.
Don't engage with him re your work.
Take that power back.
Answer any of his questions or observations with "yea, oh really, oh dear, i don't know"...etc.....tell him nothing.

He knows nothing OP.
You don't need his views or his twittering's.

You are in a deeply controlling relationship.
You need to get all your financials together.
All the paper work.
Passports.
Get some money together.
Reach out to someone IRL for support.
Get important bits out of the house.
Plan a holiday to your mother with tge children.
Tell him its happening once everything is in place.
Get on to Women's Aid for advice.
Be positive in your heart.
You can do this.👍

Thanks ladies! I feel a lot calmer thanks to your advice, it really helps knowing you are there.
yesterday i was even able to not sit in a blind panic. You’re right billy, I’ll be zaphod. Zaphod, Well dome, you sound well sorted.thats exactly what I’d like to do. I don’t know how yet, but things seem to be getting clearer than they have for a long time.
against my instincts (he ground me down when I was pregnant.OMG another realisation!)I sold my London flat which I never wanted to sell,, to move ( away from family and friends.classic!) So I have cocked up the money side of things. It’s wierd, it’s like he wants money but everything he touches goes pear shaped by, I now think, his controlling..
But, Billy, when you say,’ You are in a deeply controlling relationship’ I’m still doubting it, but I am arent I?
You are right not to discuss business. He now wants it to make money, but is dimmissive of friend who makes £16 k p.a on Etsy. No pressure,!It seems like a huge amount as I’m totally bootstrapping. Yesterday he saw I had 1k in the bank and insisted I put it into the joint account ‘to pay off your computer, now (even though it’s on 0%for a year).So now I have £400. IM wondering if this is financial control?
It is isn’t it?
So I need to put the hours in to get this off the ground. I’m amazed at how much talking to you has helped my confidence. I’ve been putting stuff on Instagram too and am buoyed up by the nice comments. Total strangers are given me back my confidence.
Neepers, thank you for asking to see my pictures, that’s a nice thing. I’m not sure this is the right forum though!
Sorry I do ramble. Can’t sleep! Thanks for helping me process. Xxx

Op, everything he says, stop and think do I agree with this? I can say no.
Can you as a first step transfer the money back to your account? Say the computer is on zero % so it doesn’t need paying off yet, I’ll keep an eye on it.
And don’t talk to him about your business. If you do I honestly think you are better off saying it’s hard I’m not sure what the best plan of attack is, but I’m working on it.