20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Jesus; I'm exhausted just reading about him and his bruised ego. Stop wasting your energy analysing why he is how he is. It's not going to change. I'd start diverting energy into leaving him. It's your ONLY chance of happiness.

Thanks Time. I’ll move the money back over time. Gets v complicated as I feel I need to juggle and hide stuff and then of course he gets cross.
I can say no, but past experience shows I’ll be in for a long tirade.
Happy VE Day !

Thanks super. Jolly well going to xxxx

He's insufferable. Yes, get that money back into your account. The cheeky fecker!
Check out this book too.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=cm_sw_r_wa_apa_i_gJpTEbWSHWW12?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Has a great section on fogging. It's a way of agreeing with possible truths in someone's statement without actually engaging with them.
Hopefully it'll help you fob him off. I'm still workings on implementing the strategies. It's been great stuff at showing me the tactics people use to gain the upper hand.
The book is wonderfully summarised here.
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness
Module 4 is key.

Could you get another account and hide money in that?

I agree he is VERY controlling and he needs to put you down and bully you in order to feel good.

It’s a horrible example to set to your DC about relationships. You need to leave, so now you have gained clarity try getting your ducks in a row, keep reading and try contacting WA and rights of women.

I know that you have mentioned that you like to move abroad and live with you DM. It’s a nice idea, but l wouldn’t leave my DC with an abusive parent. He’ll only start doing what he is doing to you, to your daughter...how does that make you feel?

You sound lovely by the way and well done on your business idea

@tryingabitharder and @Zaphodsotherhead your stories are so familiar! The attitude towards demanding you to contribute financially but also be there to grovel at my feet, the coldness.
@Treatedlikeamaid, I am cheering you on! Like @tryingabitharder I am also mid separation and am only just realising how traumatic the past several years have been. My stbxh was always an emotionally stunted man-baby narcissist but kept a lid on it (somewhat) in the early days compared to how he worsened with each additional child. Your use of the word 'clarity' stood out to me, as that is exactly what I needed in order to start getting out. Keep posting, you are doing so well in seeing what is actually going on. The hardest thing for me was accepting that the person I had chosen to spend my life with really was that unpleasant, cruel and self centred - I totally fell for his public persona and constantly made excuses for his behaviour behind closed doors. He was (and remains) an expert in deflecting away from his deplorable behaviour by making himself out to be the victim in every circumstance.

Until you are ready to leave, 'grey rock' is such a great self protective mechanism. It feels so natural to share your triumphs and fears with your partner but if they are not on your side they will always relish bringing you back to earth with a bump. I realised that my stbxh would chronically provide me with as little information as possible about his daily life, while demanding to know every detail of mine. Even though we are getting through a divorce, he acts the same way now, and I make sure to provide him with no ammo whatsoever. One word, bland answers are the way to go.

Some resources to help you decide when whether to leave:

"Should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/

Say no, and grey rock the tirade. Sit there thinking ‘Nothing to do with me but that weirdo over there is shouting at the window frame. Doesn’t he realise no human woman could ever fancy a guy once they’ve seen that kind of pathetic display. What shall I cook for dinner? If I could have whatever I like what would it be? Now, don’t deliberately think of things the unfanciable weirdo doesn’t like, that’s a bit petty of me isnt it! Not worth it as if he would be invited to my dinner party.’

So what if he gets cross?

Do you expect him to escalate to violence?

Absolutely he is a controlling bully.
Also controlling you financially.

What age are your children?

Have you family?
Can you reach out to them for support in getting out?

Once you get out, the house can be sold and you can get the funds to help you start over.

Tell him nothing.
He doesn't want you to have a penny of your own.
Remember that.
There was NO reason for you to have to move that money, except he wants you penniless.

If you could make a plan to get out and move most of that money into your account before you leave, it would give you a buffer.

Please tell family and friends you need support.

You can get away.

I think you would find it tremendously liberating if you were to stop being terrified of him huffing and puffing, all that crossness and shouting is only so much hot air. Your life seems to be built around soothing his mood, like there is a him-thermometer in your head that you check religiously and base every decision upon. Do you even know what you want yourself any more? Can you think about any action without checking the mantrum-o-meter?

Change your fear of his noise and change your life.

Your name says it all!! Unless it’s a joke.
Does he do his fair share.
He’s abusive.
Manage him for now.
I used to be exhausted spending a morning with my ex - he would addle my brain.
Read the literature recommended.

Thanks!
Thanks just, Am currently reading Lundy and ‘ how he gets into her head’ though have to say it’s difficult! But am learning a lot. Will get should I stay or should I go, next. Thank you!
Time, you did make me laugh! That’s an excellent plan. 😂
Tork, any discussion quickly dissolves into An attack. he will never back down but get nasty.
Oops, have to get on, will pop back later. This is amazing, you are amazing x

I think it's party their insecurity.
And party that that causes their need to spread their anxiety to others.
I realised very late in our marriage that DH was a selfish twat. I think it might have been because I had no example of a good supportive marriage growing up. But I now have him sussed, he does have a few good points, but his views no longer count as he is a twat quite often so we can rub along and I do my thing, and quite often just don't tell him anything as I don't want his 'superior intellect' AKA dismissive and twattish comments.
My DCs are long left home though. So it would be worse if they were around.

So what if he says nasty words?
A) you don't have to stay to take the attack - you can leave the room.
B) he exercises his vocal chords in attack, it's just air moving without material effect unless you choose to give it form, train yourself to ignore his noise.

I heard Mumford & Son's Little Lion Man last night and thought of your DH.

The thing about him being nice at breakfast - that is because you stood up to him yesterday and he realises he needs to reel you in a bit and keep you compliant. If he was horrible all the time, then the control would not work - after all, you did not fall for an abuser, you fell for a man who had those nice qualities and gradually they were replaced by control. The reason you have stayed is because of the nice qualities, thinking it is your fault that things are not working, because oh what a clever and nice chap he is...

The most eye-opening source for me was Biderman’s chart of coercion which shows that it is a range of techniques which basically monopolise your perception (you are worried about his reaction rather than looking externally) and devalue you.

www.ncdsv.org/images/Chart_of_Coercion1.pdf

When you feel ready, speak to Women’s Aid. Remember leaving is a process, not an event. You have started that process.

KAtysun is correct - its the 70/30 scenario, you live for that 30% of nice that keeps you there for the awful 70%. Womens Aid were an absolute godsend for me and doing the Freedom Programme was a true eye opener. Just because my ex husband didnt hit me I wasnt aware how controlling he was... until I left.

3 years on, I am happy, truly happy, it is a process, a long, hard one but I cannot tell you how much lighter I feel, I have completed a college course, and am about to restart my career.

ExH still tries to control some things - and I have many techniques to deal with him and his nonsense. Getting away was the best thing I did.

But please, PLEASE get your money back, in a secret account if you have to. That was the one thing I didnt plan for and I regret it.

Ooh that music !😃😃😃😃cheered me right up! Ishall hum it while he witters on 😀
Edwina, I hope you are happy.
I’m practicing ‘ grey rocking’ , and refusing to get into a row! It’s incredible - before he’d have gone on and on - until Id got confused and upset, today he actually managed to backtrack and talk rationally...oh. just realising I still felt I had to agree with him or maybe he changed what we were agreeing a bit? Bit odd that. Now I think about it.
Actually Three times today I stood up for what I was doing, ( 3 times? That seems like a lot) and somehow de escalated a row, but somehow I still did what he wanted, as it suddenly didn’t seem so different to what I wanted and maybe we were just not understanding each other.Eh?
He knew he’d pd me off - You guys are giving me the confidence to believe my own thoughts. ( cannot believe I’m writing this. )
He even later said ‘ we seem to rub each other up the wrong way’ is this a new tactic? Like what you said Katysun?
Bugger. I thought I was making progress. Have I been got again?
Today I’m not to cut the hedge because it’s dangerous and I’ll do it wrong but we can’t afford to pay anyone and it’s ok for 6 months and I need to get on with my business.
Total reversal! Felt somehow belittled. Don’t understand why.And annoyed - he tells me not to, but never sorts it himself. Leylandiii too 😐
Actually whatever I want to do,i get an automatic no.
Reading your link Katy. At first I thought, noooo, but now I think omg. Every tick. It’s minor but it’s constant!.
Putting money back! I’ve been putting 30 a week into a savings account to save for family stuff - he’d suddenly spend loads- now he tells me to stop - as it’s not achieving anything as it comes out of the main ac. I think this is controlling too?

Felt belittled re hedge cos he came running out the house frowning and being like a cross idiot telling me to get off the ladder. I had ear defenders and penguins from Madagascar 👍in my head and he did look funny - all red and frowny. I think it was cos I felt like a kid being told off .rather than an adult being concerned for. Is that right? I shouldn’t have to ask, should I. More Lundy!

Omg! It’s all.the.time! Even a meal planner- he wants the same evrery week. Cant be rotated every 2 or 3 weeks. Absolutely no discussion, that’s the way it has to be. I put it down to being a bit stubborn It’s not is it, it’s control.
I’ve been here before- realised...and forgot again. And I now think I’ve done that over and over again.
Thanks for putting up with me x

Keep documenting here all of the incidents.
You then have a written record of his behaviour.

Thanks wee. Might bore you all though!
P.s wee, IF you are interested in hypnosis, I had it for dd. Amazing! Surprised it’s not used more. Can explain more if you would like.

Well done op, you are getting there

Smile and wave boys, smile and wave

Depending on what you want to do, you could try a little thing. Take two or three things you wouldn't mind doing, say mow the lawn or paint the fence, say to him 'I'm thinking if mowing the lawn today' when he says 'no' you could respond 'ok, I'll paint the fence then' if you get a flat no on that too, there's always 'I'll cut the trees down then' surely he can't keep saying no without even him appearing daft. Or you say, 'alright then, you cut the trees' and hand him the ladder 'and I'll mow the lawn'