20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Just go, ffs. Seeing your DM and taking the DC with you is a priority, all the rest is distraction (money, quarantine, school, etc). You need to focus now.

Yes sadly justilou is right.

If your husband thinks mum is on her last legs snd this trip will benefit him financially he will be fine with you going. Try it and see.

Then I hope the penny will really drop as to what you are dealing with. He's managed to keep you all in poverty and unhappiness for years. Is that what you want for your children after the wonderful life you had, that you know exists?

YOU created the wonderful life all those years ago. HE destroyed it. Sure there's been illness and misfortune but isn't it a bit of a coincidence that he's been around??

YOU have talent, and kindness and a soul. He is a dementor sucking them life out of not just you but your children. Going on and on about how poor you are but doing nothing useful. Of course he's 'redundant'. People like that ususlly are.

I remember for me the final tipping point was when someone (a supporter of ex biz partner) said about him "all he does is tear other peoples ideas down. He never has anything positive to contribute, he can only find fault with what other people do" and she was right. He never had an idea or a solution but everyone else's was not right.

Your children can't grow up with that. You can't live like that.

There are people who create chaos in their families' lives just to maintain control over everyone, to keep the attention of spouse and children focused on their emotional state and away from their own best interests.

The spouse ends up run ragged constantly trying to put out fires, constantly stressed about money, deprived of peace if mind, unable to do sensible financial planning or even budgeting for daily needs.

The chaos maker undermines all efforts to improve the situation, grinds the spouse down with criticism, with expectations that are unreasonable and even outright sabotage.

The chaos maker neither leads not follows and 'won't be told what to do' by the sensible party.

Well that went well.
I suggested I’d go on my own for a week for the mri. Though I was getting concerned about dd, she is having a rough time. And of course, another week of falling behind on what I laughingly hope to be a business but seems to be a massive mental block. I am making some progress - an re reading what you said earlier in the thread, very helpful indeed.
The upshot is I’m now utterly confused and apologising.
We do have a lot on. I have just been ther for 31/2 weeks when I told him 1( I was lying, I’d booked 10 days).He has an interview next week that he’s working hard for ( he does something V technically challenging). We are in a fix financially. Ds is probably depressed, dd is convinced she’s got self diagnosed problems off you tube. I am massively behind on my attempt at a business. It would be different if he had a job. We are in danger of losing the house. I told him I need to be able to talk without being anxious about the instant shouting and swearing. I’m aware that he goes from tactic to tactic, but then I Stupidly took a few digs at him. Of course I won’t be going. I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I always do - resigned, confused.

Ok put the house on the market, ask to see all the bank accounts so you have an overview of the true financial situation.

Speak to the mortgage company about extending the term.

Do you actually truthfully know you are in danger of losing the house or is that what is being shouted at you?

TBH I would find somewhere to rent and move out. He makes your life and the DC lives joyless and miserable.

You did do well, though. You made a reasonable suggestion, despite being afraid of his reaction. You also told him you wanted a discussion without being shouted and sworn at. Good. The digs were probably home truths.

Practical questions: as Random says, have you seen all the financial details and have either of you spoken to the mortgage company etc?

Also, is the airline you are booked on still flying to Spain? And will your insurance cover you?

Because it sounds to me like your partner needs to concentrate on a big job interview, your DC need a change of scenery, and your mum is vulnerable and needing support, therefore the travel is essential. What is the material difference whether you do your job in the U.K. or Spain as long as you do it? And he will be able to concentrate on his job?

The arguments which hold water are around whether you would be insured and whether you are flying into an area with outbreaks and whether the travel is essential or not. Because I cannot see how, unless your house is about to be re-possessed, you and the DC remaining in the U.K. next week instead of looking after your mother makes a material difference.

*job interview

Oh my goodness he knows how to play you.

Fuck trying to talk him into it.

Take the children with you for ten days. Do not seek permission.

If he is worried about the money then he can get a stop gap minimum wage job just like you did. No point saying that to him though. Just know it in your own head.

You won't "lose" the house. You will do what many people are doing now. You will call the mortgage company and arrange a payment holiday. You will then call an estate agent to get a valuation of your property. The house goes on the market. You can organise the majority of that without needing his permission or at least minimal cooperation.

At that point you mentally bank your 50% of the equity and look for your own place for you and the kids while finding out what benefits you could get and what CMS he should pay all while seeing if you can upgrade your day job when you get back from your next ten days away. Hello freedom.

Hi OP - have you seen the letter for the “big job” interview. I can’t trust your partner in any way.,I can’t believe any words that come out of his mouth.
Do you actually know the state of the finances. Does he manage them?
Are you on the mortgage. Can you access bank statements. Have you seen any letter about repossession or does he tell you these things.
You need proof. He’s a cruel man to stop you going to see your mother.
He seems to put you under pressure all the time. Nothing you do is right or good enough.
I’d not be surprised your children having issues - how is he with them.
He puts you back in your box and shuts you up. He’s had 20 years of practice.
You are seeing more now.
Your having counselling which is great and your taking advice and input from this website. Keep moving forward.
If you miss a week of work, how much will you lose out financially.
Do what others have said - mum wants finances sorted and you need to be there.
I hope he’s not relying on any family inheritance from your side.
Imagine the miserable sod in 20 years!!!

-I don’t really see how him having an interview is relevant.
-you’re not massively behind on your business, you’ve been caring for your mum and there is a pandemic going on. Not like you’ve been sat around all day wasting time
-your kids sound like they’re struggling and could do with some time away.
-your mum is unwell and you love her.
-who the duck would try to stop someone from seeing their ill mum?
-are you in danger of losing house or has he just said that?
-if you actually are in danger of losing house then a trip to see your mum is a drop in the ocean financially.

OP you have the tickets. The kids need the break. Your mom needs you and your partner is ‘working hard’ and has an interview, so he can do that now with no distractions! All in all it’s perfect timing. Tickets are bought so no point in staying and wasting the money that’s already spent.
Staying at home is going to have zero effect on your financial situation in any shape or form.
He agreed to going to Spain in October, was there going to be a sudden burst of money coming in in the next 3 months? He’s full of shit. Just go, go and have peace of mind that you’re doing the right thing for the people that matter - you, mom and kids. Just put your foot down and tell him it’s happening. Let him spit out his dummy and just go. Nothing you do is going to be right anyway so just do what suit YOU.

I actually wouldn't say any more to him - just grab the kids and go when you are booked to.

He can get a job without you and the kids there in fact it would be better for him. And they need it - they must be at the end of their tether too having spent several weeks with just him.

If you take his concerns at face value and don't assume he's a manipulative arse then he needs to have no distractions to focus on getting a job, and the best way to do that is to not be there.

I realise this is frustrating, but it is not helpful to tell Treated that she does not need to seek permission, because she does, she does need to make the valid arguments about going abroad and taking DC so that their father agrees. She cannot simply pack and take them out of the country.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Their father will have parental responsibility, which means he needs to give permission.

Treated I hope you find peace with the situation if you don’t have the strength to argue this one out right now. We are all saying that you would be reasonable to go, but none of us are in your shoes of having to put the tin hat on and power through when you have had twenty years of having your thoughts and beliefs invalidated and your reason scrambled. Maybe at this point you need to lose the battle to win the war, only you can know. But if you don’t travel, then it should be because you don’t think the time is right and because you are going to put your energy into looking into the financial situation and working out an exit plan. You are in a very, very difficult situation and whatever you do, be kind to yourself. Do not call yourself a wimp or stupid or any of these things you have said upthread. It is quite one thing to recognise a situation is controlling and abusive but quite another to get out of it.

You could tell him that you won’t be able to easily forgive and forget if he stands in the way of you seeing your mother and supporting her when she is ill. That would be the truth.

Have you ever had true sight of H's finances?

I really cannot believe that you are near t brink i of having the house repossessed. That would mean there were serious problems way before redundancy, it would also mean he would have been asking you to get ANY job way before now. Even a few weeks ago he was telling you not to bother!!

He is handing you on a plate a reason to tell him that you don't believe him and he needs to show you all of his savings accounts, mortgage etc.

The only way he won't have savings squirrelled away is if has some habit you don't know about such as web cam services or gambling. If he shows you just his current account and/or joint account ask him where his savings account is... bet he has some ISA and all sorts.

Personally I would plan as if you are going to Spain, if you need your DB to ring up with a crises then engineer that. Taking the DC with you see he can focus on his "big" interview.

Right... Breathe... MAKE IT SUIT HIM!!! He needs to prepare for an interview, you say? It would be much easier without you lot around, wouldn’t it? Then he only has himself to think about. (Like that’s different to any other day....) Pack their bags and yours. Your kids will benefit from change in scenery and sunshine. FUCK OFF OUT IF THAT MAUSOLEUM. Change your flights for ASAP.

What makes you think you are in danger of losing the house?

Has he told you this explicitly and / or have you seen mortgage bills or tax bills, final demands, liens, etc?

You need to phone the mortgage company and find out the true situation.

What better way to keep you stressed than hinting that your finances are in disarray?
What better way to destroy all around him than by actually hanging by a thread?

You need to find out the truth of the finances.

Thanks everyone. Trying to sort out my thoughts..bear with me!
I can’t take kids any longer so that’s unfortunately not an option.
I’m letting all this take over the main issue which is mum.
Bro there atm. In theory I should save my time for when he has to leave. In reality I’d like to support him.
Dh saying I’m needed here. dh has big job interview soon.I’m thinking to support him in this atm - I certainly don’t want to muck up his chances. He has been through crap, and a lot of it. Actually I think he is doing an amazing job considering, and yes, he is extremely controlling which, thanks to you, I finally realise and I need to address.
I guess I can go in a few weeks while kids are at school and he is hopefully on a better path.
Thanks for this out of.
We are all saying that you would be reasonable to go, but none of us are in your shoes of having to put the tin hat on and power through when you have had twenty years of having your thoughts and beliefs invalidated and your reason scrambled
Thanks all of you - finally got out of the pressure of what bro wants and dp wants and guilt at kids..and..am doing what I think is logical. Bloody hell, break though!

Please use his incessant ranting that you are about to lose the house to insist that you are shown all the finances.

Tell him you need to work together to budget and see how long his redundancy money and savings will last etc.

I'm sure what he really means is that he doesn't want to spend his redundancy money and savings on the family, he wants to keep it to himself...

Thanks random!he is super anxious and catastrophises - and uses it of course. I will get Financial /legal advice this week. Gosh epiphany number 2! suddenly feel a lot clearer and calmer now I know what is going on thanks to you all. and..what’s this..thoughts! Coming into my head that arent twisted and poisoned with anxiety! Omg this is an odd feeling - I’m grabbing back a little bit of ..is that...me?! 😁💐💐💐💐thanks so much everyone I really appreciate your help.

What financial information do you have?

Have you got an up to date mortgage statement?

Do you know how much redundancy he got and how much he has in savings? No you aren't entitled to any of it if you split but I am confident that he has plenty of money you don't know about and there is zero danger of it being repossessed it's a way of bullying you.

Because he is repeatedly saying this you have a very valid argument to insist you see his finances after all you are engaged, have 2 DC and he is telling you that you are about to lose the house!!! I think you will be shocked at how healthy HIS finances are. If they weren't he would have been begging you to get a full time job months/years ago.

Are you too afraid to ask for this?

Please speak to your mortgage company and arrange a statement if you don't have access to it on line - if you don't, why not?

My narcissistic ex business partner used to run this game. Or perhaps he genuinely was worried. All I know is that he created massive shit storms of anxiety for other people - he told staff we were going bust, forced a 20% pay cut on them and used it to control everything. We 'couldn't afford' to hire staff to make my life less hectic.

But did he lift a finger, work an extra hour, or do any job apart from the little he was already doing? No.

So I recognise this well. The hysteria, the using it as a weapon. The hiding the actual state of affairs from you. The drawing in other people and creating fear in them.

He left and we were in the worst place ever thanks to him. But I refused to worry or let staff do so. Pay went back up and guess what? Without his salary and negativity we are doing well. He convinced everyone he was the one holding it together - and was proved wrong.

You will be so much better off without him. He could have got a job. He could have done more, he's only doing his interview because he knows he's losing you. He's an energy vampire as they say. Sucking the joy and fun and life out of you and the kids. And now one is depressed - hardly surprising. Where will it end?

Is he asking you to do "the big interview"?

It is really basic OP, to ask to see all financials if he is saying he your home is to be lost.

Do not be fobbed off.
Contact your bank directly.

If he refuses to show you all paperwork etc., it just proves he is taking you for an even bigger MuG.

Why wouldn't you want to know exactly what your financials are if your children are supposedly going to lose their home?

...yes, he is extremely controlling which, thanks to you, I finally realise and I need to address.

Please remember that the only person you can change is YOU. How you frame things, how you respond to what he dumps on you.

You cannot change or manage your H's problems.

@Treatedlikeamaid
When you say 'support' your H before his big interview, what exactly do you mean?
What 'support' does he expect from you?
How do you think he will behave?