20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

TBH you can't address someone who is extremely controlling that is the essence of who you are and you will never exceed in getting them to change their behaviour.

This why you need to completely detach from seeking his approval or agreement to your choices and decisions and why ultimately leaving is the only option for happiness.

He already controls the DC and as they get older it will make them more miserable as they will either comply or leave and never return.

Hi!
Apparently this thread will stop when t gets to 40 pages, so I imagine I’d better say thankyou while I can! I can’t believe it’s got to that, and I also can’t believe how amazingly helpful you have all been.
You have taught me to see what I really couldn’t, and also that I need to work out what I want, and state it clearly...and walk away if necessary. And yes, draw boundaries and yes, get my ducks in place Because I hear what you are saying and I dont want to get sucked In again - because it’s all so, so subtle. I think that’s what makes it so dangerous- you question and doubt what you are hearing, and all the time you are losing yourself.
I’ve taken financial advice As you have all suggested, and am making plans for a new future...so I’ll probably be back being needy some time soon 😀
Thanks for all the book recommendations too. I found why does he do that very good, link below
www.pdf-archive.com/2015/10/21/why-does-he-do-that/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Also wiki how has some surprisingly good stuff, I think- it’s very simple to get. www.wikihow.com/Distinguish-Between-Normal-Marital-Arguments-and-Abuse
Also codependent no more was an eye opener.
I Cant thank you all enough - you’ve gently led me through the fog that I’ve been miserably stuck in for YEARS. I think you are all incredibly brave and strong and very kind to take the time to share your hard worn knowledge. If there’s a way to pay it forward, I will!
Many many thanks, 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐you totally rock!

And yes, random, I totally agree - detach from seeking his approval or agreement to your choices and decisions and why ultimately leaving is the only option for happiness
Many many thanks ❤️

www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationship
As well!

We are all here for you, you can start a new thread

Good for you OP

Wishing you courage, strength, and clarity.

Start a new thread OP - you are great, and things are changing which is FAB

Link us to your new thread so we can continue to support you 😁❤️

Well done OP. I could have written your original post. Escaped, improved my life and now it is wonderful. You're on your way to getting there.

Omg!
Thank you! 💐it’s amazing to know you are there, and so supportive! Getting confidence back, and it’s from you all saying such affirming things.
I’m sure I will,start another thread soonish- though I hope I won’t need to 😏.And It’s amazing to think I could invite you.
Things ARE changing comtesse - finally have some mojo back.
Thanks math anxiety- I love your name- have the same challenge!and you are right - it’s all about how I react...and I ain’t doing the nicely nice thing no more! ‘Should I stay or should I go’ by Bancroft is also a very good learning curve.
Billy, thankyou. You have been a tower of strength with your incisive posts.
And random, you are so full of good sense, thank you.
I have read some of your posts on other threads and greatly admire how much good you all do for people in far worse situations than mine.💐💐💐💐💐💐💐Feel like I’m leaving school! It’s odd !
Quietly looking at rentals this week 😃am taking you all out for a virtual girls night x🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥗🍔🥙🍱🍱🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🥂🥂🥂🥂!

How exciting!

Have you managed to get recommendations of good solicitors? You will have to push through same of the house - I would be surprised if he has enough savings to increase his mortgage and buy you out

Hopefully the child benefit already goes to an account in your sole name? If not change that ASAP. Do not a contribute a penny anymore - broken record "I don't have any money I had to invest for x in my business"

The day you tell him you are leaving phone up CMS and put in a claim and also UC as a single parent - tell them you are leaving him if you are still living in the same house - you are entitled to claim so long as you are living separately, no cooking, cleaning or washing for him!!!

You have come such a long way. Be proud of yourself and the very best of luck 🌷

I have read your thread on and off.
Just reading your most recent posts, and want to say you are a strong woman. So keep harnessing that strength in the right direction for YOU.
All the best.

I have just read all your posts in this thread OP, and I'm sorry for what you've been going through. And I'm impressed at how you are learning and absorbing all the help you have received. And I'm impressed you asked for help in the first place too!

To have a husband who has such a need to keep you down in order for him to feel ok... it all sounds utterly exhausting and draining-it's a complete wonder that you've managed to achieve so much - visiting your mum, staying longer than you'd said, getting a job during a pandemic, keeping your own business going...it just goes on and on! You are clearly a powerhouse that you've been doing all this while your husband has been sabotaging every move you make, even down to how or whether you flour the hedge. I honestly don't know how you have managed to think as straight as you actually have.

I picked up that you are some kind of artist, Instagram, Etsy shop etc. I am also an artist, and I have what I think of as a large following on Insta (20k+) and an Etsy shop too, as well as my website, and Pinterest etc. If I can help you in any way re your art business (like maybe sharing something on Instagram?) please let me know. (Although I may be way off beam here and you may be much more successful than I am )

For me, a husband standing in the way of a person's art is the ultimate no-no. If someone said to me 'you can forget about art' - unthinkable!!!! Because it's who I actually am! Fuck that! No wonder your family don't think much of your dh.

You've only got one life it's not some kind of rehearsal- this is it! and that life is yours. It's yours, not his, ours, theirs.... I wish you all the luck in the world and have a feeling you are going to be ok in the end. But you really need no one getting deliberately in your way - it's really not on.

'flour the hedge.' ?? = CUT the hedge obvs

Wow Treated sounds like a plan is forming. So glad that you are starting to see a way forward. Another voice saying please start a new thread so we can all continue to cheer you on.

Treated’s new thread (hope you don’t mind me linking it).
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3983977-20-years-in-it-s-dawned-on-me

Thanks for the link @Inaseagull