20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

@everythingbackbutyou

I think it's a type! And, possibly something generational at work, his dad grew up during the War and worked in the forces during the 60's and 70's. I think Authoritarian was drummed into them, and they brought their kids up the same way as they'd been brought up.

Which doesn't explain my lovely, docile dad...

you have hit nail on the head- I had a REALLY well paid job that I loved, before kids
And yes with the expectations - his mum did it all and dint ask him to help. And his dad super stressmonkey Funniest memory Is of his dad putting up Xmas tree. All you could see was tree shouting ‘FECK! Feck! Stupid STUPID’ cept snot funny. Should have KNOWN THEN!!!!!!!
‘ it would be convenient if...’ genius as gutterton says!
You all know each other!
Am guessing you’ve all been through this?

Just checking in.... How are you doing? How are things in the house?

Oh thank you, it’s sooo nice of you. Was actually just about to ask for support!
I don’t get it - I just mentioned I’d had a wee bit of good news re business, I mean I know it’s tiny, and it was tiny news, but it gives me the enthusiasm to carry on - and lessens my anxiety. Dh just pours cold water on it. Says I shouldn’t be doing that, but this. He knows nothing about it! And doesn’t ask - and I don’t tell him because this is what happens if I do. Not even sure he knows he’s doing it. My anxiety zooms right up and once again my carefully built up good mood dissolves and it’s sooooooo hard to drag myself up yet again.
Telling myself it’s not me, it’s him, and keeping a file of all the positive comments I’m receiving. I CAN do this. I WILL make an income. Though it seems impossible atm. Groogh. All encouragement and positivity REALLY WELCOME!

Yay! Well done. One step at a time and keep moving forwards.

Just stop telling him. Wait until he asks, then say something vague like 'oh not so bad, still plodding on'.

A lot of it will just be habit on his part, reflexive put-downs. He's never learned how to be nice or a good colleague and now lacks the skills, poor, limited chap. No wonder he hasn't progressed far in his own career, if making people feel good and cultivating contacts are skills he lacks.

Don’t share your successes- they are just opportunities for him to sabotage you

Play him at his own game. Give purposefully bad reviews of what is happening with the business. Make out like you're worried.
Would be agree with you? Or would he airways argue the opposite?
If opposite, he'll encourage you to keep going.....
If agree, switch on him and start saying, 'No, I shouldn't be giving up at the first hurdle! I'm going to give it another few months. That's the least I can do after you helping me out the hours in.... (make him complicit in it!)
Just sit back and watch. Make it a game. He'll never agree with you. Black is white and white is black.
Observe not absorb.

Oh you are brilliant you lot.
Just got in from a walk where I feel something not right but can’t put finger on it...he..reminds ds of something silly I did and that it embarrassed ds ( all his words) don’t think ds thought it was silly at all till dad told him it was. You could see his face change. I try to stand up for myself and suddenly I’m on the wrong foot and I’m creating a scene. How do I handle that?then ds kind of walks with me for a bit, so he’s aware something is up. Then dh says, ‘me and ds don’t think that do we ds?’ ‘ Not like the women in the house’ omg. Just typed that out and it sounds misogynist and awful. And bullying. he says he’s just being funny. I’m being over sensitive.
But it’s like you say lottie - I really think it’s just crap learning.
You are right keite
Just, that’s genius! Will absolutely do this and see!
Thanks so much. It all sounds so minor, but it feels very draining x

Hi OP,

Is there any way that you can "zone out" when he talks to you, so that his words have minimum/no effect on you?

Nothing he says seems to be constructive or well-meaning, so what do you have to lose?

If he questions your lack of reaction, you could just say "Sorry, busy thinking about the business", or something similar.

As it doesn't look as though he is every likely to change or improve, are you planning to move on from him at some point soon?

It sounds as though you would be a lot happier!

Good luck!

Thanks zorba, yes don’t know why it affects me so much. Learning not to.
Yes, I am. We should probably never have been together.
Doing a lot of reading of Lundy et al. Puzzling it out.
Thanks

Never apologise, never explain.

It's pretty terrible advice for life as a whole but when dealing with someone like this, there's something in it.

Never accede to being 'put on the back foot'. Say something that shows his remarks slide off you, like water off a duck's back and toss his remarks back to him, gently, in a 'here, you catch this one' (not a challenging 'bat it back as hard as you can!') way. So something like 'Oh, do you think so DH? Hmm, ah well, there you go'.

Just smile OP

I'd have the penguins from Madagascar film in my head 'smile and wave boys, smile and wave'

If you bite, which is what he wants, you'll just end up looking unreasonable. By ignoring or smiling you take away his control.

That is a very good point. The moment you engage, what was one person picking on another, becomes two people having an argument. The one who's more upset usually 'loses'.

What @copycopypaste said

Thanks. Just been told to ‘step up ‘ aibu to get a surge of anxiety at this? Think I pretty well do step up, actually. Sorry, know I’m being petty. Think Covid is getting to me. Madagascar on full volume!

You are his scapegoat... and his salvation. That's what he wants from you. Impossible, of course.

Be your own salvation

Yeah, being told to step up would make me anxious too. My current partner wouldn’t do that. My ex would have though. One of the many reasons he’s an ex.

You’re not being petty. Your husband is being rude and disrespectful.

Thanks soo much cards and lottie.
Omg lottie, you are right! Just realised he’s always wanted me to look after him, cos he works so hard, yet have a job he thinks is worthy. Trouble is, I turn into an anxious rabbit in the headlights and can’t focus.
I need to if I’m going to be my own salvation. And I jolly well am.
Thanks cards. It’s very helpful to know that - very hard to know what’s up and what’s down. Reading ‘the abuser profiles’in relationships - don’t know how to link) how useful is that!! And rest of Lundy book.
But Just realised I don’t want to focus on understanding him, well , a bit so I can see what’s happening, but it takes all my energy. I need to focus on my own mental state to get on with setting up this business. Then I can fleeeeee!
Seeing a hypnotherapist later to help with ridiculous anxiety. Will report back if it’s useful!

Would be keen to find out if it helps.
Good luck

Hi wee! Well it kind of helped -it was coaching and eft, shame, I like a good old trance, me!
Anyway I felt all Clear thinking and made some major progress..stupidly shared with him, and yup, he picked it to pieces. Should have remembered what you guys said, instead of blind optimism that he’d be pleased. I could feel all the good stuff unravelling and was left feeling anxious and stupid, though very much aware it’s his crap now, which is good.
Am not at all sure how to go about leaving. Though it’s kind of crossing my mind. It’s like a thought I can’t quite see.

Am not at all sure how to go about leaving.

Methodically. Putting your ducks in a row. Keeping your powder dry.

Remember, knowledge is power. So....... educate yourself:

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies, Which Guide to Divorce etc.
Collect and copy every scrap of financial information, including tax returns and pension statements (pensions are VERY valuable!)
Find a competent family solicitor.

One step at a time. You can do this!

This is the first time I’ve read a thread about an abusive arsehole of a man and all op are saying is how to deal with him, where’s the LTB??
OP I don’t know why you would stay with a man who has dragged you down at every opportunity for 20 years, set yourself free, go, be happy without this brain numbing nasty fucker.

*pp not op

He's using tactics on you. The book I recommended to you had some great explanations of how manipulators work. Read Chapter 4. It'll help you see what's happening. Here's a little example - it might help you see why you hey that rabbit in the headlights feeling and why he's suddenly (and conveniently) depressed and using it to excuse his behaviour.

"The motivation for deflecting blame is not just to make the target woman feel bad about herself. It also has the effect of getting her to look in the wrong place for an explanation as to why she is unhappy. Instead of clearly examining the behaviour of her abuser against her own sense of right and wrong, she begins to review her own behaviour and her inability to be good enough. While most kind people have a high capacity for forgiveness, they reserve that talent for others and condemn themselves to judgement and criticism. This tendency to be harsh on themselves is fuelled by their abuser until they are constantly self-critical of their ability to relate to him. One of the long-term effects of this tactic is that the target woman begins to quieten the voice of her own instinct. She becomes unclear about her definition of events and behaviours. She will think thoughts which will undermine her view of what is right and wrong. She will begin to question what her intentions are when she is accused of upsetting her abuser. Very often we will hear her tell us that what appeared to her to be a simple remark will be blown out of all proportion and become a weapon with which she is attacked. So gradually she will come to distrust her own analysis and accept that the abuser may be right in how he sees things. Because he has managed to ignore his behaviour and concentrate on his explanations, he will find it easy to deflect blame to her or to some external influence. Having a short fuse, being paranoid, being depressed or being socially inept are some of the explanations I have been given for the bad behaviour. These explanations are presented as though they are entities that are beyond the control of the man. They may be difficult to control but they are not to blame for the constant abuse.*

Sorry, the opening sentences should have been inbold too...

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21