20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Do you do the lion's share of the housework and child rearing? Do you think that he fears that, should you become successful/really caught up in your business, he will be expected to step up more and do housework etc, or other tasks which he feels are beneath him?

My XH tried to prevent me from going to London for a meeting with a Head of Network, because he was terrified that I'd be taken on as a scriptwriter and he would have to become an equal partner at home. Up until then his sole responsibility was to go to work. He did NOTHING around the house or with the children, and he liked the status quo the way it was. If I'd become successful on TV he would be expected to do more. I got to London, but he made sure I never really had time to invest in my writing career (or 'your little hobby' as he called it). Does any of this sound familiar?

Omg zaphod, spot on.

Gosh thanks all.
justtryingtobehelpful.
I reckon you’ve succeeded. That is a good list of books. And a lot of good comments from you all. Thank you, suddenly I feel supported and a lot less anxious.

Thanks just.
Yes, I spot patterns then lose them again. it’s nothing like as aggressive as the examples I’ve seen online. Or in the bit of Lundy I’ve skimmed so far. So I question and doubt myself.hes nice! He’s stressed, he’s trying so hard. He’s also the other stuff. I’m very glad you are all pointing stuff out to me.
It’s like now he’s made me anxious he can cheer up. No one would do that.surely. ?

Zaphod, I’ve been combing the internet for an examplethat could fit him, and yours is exactly it. Exactly. Even down to the not doing ANYTHING’because I’m working’.
Omg, that’s it.
It’s all organised so I do all the boring stuff. Then get criticised for not having an amazing job. Then He makes it sooo difficult to get to an evening course.
My Skills - just like your writing- are considered a waste of time, I can ‘forget about it’.
I had no idea. Or I did, but not consciously.
Blooming heck.
Jolly well done for getting to London. Really well done because I can imagine what a struggle it was.
Thanks guys.

But don’t stop commenting! I’m feeling more in control thanks to you, but all tips welcome.

Its really about him needing attention from you. Just notice that. Is this how it goes... You are busy doing something. He comes in. You ignore him. He starts going on about something, worrying oh, I am so stressed etc, what a terrible day I had. He makes you feel sorry for him to get you to attend to him.
Once he gets your attention, he goes off happy and you are left holding a ball of anxiety and then find yourself furious.
So its not that he's anxious, he may just use coming across as anxious because that's an effective trigger to get you to notice him.

Lundys participants were very high level abusers. Some arent as bad as others. But when it comes down to it they are all selfish. And that just doesnt work in a partnership.

Yes, agree. They also like to be able to control your emotions. In that state, you're thinking about the anxiety instead of getting in with your own life.

Use here to document what happens. We will help you analyse it and give you ideas on how to deal with it.

TBH, I've read some of your other parts and your husband doesn't sound very nice. However, in this post, you've shifted from worrying about what to do about him to realising he's causing your anxiety. The scales are falling from your eyes. Once seen, you can't unsee it! You're coming out of the F.O.G. ( fear, obligation & guilt). That's the mire you've been held in. That's how he keeps you off balance, never sure what to do, doubting yourself.

I bet he tells you he'd like you to be more decisive and own your decisions. While, at the same time he, saying things to make you don't yourself as well as putting down any attempts to be your own woman.

Go Grey Rock on him. Work away at your business. You've been told it's a good viable idea and it's already made money. Placate him and do what it is you need to do to get your business going!

Check this out
www.alturtle.com/archives/172

Seaweed, that’s it, yup.
We also only talk about his stuff. He doesn’t ask me how it’s going.

Just now I asked him to turn the radio off - World news is too much atm. Was shocked that he raised his voice, swore then told me I lived in a bubble and I’m bringing up the kids to not listen to the news.
I immediately felt stupid and wrong ..do I live in a bubble? . But I kept calm and repeated that I wouldn’t put up with swearing. He denied he had sworn, but actually apologised.
In the past I think he would have kept arguing until I was in tears ( only way to stop him going on). I would start to think he had a point.
then he’d forget all about it so I would too.
Now I’m not upset, well I am - I’m beginning to get faked off, because what you are all saying rings true and is quite an eye opener.
Also seen a thread where people are saying nice things that their husband s do.
Re reading this it doesn’t sound great.

Thanks just! I ,really appreciate the tim ey ou are taking to write.

bet he tells you he'd like you to be more decisive and own your decisions. While, at the same time he, saying things to make you don't yourself as well as putting down any attempts to be your own woman
He says exactly that - says he has three children apparently.

Going to read link And get back to you - it looks Very good.
Thank you

He sounds awful OP. You sound like you would be so much happier by yourself, able to do what you want without fear of being caught out.

That’s reason to leave.

It sounds like he’s threatened by the possibility of you gaining increased independence, confidence, esteem, success. He may not be consciously aware of this himself.

@Treatedlikeamaid

”It’s like now he’s made me anxious he can cheer up. No one would do that.surely. ?”

Again, this might be a pattern of behaviour (offloading uncomfortable emotions onto you) that he isn’t consciously aware of but serve a purpose for him emotionally. I think Oliver James writes about this in his book “How Not to F* Them Up”.

@Treatedlikeamaid

After I divorced him, I became a successful writer. I am one now. Don't ever let a man hold you back from your ambitions because of his own fears of inadequacy.

Grey rock is NOT doable whilst living with an abuser tbh. It is only really useful when brief contact is occurring. Eg: you have separated but have to drop off and pick up the kids and someone else cant do it that day.

OP mentioning how he goes on and on until she is in tears illustrates perfectly why grey rock is not practical as abusers do not tend to stop until they get the reaction they want from us.

The only thing to do is to get the feck out of there as fast as possible. Ideally without them having a clue you were planning to leave in the first place.

One more question! Long, I’m afraid.
Whenever I looked for work, odd things happened,
He thought teaching wasn’t good enough, made it very hard to go to maths lessons -‘I’m too tired to put the kids to bed’ etc.
I tried to purseuede him, then lost the will Then he says, be a teacher! Ok! I’ll apply
Then he says, a years training? We can’t afford that.
( I don’t get in anyway)
.he says.. I should find something to retrain in. He’s not paying for training.
Part time as an adult art teacher. Remember thinking I felt like an abused woman!the shouting. I didn’t have the courage to take the job.
The most ironic one was the yelling if I tried to post on social media, then I got an interview with a massive sm company, and of course I had nothing to show.
Recently I was posting cartoons. He told me not to waste my time as they weren’t bringing in money. So I stopped. How stupid am I? Part lack of confidence, part not wanting to go against him.Then I got a commission from them. He’s delighted He now denies he said to stop.
Yet all he wants is for me to earn. He fills me with such terror about our prospects and how much I need to earn that I’m an anxious wreck.tells me I’m sleepwalking into disaster.Psyching myself up to do some of my little business. It just seems an immense struggle and pointless. I have no future am frozen in terror.
Every day is a struggle to find my mojo. Just some encouragement would be so helpful.
Thanks for listening

Thanks zaphod. And we’ll done you x.Am realising from above post that’s what’s happening Realised am putting off doing lots because on some level nervous of his reaction. Ridiculous! Exhausting!

Mine was very much the same Treatedlikeamaid. He told me I didn't pull my weight, I was lazy (looking after five kids, and doing EVERYTHING, from holiday planning to cleaning, homeschooling two of the children (one had behaviour problems, one was ill), all the driving, cooking, cleaning...) then he got a job working away, came home once a fortnight for a weekend. No real consultation, no 'how will you manage?' he just decided he wanted it and did it.

That was my turning point, that and realising that I could manage the children without him.

But he'd made me frightened to go against him. He was authoritarian and 'man's word goes'. I just had to learn to ignore him. To say 'well, that's your opinion, you are entitled to it' whilst doing my own thing!

When you live with an emotional abuser, nothing you do will ever be right. So you run round in circles thinking ‘maybe if I just do this, he’ll be happy with it. What about this, or this, or this?’ But he’ll constantly wrongfoot you because it’s not about what you do, it’s about keeping you undermined and unsure of yourself. Also, making sure you think that he has all the answers and so look to him. He doesn’t have all the answers. He’s not all knowing. To me, you sound very reasonable, intelligent, ambitious and creative.

I lived with a partner for 20 years and I felt all kinds of discomfort unhappiness and confusion with the relationship and with his behaviour towards me (and mine to him). I tried to leave several times but he would reel me back in plus I was a coward. We had DC together.

When I finally left omg the bliss that intermingled with the sorry and terror! A year on, I cannot believe I put up with him for 20 bloody years! We get on really well now and our issues were not the same as yours, but my point is that I be thing that happens as a result of chronic relationship stress and self doubt, is the incredible invisible loss of self confidence, self love, and clear boundaries. You perhaps are not seeing the wonderful life you could have without him. You're fears and self doubt are holding you stuck in place.

Looking back I spent years, YEARS, going round and round the same misery trying to find a solution. That solution was to break up and to find myself. Good luck you can do it

Gosh I love you mns!
Strength and sharing just as I need it! Zaphod, you are amazing, and brave.
well, that's your opinion, you are entitled to it must remember this.
Twisty, thanks for the boost. That’s exactly what I’m doing..
Hms too. You are both right, I am running around to please. And fears and self doubt are definitely keeping me stuck.
I’m suddenly realising a lot! I need to be more efficient at getting my things are possible hat on. I waste days feeling useless and lost, after id spent so long getting strong and capable.
Oops gotta go xxx

Can’t believe he refers to you as a child “I have 3 children” indeed. What a patronising arse. You are very evidently a grown adult who is capable and articulate. It’s like he needs to grind you down to make him feel better about himself.

That’s what it feels like. Thank you, amazed at how I’m drinking in your confidence building comments welcome like water in a desert! I thought that was mad, but am busy reading books posted earlier. Eye opening.

You are not mad but for some twisted reason he wants you to feel like you are crazy. Could it be that he is projecting all his fear and shame and rage onto you - he can’t cope with his own feelings? These are not the actions of a kind, healthy person.