20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Booked flights! Now have to tell him. I can move flights to October hols if I need to. It’s just one week now on the 30th so a week of tantrums. as prices have gone up stupidly. But I have spent More time worrying about him and this morning being anxious and typing this...thanks for your support.

Try to get the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I recognise what you are going through. Some of it is your pattern of behaving too. You blame him for making you go to his sister that time, but you 'allowed' that situation to arise. You met his needs first and couldn't help yourself to not do that. Codependency comes from our own upbringing too. We learn it when we see our mothers do it or we had a very difficult parent we needed to control by meeting their needs and preempting and heading off conflict. It takes your voice and keeps you feeling like a child.

I am the exact same with my DH that's how I know. The fog of inertia and feeling controlled even when he isn't really stopping me doing anything. Like you get to the point where you aren't capable of even choosing where to hang a picture, because the pros and cons rob you of the simple pleasure of that.

OP,

You are NOT married to this man.

You can get away.

If he starts talking about money, suggest selling the house asap.

He will shut up.

He wants to keep you trapped.

You are so lucky NOT to be married to him.

You are so focused on your own fear, your mother and children do not get a look in.

Try thinking about them and how much it would mean to them if you found the strength to stand up for them.

Thanks Sadie have just bought it. That’s exactly how I feel too. Nice to know am not going mad! Was so anxious about telling him re Xmas all he had to do was look puzzled and cross and say sister be upset and I caved instantly. Guessing because xmas before it got v nasty and his dad phone up too.
Now am adding brother to the mix of worries - will dp be cross? Will bro be cross? Bro said don’t bring kids, it complicates things. But to me it means I can come out for one more week and be there for MRI scan. I get in such a ridiculous muddle omg I’m trying to keep everyone happy. I’m textbook!

Ultimately OP this is your decision, not your partners, not your brothers, yours.

Your DM wants to see her grandchildren, you want them to see her while she is still able to recognise them and spend some quality time together. That is perfectly reasonable and right. Have faith in your decision and as much as disapproval can be uncomfortable know that you are being a strong person who won’t have to live with the regret of not doing what you felt was the right thing.

In regards to him wanting you back to work on your business, in reality he will really want you to -

1. Take over the housework and cooking
2. Massage his ego about job hunting and give him lots of positive reinforcement.
3. Endure constant interruptions throughout the day with minor issues (remember printer ink, company on walks and trips to the supermarket?) that will derail your productivity. Then he will undermine you by saying you aren’t working hard enough.
4. He misses his whipping post, he has no one to vent his spleen at. As he disagreed with you going you can guarantee the first week back would be full of fake illness, emotional torment about how the kids have missed you and shouting.

Stay where you are, be firm and get the kids over. An extended break from him is ideal at the moment. You are managing one of the most emotionally difficult times in anyone’s life. Losing a parent is hard, you know not to expect any support from him.

But you are managing, you are competent and you are getting the care that your mum so desperately needs sorted out.

Try to focus on the positives of what you are doing and enjoy the time you have with your mum as much as you can. Park him and his fuckwittery in a brain box and only allow yourself a set time each day to take it out and think about him. For the rest of the time if thoughts intrude try to take some deep breaths, settle your mind and consciously shove them all back into the box. Give your mind a rest and focus on what really matters at the moment, your lovely mum.

Financially have you looked into benefits at all? You should qualify for universal credit as your job is low paid and he has no income. It does depend on the amount of savings that you have but as soon as you are dipping under the threshold I would apply.

Also mortgage companies are still offering payment breaks so that is worth considering.

You need to start using his words against him in writing and stop asking his permission. It sounds weak.

“I’m bringing the kids over to see mum while she can still remember them. You’ve said yourself you’re not coping with looking after them while I’m away, that you feel bad they are having a boring summer and it’s distracting you from job hunting or working on your business. A week in the sun will be ideal for the kids and will mean you can really focus on job hunting.”

What word does he throw at you in arguments? Throw it right back at him. E.g. if he calls you selfish, say “It’s really selfish of you to deny the kids a week away”.

If it’s that he implies you can’t cope, “I’m really surprised you can’t cope for a week, I though you’d be better than that”.

The words he throws at you are often the words he fears directed at himself. Obviously he’s has 20 years to hone exactly which words and tone land with you and get a reaction, but listen and throw them back. Think of it as holding up a mirror.

And I do mean put these things in writing. You know he doesn’t play fair, so you need to start building your evidence trail.

Imagine the emails / messages being read by a judge who is deciding how much time the kids spend with you. You need to be able to show he is inconsistent, bullying and unreasonable in your correspondence.
Maybe it won’t come to that. But be prepared and start getting written evidence now.

Make sure you highlight his inconsistencies “you said you can’t cope with kids, so why would you say they can’t have a week visiting my mum?”

He won’t respect you for playing fair, and he certainly won’t be fair. Always assume that given the choice between doing the decent or kind thing, or something to hurt you, he would choose the latter.

You can do this.

mycatismadeofstringcheese has some good lines in there - great to rehearse. “It’s really selfish of you to deny the kids a week away”. brilliant.

One I thought of was the ever useful 'Id really rather not discuss this right now as it just ends up in a row' then walk out unless he shuts up immediately. I used to walk out on ex biz partner & he learnt a small amount of self control as he thought I was just skivving & hated that more than he hated having to watch his tongue. Walk out & leave him to finish whatever it is you are doing & go for a walk. Its quite fun once you get used to it! Good practice too.

Or 'I explained this already & its not up for debate Im afraid'.

But turning his words on him ultimately is the best thing to do - these are just fillers for when you cant think what to say.

"We will just have to disagree on that" is another one. His opioid not more valid than yours!

Hello!
Thank you all. I really really value your support.
Have just talked to counsellor re epiphany post. After some groundwork she Basically said what I suspect you all know - Ive landed myself in a coercive, controlling relationship. Where you gradually lose your sense of self and doubt everything. It’s taken You, my brother, my mum, a charity chap, and probably the postman to all tell me - what I couldn’t see. Thanks very much. In a bit of a shock and Worse, need to pack to go home.
I’m mainly concerned that I’ve screwed up my life, well, 20 years of desperately trying not to be miserable, but am very concerned at the effect on the children.
The wonderful poster - who said this visit would help drop the scales was right! And all your patient reinforcement and pointing out behaviour that I could not see.
My goodness mumsnet is amazing.

That’s awesome @Treatedlikeamaid! So glad the fog has lifted, now you’ve seen it you can’t unsee it.

There is no point in regretting the past, it gave you 2 wonderful children. The future is the thing to focus on, how to strengthen your self esteem and make steps to make the next 20 years a new happier life.

You have decades to enjoy living and enjoying it with your DC!

💐thank you. Bit of overwhelm going on atm x

The past doesnt matter - the children are young enough to benefit! As are you! You are about to be FREE!!!!!!!!!!

It happens to the best of us dont beat yourself up. Just when you mentioned how he gets so angry you just back down, I though 'oh gosh yes I do remember that now'. Then the bringing in of reinforcements. Ugh.

So, re packing - you dont have to take everything back do you? After all you will be all there again soon. Might as well have extra room in your suitcase for more shoes & dresses. Think of it as your Spain wardrobe!

Just read thread.

This jumps out to me as spot on

You need to start using his words against him in writing and stop asking his permission. It sounds weak.

“I’m bringing the kids over to see mum while she can still remember them. You’ve said yourself you’re not coping with looking after them while I’m away, that you feel bad they are having a boring summer and it’s distracting you from job hunting or working on your business. A week in the sun will be ideal for the kids and will mean you can really focus on job hunting.”

I bet it’s overwhelming. That’s ok though. Totally normal reaction. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.

Well done on booking the flights (I smiled when I read that bit).. You sound like you’re living on your nerves, which is very draining.
Try now to remove yourself from him emotionally. ie stop making excuses for his behaviour ‘he’s working really hard’ and ‘he’s being nice’. The truth is that he’s a self serving wombat who only has his own interests at heart.
I also raised an eyebrow when you revealed that he was the only one made redundant - that seems extremely unusual. Let the scales fall from your eyes, seems like you’re nearly there x

@Treatedlikeamaid are you travelling home today? Hope you are ok?

Thanks zoflora.and all.
Counsellor said tell him you’re not happy ASAP. If he says,’oh no what can I do’ that’s good, if he gets cross etc, it’s a bad sign.
But I want to find out legal position as you have all suggested before I say anything.
He’s being v nice and had a big job chat that seemed to go well.
Am Ridiculously nervous at saying I want to go back w kids for a week. Re reading this for encouragement. Getting myself in a state.
Re reading Bancroft and codependent no more which is a massive eye opener, thank you!
Mum repeating herself a lot on the phone. I’m really upset about her and aware that every bloody holiday with her I’m anxious about Dp. So that I muck up the holiday. Even now. Even to the point where driving dB Away. How mad am I?
Just want anxiety to go and the occasional clarity to stay in my mind!
Thanks

You’re not mad. Not at all. I’ve seen no indication of that. Trust yourself.