20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

Omg thanks out of. And random. And all of you.
I think I’ve just had the epiphany you spoke of.
He’s had flu. He’s played the kids missing me crap. There’s cute gifs and twattery - if I’ve said what he wants. But just realised there’s never any discussion, just him immediately getting cross and working himself to a self justified rage. You can hear it in his voice. Unless I massively back down .He actually said, ‘ and you’ll leave me on my own for a week’
I Think that’s the sentence that has finally done it. I’m watching mum finally paint a picture ( which she loves) she doesn’t realise she’s painting over one of mine. And he can’t cope with being on his own for a week.
should have recorded the conv to keep me strong. I’m posting here instead. You are right. Bro and I fall out but discuss and it’s funny. We do diy and say ‘well done’ ‘looks good!’ to each other. We don’t say,’why did you do that?’ In patronising aggressive tones.
You are all right. I’ll Never get anything happening with this bubbling away in the background. I’m trying now and I can hear voices in my head saying, ‘that’s wrong! Why are you doing it like that?’

Taking notes here so I don’t get sucked in again.
Thanks for all your patience and observations.
Will stop before I rant.

Hi OP I’ve just read the thread, what an awful situation with your mum. In regards to your relationship it seems to me that you are probably existing in a constant state of adrenal overload, your fight or flight response is stuck in freeze mode.

It is profoundly unhealthy to live in such a toxic relationship, it sounds like you can never relax, never stop being attentive to his moods, needs and pettiness.

The only area you have agency over is yourself and your choices, you could bend yourself into a pretzel and he would complain it wasn’t the right shape, someone else could do it better etc etc

Constant dripping tap of disappointment and negativity.

Your dc and mum have very limited time in which to see each other (and they haven’t for a year) until your mum deteriorates and is no longer able to recognise them and may display behaviours that they find upsetting. If you miss the window of opportunity for this it will be devastating for you and them.

Read back through this thread and you will see that this is like a hamster wheel - You are constantly cycling through different emotional states and they are all directly related to him and how he is feeling/behaving. You have no emotional energy left for yourself or your dc.

It’s easy to sit here and say leave, it’s incredibly hard to do it in real life. But you can do it if you choose to, you can choose to take control of your life and create a happier, peaceful one of your own making. I did and went from someone on top dose AD’s and therapy to medication free and much happier. Ultimately it’s your choice, my dd is far far happier in a home without tension and arguments and I am a better parent.

One last thing, in your post you said ‘we have to get jobs’, does that mean you have lost your new job?

One other thing that strikes me is how invested he is in keeping you convinced that you are incompetent and basically breaking you in order for him to feel superior. He is a horrible man, I truly hope that you realised on your time away that life doesn’t have to be like this. The most important things in a family and a relationship aren’t about being successful and having money (although that helps!) it’s about sharing the good time’s and the bad, respect, humour and above all kindness to each other. Home should be a sanctuary not a battleground.

He is so so so horrible!!!

He can't be on his own for a week - FFS most parents would be thrilled to get a week or two home alone a holiday from parenting.

I wouldn't be beyond your brother phoning up a few days after you are back "Mum has had a crisis, you need to come back - I've booked tickets for you and the DC" seriously make it utterly unreasonable for him to dare to say no.

Every time he objects you say "So you are refusing the DC and I the opportunity to spend time with my disappearing and dying Mum"

The voices telling you how shit you are can often also be depression (which is just constant over thinking, shame and hopelessness). Of course yours is situational but it's a kind of chicken and egg thing.

Until the inertia goes you can't make it better. Until it gets better you won't feel differently. Unbelievably those online depression tests are very accurate. Have a look and if it resonates then going to the GP could be a good move - meds do work.

Just don't get stuck where you are because then you can tolerate it more. That would be awful,

Truly horrible man.

Suggest selling the house.
Get your share.
Get the hell away.

Goodness knows how long you have your mum for.

Don't have regrets OP.
They will truly haunt you.

You are a lovely woman, it would be so awful to have regrets.

@Treatedlikeamaid, I am rooting for you so much! I think you are well on your way to freedom, even though I understand it feels like wading uphill through quicksand. Reading about your phone calls with 'd'h is just like being a fly on the wall of my recent past. The tactics he is using are so familiar and, if you are anything like me, being accused of selfishness or lack of caring is the 'hot button' that sends you into guilt. I was always so muddled and weighed down that in the end I had to get out first and plan later. It's impossible to think when someone is dictating what can or cannot happen, what we can do, what we can afford (and by 'we' it was always based on him only).

@Zofloramummy, @Vodkacranberryplease and @RandomMess all put much better what I am trying to say and what has been true in my experience!

Reply : “but I already got a job. In the middle of lockdown too. Plus I’m working on my business. Don’t blame me for your redundancy. I have already stepped up my financial contribution - when is it your turn?” Get angry, he is behaving so badly.

Dear zoflora, I certainly am in a state of adrenal overload - always anxious, doubting myself which causes more anxiety. Can’t think straight.Am delighted for you to be happier and off meds very very well done. 💐😀
One other thing that strikes me is how invested he is in keeping you convinced that you are incompetent and basically breaking you in order for him to feel superior
I know I’m still in a fog - what is happening that makes you write this? I can see him wanting me home to be the housewife, how is he making me feel incompetent?..oh right, one way is implying my business stands no chance without my friend helping..Or him helping.
I still have job but it’s project based and pin money really, not enough to live off. He congratulate s himself on helping me get it .
Thanks vodka. Have noticed depression creeping up. It’s from being frozen In fear and stuck think.
Thanks billy. Thanks everything - that’s exactly it. I’m very very glad you escaped. Well done You ladies are soo strong.💐to you too!
Comtesse. If I get angry, he will get angrier. He will keep going . I will try reasoning, Talking, crying, It won’t stop until I’m crying and agreeing. It’s the only way to stop it. Now I know to say,’not having this’ and walk out.And for that you need energy and courage of your convictions.
I’m soo emotionally drained atm.
Every time I visit mum it’s soooo hard. And now I guess I’m conditioned to it
I m going round and round- what’s fair? He isn’t lazy he is looking for work, he works very hard and is working very hard and struggling with de motivation ( he was the only one redundant in his office) and is working very hard to get some papers filed that may lead to something. I’m sitting on my ass moaning about him, and not getting anywhere very fast. ID love to come back w kids, I’m scared of the fallout. I know that’s ridiculous
He seems to think we can come in October and it will be a holiday. I don’t even want him to come. He’s been once and made such a fuss ( yelled) cos I’d hired a car, had to put him on insurance, yelled at me how to drive , made us waste a day looking at flights because there would be a storm. Moaned cos I talked to mum.
Ugh.

I’m such a wimp, but I need your help.
Should I send this? After yesterday’s cross ness he called back but I couldn’t face it.
Hi, I have been thinking very hard about you and the kids which means I haven’t really been here for mum.theres still a lot to do and bro can do a lot but I need to step up too. I would like to bring the kids out as it’s maybe the last time they see granny. She may not recognise us in October and if she does we will be dealing with carers and homes. It’s not fair to leave all this to bro and it’s v distressing for me. I will work on business here. I understand we have a lot of problems, we will have more if mum dies and I haven’t seen her. I already missed visiting her at Xmas For your sister And family, which I deeply regret as she wa 87 and on her own. I also regret missing February when she had no electricity or phone and you asked me to not come because of Your redundancy, both times I would maybe have spotted how quickly she is deteriorating.
There are currently flights on the 30for 7 or 10 days. The princes are rising. Thank you..

Should you send it? HELL YEAH!!

But... without the thank you. And instead with perhaps the following

So, I've decided after much reflection that this is done thing I need to do, and so will be flying back long before October. (Or if you think you can I'd give a date and say flights are booked just be careful cause that gives him a window to fuck things up).

Then something like
In the meantime you can focus your full attention on the job market and perhaps get something a little best less permanent or full time without having the kids to look after.

SEND IT

Well quit believing his lies!!

He did everything possible to stop you getting that job and stop you working on your own business.

You are not on holiday, you are caring for your Mum and putting her affairs in order - you would support him doing that for MIL!

He moans about the DC so you are offering to give him 24/7 peace and quiet to focus on himself. You could even batch cook so all he has to do is reheat.

You need to be factual, October is too late. Mum is deteriorating rapidly and she wants to see the DC now, there is still stuff to resolve that can't wait until October.

Quite frankly I would tell him you don't believe him about October that he will use same excuse of £ then. Besides Mum is paying for your flights for August not October.

He is a BULLY a nasty, manipulative, abusive bully who gives no shits about you, your DM or the DC only himself.

There is no valid reason for you not to come back with the DC in August, only that he wants you back under the thumb to bully to make himself feel better...

Oh and he was the only one redundant in his office Let me give you a hint he wasn't made redundant. He was fired because he either was difficult or not doing his job. It's just do difficult to fire people redundancy has a lot less comeback.

My ex business partner always appeared to be working hard. It was comical. He would rush in make a big fuss, bang away on his keyboard and calculator, fire questions at everyone and at 2.30 on the dot pick up his bag and walk out muttering about going to the bank etc.

People who are arrogant and controlling do not play well with others. They are not good employees. They may be clever and even talented but they are hard work.

X posts.

No "thank you" you state - this is what is happening...

Do you have the DC passports numbers to book the flights? I would get hold of them and book the flights tbh.

Take out the "would like"

Make us statements

The DC need to come out and see Mum.... it will give the opportunity to focus on applying for work (and other such stuff)

Not you would like to bring them out...

It needs to be assertive and dictating to him what is happening not that you need his permission to do it.

And why the fuck can't he get a job doing something menial?

And is this the business he told you would fail? I though he had a Big And Important business project of his own???

Honestly if he was any more full of it he would be a sewer pipe - maybe even a whole blocks worth.

Thanks. Ridiculously nervous. He wants me back to work on my business as we are in trouble. All I’m really doing is focussing on him. Exhausting. No wonder bro fed up.

Don’t ask him anything, just state what you have decided to do.
Don’t batch cook. If he hasn’t learnt to look after himself (cos he has had you do it all) that is his problem. Put your energies in to you, your children and your business.

@Vodkacranberryplease

Exactly, that twat was gotten rid of at the first opportunity.

The only one let go???

Always the person that they want out of the place asap.

OP, just 'cos he tells you he works so hard does NOT make it true.

If he had been a hard worker and a productive colleague, he wouldn't have been let go.

He is a horrible mean man, who pours all his energy into terrorising YOU.

His company were well rid of him.

You managed to get a job during Covid and are working on a business despite this prick in your ear every minute of the day.

You are the strong one.

If only you could allow yourself to break free.

Oh! And definitely no Thank you’s!

Yeah, you can send it, but what is your plan when he says no? Because he will say no, because your note is a blather of fear, excuses and attempts to appease him.

Stop begging him to agree with you or be nice to you. He won't. Ever.

Why don't you say "I have decided that I am going to take the kids to see their granny now rather than when it is too late. Flights are from x to x. We can also go over in October if you want to join us for a further family visit at that time."

Look, he is going to be shit and angry whatever happens. That you need to address at a later date, although the only response to a tantrum should be to remove yourself from him whenever he starts. By appeasing him you are condoning his behaviour and also encouraging it.

You can bring stuff back with you to work on your business, the last thing you need is his "help" with it!!!

Remember it's your business, he wants to stick his oar in so that he gets the glory and continues to beat you down by saying how rubbish it was until he came and "rescued it".

He should be too busy applying for jobs and setting up his own business to be interfering with yours.

Tell him you want to sell the house as it's clearly unaffordable and to move to a cheaper property.

I do think you should keep the you did x stuff in. It adds context and is hard to argue with. Pretty shocked about Christmas tbh.