On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

[petaltothemetal71]

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

I also think it's a little ironic that part of the reason you think the relationship has been so successful is his open communication and lack of game playing, but you won't text him today because you think it shows weakness and 'gives him all the cards'. The people who seem like they are playing games in early relationships are actually doing just that - trying to hold all the cards.

OP, I'm glad you've had the chance to talk to him but am a little surprised that you seem to be congratulating yourself on doing it in a 'non-accusatory' way as this rather suggests that you still think he was in the wrong. Then there's your rather overdramatic post that you would rather die than be dependent on anyone else. As several posters have suggested that if replies are upsetting you, you should step away from the thread and chill a bit but you haven't done this, I wonder whether it's because you are actually getting something from all the drama ...

You need to work on what feelings this event triggered and go from there. Your boyfriend has done nothing wrong.

Jesus Christ. Set the poor bloke free before you snare him properly and he realises what he's got into. 😳😳😳

Apologies if the thread has moved on and my posts are unhelpful - it initially looked like a short thread on my phone so I turned it upside down and thought I'd read most of it - now I think maybe I haven't!
Hope you're feeling better about things, OP - a time of heightened emotions for all and can't be easy being apart.

OP, I think you should step away from the thread now.

People aren't reading the updates and I think you've realised you're struggling like a lot of other people right now, have too much time to over analyze and internalize and ramp up your own anxiety, and you've been given the perspective kick up the butt you probably needed, gently. And then some.

i hope you feel better and everything goes back to normal real soon. Just remember to breathe and not jump to the worst possible conclusions over every little thing.

End it.

You're not ready to be in a relationship. You want to be independent and not need or want anyone. That's fine, but that's rarely how relationships work, and it's not going to work with this guy. You lack confidence in yourself, and you lack trust in other people, you need to work on that first before a relationship. That's why you're second guessing him all the time.

Maybe things will work out in the future between you two. But right now it won't, and lockdown is only going to make things worse. You won't talk to him about it, which would actually probably help, but you don't have to confidence to do that, or the trust. Understandable considering your ex husband but that's not this guys fault. Try talking it through but if you can't, end it.

I agree with PP, it sounds like you need some help addressing your issues, OP.

I don’t even understand this post.

two weeks ago he was messaging me every five minutes saying "when are you joining the quiz?" and "are you on yet?"

He's clearly picked up on your lack of enthusiasm for the quiz so has backed off asking you about it. Be careful that you don't put him in a no win situation here. Why not suggest that you join the quiz every other week and leave him and his mates to it on the alternate weeks?

I would just tell him not to worry about you with the quiz and enjoy it with his friends.

I have tried to let him in in a calm and non accusatory way by speaking to him this morning.

That's great. I know it's hard.

There’s no real prospect of being able to get therapy until lockdown ends unless I went private but maybe it is worth considering.

I have my first CBT appointment this afternoon. Been on the dried frog pills for a month. Talk to your GP. It will need to be by phone but it can help. Asking for help is the hard bit, once that's done it's a relief.

You owe it to your kid to be in the best shape you can. That's what finally made me get help.

I know that you can't access therapy at the moment but seriously, read / listen to Brene Brown's work on vulnerability.

Essentially she did some research and found that those people who are happiest / winning at life, are those who are prepared to be vulnerable. (I've massively simplified that for brevity).

It's also worth reflecting on (and I don't think I'm the first person to point this out), your expectation of him to be demonstrative and vulnerable whilst you metaphorically sit in your cave in a suit of armour.

How do you want this to work?

If you're not joining in on the quiz then there's no need for him to send you the questions. He tried. You rejected him.

Yes end it, he's dodged a bullet

OP I feel you, I am also hyper-sensitive to people going cold or backing off, and it has happened in the past. I have also recently realised I have an old abandonment complex which plays into my behaviour. So I would no doubt react similar. Actually being 'neurotic/controlling' doesnt mean you are a bad or undeserving person, it means you are struggling with some kind of pain. Ignore the bitches on here who have nothing else better to do than kick someone when they are down.

However, your reaction is objectively a bit strong, at this point anyway with no other evidence against him. It is really difficult not to react though when your emotions are kicking off, I know.

You have my utmost sympathy and understanding, it's rubbish to feel like this. I suggest texting him something light and stepping back for a bit until you calm. Not that I ever do that- I always start a hoo hah.

As for vulnerability, it's taken me years to realise that showing vulnerability is what makes people identify with you and love you more. If you mean neediness and clingyness then yes I agree, but if he is ther right guy, he'll be able to deal with it and reassure you until this passes.

xxxxx

Buy this and work through it www.amazon.es/Brilliant-Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy-Lifeskills/dp/0273724908/ref=sr_1_2?__mk_es_ES=%C3%85M%C3%85%C5%BD%C3%95%C3%91&dchild=1&keywords=brilliant+cbt&qid=1587303943&sr=8-2
You clearly catastrophise and indulge in negative thinking. This is really good for recognising your patterns of thought and stopping them.

It’s a really weird time and not having real life contact in a relationship would make lots of people feel insecure. It’s hard to keep up a level of intimacy on video calls and messaging alone especially if he doesn’t particularly show feelings verbally. I know because my partner is the same.
You are not alone in feeling like you are going slightly mad! Definitely don’t end it over this, now is not the time to make big decisions especially when it sounds like things are really good usually. You’ve talked and sorted things out, so that’s positive and it just sounds like a misunderstanding.
I think just keep busy, chat as normal, try to not overthink (easy to say) and take one day at a time.

OP, try not to take the more abrasive responses to heart. Having observed other people online elsewhere start to be argumentative with people they normally wouldn't, I honestly think this lockdown thing is affecting a lot of people more than what we all thought it would, and in more ways than we thought it would. Maybe he finds it strange not actually going to the quizzes with you. Maybe it is all getting him down. And getting you down, too. I would wait and see how your relationship is after lockdown ends (whenever that is ). What you are experiencing at the moment is like a long distance relationship. It's just not the same as being together. We're all on edge, emotional, lonely, frustrated, etc. Give yourself a pass for reacting this way, and give him a pass too for not replying. Keep the hope and keep heart. [flower]

maria no he's done nothing "wrong" in not sending me the questions. I just felt that there was a very abrupt change in tone from two weeks ago when he was actively egging me on to join, sending me stuff, to now when there was basically radio silence. Particularly when I'd asked him to send me the questions.

Have a look at reframing your thoughts, which helped me. It's basically trying to change the way you view situations. eg - You think that he's pulling away and doesn't care. Reframing could help you to think that you expressed that you didn't enjoy the quizzes to he stopped hassling you about it and trying to force you to take part.

OP now that we are in a routine with lockdown perhaps your boyfriend thought that there is no point in pushing you to join in with the quiz as you don’t really enjoy it.

After lockdown, big decisions don’t need to be made. There is no rush. Your boyfriend may not want to move in with you afterwards. That’s not an insult or rejection. My boyfriend and I don’t live together. But I’m not going to be forced to make quick rash decisions afterwards. Life will continue and at some stage we will live together but when we are both ready and our children are ready too.

Grow up OP

@petaltothemetal71

In the kindest way possible, you do need to work on your resilience. After 18 months you should be able to understand that your SO isn’t going to be all about you absolutely all the time. The fact that you view all these very little things as a huge, dramatic pulling away from you, to the extent that you panic and feel you should break up with him, shows that you have unrealistic expectations of how long-standing relationships are. Thing do not need to be intense, OTT and absolutely frenetic with constant texting and being all about the other person all the time. Real, true, lasting and strong love isn’t about that. It’s about quietly being confident of each others’ care and affection and not needing constant affirmation of something that just is.

@petaltothemetal71

Have you read anything about adult attachment styles?

You have a style called "avoidant", my dp has the same. It's a very complicated style and can feel confusing and lonely. My heart goes out to you!

Your partner sounds like he has a secure style of attachment (I have this style).

Basically when an avoidant and a secure get deep enough into a relationship, the secure one thinks everything is normal and just gets on with it, but the avoidant one starts to feel more and more love and need for their partner, and because of their attachment style, it completely terrifies them and they start to sabotage in an attempt to get distance, to get away from the vulnerable feelings of love and dependence.

I think this might be happening here, or some form of it.

He is letting you do your own thing and not chasing you or reassuring you, and you realise you dont like that, and it is terrifying because you realize OMG I NEED him, wtf am I going to do????

If any of this rings true, please know my dp went through similar things, many ppl do. Your not crazy, just human. Read the book "Attached".

I also want to say you know, he may very well be pulling away from you. That happens. It would be horrid if thats the case.

But there are alternatives - he could be getting sad about lockdown. He could be feeling a bit depressed which causes him to lose motivation to cajole you to join calls etc. He could be quite sad about having to cope with long distance. All these possibilities further complicated by the fact that the majority of people struggle to explain how they feel, even to themselves.

Everything will be ok. It's a hard time for everyone and it's understandable that you are having difficult feelings just now.