On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

[petaltothemetal71]

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

I think this is mainly his personality as he's not one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but I can't help thinking at some level that he isn't showing any real desire to move things forward once lockdown ends. And its very difficult to get a read on someone's thoughts and emotions when you don't see them.

OP re-read this and have a think about it. What I get from this is that you could like him to open up to you about his emotions and show some vulnerability. You want him to say he is missing you. And yet you won't say this to him because you think being vulnerable is unattractive.

Put into this what you want out of it. You want to be able to see his emotions - show him some of yours. Not the more paranoid and upset side, but definitely 'I really miss you'. See how he responds to that. Open up to him gradually and see what happens. I appreciate that if you've been with someone abusive this will seem like the wrong thing to do. But unless the two of you can be open and honest, you really aren't going to get anywhere.

And don't have a timetable in your head about moving in. It hasn't been very long.

I think he was trying to include you with his friends and is annoyed that you don't seems to want to

Elizabeth it’s not PMT because I am on the coil and never had periods any more but I am peri menopausal and I think there may be some hormones at work here.

Vanhi he has said he’s missing me at various points. He just isn’t very demonstrative about it.

I have been very upfront about the fact that I know I am being irrational.

Given you realise this, you need to start trying to be rational. I really think there are three things you need to do quite urgently:

1. Get some help to start addressing your insecurities. Lockdown is hard but if your usual thought processes are like this then you need to consider CBT and perhaps medication. It really is not as big a deal as you may worry it will be.

1. Try to challenge some of the unhealthy ways you are thinking about him. You only seem to see his actions in relation to your feelings. You acknowlege there are lots of sensible reasons for his perfectly reasonable behaviour, so stop assigning him negative motivations and exagerating small things- it's unfair to him.

1. Let him in. You don't need to pour out your craziest worries all at once, but you do need to share some of your feelings. If you can't do this (slowly) after 18 months, there is simply no way to make things work.

What the actual fuck! I often don't message my boyfriend for days.
That is normal behaviour.
You wanting to dump him over not messaging you back one night is crazy.

And you need counselling about your insane vulnerability issues. It's normal to show a softer side.

HTH

You said you’d been doing the quiz for three weeks and he was initially very eager but you have found joining a little difficult. It could just be that he thought it would be something you really enjoyed and he was eager to get you to try it. Now he has realised that you find it a bit awkward he doesn’t want to push you into it. Maybe he is just looking out for you?

donquixote I have tried to let him in in a calm and non accusatory way by speaking to him this morning.

There’s no real prospect of being able to get therapy until lockdown ends unless I went private but maybe it is worth considering.

OP, you don't deserve this virtual kicking.

It's strange times for all of us now, and yes it does seem like you've overreacted just like we all do sometimes.

He sounds like a nice bloke, move on with your relationship and don't sweat the small stuff. I bet he hasn't given it a second thought.

Have a nice day

two weeks ago he was messaging me every five minutes saying "when are you joining the quiz?" and "are you on yet?

He's probably sick of having to act the doting puppy with you.

You don't sound ready for a relationship, you should end it and work on yourself a bit.

Coriander sorry totally disagree with this. It’s the beginning of the end

Does all your life command such drama? You could have also text him during the quiz or just join the quiz. You are a classic case of 'how can I be a victim' today.

Do yourself a favour and see some sense. I have a friend just like you, she drives me crazy and is constantly unhappy.

With regards you saying him not pushing you to join the quiz is a massive change from 2 weeks ago - when I try and get my partner into something and he makes it clear he isn't really interested or enjoying it, I tend to back right off and usually don't mention it to him again. That is somewhat to do with my own insecurities, but if you've made it obvious you don't really like doing the quiz he's probably just stopped pushing it for that reason.

I think it's really worth considering therapy, @petaltothemetal71

I grew up in an abusive family, and one of the things that I gradually learned through therapy was that I had been wholly conditioned by the dysfunction. I began to see that my own behaviours and feelings were pre-emptive, i.e. that I defended myself in anticipation of being wounded. Problem with that is that you end up being as defended as the person you're accusing of being defended.

For example, you wrote this about your boyfriend:

"While he's very kind and loving to me, he hasn't specifically indicated that he is really missing me at the moment all that much. I think this is mainly his personality as he's not one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but I can't help thinking at some level that he isn't showing any real desire to move things forward once lockdown ends. And its very difficult to get a read on someone's thoughts and emotions when you don't see them."

Could this in some way/s also be attributed to you? Are you - more or less - accusing him of the very things you are doing too? You say vulnerability is a no-no in relationships - something you learned only too well, I'm sure. But vulnerability is essential, imo - and if you can't accept that, then you will look for, and unconsciously create, ways out to avoid it. I think your partner is in a no-win situation here: he can't be vulnerable, and yet he also can't back off when you, yourself, backed off before he did.

So, yes, therapy may well help tremendously. But it will be hard to enter into it, and it will be hard to stay in it, because it asks of you the very things that you have avoided until now: vulnerability and the kind of self-searching accounting that changes behaviours rather than perpetuates them.

Jumpingonthebed I am really not a victim. You have completely misread that. Neurotic, anxious, insecure, paranoid, yes totally. Victim, no. I would rather walk off the edge of a cliff than be a victim. I am totally self reliant and would rather die than consider myself a victim or be dependent on anyone.

But, and sorry if I sound mad, this has triggered something and really upset me. I can feel myself struggling to trust him and withdrawing.

You need help. I say this kindly - but you do

End the relationship.... the poor guy deserves to be allowed to find someone without your issues

Then seek out a counsellor who can work through this whole massive overreaction with you and dig deeply to find out why you are like this

Your bloke did nothing wrong

Your reaction is very strange and as I said, you need help

chatterbug if you read the thread you will see I have said repeatedly I know he did nothing wrong.

Good. Then let him go and find help for you

Hi OP,
I can sympathise with you. I can at times feel incredibly vulnerable and in these moments it doesn't take much for something to send me running for the hills. They always seem like massive things to me at the time and I properly catastrophise. I feel hugely let down and rejected and start thinking wants the point in this I don't need to feel this hurt....
However, it's my anxiety talking and my anxiety lies to me...often.
Don't turn away from someone who sounds pretty great. Ask yourself, if I was feeling positive and confident about myself and about life in general right now, what would I think in this situation and what would I do? And the answer is probably to talk to him and to let him know how you felt about last night. But also remembering your part in the evening. Did I promise to join the quiz at some stage? Did he mind that I didn't?
Good luck OP.

I would also consider myself to be totally self reliant whilst also feeling insecure about relationships and friendships. It's a conflict that's hard to manage.
I hope you are ok and that you get a chance to talk it through with him today and feel reassured

I’m normally a LTB sort but even I think you are massively overreacting here. You don’t like the quiz, so don’t join in and let him get on with it!

If I were doing a quiz and had to send someone else the questions and wait for their answers so they could ‘join in’, I would find that really annoying.

I am totally self reliant

You aren't. If you were you wouldn't be needing his constant reassurance that he likes you, wants you etc.

But as I indicated upthread its a very abrupt change in his approach -- two weeks ago he was messaging me every five minutes saying "when are you joining the quiz?" and "are you on yet?

Two weeks ago I had ALL KINDS of Skype/zoom/house party plans and chats going on. 2 weeks later the novelty has worn off and the idea of a zoom pub quiz isn't as much fun as it seemed at first. It's just lockdown fatigue, not you.

Just talk to him, it’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign you want to talk to him.

I’m afraid you can’t have a decent relationship without showing weakness. Plenty of silly screwed up men will run from this and that’s a way of weeding out the wimps. Think about it, in the future your parents may pass on, your kids will cause drama, you may lose your job, can you get through this all by yourself, without showing weakness.

Look at psychology, attachment style and parents who never let you show emotion as a child may an explanation.

Also look after your mental health and reach out to people, you sound like you’re on edge and overthinking this.

My guess is you've (unintentionally) made the quiz less enjoyable for him so he just decided to leave you to it last night and felt a bit awkward about it so didn't message goodnight afterwards. I really don't think you should end things because of this.

After 18 months you may start to irritate each other occasionally, but I think that's all that's happened here.

I think you need to look at your reaction to it all-yes yu realise hes done nothing wrong only after all the replies pointing it out

Your initial reaction in the op was to end it over a few missing messages-my dh who works some night shifts doesnt say goodnight most of the time hes either busy or no signal im not going to end it though