On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

[petaltothemetal71]

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

Blimey there’s a load of bitches on this thread. OP, lack of adult company to discuss things with can really make you overthink things and become paranoid. It can happen to me if I only have a day on my own, I imagine all sorts of things going on in other people’s head which aren’t. Also this may sound a bit sexist but I think women overthink things a lot more than men. Your boyfriend probably got distracted by the quiz and thought you didn’t want to talk part, I really wouldn’t read too much into it. He sounds lovely, and I hope things work out for you.

OK you have all made your point. I accept that I am needy and controlling and don’t deserve this man. I am sorry it was a genuine - if misguided - attempt to find some perspective.

So why didn’t he send you the messages?

Lock down is doing strange things to us all OP. Don't let this ruin what sounds like a good thing.

You've explained now that there is something about these events that have triggered something for you and like I said in my PP It won't ever work if you don't let your guard down and deal with what it is that's causing this response. You deserve to be happy and have a good, healthy relationship. You really do.

OP I also overreact, overanalyze and am very, very sensitive. Please take it from me, you are being really really silly. It's not an attack, it's not crucifixion people are just being honest with you. You need to calm down.

This is relationships not AIBU. Some of the responses are horrible. The world is a shitstorm, OP is overthinking. Be kind.

Funnily enough by trying not to appear vulnerable you are appearing demanding and drama queeny which is a far worse trait in my book.

We’re all vulnerable atm. I’m a single parent doing all I can to keep a cheerful demeanour. I do pub quizzes with my neighbours’ friends whom I don’t know at all. It’s not comfortable and easy but it’s a good way to stay occupied and busy. And no one else is responsible for how I feel apart from me. If you have a wobble let it just be a wobble and make it your problem. Deal with it and move on.

So I hope you can dust yourself off a bit, perk yourself up and reset. Go out for a walk if you can. Put on some music. Message your dp as you normally would and get back on track.

What was his answer about the questions? I think that this is a key thing - it depends on what the answer was! And did it explain the lack of communication generally? If not, you can ask about it without giving away any insecurities.

But generally... it is a good idea to trust how you feel, and if you feel off then trust that for the time being - but then again if you can't show your true self to him then you won't get the connection you want, long term, anyway - and also recognise that there are ebbs and flows to things, and he might have had a bad evening and now regrets it and he might also have insecurities.

@petaltothemetal71

Have you spoken to him this morning? This isnt the end - its just a blip! you can totally fix this

I have sympathy OP.

I am not a paranoid person but I am intuitive. And in the past, I could always read (correctly) a change in communication (no matter how insignificant it would have seemed if I ran it past a mumsnet jury) that signalled I was about to be dumped.

Internet dating!

But focus on the fact that you know what you like doing, you can keep yourself occupied. It has been nice having a relationship but you are ok without one and if you split up you will also be fine. There are areas in your life that will be easier. There'll be some loss but also some gain.

Focus on that when you feel that you're fearing that things have changed.

Bless you.

You need to figure out why you automatically jumped to wanting to break up with him. Surely he doesn't have to text you every single night for you to stay in a relationship?

You say he gave you an answer, so what was it? Surely he's allowed to skip the texting once in a while.

What a bunch of awful fucking responses you've had. Yes, you clearly overreacted but something that's happened in the past has taught you its not ok to be vulnerable. Your knee jerk reaction was to end it, which to me screams out that you want to get away from him before he really gets the chance to hurt you. Even though normally, what he did shouldn't be hurting you this much. Can you pinpoint what it is that's made you feel so insecure? Have you ever had counselling or CBT for it? It's not good to put him on a pedestal where if he just missteps slightly, it's causing you this much worry and anxiety but i think you know that. Vulnerability is a massive part of being in love. My husband and i have seen each other at our absolute lowest. It took me a bloody long time to be able to let him in after an abusive relationship previously. It could be something in your childhood. Hell it could just be one isolated incident many years ago that's made you so afraid of getting hurt.

I'm glad you have been able to speak to him normally this morning. And I'm sorry that you've had some truly awful answers, verging on personal attacks from Mumsnetters. I thought Relationships was meant to be the place to go for support.

How old are you OP?

You don't feel comfortable doing the zoom quiz - and he knows that.
So maybe he just decided not to send you the questions cos you don't really want to play anyway?
Maybe he didn't want the hassle of juggling text messages with you to 'help' him with the questions?

You have friends of your own and quite rightly you were talking to them at the time of the quiz - you need to do that more.

Maybe he's pissed because you won't just be honest and say you don't want to play the quiz - and he feels you're just spoiling his fun by insisting on being part of it but clearly not interested?
I'm sure he doesn't actually need your help for the questions....so it's ok for you not to be part of it.

he just said good morning how are you?
I'd have replied "I'm ok....just feeling a bit confused cos you didn't text/call last night and i feel like i might have annoyed/pissed you off?"

OP please don't get upset by the mean responses here, just ignore them and answer the people who are wanting to be nice/help.

OP, it's tough right now for many of us. I'm sorry you're struggling.

I gather you've accepted his explanation, but you still seem to think he's done something wrong. You won't open up to him, be honest with him and in your words "trust him".
Can you see that all of these are your issues? Not his. From what you've said on here, he's done nothing wrong.
Instead of writing the relationship off, why don't you try telling him how you're feeling? Let him know you're struggling and that the incident last night triggered uncomfortable feelings.

If he's as great as you've said he is, at least give him the chance to be supportive, to understand and to find a way to strengthen the relationship.

This isn't anything to do with him. This is to do with something else. Dumping him won't fix it. You have to deal with whatever the real issue is. Whatever it is that made you so insecure.

Not only is this an absolutely ridiculous thing to break up with him over, but your attitude towards being vulnerable is really unhealthy and I can't see any relationship working for you while you feel like this. Are you really expecting to never show any vulnerability for your entire lifelong relationship with someone? What happens when one of you loses a loved one, sat at the funeral and he reaches for your hand, what are you going to do, brush it off and pretend you're not upset? What on Earth has caused you to think this way, and what on Earth do you say to your daughter when she is upset?

Everyone is strong some of the time and vulnerable at other times, anything else is totally unsustainable and honestly quite fake. You cannot build a long term relationship if you think it is worse to say something like"oh, I thought you were upset with me when you didn't reply last night" and hear his probably perfectly reasonable explanation like he fell asleep or didn't see it, or was busy and forgot, than to BREAK UP WITH HIM over this tiny moment. This is the kind of discussion neither of you even need to remember the next day. Bottling up hurt over tiny moments like this rather than just asking and clearing the air will be relationship suicide, I think you need to reflect and possibly seek help for your personal issues around being open and emotionally vulnerable (even on the very, very small scale like this) with a partner.

ChewChew thank you.

He said he was waiting for me to join.

I am just going to try to put this behind me and get some perspective. I felt really vulnerable and alone I didn’t offload this onto him: talked to him directly and calmly.

I thought relationships was a good place for perspective and I have got that. So job done.

Ignore some of the unkind posters, you have obviously been treated badly before which has triggered this response. Please try to get past that and don't lose what sounds like a good relationship with a nice guy.

The most over dramatic thread I’ve ever read!
Use this time in lockdown to read some self help books and work on your issues. Obviously you must have some deep rooted trust issues to react so violently to someone not replying to your text.

Your knee jerk reaction was to end it, which to me screams out that you want to get away from him before he really gets the chance to hurt you

This!
I've been like that in the past - it's previous trauma playing out.
Communication is the only way to deal with it - first being honest with yourself.
I actually said that above statement to myself when i realised why i was behaving like i was - and it did actually shift something inside me.

If you hadn’t said you you had a 9 year old daughter I would have presumed you were a teenager.

Not only is this an absolutely ridiculous thing to break up with him over, but your attitude towards being vulnerable is really unhealthy

@aSofaNearYou The thing is I can see why if this is the sort of thing OP meant by weakness and vulnerability, that she would think it not a good thing to share with a boyfriend, as it would've made her come across as intense if she truly shared the depth of her feelings about what happened.

I spend a lot of time in therapy OP so I don't mean this in a bad way- I think therapy and possibly meds would help you learn to regulate your emotions xxx

I didn’t offload this onto him: talked to him directly and calmly

@petaltothemetal71 Good work. xxxxx

Sounds to me like you are very avoidant (I am too) and would rather end a relationship than show 'weakness' (aka let him know how strongly you feel about him) am I right?
To me, showing vulnerability feels like giving away power to hurt me so I avoid it like the plague.

HOWEVER this is really unhealthy and wrong and will sabotage your relationship. Some introspection would be good here.