On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

[petaltothemetal71]

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

I think you need to get help for your neediness. No man can live up to your expectations because nobody is perfect 100% of the time.

These are weird times and it’s not always easy to read someone over messages and social media so sometimes things can get magnified and distorted.

Asking for clarity (‘what happened last night’) isn’t the same as vunerability. Transparent communication is really important as is feeling able to check that your interpretation is correct.

On another note, hopefully at some point you’ll feel able to express vulnerability as it will indicate a level of trust that will help you feel more secure. Hope this works out for you and do just talk to him about this so that you can feel a bit reassured.

Bloody hell

@petaltothemetal71 i'd ask for the thread to be deleted, as more truthful comments will be said, and they could be hurtful. Maybe a change of name and another thread about dealing with anxieties in relationships is a better way to go.

Sorry people have been so awful to you OP. I have learnt from Mumsnet that many people have poor empathy. In your case it meant most people were unable to see that you have underlying issues that caused you to think and feel the way you did. Please don't let the responses by empathy-free strangers get to you.

So he’s said he was waiting for you to join. What’s the matter with that?

OK everyone you have made your point. I am a neurotic controlling cow. Can we draw a line now please?

The thing is I can see why if this is the sort of thing OP meant by weakness and vulnerability, that she would think it not a good thing to share with a boyfriend, as it would've made her come across as intense if she truly shared the depth of her feelings about what happened.

Yes I agree, I did wonder whether by saying vulnerability is weakness, she actually meant neediness is weakness. Which implies she is aware her knee jerk reaction is irrational and it would be viewed as needy if she admitted it openly to him.

But that level of self awareness is a strong first step towards processing and getting help for your feelings OP. You know they aren't healthy, I would strongly advise listening to the people suggesting therapy might help you get over your trust issues.

OP- clearly this is upsetting you. Can you ask for this thread to be removed? if not, I'd hide this thread right now and go and have a cup of tea and distract yourself for a bit.

These are just people's opinions. They arent "facts". Everyone has opinions and you arent your thoughts. They are just thoughts.

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

What a 'guileless' person hears is -

'I'm talking to my mates, I'll be along later'.

He doesn't hear from you.

What a 'guileless' person thinks is -

'She must have been talking to her mates for longer. I'll text in the morning, rather than disturb her/make demands on her time when she's busy with her mates'. And that's what he does.

He doesn't think 'Oh, she's fallen out of love with me because she didn't join the virtual pub quiz, I must bombard her with messages just to make sure that she still thinks about me 100% of the time'. Because he trusts you and doesn't think that there's anything more significant happening than you talking to your mates.

He doesn't know it was a trap. Because he doesn't think that way.

This all sounds weird.

Why would you help him with answers? For a start isn't that cheating? Also if it's his friends why not just leave him to it for the night?

I’m not going to pile in and reiterate what’s been already stated, but if you can take something positive from this is maybe seek some kind of professional advice/ help so you can move forward in a relationship without it being so all or nothing. I get you must have been hurt in the past but the reality is most people have been, to trust and grow forward as a partnership you have to take risks and show some vulnerability.
Good luck as he sounds lovely.

Unless I'm missing something this seems like a massive overreaction. Or maybe he didn't want you joining in on the quiz without joining in? Seems like it was just on your terms? I would hate that in his shoes. You don't want to fraternise with his friends but you want to have the upper hand by answering the questions for him?! Maybe he's fed up of you if you're always like this.

He said he was waiting for me to join.

Which was what you planned, right? So why didn't you join him?

Quite honestly I think he'd be better off without you!

I know people are being harsh on here but for good reason OP!!

You are about to throw away what sounds like a potentially ideal relationship over the most ridiculous thing.

He probably just forgot and got distracted by talking to his friends, or maybe, as you've clearly said you feel a bit uncomfortable, is diplomatically easing you out of this particular Zoom group. But that's FINE! Even if he worships you, the relationship can't always be 100% about you - he's allowed to have other facets to his life.

18 months into my relationship with my now DH, he used to visit his best friend in another town and stay over gaming. Even though I always said "Call me to say goodnight" he never ever did. But it just became a bit of a joke n the end, as I was confident about his feelings for me.

I don't say this lightly, but you have to toughen up a bit if you're going to save this relationship. And yes it's not ok to show your vulnerability as needy is not sexy, but it's completely normal to feel it.

Sorry op. I think if you hide or delete the thread. Go away cheer yourself up and think back on it later you'll see that some of this was good for you to hear (read) and some of it was unnecessary and bloody rude. Take care of yourself.

I dont think you are a "neurotic controlling cow" at all.
However I do think that you need to grow up before trying to have an adult relationship.

OP you know it’s a complete overreaction. Being able to see that and therefore channel your feelings here and process them, instead of putting them into your relationship, is very positive. I assume you have been hurt in the past and that is where your issues around trust and vulnerability come from. Finding ways to manage that while you heal is key. So I would take it as a positive that you have managed it today without undermining your relationship.

You just need to continue to work on this, as being able to be vulnerable is key in a healthy relationship. He sounds like a good man. These are crazy times, be gentle on yourself and on him.

@petaltothemetal71 Have you been in abusive or dysfunctional relationships before? Or was your childhood marred by a controlling/abusive/dysfunctional relationship with your parents?

Because your fear of showing vulnerability much stem from a bad relationship model. Vulnerability is not a weakness that the person you love will use against you, unless that person is not a good, kind, caring and decent person. A loving relationship is safe, caring and protective, and your partner doesn’t use vulnerability to cause you pain.

I think you need to learn more about what love actually is. If you cannot trust the person you love to look after you, protect and cherish you and treat you well despite your vulnerabilities, then either they are not a good person, or you have learnt the wrong things about love and relationships.

Yes, it wasn’t great that he totally ignored you, but it’s not actually as big a deal as you make out. And you should definitely be able to communicate honestly with him and set out your boundaries and expectations clearly. However the crux of this thread is that you really need to explore why you feel the way you do about vulnerability being weakness.

Are you confusing vulnerability with neediness?
I agree that neediness is not an attractive quality but vulnerability is not the same thing.

I’m someone who hates to be weak and vulnerable too. A lot of my personality is about being strong, practical and getting on with things so I would be similar to you and not want to show any neediness whatsoever.

He’s told you he was expecting you to join so I’d take his word for it. You’re probably very guarded and aware so no doubt if things were obviously not going well, you’d know what to do.

The problem with trying to be strong and invulnerable is that it’s impossible to maintain long term. We all have our weaknesses and vulnerabilities and at some point they are going to emerge as OPs have now.

You are making two fundamental errors here OP - firstly by not trusting your long term boyfriend enough to show him the true you. Secondly, by stating as a fact that vulnerability and weakness are not attractive. Who told you that? Why do you believe it? It might be true for some (weak) people who could be scared off by a weak partner, but it isn’t a blanket truth. Some people will find vulnerability appealing, it will bring out their protective nurturing side. Some people might welcome some sign of weakness in a partner because it will give them the opportunity to step up and be the strong one.

My DH is an incredibly strong man, a fierce negotiator and advocate for his clients and staff and determinedly loyal to his friends and family but that isn’t all of him and I sometimes see the weaker, gentler side of him at home. It doesn’t put me off him, in fact I’m honoured that he trusts me enough to let me see a part of him that he hides from the world.

If you don’t trust this man enough to let him see the real you it might be right to end it with him. However, if the real issue here is your distorted sense of your own worth as a partner you will take that problem with you into any future relationship. I would strongly suggest you get some counselling to try and unpick why you are frightened to let a loved one get close to you.

Reflect upon the fact the only use of the words "neurotic" "controlling" and "cow" came from you OP*

• Iwanttobeanonymous doesn't count as she was quoting you

Wow, massive overreaction and I would be really reconsidering my readiness for a relationship if I were you.

Could you make seek some therapy or coping strategies? This is not reasonable behaviour and while you say you haven't mentioned it to him here, if you don't address this you run the risk of hurting him a lot on the future.

I agree if it’s neediness you’re talking about then yes, being needy to the point that you cannot cope without constant assurances is a problem.

But you can still say hey, ‘I didn’t appreciate not having a goodnight or any word at all from you before bed. It made me feel a bit like you were ignoring me. Why didn’t you msg?’ and just discuss it like grown ups.