On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

[petaltothemetal71]

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

I think if you can't show any vulnerability to a partner that's a bigger problem than him sulking with you by not sending messages one night.

I agree with a pp it's you who needs to stop playing games.

Just talk to him. It’s a huge overreaction to end a relationship over an answered message. Unless there’s more to this. Talk to him without accusing him of anything. See what he says and take it from there.

Woah op you are massively overreacting. What is this about vulnerability? Is this something you learned about growing up? Being vulnerable isn't a bad thing all the time. Him also not replying one night isn't a bad thing. He is human. We are never going to be perfect. Have you put him in a huge pedestal and feel let down? No one is superman. Look he at least messaged you today. Dont haul the poor man over the coals that could be just nothing. I understand it's crazy times and lockdown makes you feel all kinds of things but if he is good in every other way please think about this first.

Unless there is a MASSIVE drip feed coming, then I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill with this one.

I just feel very strongly that if you feel vulnerable then showing that vulnerability never goes well. Weakness is not attractive.

It will never work if you don't get this idea out of your head. Part of being in love and in a healthy relationship is being able to show your vulnerability. My husband has seen me at my most broken and vulnerable and weak and far from finding it 'unattractive' he lifted me up and supported me through it and I him when he has felt that way. It was most certainly not the 'beginning of the end'. It's what you do when you love each other.

I think you are massively overreacting. You said you would be late joining the quiz, he joined the quiz you didn’t show up at all, he probably thought you were busy or gone to sleep. He then text you this morning, I’m really not sure what your issue is.

Look it sounds like you have massive issues around vulnerability that aren’t normal or healthy. Sorry but what you’ve said is totally out of perspective. I don’t know what’s made you this way, maybe your upbringing or previous experiences, but it’s worth you thinking through and maybe speaking to a counsellor at some point.

And I don’t mean this disrespectfully - I also have my own massive issues!

You're being ridiculous and paranoid - is there a back story here ?

Op, you don't end a relationship over something like this! If you're seriously feeling like this is the time to end things then there has to be other things going on which you haven't mentioned in your post.

Sometimes people fight, argue, huff, disagree etc etc and then they get over it! Every relationship has issues. If you're waiting for someone perfect then you'll be waiting forever. Sounds like your boyfriend was a bit peeved that you didn't join the quiz as planned. But by this morning he'd moved on from it. You need to tell him how you're feeling and then discuss what happens from here.

You’re going to end things with your partner of 18 months because they didn’t reply to your casual messages about a pub quiz until the following morning? OP this is coming from a place of genuine concern, but this along with your insistence of never showing vulnerability, I think you need professional help. You’re reading far far far too much into this and you sound like you have some serious issues that you need to address before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone.

Op I don't want to sound offensive but your phrasing about how you view relationships is striking.

Relationships should not be a competition about who cares the least.

If you can't bear the thought of letting a partner close enough that they see your weaknesses, then you are being quite unfair to potential partners, because this would be a deal breaker for the majority. Because they would never know the whole you.

If you don't want the commitment and emotional risk of an open hearted partnership, I would suggest sticking to casual dating and not expecting more of your dates than they can expect from you.

So you didn't turn up to the zoom thing when him and his mates were expecting you and you want to dump him for it?

Wtf? You're being ridiculous. And wrong about vulnerability in relationships fwiw

You are right you prob should end it, then he will have a chance of being with someone who isn’t so controlling.

I think you should end it. For his sake.

You sound like a drama queen🙄

Good lord
OP I suspect this chap would be better off without you.
I think you need to work on yourself in the short term

Call him. Talk to him on the phone. Ask him why he didn't send you the questions. Explain to him how his silence made you feel. Talk to him!

Goodness me, what an overreaction! Maybe your text didn't go through, maybe he fell asleep, maybe he got distracted by a film and by the time it was finished it was too late?

Do you always jump to the worst case scenario?

I get what you mean to an extent about vulnerability, in that seeming excessively needy/clingy isn't good, but you don't have to do that, especially as you're not seeing him IRL.

What you're asking is not unreasonable- he was in the wrong for vanishing on you, or at least, it's reasonable that you felt a bit insecure, or at least it's not 100% 'wrong' to feel that way.

You could say something like 'how was your evening?' See how he responds- he may apologize for vanishing. If you try that then later you could go into your feelings for a sentence or two occasionally (don't go overboard of course.)

Your feeling that showing weakness spells they end may partly stem from you having been with users etc before. If a bloke isn't really into us except for 'fun,' then of course they're going to be more put off than they should be by us not being 100% a barrel of laughs, and appearing human.

A decent guy who cares about you is safe to show some of your emotions to as he'll be genuinely looking to get on with you. A player might be put off, but that is absolutely no loss.

On the other hand, if you think you have a tendency to be too 'heavy' and overwhelm people emotionally, you could perhaps seek therapy- or medication if you feel you're suffering from anxiety. If you've tried one thing, try another; there are loads of things they can try. At the moment your appointment would probably be over the phone. You describe bot social anxiety and fear of rejection, so meds/therapy might be something that's worth a go.

Sorry, you’re being over-sensitive and childish OP. So you’ve met a man who is perfect in every way but you’re going to end it because he didn’t text good night for one night?

Surely you can see how ridiculous that is? Any sensible grown person would either a) ask him why he didn’t text or b) don’t mention it and carry on as normal (which is what I’d probably do as I wouldn’t be obsessing over the fact he hadn’t text me goodnight!)

Do you not think he had a right to be annoyed with you?

Imo he hasn't done anything wrong. Your entitled to be disheartened that you didn't hear from him and ask him what happened.

But equally, you're a grown woman and you could have called him to check if everything was okay.

It seems to me that you're almost waiting to be hurt by him.

Don't make this bigger that it needs to. Stop acting like a teenager. Make a drink and give him a call.

You're*

OP seems like you are massively over-reacting, but yes if you feel that you can't talk to him or be open or vulnerable then yes your relationship is dead.

You sound like you are a game player.

How do you know he wasn't feeling well and went to bed early?
How do you know he didn't fall asleep?
How do you know he wasn't dealing with a leaking washing machine that took him half the night to sort?

There could be many many reasons that he didn't send the questions but if you don't be open and communicate then you will never know.

I would say that the issues here are with you and not him.

Did you eventually join the quiz? Did you message him last night?

Ludicrous overreaction. Let him go. Sounds like he’ll be dodging a bullet.