On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

[petaltothemetal71]

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

OP
Whst if he hadn't received YOUR message?

Being upfront about being irrational does not give you a free pass to carry on being irrational.

It's good you can spot it though 😊

Well done for taking some very difficult messages on the chin. Please try to ignore the pile on.

What did you say back to him? I think all you need to do is say “sorry I didn’t realise, I thought maybe you were mad at me”. And I guess this is what you’re reaction and everything you have said is all about. Lock down is very difficult. And it is really really ok to show vulnerability to the ones, who love you. I’m sorry you’ve not been given this message. I get it, I do.

Using his phone may have been against quiz rules. So he may not have got your message, and if he did he may not have been comfortable conferring.

Like everyone else I think breaking up is an overreaction. I wonder if the current situation is causing you to over analyse and amplify? Remember with non face to face communication a lot of nuance and context is missed, and you never really know if your message got through or was interpreted how you meant it.

OP this really isn’t something to end a relationship over. You’re mature adult; surely you can talk about this? Even if he did deliberately not reply, from what you say this isn’t a regular occurrence and so probably just something you need to work through. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has problems they need to work through. Everyone upsets their partner at some point but they work through and get over it.
Maybe you have upset him? Maybe you should ask him if he is okay?

OP - People are being unnecessarily harsh, and they're reacting to only the first post and not your subsequent posts.

Everyone- It's worth everybody please remembering that our individual posts might be well intentioned or not that bad individually but they do build up and what we have learnt from subsequent posts by the OP is that she's having a shitty time, has done her best and is feeling (not surprisingly) worse for the pile on here, so please can people back off with the blunt comments. Now more than ever is a time to be kind and give each other the benefit of the doubt

OP This really is a weird time to live through. Do remember that - EVERYBODY is feeling and sometimes acting oddly - you, me, him, everybody on mumsnet - so if possible I encourage you to find kindness towards what's going on in your head as well as in others' - there is even a vulnerable person behind each of the outright bitchy comments on here. Truth be told we are all hurting at the moment, and we are all dealing with it in different ways, and like a roller coaster, sometimes better than others.

I wonder if you can find some joy in this experience - you now have data about yourself that you can use to grow and develop. - you know that your views on vulnerability in relationships are different to a lot of other people's, and that you perhaps confuse vulnerability with neediness. What better use of lockdown to do a little kind and gentle self-development? Brene Browne is the lady behind the Ted talk posted earlier - I really rate her, and she writes and talks well on the power of being vulnerable.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself and others - that's a message to the OP and to EVERYONE else in this thread.

If you can’t show vulnerability in a relationship then you can never be in a long term relationship. Certainly not a healthy one.

Temorary thank you x

Whoa @petaltothemetal71 your statement:

‘ . I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today. ’

This goes from nought to 90mph in the space of a moment’s thought. I assume that you are no stranger to catastrophic thinking.

Yes, you got last night & this morning out of whack.
Take a deep breath here.

Where is the evidence for your thinking?
Where are the questions that you need to ask yourself to double check your thinking & hot thoughts?
What is this storm a distraction from?

Ask yourself these questions, reflect upon your responses & answers.
Give yourself some space today to wind down.That’s wind down, not climb down.

All of us are finding enforced or selective distance a challenge to our everyday relationships. We are all missing people we love & like to talk things over with, help us recalibrate when we are wonky & hold us close as we readjust ourselves.

So @petaltothemetal71 you are not alone in getting something out of proportion. But now is the time to wind this drama up, take a deep breath, wind down, let go of the ‘stuff’ & then make contact to reconnect. If you’ve both have a blip, then let it go.

When all is back to some form of normal, consider approaching your GP or local NHS Mental Health Trust to undertake some some Cognitive Based Therapy to address your tendency to lurch to the catastrophic & develop the skills to manage your reactions. These are life skills to develop that will serve you well.

I think that you know this already, & in these difficult times, it’s OK to revisit or request a top up.

Nice thoughtful helpful post @TemoraryUsername

Oh OP yourve had some really nasty responses on here Has something happened to you before - in your childhood or a previous relationship maybe - which has resulted in you wanting to protect yourself so strongly from further hurt? That's how its coming across, having been in that position myself, it's a way trying to control a scenario which might potentially be painful. Withdrawing and shutting down to prevent some future perceived distress. Apologies if I'm way off.

Hi op how are you doing ? I am like you and
It's a nightmare to live like it . It's because I have been so hurt and let down in the past that it had made me pretty damaged . I used to need constant reassurance I still do now mind but if I don't get it I keep it inside rather than show how her I am because it doesn't get me anywhere really . I have been with my partner ten years . I do feel I am a lot better now than I was years ago . If your anything like me I would be thinking all sorts . He doesn't love me . He's gone off me that's it I'm ending it I can't deal with this . You definitely need to work on yourself 1st ❤️ deal with what's hurt you and made you like this . I would phone him and tell him how you felt see what he says . If he didn't love you he wouldn't of text you this morning . Everything will be ok op xxx

I haven't read the whole thread but why does he have to send your the questions ? This is all sounds so petty I'm trying to be kind to you but honestly your the issue here not him to put it as nice as I can.
He's done nothing wrong you don't own him he doesn't have to involve you in everything and this is about a quiz online ? Wow is this what the world is coming to right now.
I think you need to work on yourself for a bit and step back from this relationship for a bit if you can't handle him not replying to you over a quiz of all things.
Maybe there are other issues in the relationship you aren't happy with deep down ?

Your relationship has effectively become a long-distance relationship, with no idea of when it is going to get back to normal. Long-distance relationships have so much potential for misunderstanding and things being blown out of proportion. Things on phone and video calls are so easy to misinterpret. I would give him the benefit of the doubt until this is all over and you can spend more time together in person.

I'm going to go out on a limb OP and say I think you have previously been in an abusive relationship or one that ended very badly. Which is where you get your 'vulnerability is weakness' thinking from. I apologise if this isn't the case.

Did you need the questions from.him before you could join the quiz?

Or was it still feasible for you to join without them - sounds like he didn't have the time to send them but he probably (to be polite) should've just sent a quick message saying "don't have time to send questions now, see you in the quiz etc".

I

I'm hoping most of you haven't read the full thread and are posting thinking you're the first person to say what you're saying. Op has acknowledged responses. Op has admitted responsibility. I hope you don't argue in real life like this because continuing to go on when the other party is sincerely saying, 'OK, I agree, my fault' is horribly aggressive and frankly bullying. Horrible cross section of society here today. Seven pages of it.

You could have arranged your other thing, so that it didn't clash with the quiz. So that you could have attended the quiz

Or

You could have said that you would attend the quiz next week

So much drama over something so small !

AnneofPeeves I was in an abusive marriage, yes, but I don't think this is the particular trigger. My exDH was a very different personality from my boyfriend -- alcoholic and very emotionally abusive but so different from my bf as to be unrecognisable - very emotionally intense but would not have done something like this.

I think the trigger here is more to do with earlier relationships when people turned cold for no real reason and I didn't respond to their cooling off soon enough and allowed myself to be used. I'm always hyper alert to signs someone is cooling off/backing off.

I have done quite a lot of work on myself and had a lot of therapy. Ironically my boyfriend and I have never had an issue -- never really argued and he's never made me feel insecure until now.

I totally recognise the issue is within myself and he's done nothing wrong.

I think its just that lockdown is making it really hard. I'm anxious about what happens when the initial phase of lockdown ends as I think we may need to make some hard choices about how to maintain our relationship (ie do we move in together or not) and this has brought it to the fore.

While he's very kind and loving to me, he hasn't specifically indicated that he is really missing me at the moment all that much. I think this is mainly his personality as he's not one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but I can't help thinking at some level that he isn't showing any real desire to move things forward once lockdown ends. And its very difficult to get a read on someone's thoughts and emotions when you don't see them.

So I totally recognise I'm being a bit nuts. I guess I just wanted some perspective on it.

And by the way thank you to all of you who have been kind. I didn't come on here expecting an easy ride and was prepared to be told I was being bonkers so thanks to those of you who have attempted to be kind.

Communication is so important. There may be a very good reason why he didn’t contact you. But don’t always assume the worst. You could try saying that you were surprised you didn’t hear from him last night, and was everything ok? In other words not assuming he didn’t want to talk to you, but more that you assume there must have been a good reason for it. Sadly if you don’t communicate because you feel vulnerable will only make it worse, although I do understand.

maria no he's done nothing "wrong" in not sending me the questions. I just felt that there was a very abrupt change in tone from two weeks ago when he was actively egging me on to join, sending me stuff, to now when there was basically radio silence. Particularly when I'd asked him to send me the questions.

I totally understand that he may well have been too busy, not have had time, have felt a bit claustrophobic etc. But it would have been so easy for him to have messaged me saying "sorry I'm a bit slammed" or something. And its just out of character its hard not to notice the contrast.

Just to really underline this for anyone still reading, I am not accusing him of having done anything wrong and I realise this issue is totally at my end. I'm just trying to process my own reactions and shed some light on the very strong effect it had on me.

Doula007 I did we did have a conversation about it this morning when I very calmly and in a non-accusatory fashion -- said: "how come you didn't send me the questions?" and he said he thought I was going to join. I left it there and didn't pursue further and all was "fine".

But as I indicated upthread its a very abrupt change in his approach -- two weeks ago he was messaging me every five minutes saying "when are you joining the quiz?" and "are you on yet?"

It's hard not to notice this very dramatic shift.

Apologies, I hadn’t had a chance to read all the responses.

You have much bigger issues than your boyfriend, you seem to have a block about showing any vulnerability or feelings. End the relationship if you want to, but definitely seek some counselling

OP, I hope you don't take this as my being rude - it's as much about me as it is about you - but do you think that you might have PMT? I ask because I am finding that my PMT symptoms have really changed as I get older and have switched from general grumpiness two days before onset to really significant anxiety a week or 8 days before. It's far enough away for me not to have realised for ages what was going on but I've now recognised that my feeling insecure and unloved by DP, plus overreaction to any withdrawal from him (eg being quiet, messing around on his phone etc) is happening on these dates. It doesn't mean he doesn't have to shape up (a bit) but it does mean that I can manage a bit of perspective when I feel overwhelmed. It only lasts a day and a half for me, and not every month. Something has to trigger it, but when it is triggered, my reactions are out of proportion to the problem.

I also think that we react (when we overreact) in a way that harks back to the most extreme version of the feeling we've experienced - so I slip back to my ex-husband's withdrawal before we divorced; my step-daughter experiences every separation as loss following the death of her mum, etc. We are all learning to cope with those feelings. Lockdown has intensified them all!

Could this be the case for you?