On paper this is such a small thing isn't it, but I need to end it don't I?

[petaltothemetal71]

So for context boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Had been a very good relationship until lockdown started, very loving and kind, great sex, good communication. Still to some extent is: we have been communicating fairly well despite the limitations, with video calls and messaging etc. I have a 9 year old DD so moving in hasn't really been discussed, but our relationship has been great.

What makes him stand out for me is that he's so kind and generous and guileless. He's never been a game player, he's always been open to me initiating things, has been very open and warm about integrating me into his friendship network. He's never once made me feel unwelcome, or that he needs space or that I should hold back. Until last night.

Every Saturday night for the last three weeks we've been involved in a virtual pub quiz with some of his friends. A couple of weeks ago I said that I found it quite hard to do zoom quizzes with this particular set of people because I don't really know the people involved and feel like a spare part. So he knew I felt a bit insecure about it. He also knows I am missing him and finding it difficult not seeing him, particularly with no visibility on when we will see each other again.

Last night I knew he was joining the quiz at a particular time but I was speaking to some friends over zoom earlier. I messaged him to say I was going to be late on to the quiz and could he send me the questions via messanger or whatsapp so I can help him with the answers (which is what he usually does). This is much more comfortable for me than being in a huge virtual conference call.

And then, nothing. No response all evening. It's the first time in about a year he hasn't messaged me to say good night and I love you before bed. Nothing.

I know I'm being paranoid to some degree and that emotions are running high during lockdown. But behaviour like this is so out of character for him and so thoughtless at the moment that I was really really upset and couldn't sleep.

He's messaged this morning and I can't reply. I can't talk to him about it as that would be giving him all the cards and showing weakness which is suicide if you're feeling vulnerable. I am too upset to speak to him today.

Question is does this relationship have a reasonable chance of recovery? Is there any coming back from this? I feel that to do something like this at a time when he knows I'm missing him and feeling so vulnerable is such an abrupt change in character that either he's losing interest or struggling in some way. It sounds really petty but I don't feel I can come back from something so casually hurtful.

I think that @rvby made a valid point in the sense that the other person in the equation also has feelings and obviously the OP is feeling vulnerable but it's equally possible that the boyfriend also has feelings of vulnerability or other emotions that can only be best served by talking through. The mark of a good relationship is to be able to open up and be vulnerable to each other. Obviously there are some right tossers around and some people do take advantage but there are plenty of good, decent people around (with faults obviously - no-one is perfect) and feelings on both sides should always be taken into account.

@petaltothemetal71 Great point, thanks to an “interesting” childhood I have a chaotic attachment. I couldn’t hold down a relationship because I would cling, push away, read things into boyfriend’s behaviour that wasn’t there. Being aware my bad childhood made me understand why my behaviour was so erratic and I had empathy for my exes.

OP please be kind to yourself. You are obviously driving yourself nuts.

I think you need to realise what a long term successful relationship takes and vulnerability is one of those things. A person is loved for things that include being vulnerable. Most people want to be able to care for the person they love. Invulnerability doesn't lend itself to that.
You need more emotional maturity. Be kind to yourself and him.

OP don't forget you have DONE NOTHING WRONG! You've had some thoughts, that's all.

Why do you need a good night message every night? I would never even think of having to do this 🤔 sounds a bit teen like

I would rather walk off the edge of a cliff than be a victim. I am totally self reliant and would rather die than consider myself a victim or be dependent on anyone

Whoah

This is weapons grade avoidant attachment dysfunction. Please seek some therapy.

OP your follow up posts have been great. And for many people, the radio silence is a signal that they have changed their minds, you are right, I think that that the legitimate part of your worries was clearer from your follow up posts.

I think the same things I said upthread, he may have had a tough night himself, and so it isn't radio silence in the normal way. Basically, time will tell. I also think that if it is going to be a worthwhile long term relationship then you need to open up and be vulnerable gradually and see how it goes.

I think the difference between needy and vulnerable is that needy pushes full responsibility for needs onto the other person, whereas vulnerable communicates how you feel and your needs, still taking responsibility for it at the same time as accepting help when it is offered.

If it turns out to be radio silence in the way you feared then come back for more support but don't assume that yet

The word "victim" is not a slur. Don't treat it like one.

@petaltothemetal71 you say it yourself - this has triggered something. With you, not him. He is not psychic and nor is he responsible for your inner demons. If you don't fully communicate them to him, he also has no responsibility for helping you work through them. Though, to be honest, he doesn't really have anyway...strength doesn't come from not showing vulnerability. It comes from being a well self actualised individual. If there IS any question that you need to end this relationship, it would be in order to go away and work through these issues and sort yourself out. Not because of anything he has done...

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden exactly what I was thinking!

Once in over a year he didn’t say goodnight and you’re going to dump him and dont know how the relationship can recover?
Christ on a bike you’re a pain the area drama queen!!

You sound like really hard work.
Just communicate with the guy-he at least deserves that.

You need to be able to have vulnerability in your relationship. I would find it exhausting to have to 'save face' all the time, to only show my strong side, to have to change so many stories to edit out the bits that you imagine make you look vulnerable. Please, don't put yourself through that. Either you're using energy trying to second-guess what he sees as vulnerability and then airbrush them out of everything every day all the time, or he requires you not to show any vulnerability. Both of those are not a recipe for a happy time. Big hugs.

Blimey..I think you are reading too much into it. I'm in a LDR and we always message goodnight but the odd occasion either one of us has fallen asleep. It could be nothing more than that.

I totally recognise the issue is within myself and he's done nothing wrong

@petaltothemetal71 I don't want to stir you up again OP but I think you were right the first time when, admit it, you knew he kind of did. He blanked you all evening/night. Not only just didn't send you the questions but ignored/didn't get in touch with you all night.

How you've casually mentioned it to him in a measured way is really good. If he does it again you might have to be a bit stronger, explain a little of how it makes you feel etc. If he then does it again you'll have to reconsider the relationship perhaps.

It's not worth ending it over a one-off but keep an eye on things. xxxxx

I read your post and then had to look at it again because I wasn’t sure exactly what it was he had done that had upset you. I wouldn’t even mention this to him, you’re overreacting about not much of anything.

@NoMoreDickheads would you hoe stay call a few hours blanking someone?!
He was doing something social with his friends.
Even if he wasn't there is nothing wrong with not being on constant contact with somebody.

Thing do not need to be intense, OTT and absolutely frenetic with constant texting and being all about the other person all the time. Real, true, lasting and strong love isn’t about that. It’s about quietly being confident of each others’ care and affection and not needing constant affirmation of something that just is.

This is so true, OP. I'm in lockdown separate from my OH. I sent him a text one evening saying I missed him. He didn't reply for about 18 hours. I didn't panic or get aggrieved. I know he'll have read the text and thought 'ah, that's so sweet' and then not texted me back in case it disturbed me. Either that or he will have been about to reply and got distracted by another phone call or by his DD needing something.

He is secure enough in our relationship not to need continual reaffirmation and expects me to be too. If I'm feeling insecure I have a quick check - is this my issue or his? Do I need to sort it out on my own or is it worth saying 'when you do X I feel Y, please can we do things differently?' And it is important you phrase it like that, not 'you make my feel Y.'

It can be difficult initially to find a balance in which you make it clear you do love someone without going over the top or not being demonstrative enough. From the sounds of things your abusive relationships involved love-bombing from the other person and it's rather skewed your expectations of what is normal. You need to work on adjusting that and remember your insecurities are your issue, not his. Don't make them his and push him away, or you'll have a self-fulfilling prophecy.

OP, I think this podcast could help you with this issue of 'vulnerability' and dealing with issues:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-170-conflict-the-five-stages-of-relationships/

From the 'nuggets':
"Vulnerability sometimes means 'I’m going to have to bite the bullet and be honest in the area where I’m most scared of being honest.'
[....]
When we are afraid of relying on people, this can be a source of conflict at Stage 3. It’s about deepening intimacy through allowing us to trust by expressing our needs, asking for help and allowing us to be human and depend."

But the podcast goes into this much more. If you are unable to communicate effectively with someone you have known well for 18 months, then something is wrong - and not all on his side.