Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hello peeps, well Mr HotandYoung seemed to message a lot yesterday then disappeared, then again messages me this morning. I do feel I'm being breadcrumbed a bit which isn't great. It's boring me I think.

Secondly after @menora advice about deleting chats, I had done so on Friday night, then swiped on quite a few nice blokes. I seemed to click with one, Mr German, and we messaged all day Saturday then had a 3hr phone chat in the evening, not my usual style. He's actually very refreshing to get to know and I'm really hopeful we actually get to go on a real life date!!!

What do people think of moving to Whatsapp? I'm a bit old fashioned in that I like receiving messages via apps but with WhatsApp, it feels much shorter etc and much more paranoia if they haven't messaged. With Mr German, we moved to Whatsapp yesterday but I miss Tinder!! Am I being mad?

Eesha (sorry cant tag)
I know I have trust issues but a red flag for me is someone disappearing st the same time every day unless for work

You said before he messages in the mornings and not the afternoons, do you think he has a partner who works and is out of the house at set times?

If I'm chatting to someone regularly and then had to go do something for more than an hour I'd say bye, got things to do and tell them I'd catch them later or something...disappearing is rude

I just think sending messages is literally just the most minimal of effort really and doesn’t take a whole lot of investment on its own. I now don’t think I would put my stand next to someone who sends messages that it has any extra meaning, and try to take it for what it is at face value until it moves forward otherwise later on. Add in that it’s a bit boring right now but it doesn’t always have to be, if it’s always boring and vague I would get bored of it as well! There has to be some substance to it.

I have moved to WhatsApp with 2 or 3 irons now. Clingy had nothing to say and no convo so it dried up quickly. Mr Return and I have a nice flow back and forth, there are gaps so it’s not constant. It’s not really that flirty more friendly and we have not gone very deep. He’s asked me if I would like to do an online quiz with him which I am looking forward to. The second one is Mr Lorrydriver. He sent me a very nice polite message on Tinder so I have exchanged a few non sexual messages with him as well.

Today I had a very good looking but obviously horny one on Tinder go straight in with the sex chat 😂 for some reason this instantly just bores me. I think this is a good and a bad sign... clearly I am looking for something more meaningful but I do also need something that has a bit of passion in it!

@SortingItOut Yes, so he messages in the morning, then off, then at lunchtime. I actually believe he is working (tradesman) rather than has a partner but I do feel like he's a bit rude just disappearing then reappearing the next morning. I can't do a HELLOOOOOO message without looking obsessive either!!! I think it shall have to be yet another delete chat situation unfortunately....

Does he ever message in the evening? Ever?

He used to about a week ago pretty much all day, but something changed over the bank hols where we had a miscommunication thing so I didn't hear anything on the Mon/Tue then fell into messaging again after that but only till about 2pm each week day. Yesterday and today the mornings.

So my flirtationship reached 7 months yesterday.....this was never supposed to happen, I was only looking for a twice a week fuck buddy when I joined Fab!!!

We've not had the chat yet but he talks a lot about the future and when I had a stupid wobble last weekend and ended things, he rung me up to discuss things, we sorted it all out and he basically asked me to be his girlfriend but I panicked and asked if we could discuss it in person when we're next able to....

I dont know what's wrong with me except I was planning to be single forever after I got rid of my husband 2 years ago, plus I have huge trust issues and I'm emotionally unavailable but he thinks I'm amazing and we just clicked and have so much in common so why cant I let my barriers down more.

I hate that my ex has made me like this, it was seeing my ex last weekend for 1 minute, while collecting my daughter that made me have a wobble.
He just triggers something in me and I revert to negative thinking and then I think I'm not good enough for anyone and they can do better.

God I'm such a catch!!!

Sorting it out, maybe you should consider counselling to work through the issues with your ex and how that has impacted you.

Why deny yourself love and companionship because of the impact of your ex?

Do you have a eneral mistrust of men? Is that why you had resigned yourself to staying single? May be worth looking into.

@Eesha, I have a menopausal brain so please excuse my rubbish memory... you haven't actually met Mr Hot and young? You sound like you have your head screwed on and are keeping your options open with new irons. I think you are just going to have to sit this out until such time as you can get out to meet any of them in person. For whatever reason Mr Hot and young is being sporadic in his messages. We can't second guess why that might be. And you can only control your actions and reactions. Take a step back and if he's keen he will pursue you.

@Onesmallstep67 No we haven't met in person. Met via FAB. We have been chatting for about a month, continuous for the first 2 weeks then seemed to peter out a bit after Easter so no evening messages but still get daily good mornings etc. Im not too fussed now that I am deleting and swiping again.

eesha why not just ask MrHot what’s with the weird pattern now? Though probably the deleting thing is better 😂

sorting I was pretty much like you, did 6 weeks counselling and just felt so much more available and positive. It kind of rubbed out a couple of things that held me back. It may not work for you - but then again, it may. Good luck

@Windmillwhirl
I am planning on counselling as I know my head needs sorting and it's quite a big step for me to admit it.

I know logically I cant tar all men with the same brush as my ex but I cant get to thst point yet.

I lost trust in men when my husband had numerous emotional affairs and was emotionally and financially abusive during our 17 year marriage.
I should have left the first time but didnt and its completely screwed my head.

I trust my dad and brothers but men to have relationships with I definitely cant hence the staying single.

I think this is why I'm avoiding the exclusive chat, well any chat about us really because once we're exclusive I have to trust and I don't.
He has never given me a reason not to trust him and I know he's not had sex with anyone else since November (same as me) but once the words have been spoken I'm worried a switch will flick and I'll suddenly become controlling and stuff.

tiger thank you, I definitely think a short course of sessions would be enough.
Even my son (23) says he thinks I need counselling.

@Eesha I wouldn’t read much into him
Not messaging all day that’s exhausting anyway. Does he work ? I don’t message during work hours really and at weekends im gardening or decorating etc in the afternoon and don’t have my phone to hand. Are you speaking on the phone ? I never spoke to mr g on the phone before this and now we speak a lot so only message a little if we see or think of something that would interest each other rather than saying how are you or what you doing etc x

Sorting you are right to be careful, but dont give your ex any more power. A healthy, happy relationship can really add to your life. Why not allow yourself to enjoy one, until you are given a reason not to.

I hope counselling goes well for you. Its not just about trusting men but for you to learn to love and appreciate yourself for all you've gone through, which sounds like a lot x

I think if you have spoken to him in the evening before I would not worry too much. If it was only ever AM I might!

@Jane1978xx he does work. And we don't really chat on the phone. Certainly it's not the same as before and just bumbling along really. I've lost a lot of interest. I've messaged him now so will see if I don't get any response till tmw!!

I'm wondering how to sustain chat with Mr German for several more weeks as we flirt a lot anyway now. Usually I would have arranged to meet him asap but flirting for another month without meeting, is that feasible?

Scooting into the new thread to say hi. I've scaled right back on using MN and FB because it's all been a bit bonkers and I don't find it helpful ....

@SortingItOut I third counselling. I'm still having counselling, I've had some shitty stuff happen to me and it does really help.

I've got an issue with my fuckwit ex at the moment, and I've had loads of irons from before Mr BC pop up recently

Mr Lorry Driver has asked for a call date tonight
It’s nothing he’s done or not done... but we have only exchanged a few texts and I am not sure I can muster up the enthusiasm and all the effort to go into a first call. Mr Recent I would. I just feel like he’s put in so much more effort to talk to me and isn’t rushing me into anything.

I’m also in counselling

Ugh I hate phone calls at the best of times, being bounced into one early would send me screaming for the hills menora. Is he worth the effort? Might he be if you put it off for a few days?

Good to hear from you batshit, sorry you have ongoing issues with XH. I hope the lovely Mr BC is being supportive? And I know what you meAn about FB being mental. I’ve stopped using it, and stick strictly to Relationships on MN. Some people are at their best in a crisis, and some are...not.

@SortingItOut you sound pretty similar to me in many ways.

I'm also reaching 7 months with Mr N who I thought would just be a relationship of casual dates and sex. I can't think of anything wrong about him, other than that he's very keen on me which makes me think that he must either have very poor judgement or low self esteem to be satisfied with me as a girlfriend (I think of myself quite negatively - appearance, emotionally unavailable, I have a physical disability and I'm the resident parent 12/14 days to DC with additional needs).

I need to have a proper chat about all this with him once lockdown is over and we can meet up again.

I think counseling is a really good idea. I've been trying hard to let myself be vulnerable and be loved, but even hearing the word terrifies me.

I messaged MrHotandYoung this evening to say hello. He had messaged me in the morning to say hello etc but when I responded, he didn't reply. Anyway, messaged him in the evening and he immediately replied. I steered the chat quickly into the subject of ghosting and his thoughts on it. He said he didn't like it and was I thinking of ghosting him? I said not at all, was he? He responded no as well. So i said that I enjoyed chatting to him, and would like to meet post lockdown but that I'm conscious that's very far away. He responded he is still interested in meeting very much and that nothing has changed.

Mr German has been messaging me most of the day. I really like him though I miss his elaborate messages on Tinder versus shorter ones on WhatsApp. I can't see how it can be sustained for say another 4 weeks even though I really want it to. We only matched 48hrs ago and have been messaging regularly plus a 3hr phone call. How to keep things going over such a long period??

Glad you spoke to Mr Hot!

I didn’t do the call with Lorry Driver
Mr Return and I have chatted all evening on messaging though
Still mostly friend level but clearly getting to know each other better. He’s so nice to talk to! I could talk to him all day. I did suggest a phone call at some point... he’s shy

Morning everyone. haven't posted anything about my situation for a while because for the most part it's been jogging along but thwarted by lockdown. However over the weekend I have begun to feel increasingly unsettled and het up by things.
I will try to be brief. I chat to various guys, I am a bit of a plate spinner, probably a sign of my insecurity. Before lockdown I was having fairly regular sex with Mr Photography on a FB/FWB basis. I hadn't developed any feelings for him apart from liking him as a person.
The 2 guys making me feel rubbish this morning are Mr Van and Mr Cocky but I will post about them separately.I dated Mr Van exclusively Nov- to end of Jan when he more or less ghosted me, citing grief over the loss of his mom. It hit me hard as I had kind of fallen for him. I had one or two sporadic messages from him but end of March he got back in touch. We have been chatting a lot since, every day. I have tried to maintain it on a friendly basis. He was never the most flirtatious of people although the sexual chemistry was amazing. On paper we are quite a mismatch. He said his absence and lack of contact was nothing to do with me/us and no one else involved. Yesterday he went quiet and mid afternoon in a text told me he'd spoken to work, not good news. He assumed he was going to be furloughed but I assume they are now saying not. He drives a van, zero hours contract. I called last night but he didn't answer. Got a late whatsapp saying sorry he'd missed my call and would call this morning. Nothing so far. I think what frustrates me is my reactions to his behaviour. He's obviously someone who retreats when they have an issue. My reaction is to want to help and when he retreats I take it personally. That coupled with other stuff has made me feel pretty rubbish and vulnerable this morning