Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Is there something in particular you are re-thinking or that's making you have cold feet?
Personally it seems like quite early stages to be dropping the L word and with everything at a precarious place at the moment. Only you know the stage that you two are at and if you have known him long enough and enough about him to be feeling that way

@Dancerinthemoonlight I also think it's too soon. I don't know anymore. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years prior to this where I was love bombed at 17 and by 2 weeks in he dropped the L-bomb. I wonder if my brain is trying to make parallels. I wonder if I'm so messed up from that, I'm just waiting for something to go wrong, you know.

I don’t know if I am the best to give advice on this but I was in similar with Mr M timeline wise ish and he dropped the L bomb on me really early on too (and then look what happened). I wish I had taken more time to really consider what it meant, so I think it’s fine to acknowledge that actually you are not in the same place. It is how he handles that that matters as if he cares about you he will totally understand and be patient. When I said to Mr M that I thought it was all just lust and hormones it just made him more covertly pushy, which I mistook for genuine feelings at first. To be fair though this Mr Vegan is really putting in the actions as well and that is lovely. I would tell him you need more time and want to take it slow. See how he takes it

@CheesecakeAddict I know about the waiting for things to go wrong. I was telling my friend about Mr Army and she was like well he seems perfect, what's wrong with him. It's like I'm looking for red flags and for there to be things wrong, almost like don't get too comfortable because I will find something out that will be a massive red flag.
My first relationship was very similar to yours. Love bombed at 16, emotionally abusive and stayed with him for 8ish years. I was far to immature to be in such a.long relationship and I look back and think what the hell was I thinking. Why didn't I get out of it when he said he wanted to have a baby with me so I would be with him forever. Coincidentally never actually had sex with him, think it was him talking about baby trapping me that put me off. I was a late bloomer sex wise

I think you being hard on yourself Dancer you know
He isn’t always that chatty and he isn’t flirting with you as much it’s ok to find that confusing and want to talk about it

Nothing will be normal at the moment just accept taking is good and chat on phone or video xx

Hi, Just joining the thread. Need some advice please, set-up a new OLD account
just before lockdown (I know). Got chatting to a Man, seems very nice and serious. He said he had deleted his account and didn't want to talk to more than one person (we'd moved to messaging) and said I don't have to of course. I stupidly thought it means he's serious and wants a relationship, so hid my account. I chat with a couple of single friends and have shared his profile. One sent me a screenshot today which was his account. So he must have just unmatched me and continued swiping. I know we're not in a relationship! But it is still a lie. We been chatting throughout the day and speaking in the evening. He said he had told his Mum about me. He's told me lots of personal things and sent videos and photos of his little boy and seemed to like me and want a relationship. 1st date after lockdown was planned. Do I stop contact due to lying? Continue to chat and see. I shouldn't be this invested!

@Menora you are completely right. I know I'm my own worst enemy at times. Just as I'd given up from hearing from him today he messaged about a fitness tracker as we were talking about them last night.
I really need to learn how to just chill and not be so hard on myself at times.
As much as we all wish things were normal at the moment for me at least each day is looking like a replica of the previous day. There isn't really much to talk about as news is all covid-19 related. No one is going anywhere or doing any hobbies.

@Firetin I'd be wary because if he has told one lie who is to say that he is telling the truth about other things. Of course he could just keeping his options open incase there isn't that spark or connection when you meet post lockdown and not wanted to offend/hurt you by you knowing he was talking to other women. It's a very difficult line to walk.

@Firetin
Why do they lie? It’s SO frustrating. He didn’t need to. I’d say keep chatting but just be conscious and definetely don’t invest.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Thanks I think I will be wary about him (and best to be aware now than down the line if meet). I'm irritated with myself that I've already been so gullible. (He has been such an open book, with family and friends. I've checked who he is on FB and ref. his work Co. Hse (I know I said odd now)

@Myfabby
Exactly, it's just why say it out of the blue but not do it. Will remember this at least whilst talking with him.

OLD can be such hardwork!

@firetin you haven't been gullible. I'd keep your option open with regards to irons. Keep talking to him with the view of meeting but there isn't anything stopping you from talking to other men and seeing who else is out there.

@Firetin. At first online dating I would have continued the conversation. Now I would just bin him off. I’d be wary of anyone sending videos of their child to be honest, or pictures, so early. And if I was the mother of the child, I’d go absolutely mental if my ex was showing OLD matches our toddler/child
Lying about swiping/being online is just the start...what else is he lying about?

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Thanks. There's another man I moved over to messaging with and seems lovely but he works away overseas for months at a time (was overseas when lockdown announced and had to fly back). So with him I don't see the point as it can't go anywhere and I think like now! I'd just be someone to keep him company via messages. There was another but the chat has fizzled out. I thought lockdown would be a good way to get to know someone before meeting but it seems so men are desperate for daily messaging and calls and won't be in usual life.

@Mylifestartstoday
Good point. The photos and videos are bizarre. I've let my childrens names slip whilst talking (which I don't plan to do) but no photos or videos!
If I unhide my account now, he'll see I'm online. (Maybe it was to encourage me to do what I ended-up doing). The person I was dating before (6mths) is on there and I hate him seeing I'm online (but equally obvious I wouldn't have met someone in the last couple of months (and I need to not worry what he thinks). I may wait another couple of months until I can meet in person as the chat seems to fizzle out after so long.

@Firetin I would be a bit wary too. I would actually be really upfront with it and ask why he lied about being on OLD and your friends have seen his profile (in a video call so you can see how his face reacts and so he hasn't got time to formulate a lie). I mean, it's such a pointless lie because it's not as if the expectation was there from you to delete it, and it's the sneakiness that he unmatched you to continue swiping behind his back. I think his reaction to that would speak volumes about his character.

@Firetin maybe he changed his mind about deleting it and didn't say anything? Or keeping his options open? I would chat to others and keep your wits about you/so you don't invest.

I probably would not carry on talking to him either personally. Just if you have a bad feeling now, I am not sure it’s worth investing in. You don’t know him well enough yet he shouldn’t have put you in that position

Has he maybe deleted his app and think that deletes it ??

Even if he just deleted the app, he unmatched her as well. If this is Tinder? What account is it?
I didn’t delete my account I hid it then deleted the app. Mr M says he deleted his whole account. When I am back on now and unhid it, everyone is still in my matches from Dec/Jan who I haven’t removed except for Mr M so he could have done the same - unmatched me and carried on I would never know

Morning everyone.
Having been online dating on and off over the last few years I have become somewhat battle scarred by it but definitely wiser and more clued up ! In my experience if someone is genuine they will not be playing games, going awol or making empty promises. I have wasted a lot of time waiting and wondering which I now regret. It shouldn't feel like hard work. But of course when they get inside your head it can sometimes take a lot of resolve to walk away until you feel like you have given it your best shot.

It shouldn’t feel hard in the beginning - you are so right onesmallstep. Yup that’s why I love the rule if it’s not fun- stop.

Maybe its just my experience but I think its important to be very honest in this difficult time. I asked my partner(I refuse to call a 49 year old man my bf) outright at the start what he thought about how we would go not being able to see each other much. He said we are strong, we'll be ok. I take comfort in that. We meet for walks a couple of times a week, maintaining social distancing. We also text during the day, not loads as we are both key workers (both live alone) and are busy. I feel confident we will be ok.

Sorry to hear so many are struggling. I've been there before in relationships and it's no fun.

@Windmillwhirl why don’t you move in together on a temp basis if you both live alone ?

Hi Jane, I work in a hospital so my risk is higher than most. His parents live nearby and he gets their shopping and is helping them out during lockdown so it really wasn't feasible. I would be worried and I think he was too.

We are just going to ride this out and see what happens, but I think if we get through this then we are as strong as he says we are

Asking him would be a good idea and right about showing his character.
It's Tinder.
I unhid my account, just in the last few weeks I forgot it can be fun swiping and chatting so doing just that (I'll then get bored no doubt!)