Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@crazycatlady20 why would you even entertain this clown. He went to hospital and you asked a couple of times if he was ok so he blocked you? Aye right. The man is playing or entitled or a dick or a mix

Good news @Menora. I like it when someone on the thread meets a seemingly half decent bloke.

@crazycatlady20 If you were my sister, I'd be telling you he's a wrong 'un and it's all drama and he's not really trying to get to know you.

@crazycatlady20

My worry is really that this will be a pattern. I know I keep bringing him up but Mr M was such a head fuck and would do shit like this all the time. Make me worry about him then be annoyed with me for worrying or contacting him. A bit of a sorry but then also negging me that I was being annoying. In all honesty I began to question my whole personality to my friends and they were really cross with me about it. You will end up feeling lucky when he bothers with you and really sad when he doesn’t. His behaviour is really unkind and disrespectful. Unless you were spamming him every 20 mins with texts for 3 days all he had to say was ‘I’m not feeling too well thanks for your concern, I will contact you when I feel better I’m going to get some rest/I don’t want to use up all my battery’

I am actually raging with Mr Hospital. I hope his knob falls off

@crazycatlady20 I agree with everyone else in that I cannot fathom why you would engage with someone again that treared uoh do appallingly. Are you lonely, feeling low in yourself? It's worrying that you are prepared to ignore such terrible past behaviour. There are red flags everywhere here and you are ignoring them all. Why?

@crazycatlady20 sorry to jump on as well but are you even sure the hospital story is true because it smacks of bullshit to me. I honestly can't believe that anybody with an ounce of decency wouldn't let you know he was ok and would be in touch when he was home again.

Blocking you for being annoying? Ditch him he's a twat and a headfuck!

And @Menora I agree with others, he sounds great! If I recall correctly you were quite clear at the start that you wanted to keep things on a friendship basis and he's clearly respected your wishes. Now he's beginning to follow your lead, and imo it will need to be you leading initally if you set the boundaries particularly while you can't see each other because there is no body language to interpret. As I say he sounds lovely 👌

thanks for all your advice. you really have got me thinking. part of me thinks I am too nice, trusting, forgiving and do like to help people too much.

@supercali77 he did reply in afternoon but in evening he didnt. @tigerdater I was annoying him though, I had felt it myself. I should have pulled back and took things slower. @menora thanks for being annoyed on my behalf 🙂 he does tell me his troubles sometimes then if I try and help he'll say it's not really my prob to worry about (not in a cheeky way, like he doesnt want me to stress). He does seem to be really stressed, works long hours and said hes not coping.

@windmillwhirl I think its because i do feel it was partly my fault for pestering him. I am lonely yeah so was prob texting too much etc.

I'm not sure what it is, I block or stop talking to other people who have red flags etc but there is something about Mr Hospital that makes me always start chatting again.

I have been pretty open about what I'm looking for so was going to see how it goes. why would he agree if he wasnt really in to it? if he was an arse what's he really been getting out of it except a girl who texts and annoys him?

@crazycatlady20 he's playing you hot and cold. Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Don't accept being treated like that. You are already blaming yourself. You were annoying him. You should have done x etc. We shouldn't feel that way!

@crazycatlady20 it sounds like to you he is the best of a bad bunch. I think you are setting yourself up for a fall. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Asking how he was in hospital is hardly pestering. If he is offended or annoyed that easily to the point of blocking (I mean wtf? Really??? Talk about a drama llama) you'd be wise to give him a wide berth, not try and win him around again.

@crazycatlady20

Oh no. You BLOCK him. It takes 2 minutes to type that you were being full on ( which honestly I struggle to think you were given he was in hospital and there's a bloody pandemic -even if he didn't have the virus)

What he's done is set a precedent for how he is going to treat you going forward. And you are saying oh I accept this- willingly.

For one you are going to be be assessing every interaction in case you are full on, or too caring or whatever.

The next time he feels like it he will block you again and unblock.

You are worth so much MORE! Don't settle for this bullcrap.

@Notcoolmumhinking this man respects you enough to give you the truth. Why does he come back if hes not bothered? As @notcoolmum says - read mr unavailable. There are numerous reasons and really the only thing that matters is that he's a shit show

@crazycatlady20 yes you probably were annoying/pestering him but the point is how he reacted, blocking you and leaving you hanging. That is not acceptable. Ok, he’s stressed, but why do you want to fix him/be there for him/support him? You’re showing that you’re give give give and he’s learning that he can take take take.

In your shoes I would message him to wish him well but the issues he has mean that he is in no place to give you what you want.

Er. What happened to my post its cut a large part off and mixed up some text. Trying again

@crazycatlady20 dont confuse a 'connection' with respect and decency. The latter 2 are essential. A connection is also required but with the latter you got nothing. If you were texting a lot how hard is this to write 'thanks for your concern but I'm going off comms for a bit, I'll be in touch'. Boom. He doesnt respect you enough for the truth and communication. Which means no matter what he thinks....that's the kind of man you're entertaining.

And reasons why he'd get back in touch. Mr unavailable. Plenty of reasons in there. The point is. Why do you give a shit whether hes interested. Is a random blocking because you were concerned really the type of person you'd like to hitch your cart to?

@crazycatlady20 Everyone is annoying sometimes (some of us more than others), it doesn’t give people a reason to punish you by acting like a twat. If he genuinely needed a break from you while in hospital that’s fine, but you can communicate that to someone without being a dick.

Can I join you all please? Finally dabbling my toes in OLD after leaving a husband in August. Not really done dating since, never done OLD. Chatting to someone who seems nice so far but it's only been 12 hours... I'm here to learn tips from you all and share the excitement ready for lockdown ending!

I'm feeling really confused and upset altho I think I know you are all right.

I've txt him twice today just asking how he is and a follow up question and he has answered quickly but not asked anything of me. needy or not I think I need more even if he is feeling ill in bed. hes online so not sleeping.

Feels like im a bit scatty if I go back to him today saying something different from last night after 2 txts. I'll want to explain and will all sound a bit serious. I'm also not 100% I'm going to be able to break it off completely.

@crazycatlady20 if you come across as a bit needy, a bit scatty, so what? You are you, and you have the right to have needs/change position/explain if that’s what you want. I just seriously doubt that he gives a toss, I’m sorry, especially as he’s online and not responding fully.

@crazycatlady20 Can you remind me of your history with this iron? How long seeing him/frequency of meeting before lockdown/had sex/had an exclusivity talk/agreed that you were looking for similar things in a relationship?

@crazycatlady20 i just think he isn't interested anymore. Maybe pull back a bit. I know it's hard but try not to second guess yourself.

This thread is about to go bang - I've started a new one...Let's hope it brings better luck than this one.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3906927-Dating-Thread-189-The-One-Where-We-Date-Without-Meeting-or-Leaving-Home?watched=1