Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@crazycatlady20 sorry to hear that, I didn't realise you had met.
I don't get why people can be so cruel. You're not an idiot. This is on him, not you. Look after yourself today.

Menora sounds painful, hope you get the treatment you need quickly

@downtheglen I have had something similar and I'm looking for it again. I think you have to be very clear up front what you want. Is it just that you don't want to meet each other's children? What about meeting friends? Will meeting every other weekend be enough?

crazycat* that's awful. I'm so sorry he's behaved like that. You didn't deserve it and it shows his weakness of character. Doesn't make it less painful though.

@Onesmallstep67 what is it you want? Mr cocky sounds totally untrustworthy. That's who he is. How he lives his life. Is that what you want? Have you read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl?

@Notcoolmum, I think I have become blind to his faults, or rather I can see them but I am too weak willed to walk away from him. I have some self esteem issues. I probably look fairly together on the outside but I am craving love and attention. He was a very early addition to my life following the death of my DH. Mr Cocky made me feel sexy after a very tough time and gave me hope that life would go on. He's been around for the death of both my parents and always seems to say the right thing when my DDs are stressing me or I am worried about them. In many ways he gives me what I need but the situation has always been complicated.
I think it's time to look at Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl.

@Onesmallstep67 I think he is showing you who he is, you need to either accept or walk away. It's terribly hard I know, I walked away from my FWB who essentially gave me a new lease of life after an abusive relationship but he just constantly showed me who he was and I just realised it wasn't for me. It's hard being alone at times but you need to work out whether you can cope as he won't change and may even be playing you sadly.

Thanks all
I am in no better shape as the chemist did not have what I needed in stock

@Onesmallstep67
He was a chapter of your life at one time. That’s ok. But he doesn’t fit anymore. You are not the same person as 6 years ago. He actually is a bad reminder IMO
This doesn’t have to be a block and hate job - just cut yourself free from him. See it as liberating yourself?

@Eesha, you are right. If this was my friend describing they were in this situation, or someone on here, I would be telling them that it's clearly him who has the issues and is unlikely ever to be what they need. I think I need to take a step back from him. I just listened to a free sample of Mr Unavailable and it could have been written with me and him in mind. Thank you.
And sorry to hear your iron has disappeared. Time for a fresh start for both of us

@Menora, that's very true. Since I posted I have been thinking and going cold turkey seems difficult so I am going to send him a whatsapp message telling him how I have been feeling and suggest that we take a step back. Then maybe revert to just email in the week when he's at work. And once we get a bit more freedom to start dating again see what happens with my other irons. It's been an interesting time during lockdown.
Herniated piles are awful. My DH had them once and was in agony.

Do read it @Onesmallstep67 I think those of us who have been in those situations feel like it was written for us. It's very insightful. It sounds like Mr Cocky has served his purpose and now you are ready to move on and find someone who can give you what you need now. Not what you needed then.

@crazycatlady20 can't believe someone would go to these lengths, so sorry to you.

Mr Farmer is a lot more chatty today, it's hard when someone is up and down but you can't insist they open up to you. I guess all we can do is see how things go when lockdown is over ... if it lasts that long!

Thanks @EchoElephant for replying.
We both have said that this is what we would like but to be exclusive.
We don't want in our futures separately, to be part of a blended family but would like to keep it between us . The kids would be told in time and there may be introductions but they will essentially be separate.
We would meet family and friends socially, ideally

@Onesmallstep67
I really like the fact you keep coming back to discuss Mr Cocky, I think you posted last week or the week before when he did something else that didnt sit right.
I think you know the end is nigh but you're not quite ready to do the ending, try to read Mr Unavailable because it will open your eyes more.

Please dont worry about the sunk cost fallacy, yes you've done 6 years together, yes he has supported you a lot but we have people in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I think he has been your season and seasons come and go with ease.

You can do this, we've got your back.

Hi all I think I’ve just finished things with mr g. Not sure how I feel these last few weeks I feel like I’ve been making all the effort. I challenged him on this and he said somethings about he’d been thinking things over and wasn’t sure after all this if he wanted a relationship etc etc. So I just said I’ll leave it with you to think about things and get in touch - I’m
Guessing he wont from his attitude.

Thank you everyone for the supportive advice and zero judgement which means a lot . We had exchanged a couple of whatsapp this morning about our chat last night which came to an abrupt end. He thought I didn't want to message. I have just told him that the ambiguity of messaging is not great and that I didn't feel it was good for my mental health at the moment. I have deleted our chat which according to whatsapp as it was deleting consisted of 5025 messages. I will see if he emails tomorrow morning and what he says. I think there has definitely been a shift for me.

@Jane1978xx
I'm sorry to hear this, it's good that you could raise it with him but what a twit for not saying something sooner.
Remember that even if he comes back and says he's had a think and he does want you that you can say no.
You are the prize and you deserve better

@Onesmallstep67
Talk about taking the bull by the horns - make a decision and act on it.
You've done really well to act so quickly.
Deleting the messages is very symbolic and I think you know where this is heading.

@sortingitout it’s hard as I don’t think this would have happened if we were seeing each other. I think that’s it thou , it’s been 6 months since I met him so a big chunk of time

@Jane1978xx, oh gosh I'm sorry to hear that. It seemed you and Mr G were doing well. I think lockdown has had a big impact on people. Hope you are doing okay.

We were but he has these times he goes silent. I prob shouldn’t have called him up on it and I’d hoped he’d just say they were times he was really stressed but other stuffs come up 🤷🏼‍♀️. Maybe he thought like this for a while but didn’t want to dump me during the lockdown

sorry to hear that @jane1978xx

Sorry to hear that Jane x

Oof @Jane1978xx I’m really sorry, not a great thing to hear from him but the trick now is not to overthink what happened from his perspective. Think about YOU.

Fuck lockdown

@HairyArsedMan are you ok? I couldn’t make much sense of your post.

It’s probably for the best I was getting stressed and reading too much into his messages and calls etc. It’s been 7 weeks now and could be another 6 before we could meet it’s just too long. Thats longer than we’d been seeing each other

@TigerDater Yeah I'm fine, I was just thinking about why I've chosen those I loved and was wondering about the fallibility of 'the gut feel' in those cases. I didn't express it very well !

Sorry @Jane1978xx I hope you are ok
Sounds like best for your own sanity

@HairyArsedMan
I look back and think it wasn’t love half the time! Not real love