Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@menora I agree with that.....

@Jane1978xx so sorry to hear that. It is so hard on lockdown and I agree if you could see each other it would be so much easier.
We are all overthinking and overanalysing which doesn’t help. And the future is still so unknown. Maybe it’s for the best for now, and after lockdown who knows whether you may both want to rekindle things

Lockdown is really taking its toll on us 😢

I could have kept quiet and all this come out in 6-8 weeks time when we could meet which would be worse I guess.

Sorry to hear that, Jane. I'm sure you gave this a lot of thought. It hurts when someone doesnt make the effort. Lockdown or not, it's not hard to do/say something thoughtful.

I don't think you did anything wrong @Jane1978xx

I think speaking up for your feelings is important. Like you say, you were expecting a response that he was feeling the strain. But you got a different one and it led to you making a decision. Please don’t think you should not have asked. I thought this too with Mr M but in the end I would rather know something sooner than later and actually you would have always wondered and maybe resented his silence

At times he was thoughtful and would send lovely messages but other times hours and hours to reply and one word answers. I just thought he’d say it was those times he was stressed or upset (can’t see his kids) or busy or just not chatty. But now I know.

Jane people like this are their own worst enemy. They don’t explain things to people and you are left wondering and end up having to ask. Then nice to know he’s not communicated his thoughts with you right? You had to get all worked up about it to find out. Totally understand that everyone is allowed to change your mind but I don’t want to be with someone who basically hides from me and nor do you

I am feeling better now 😂 last 2 days horrendous!

I got pissed on Friday night in some mad long drunk crazy FaceTime party session with my friends. Ended up texting Mr Return till 3am (obviously he was texting me too) and I just deleted the whole thread the next day without looking at it when I woke up because I am pretty sure I was flirting/getting mildly saucy and I was cringing so much. He has not mentioned it though and I am not sure what to think of it 😂

I think you have good gut instincts, Jane. You had been anxious for a while and he eventually confirmed how he was feeling when you pressed the issue.

I've been with someone around the same time you you have, perhaps slightly more. It's not easy being apart but I dont feel anxious about his intentions. If I did, I'd have confronted it head on exactly as you did. It was a brave thing to do, but clearly you realise you deserve better. I think you should be very proud of that.

Happy Birthday @BatshitCrazyWoman
@Jane1978xx sorry to hear your news but whilst it's difficult to keep things going when you're not seeing each other, he would appear to either have a different communication style to you, or issues in his life you're not aware of, or just be insensitive to how his lack of or minimal contact impacts on you. It's a thread cliche but you deserve more and I suspect you'd have seen this at some point in your relationship even without the social distancing interruption. So don't start second guessing yourself, it's not you etc etc.
@Notcoolmum loved your update, you sound very very happy 👏
And I echo the comments from sunshine and others about wanting to keep my independence in a relationship. Not sure I'm ready to live with somebody again, and I know for a fact that my son would be extremely nervous and uncomfortable about any family merging if I moved in with somebody. It's encouraging to hear plenty of women stating the same as my recent experience has been with women who definitely see their future living with a new partner.
Doesn't mean I wouldn't love somebody because I dont want to share every aspect of my life with them, just in a different way to how I felt about my exw I suppose 🤷‍♂️

Hi all, just posted a thread (To rejoin the world of online dating?) as thinking about it. Describes the reasons I left and wondering if anything has improved? Would be great to hear about apps you belong to and if it's worth rejoining. I was on tinder before but felt like a lot of work for very little outcome. Thanks!

Hi welcome!

I have only ever done POF, tinder and bumble
Match years ago was rubbish
I have had short relationships and a lot of dates/chats from those apps. But recently it was hard going I think due to lockdown
And it’s a numbers game of swiping and swiping!

Thanks @Menora! Yes true, numbers game. Is bumble similar to tinder, but the woman must respond first or something. Do you see the same people on all apps?

Jane....

Just read a couple of your recent posts. I am like you and wonder why one minute lots of messages and then silence... similar in that we are in a new relationship...

I think messages and online type relationships are difficult to sustain unless there is prior to lock down and already in a good place.

Thanks @ant330. What's going on in your world?

I would like to live with someone in the future. I've lived on my own with the kids now for 13 years. But I don't think it would happen until they have left home. I miss sharing the domesticity of life with someone. But I also have hard won independence so I wouldn't want to give that up.

Everything ebbs and flows - if I don’t want to talk or am busy I will say ‘sorry I am doing X or can we talk later’ I won’t just ignore them

Bumble you do have to message first yes - and most guys are on both!
I had like 99+ swipes and so many matches and hardly any men bothered to message or just had 1 word to say. It was tiring

Thank you for all the birthday wishes everyone!! I think I'll celebrate properly when we are able to at least go out for tea and cale!

#@JeSuisPrest and @Jane1978xx so sorry to read your news

Cake!! Not cale!

Kale 🤮. Sensible idea to wait for cake though BatShit. I hope you’ve still had a nice day.

In the end I suppose it’s natural to question ‘what is love?’ as we go through our lives. I think experience has taught me not to go on gut feel alone if it’s a positive gut feel, but always to go on it if it’s negative. I trust my intuition/judgement on that front at least. A gut feel of warm fuzziness, such as Mr GN gives me, is lovely but it’s just one factor and other factors - independence, finances, family - have way more weight. If someone asks me if I’m in love or whatever, I just laugh in their face.

@Weallhavevalidopinions we’ve been together 4 months so it’s not very new. Also it’s the tone as well as number of messages , from messaging 40/50 times a day and an hour phone call to a few one word answers other days is crazy .

@Notcoolmum nothing dating related which is why I dont post much atm.
Still in touch with MissH but just as friends. She brings up the topic of trying again or drops in some innuendos occasionally, which I just ignore or reiterate that I'm not talking about it until we can do it in person and life starts getting back to some kind of normality.
Apart from that keeping myself busy with gardening when it's sunny and decorating when it's not. Apart from missing my friends I'm coping fine with this, quite like my own company so I'm staying sane and son is with me 50% of the week which is lovely! So all good here just nothing dating related.
Talk of the devil she's just texted me complaining that we still can't see each other after the PMs update 😂

What does everyone think about the PM's update.
I think it was pretty much a waste of time. Nothing is really being changed and it will still be weeks if not a month or more until we can see any of our irons.
Honestly I'm feeling pissed off about it and worried about the job market post lockdown.

It didn’t really mean much to me. I have been working the whole time

Dancer think it was to be expected while the number of deaths is still as high as it is.
Obviously they're trying to get the economy going again by encouraging those who can't wfh to go back to work. But yes it looks like it will be July before any semblance of normality starts to return.
On one hand I think increasing the financial penalties to morons who flout the rules is a good thing, but then saying people can exercise as much as they like, play football, and sunbathe in parks just makes the police's job even harder 🙄