Older men are sad pervs?

[Emerald46]

I've read the entire 'Age Gap' thread on here and just feel depressed! Why do men, often in their late forties/early fifties decide now is the time in their life to get together with a much younger woman and is it wrong?

I 'feel' it's wrong but some of the people I've discussed it with have a very ' oh women just like older men' view. I know the reasons why this happens - patriarchy, us all being fed a diet of sexism on films over years and years of attractive older men being flirted with by much younger, scantily clad women etc etc. I know in the bad old days, women weren't encouraged to aspire for a career or financial independence as much as today so older men seemed a safer bet security-wise but....surely that's all in the past now??

I did online dating about six years ago and on match.com and 'my single friend' the men almost always specified 'acceptable' age range for the women they would date to be from much younger - say 20-odd years - up to (if we are lucky) their own age. I didn't join those sites but when I got chatting to men on POF, the men often said things like, "Well women are just as bad, I got a message from a woman in her 60s!!!"....this would be from a man in his 50s. So, he wouldn't consider chatting to a woman10 years younger either then because a ten year gap would be ridiculous? " Oh yes, but women tend to like older men" was the stock reply. It just irritated me so much.

But am I wrong to think this is misogynistic/sexist/sad/pathetic?

I don't think all couples should be aged within a few years of each other. I just find it sad that so many men seem to specifically look for much younger women but never older women. And why do young women date these men?

I'm not bitter - I'm in a happy, long-term (I hope!) relationship with a lovely man (one year younger than me) but I'm curious. And a bit despondent about the male species tonight...

Young men are huge pervs on older women! And women in general
It's no way a age thing

this is very ageist OP. I think you should get it deleted

The basis of online dating seems shallow anyway. I’m not saying it in a judgemental way but in a practical way, you don’t know these people so you have to start somewhere, in this case it’s a set of criteria and whatever they write on their profiles.

I’m not really bothered if old men like young women and said young women like older men. If they like each other, then great. What I would find creepy is if a young lady specifies she wants someone around her age and the old guy tried anyway.

The rest is preference, we all have them. I read somewhere that some people were trying to get dating apps to remove certain search criteria to force members to see profiles of people who do not fit their preferences, whatever they are. I don’t get. We are all allowed preferences.

I think i read post the other day from a 61 year old woman talking about OLD and she set her max age at 45. Good for her.

As for why?
Why does a dog lick it’s balls? Because it can!

As for why?
Why does a dog lick it’s balls? Because it can!

Exactly! And sif she has no interest she can either give up, wait or change criteria! Its a free country.

OP... you're comment is a huge generalisation...but I imagine many older men the ego boost of a young lady.

The age gap can allow for too much manipulation, because of difference in life experience.

This isn't always the case though. I have 2 friends in large age gap relationships and they're both really happy.

In both cases the man is rich and older, but genuinely nice men.and not pervs in any way at all.

17 years gap with one and 22 in the other.

Men's dating age preference

I was probably part of the thread you were reading. 16 years between me and my fiance. I'm late 20s, he is mid 40s.

All the men I dated before him were the same age as me, a year older maximum. I didnt want any of them. They were boring. They just wanted to go out in the evenings and get drunk. I made all the conversation.

Met my fiance and knew he was The One. Intelligent, funny, thoughtful, well travelled, with a great career and proud of being self reliant (knew from his spotless house I would never have to wash his socks etc! Also turns out he is a great cook).

And so, 3 years later we have 9mo DD. Got engaged and are marrying in autumn. He hasn't changed one bit, last weekend he got up early with DD (he normally does this) and brought me smoked salmon bagels and coffee in bed just because. Every day when he finishes work he takes DD and tells me to go and have some time to myself, be it half an hour or 2 hours. He isnt stuck in his ways and gives new things a chance (getting him into mindfulness at the moment!). We laugh every day, life with him is funny. He wont let me walk anywhere or catch the bus if it is raining and insists on driving me.

Do I worry about the age gap? Of course I do. I am well aware I could end up caring for him one day. But why wouldn't I want to care for him? At least I will be physically able to do so, if we were both 80 we would struggle.

But hey if you're relying on hollyweird movies to give you an accurate view of the world then you wont believe me anyway.

The only older men I’ve seen younger attractive women remotely interested in have been very comfortably off, decent looking and usually quite successful , they may well like the guys too but I don’t doubt that they wouldn’t be as keen on Keith the 17st local bin man .

Hi, thanks for responses - interesting..... I guess I'm surprised that any woman would want a man so much older because to me it suggests said man doesn't want an equal/is shallow.

When I was late 20s I was finishing my masters and writing my first book. I definitely would not have been interested in a man who wanted to look after me - yuk. But then I absolutely agree that women are entitled to find a man of any age attractive and want a relationship with them...it's hard to remove the undeniable influence of media, patriarchy etc over the years normalising that though. I just find those age Gap relationships grim.

Some men are: misogynistic/sexist/sad/pathetic

Some aren't.

Regardless of age.

Majority of people end up married/partnered with people similar age range to them. Look at the statistics.

I'm surprised that any woman would want a man so much older because to me it suggests said man doesn't want an equal
Or maybe she could be pleased that someone more mature and experienced considers her his intellectual/social equal.

Are you also considering the theory that younger women who date older men are sad pervs?

Its very wrong to assume that these younger women want "looking after" and do not have careers and ambition of their own. Where do you get that from??

@tarasmalatarocks
Poor Keith 🤣

It is very difficult for women to date in this day and age. I run several dating support Facebook groups and a few other related advice blogs etc and sadly women open up their dating pool considerably by dating older men. Many men want to date younger and a lot of women are open to it for a variety of reasons. Men are very visual, more so than women so the nature of old means that men pay more attention to the pics than the bios. Women still look at the pics but they're more likely to be swayed by what is written and the guy's approach. Older women 40+ have it pretty tough in the online dating world because the guys their own age will be distracted by the pics of the women in their 20s and 30s. They will get messages from 60+ men or by men in their 20s and 30s who will not be looking for a relationship with them, more a quick hook up for the experience of an older woman. My husband and I met on OLD and he is ten years older. I know when we've watched dating programmes on tv he will say things like 'I wouldn't have dated her. She looks old/haggard' and in reality I know they look perfectly nice and are more his age group than mine. There's a bar local to us here and I used to run some singles nights there but I found it very disheartening. You will get large groups of men come in in their fifties but they will be too busy staring at the young bar girls and passing trade than the perfectly lovely ladies that have come to the singles night and are their age. It's annoying that men often don't see the worth in a lady their own age.

I think my ideal age of a man is 38.

When i was in my 20s, the men i dated were mid to late 30s.

I got married at 30 to a 38yo.

Divorced at 43..

Im 51 now . My dp is 38 (been together 6 years)

I keep warning him he's approaching his best before date.

@sluj a lot of women do what to be taken out and wined and dined, spoilt and fussed over. I did and I feel no shame in it. I can also look after myself if I need to. The saying 'better to be an old man's darling than a young man's fool' springs to mind. It might be objectionable and old fashioned but when it comes to attraction and male/ female relationships the old ways tend to endure

I was married to a man 22 years older than me, we were together for 20 years and had an amazing relationship. I didn't choose him for his age, his job or his financial situation (a divorced factory worker with two kids in a council house!) but his personality, sense of humour and kindness. We met by chance rather than online, and we were friends first, which I think helped because we got to know each other. He had never dated anyone outside of his general age before (his ex wife is 4 years younger) but we got on really well, there was no power imbalance at all.

I will never date again, but if I did, I wouldn't be put off by age necessarily. Love is love, no matter where you find it. I was no trophy wife, but I can't deny it does happen and there are men who see women as reflections of their success and virility.

Some men ate controlling and abusive. Some men choose women they see as pliable and easier to control or abuse, they are often younger women. It's not the age gap itself that causes problems, it's the abusive man.

Hi @triedandtestedteacher, thanks, it's so interesting to hear from someone who has run this business first-hand so you know what you're talking about. Yes, I completely understand the distraction of pics thing versus the reality of same age. Did you challenge your partner when he said women his age were haggered looking? That would fuck me off! God that bar stuff is depressing! I remember that about the profile narrative - so many men put 'nobody reads this so no point writing anything's! Wtf...what else am I going to go on apart from a couple of fuzzy pics?

I totally agree about abusive people can be any age @AndNoneForGretchenWieners

I always dated younger men. I'd do the same with preferences. I was mid 30s, looked a lot younger and didn't want to date men who, felt to me to look like my dad. Yes very shallow! But also, as you said, if I didn't, I'd get hit on by tons of men in their 40s, 50s etc who wouldn't dream of dating a woman their own age but thought it was fine to chase younger ones.

So I agree in part OP. But also, there's definitely a growing trend for older women chasing younger men and I'm 100% supportive :)

What I also found was a huge shortage of mid 30s men who were available, who didn't live with their parents or who didn't come with an excess of baggage they'd not dealt with.

The younger ones, whilst I didn't care about their status, often felt emasculated because I owned my own home and had a good job. The ones in their 30s seemed to be a melting pot of disaster zones. The ones who were in their 40s were probably the most stable, it's just I preferred a younger looking man..

I never found it on a dating site. Lots of fun and learned a lot but in the end found my wonderful DH whilst at work.

I do sometimes because trying to help ladies in their 40s and older means I see it from their point of view so yes I get defensive of them.

@Emerald46

Oh so THAT'S why you started the thread. You wanted to shoehorn in that you have done a masters and published books and are far too intelligent to date an older man, to make yourself feel superior and at the same time have a pop at others.

Big well done, here is your medal 🏅

Got to go, fiance is looking after our daughter so I can have a bubble bath.

It's the same reason that most women won't date a man under a certain height. Evolution has primed men and women to have certain preferences in the opposite sex, due to those preferences making it more likely that their ancestors passed on their genes.