Older men are sad pervs?

[Emerald46]

I've read the entire 'Age Gap' thread on here and just feel depressed! Why do men, often in their late forties/early fifties decide now is the time in their life to get together with a much younger woman and is it wrong?

I 'feel' it's wrong but some of the people I've discussed it with have a very ' oh women just like older men' view. I know the reasons why this happens - patriarchy, us all being fed a diet of sexism on films over years and years of attractive older men being flirted with by much younger, scantily clad women etc etc. I know in the bad old days, women weren't encouraged to aspire for a career or financial independence as much as today so older men seemed a safer bet security-wise but....surely that's all in the past now??

I did online dating about six years ago and on match.com and 'my single friend' the men almost always specified 'acceptable' age range for the women they would date to be from much younger - say 20-odd years - up to (if we are lucky) their own age. I didn't join those sites but when I got chatting to men on POF, the men often said things like, "Well women are just as bad, I got a message from a woman in her 60s!!!"....this would be from a man in his 50s. So, he wouldn't consider chatting to a woman10 years younger either then because a ten year gap would be ridiculous? " Oh yes, but women tend to like older men" was the stock reply. It just irritated me so much.

But am I wrong to think this is misogynistic/sexist/sad/pathetic?

I don't think all couples should be aged within a few years of each other. I just find it sad that so many men seem to specifically look for much younger women but never older women. And why do young women date these men?

I'm not bitter - I'm in a happy, long-term (I hope!) relationship with a lovely man (one year younger than me) but I'm curious. And a bit despondent about the male species tonight...

I just wish they came with younger cocks but viagra is great for that.

Dh is 12 years older than me.

I wasn't attracted to his money (I had more) and feel we were equally intelligent (masters in the same stem degree).

He just had a calmness and confidence about him that younger men I'd dated lacked. He was kind, funny (not in the brash immature way my peers were at the time) and fucking amazing in bed.

I didn't see his age as relevant.

I had a boyfriend my own age at 19 who seemed to morph once he thought he 'had me' into an arrogant prick who tried his best to make me feel beneath him.

I think men like that, who need to feel superior to women, are like it at any age.

@PinaColadaintheRain I find it so strange that you would look at a couple you know nothing about and find it 'painful' or 'awkward' based on absolutely nothing but age.

My fiancé is 15 years older than me. I've ha several relationships with people younger, older and my own age. This is the biggest age gap relationship I've had and it's also the happiest and most fulfilling. I know it's not what you want to hear but there genuinely are no power dynamics. We both contribute equally financially and emotionally. He has taken on my dc. We have similar interests but also enjoy talking about our generational differences. It just works. And I don't even notice the age gap now because I look at him a person who I love not him as 'an older man'.

Obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinions and preferences but I have a very live and let live attitude and find it depressing that others would take the time to judge and scorn a relationship they know nothing about.

I don't think majority of the public have an issue with a 10+ year age gap. It's when you enter the 20+ year age gap when your partner could be your dad that I find icky.

I had my daughter age 22 so yes I do judge such couples.

@ukgift2016 ... judge them for what? Finding someone they like and having an equal relationship? ... or judge them for other reasons that you have decided are true without knowing them?

Although to be honest I judge people who judge other people with no understanding of them

@PinaColadaintheRain but you're automatically making the assumption those things are always true. They're not. Most equal relationship I've ever had

Oh it's relative isn't it. The original post this is a TAAT of was a 22 year old woman and a man 28 years her senior. There is no way that man is interested in that 22 year old woman for her mind. a 15 year age gap when you are 35 is very different. I personally wouldn't want such a big age gap because ime as you get older the gap is more apparent.

My bf is 52, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would never want to sleep with someone my daughter's age. He just wouldn't be interested. For sex or otherwise. Why would he? But I also know my daughters wouldn't look at him either. Any relationship with my daughters and a much older man would just be dodgy. Because although they may have fantastic young bodies, they are impressionable and young and have no life experience whatsoever.

I don't really subscribe to the view that all men are dirty old men who just want to shag younger women because they are driven by a primal need to mate or shag or whatever. Most men aren't like that.

I did date someone who had previously gone out with someone 25 years younger than him. He did turn out to be very controlling and abusive. He also thought my daughters fancied him. (they are 14 and 16 at the time). Vile.

I should say I didn't know he thought that when I was with him.

I'm in my 50s and he was 30. I didn't feel used, and he treated me well. After that I dated a man in his 40s who was immature idiot. Age makes no difference as far as attitude goes. But men my age are mostly ready to put their be-slippered feet up and settle into their favourite armchair. I'm just nit ready for that lifestyle just yet. I can not understand what a 20something woman with her whole life ahead of her would want with a man of that age

I find it funny on MN that everytime a woman asks I'm 43, 46, 48 is it too old to have a baby (usually with a partner of the same age or older). The replies are flooded with 40 something and 50 something women saying how fit and active they are, more so than 20 and 30 year olds, they hike climb and will be well active into their 60s so absolutely manage a toddler in their 50s and a teenager in their 60s. That's great!.

But on MN as soon as anyone mentions you get women dating men in their 40s and 50s the same healthy active fit men are suddenly old before their time, overweight, unfit and suffering from ED.pl

Pick one MN.

I also find it telling that in both scenarios young women are scapegoated as the villains

1. They are overweight, im uncommitted relationships, unfit, phone obsessed, financially unstable and lack career ambition to have children so young when the perfect age to have children is 40+
2. They are vapid, self-obsessed, naive, unintelligent, looking to be taken care of bimbos to even consider dating older men.

I hope when I get to my 40s I don't adopt such a misogynistic, ageist view of women younger than me and a patronising "I been there before you and have all the answers" attitude

Many, many older men, not all, but many, are just base animals, to be honest, in that lust at the heart of it will drive them. A young, slim, smooth-skinned beautiful woman, or an aging one? It's not pc and they won't admit it it but it's factually true. Because men are base animals at the heart of it. There are obviously decent men out there who see young women ad the children they are relative to their age and I doesn't turn them on at all. But they are in the minority, as facts, cheating tales, men's forums, etc she time and time and time again.

But on MN as soon as anyone mentions you get women dating men in their 40s and 50s the same healthy active fit men are suddenly old before their time, overweight, unfit and suffering fromED

Hahaha that's just so not true 😂 60s and 70s maybe...please quote which threads you're talking about.

@YouJustDoYou 'factually true' - I would be interested in the source of these facts. You are making massive generalisations.

I honestly don't have the time or inclination to spend my life judging relationships I know nothing about. What a depressing way to live, seeking out theories and 'facts' to argue why couples you know nothing about have a flawed relationship.

I'm in my 50s and he was 30. I didn't feel used, and he treated me well. After that I dated a man in his 40s who was immature idiot. Age makes no difference as far as attitude goes. But men my age are mostly ready to put their be-slippered feet up and settle into their favourite armchair. I'm just nit ready for that lifestyle just yet. I can not understand what a 20something woman with her whole life ahead of her would want with a man of that age

In this very thread a poster said she is in her 50s and doesn't understand why a young woman would want a man her age as they all want to put their slippers on and stay at home.

Virtually every thread about age gap relationships on MN. Pick one and within the first page all you will read is people foaming at the mouth about such relationships

'factually true' - I would be interested in the source of these facts. You are making massive generalisations

Well, I've seen dogs been all my life. I see barking dogs everywhere, every day, with everyone I know who has dogs, in parks, on videos, blahblahblah. Some dogs don't bark. But most do. Going by life experience, you cannot ever convince me dogs don't bark. Just as it's a fact of life men are the way they are 🙂

*dogs bark. Duh.

@YouJustDoYou so you admit these aren't facts but just your own generalised opinions? You simply cannot say half of the population is a certain 'way' and are all driven by exactly the same motives and desires. That's insane.

Well, it's facts that most dogs bark. By some don't. It's strange you don't comprehend that. Also, it's not on to say "insane", it makes light of people with mental health issues. But I wouldn't expect you to understand that 🙂

Most of the age gap bashers on this thread arent interested in debating the ups and downs of an age gap relationship, or understanding how they work.

They're just feeling uncomfortable/jealous/enraged and are using arguments like 'power imbalance' 'nothing in common' etc as a smokescreen so they can moan about it. Basically arguments that could apply to any couple and are foundationless.

I wouldn't waste any more energy trying to explain.

@YouJustDoYou oh no I wasn't making light of anything, I genuinely do find it insane, ridiculous and beyond the realms of any type of common sense that you can argue 50% of the world population are all essentially the same and motivated by the same things. And then to use the analogy of dogs barking as a means of comparison...that's possibly one of the strangest arguments I've seen on MN and that's saying something!

By all means live your life with this bizarre beliefs but try not to judge others on them if you can manage it. It's not how real life works.

Saw a photo the other day, of Bernie Ecclestone and his wife, who must be 2 foot taller and at least 50 years younger .... like any of the Rolling Stones and their girlfriends, I can't help thinking that the pairing is so glaringly wrong that at least you know each party knows what they're getting out of it (money/fame for her, youth/sex for him).

I have a large age gap with my husband. We get on incredibly well. We have uncannily similar characters and very similar backgrounds. On paper we’re a good match in every way bar the age gap. Given that the only draw backs of the relationship were that my husband is quite a bit older and a bit messier than I’d like I was happy to commit to the relationship long term at the cost (most likely although all sorts of things happen) of an earlier widowhood than I would have liked. It’s better than not finding someone to love at all. Or ending up with someone who is unkind or boring. If I ever find myself single in future and decide to start dating again I’m not going to rule out potential partners over something superficial like age. That’s almost as bad as the don’t message me if you’re under six foot brigade.

I think its completely different to a height preference actually. There are lots of practical and financial implications of being with an older man, and given that Lundy Bancroft says that age difference is a red flag precisely because of the abuse angle, it's not at all superficial.

I would be concerned if my daughter came home with a 45 year old boyfriend for many reasons.

Basically arguments that could apply to any couple and are foundationless

They’re clearly not without foundation and it’s disingenuous to pretend otherwise. I don’t think every age-gap relationship is problematic. I do think there is a higher likelihood of a massive imbalance with age gap relationships.

And I say that as someone who is sleeping with an older guy.

@mariequeenofscots

Yes but you're not in a relationship with one. So it's irrelevant.

Can you please evidence how you have come to the conclusion that there is a higher likelihood of power imbalances? Or is that just from a bit of anecdotal evidence?

I've always tended to be attracted to younger men, and many of my friends like younger men as well. Contrary to what we hear about "men aging better", I just don't see it. Look around at couples you know that are about the same age! In our circle of friends - both vanilla and swinging couples, the vast majority of the women have aged better than their male partners. Maybe women look after themselves better? Sunscreen, moisturisers?

I am five years older than my Dh and most people say I look five years younger than him. I really don't think women are much different from men in their attractions - "younger" just tends to look better and that's what we go for.

In the swing scene, there are very few women seeking out older guys, and the older guys feel "left behind", as even the women their own age are not interested, and the younger women want younger men. If you don't believe this, sign up at fabswingers and peruse a while.