Older men are sad pervs?

[Emerald46]

I've read the entire 'Age Gap' thread on here and just feel depressed! Why do men, often in their late forties/early fifties decide now is the time in their life to get together with a much younger woman and is it wrong?

I 'feel' it's wrong but some of the people I've discussed it with have a very ' oh women just like older men' view. I know the reasons why this happens - patriarchy, us all being fed a diet of sexism on films over years and years of attractive older men being flirted with by much younger, scantily clad women etc etc. I know in the bad old days, women weren't encouraged to aspire for a career or financial independence as much as today so older men seemed a safer bet security-wise but....surely that's all in the past now??

I did online dating about six years ago and on match.com and 'my single friend' the men almost always specified 'acceptable' age range for the women they would date to be from much younger - say 20-odd years - up to (if we are lucky) their own age. I didn't join those sites but when I got chatting to men on POF, the men often said things like, "Well women are just as bad, I got a message from a woman in her 60s!!!"....this would be from a man in his 50s. So, he wouldn't consider chatting to a woman10 years younger either then because a ten year gap would be ridiculous? " Oh yes, but women tend to like older men" was the stock reply. It just irritated me so much.

But am I wrong to think this is misogynistic/sexist/sad/pathetic?

I don't think all couples should be aged within a few years of each other. I just find it sad that so many men seem to specifically look for much younger women but never older women. And why do young women date these men?

I'm not bitter - I'm in a happy, long-term (I hope!) relationship with a lovely man (one year younger than me) but I'm curious. And a bit despondent about the male species tonight...

Wolfgirrl are you Donald Trump

"Sad" as a full sentence is such a give away. How much older are you than Melania?

I have a daughter and memories of horrible sleezy, creepy older men with inflated opinions of themselves from my teens and early 20s - that's where I'm coming from.

@anothernotherone

And you think your memories account for all age gap relationships?

I think it's some.
You get women tend to look much better. A guy still dating in his 50s generally isn't looking to settle down, so a lot of the family-related criterion goes out of the window when you're just looking for someone to have a good time with, which Younger women are generally going to be more amenable to too.

Autocorrect was in one:
*I think it's simple.
Younger women tend to look much better.

I find that people who suggest other people are lacking in their relationships because they form an opinion on someone elses are usually incredibly defensive.

It might be useful for them to examine why.

It's not just about looks. They want someone who be in awe of their bullshit. Women their own age can see through it.

@HarrietTheShy

I do hear that a lot, but I don't really think that's the case. What is this bullshit that these men don't want to be "seen through"?
When does this mystical ability that older women have manifest?

I think that looks can account for most of it and probably do.

Yes, I agree with many of the other posters - unfortunately i think it's usually a power thing - i.e. older, moderately successful man can impress a much younger woman and offer the more vulnerable something that appears stable. @wolfgirrl you sound like you're taking this thread as a personal insult and seem very angry and defensive. I don't think the op is criticising women like you - she's just asking the question about older men and why SOME are not attracted to women their own age.

I think some older men who find themselves back in the dating game can be a bit delusional about their attractiveness to younger women.

What is this bullshit that these men don't want to be "seen through"?
In my ex's case, saying both "My wife made me have children" AND "I always wanted a third child and my wife wouldn't let me", for instance.

OLD is a very sexist institution - all the men I encountered were after women several years younger than themselves. men routinely lie about their age. I was mid-late 40s when I was last on, and set my age limit up to 50. I mostly got men mid-late 50s approaching me.

There are double standards when it comes to OLD.

The abuse thing? Lundy Bancroft, and others, list men who go for much younger women as a red flag. it can be a sign that they want to control women. Ime it is a massive red flag - the age gap relationship I have seen was the worse case of control I have seen ever. I would be very wary if my daughter became involved with a much older man.

But I'd also think the man was quite weird (if the age gap was huge) because I'd wonder what the attraction is - no men my age that I know would be interested in a woman my daughter's age. It is just weird.

And finally, I'd advise my daughter against a much older man because while it may seem ok when you are young, ime men age in their 50s, and the age gap becomes more pronounced. I know very few men in their 50s without ED. Once in their 60s a man does become visibly older and I wouldn't want my daughter (Hell, I wouldn't want myself) to be a carer. And plus - I don't think an elderly parent is a good idea.

So yes, my starting point, if my daughter ever came to me with a bf 25 years older than her? it wouldn't be very positive.

@Mostlyhappy4

When I wrote about being in my late 20s and my fiance mid 40s, and how he treats me well, OP put:

When I was late 20s I was finishing my masters and writing my first book. I definitely would not have been interested in a man who wanted to look after me - yuk.

That isn't a question, it is an unnecessarily nasty reply, is it not?

I find it interesting you say 'some' men. I think the vast majority of men are attracted to younger women, although the majority of them don't act on it. It's simple biology, younger women are fertile and men are programmed to find that desirable. So if just fancying younger women makes a man a 'sad perv' then most men fit that description. I dont think being with a woman their own age proves they prefer that, it usually just means they got together when they were both younger iyswim. That is why it is so unusual to see men with older wives - same age yes, younger yes, older generally not.

However like I said, most dont act on it for several reasons. Firstly through loyalty to their wife. Secondly because they know they wouldn't be in with a chance or the opportunity hasn't arisen. I dont know how many fall into which group.

Do I sound angry?! I dont feel it. I suppose I am a little tired of having the defend my fiance, although I accept the choice to post on this forum is entirely mine. It is just tiresome to see the person you love insulted for no good reason.

Oh and I forgot to say, another reason they dont act on it is because they worry about how they would be perceived by family and friends etc.

DP is 51. I am 32. He's hot and lovely
and kind and gorgeous. And to ref and earlier post, FWIW I earn more than him.

As a 52 year old woman that has spent the last 12months OLD I can honestly say that I have never been short of men in the 45 to 55 age group wanting to date me (had 40 plus dates before finding Mr Right )
I do think I have a young outlook, try to dress fashionably,keep fit and generally look after myself so I'm not sure if that makes a difference.
There were plenty of profiles with badly dressed,overweight men who'd let themselves 'go' amongst the offerings which certainly wouldn't interest me so maybe some men feel the need to widen their age criteria as they aren't attracted to women who have ceased to make an effort ...

Im 46, girlfriend is 34, the previous 2 yrs I'd dated, had flings with women ranging from 30-50.
I turned up to the date with no expectations, we got on and fancied each other. As far as I'm aware there was no special manipulation going on.
As for controlling, jesus I've never been as controlled by anyone in my life. Demanding doesn't even begin describe the nature of her personality.

My husband and I met on OLD and he is ten years older. I know when we've watched dating programmes on tv he will say things like 'I wouldn't have dated her. She looks old/haggard'

He sounds like a real charmer @triedandtestedteacher

Its pretty icky but I have a theory that it's related to (subconscious) reproductive strategy.

While men's fertility is affected by age (which for reason, ahem, we didn't highlight until relatively recently and is still not focused on really) ... It's obviously not affected to the sane extent as women's, there'd no definite cliff for the vast majority by 50.
So perhaps, from a reproductive standpoint, having men be interested in/focus on/prioritise child bearing age women, no matter what their age - works.

Obviously this varies by man, perhaps done men are more inclined to be affected by considerations other than relatively base, instinctive ones or whatever other factors affect their behaviour.

Whatever the case some will have success with significantly younger women for a variety of reasons. Sometimes financial security, sometimes the man doesnt actually offer great financial security but had plenty of "game", charm, self assurance, confidence etc. While some are successful, they'll always try.

I actually noticed that for a period in my late 30d I was very sexually attracted to younger men, when I wouldn't have had that preference before. I wondered if it was because I was firing off eggs like nobody's business (and had a crazy sex) drive due to presumably my body knowing we were entering the remaining good years of child bearing. Two sets of aging genetic material is not so great for conception. At least one set of young, prime genetic material in the mix gives a better chance.

LaureBerthaud I think some people are confirming rather than disproving stereotypes without being aware!

Who'd want a boyfriend who describes his girlfriend by saying "demanding doesn't even begin to describe the nature of her personality" like Tiffanysetting ? That's a pretty unpleasant thing to say...

On the financial security front, it would be interesting to see how it affects trends. Women are more and more financially independent and more and more "able" to make partner choices unaffected by a man's financial resources .. I read somewhere that more women are marrying men younger than than ever before but not sure if there are stats for that.

@LaureBerthaud lots of people are armchair critics especially when watching those kinds of shows. A lot of men are not attracted to women 40+ unless she's in unusually great shape and very attractive.

I do believe in evolutionary psychology. Men (of all ages) will always be attracted to women in their early 20s when they're at their peak of fertility. Does that make older men sad and "pervy" or is this just human nature? Obviously most older men will realise they can't get a 22 year old (unless they happen to be rich then it's a bit easier). I realise the fact that men generally prefer younger women makes some women uncomfortable and angry. I say this as a 45 year old woman myself who has a DH 5 years younger than me so I'm well aware there are many exceptions. What I've said above is what I see as a basic principle of attraction. OF COURSE there are many extremely attractive and sexy women in their 40s,50s and older who men lust after. Of course many men like older women (like my DH). Of course its not all about sex and love comes in to it too - then I think age is irrelevant.

Seriously, it's really simple. Sometimes you just meet someone and get along and their age doesn't come into question. It doesn't always have to be about the woman wanting financial security/conforming to the patriarchy/having daddy issues and it doesn't always make the man a perv. Of course there are cases where these things can come into play but there are lots of age gap relationships that do work because the people involved love each other. And who is anyone else to judge that?

that's just bollocks @triedandtestedteacher . Most men in their 40s are attracted to women a similar age give or take 5 years. (they like to aim 5 years younger, bless them but they don't realise that they are also middle aged, saggy, have baggage, financial issues, excess weight, hair loss, yellow teeth and ED and all the rest). I don't know many men who end up with a woman much younger than themselves.

I've done OLD and my boyfriend is 3 years older than me. Any older than that would be too much - I don't want to go out with a 60 year old - and I'm 49.

wow

As a female in my 40s I can guarantee that I have plenty to offer on the relationship front, beyond the shallowness of looks or mere youth.

What utter nonsense. But we are not fishing in the same pools. So no overlap will ever occur.