Older men are sad pervs?

[Emerald46]

I've read the entire 'Age Gap' thread on here and just feel depressed! Why do men, often in their late forties/early fifties decide now is the time in their life to get together with a much younger woman and is it wrong?

I 'feel' it's wrong but some of the people I've discussed it with have a very ' oh women just like older men' view. I know the reasons why this happens - patriarchy, us all being fed a diet of sexism on films over years and years of attractive older men being flirted with by much younger, scantily clad women etc etc. I know in the bad old days, women weren't encouraged to aspire for a career or financial independence as much as today so older men seemed a safer bet security-wise but....surely that's all in the past now??

I did online dating about six years ago and on match.com and 'my single friend' the men almost always specified 'acceptable' age range for the women they would date to be from much younger - say 20-odd years - up to (if we are lucky) their own age. I didn't join those sites but when I got chatting to men on POF, the men often said things like, "Well women are just as bad, I got a message from a woman in her 60s!!!"....this would be from a man in his 50s. So, he wouldn't consider chatting to a woman10 years younger either then because a ten year gap would be ridiculous? " Oh yes, but women tend to like older men" was the stock reply. It just irritated me so much.

But am I wrong to think this is misogynistic/sexist/sad/pathetic?

I don't think all couples should be aged within a few years of each other. I just find it sad that so many men seem to specifically look for much younger women but never older women. And why do young women date these men?

I'm not bitter - I'm in a happy, long-term (I hope!) relationship with a lovely man (one year younger than me) but I'm curious. And a bit despondent about the male species tonight...

Can I call bingo on this thread?

We’ve had “not my Nigels”, “women do it toooooo” and “meany bullies, the poor men”.

MN really should offer prizes.

@MarieQueenofScots you mean people providing counter arguments to your view? Feel free to mock but please accept that whether you like it or not, healthy age gap relationships can and do exist. I'm really confused as to why people are so determined to prove otherwise.

If it's not your thing that's fine but why do you want to carry on insisting that there's something wrong with it? Why can't you live and let live rather than judgement people you don't even know...

you mean people providing counter arguments to your view?

Counter arguments are productive. Trite meaningless sound bites aren’t.

Not sure if you’ve read the thread but would appreciate not being tagged. I still get notifications even though I’ve turned the facility off.

Thanks

@mariequeenofscots

I think your arguments are trite meaningless sound bites.

They're all just assumptions you have zero evidence for.

In the swing scene, there are very few women seeking out older guys, and the older guys feel "left behind", as even the women their own age are not interested, and the younger women want younger men.

That is interesting. I was always worried that the swing scene was abusive or coercive Male dominated. I have no experience so it’s actually interesting to hear!

I do think that are power ‘issues’ and imbalances with large age gaps. Trade off relationships. One trades youth, the other trades security or being grateful I guess! Two of the marriages I know started as the younger women being employed by their older male boss.

We’ve had “not my Nigels”, “women do it toooooo” and “meany bullies, the poor men”. I have to say I agree with this!

I find it weird as we women, mostly us older women trying to date guys our age, who have ZERO interest as we are not at least 15 years younger...

Or women who with kids who have been divorced by husbands trading in for younger models...

This isn’t fun for us! I’m going to admit it. Yes I am pretty upset that the man I had children with wanted a woman 20 years younger suddenly when I hit 40... not nice!

Many men are sleazy pervs. It just seems sadder when older guys do it if it's with someone with whom they don't have a chance in hell.

I think biology works to some extent. It is programmed into Men to like youngish women of child bearing age (whether they actually want children or not). A lot of youngish women would be happer with an older man, because they are usually well-established into their careers, and have more security.
Obviously, I only mean some men and only some women, but assume this is a biological thing.
I do think it a bit pervy though, depending on the age gap.

The swing scene can be a bit 1970s in a bad way. Consent is a misunderstood concept for some, and there are uncomfortable statements on profiles about race, gender and (bi)sexuality that would be more at home in a bygone era. Women are at an advantage in terms of choice though, and older men can complain they struggle to get meets because of age. I'm not sure if it's age or beer belly though, or fear of ED issues perhaps?

@MarieQueenofScots

Yes I have read the thread :)

I am curious about why you have such strong opinions and judgements on the lives of others. It's quite strange to feel that strongly about other people's preferences and be so reticent to accept that some people can be happy. I think the word might be bitter ;)

It really annoys me when people say that men just want to control younger women. It’s complete bollocks

Some do, some don't.

It's not an "all" thing, rarely is anything an all thing.

Just because your experience of a relationship with s man nearly twenty yrs older has been positive does not mean that many other women's have been.

I’m not sure all men want to control younger women. But the ‘trade off’ element is usually there. Men seem to want to:

• show off to other men - look at me! Look how virile and fit I am to bag this young one.
• have someone look up to them and make them feel important and experienced.

@GilbertMarkham on the flip side of that argument then the title of this thread should have been 'some older men are sad perves'

I agree with you that it's rarely an 'all of them' issue but lots of people here seem to want to ignore and positive anecdotes or experience or suggest it is a 'not my Nigel' mentality. Which is just a dumb argument.

The film director John Derek was definitely a sad old perv:

www.facebook.com/AmoMamaNostalgia/videos/138248554282379/

Boris Johnson is a sad old perv too.

Saying not my Nigel is more legitimate than trying to say all older men in gap ago relationships are sad old pervs...
The age gap itself in one relationship does not make a man an abuser or a sad old perv... lots of people are indeed in healthy positive age gap relationships and that's up to them! That doesnt mean there arent lots of creepy old pervs out there doing the rounds too.. but please can we stop trying to say that the creepy old pervs make every age gap relationship where the woman is younger, disgusting or wrong...
As some people have already said theres some biological reasons on top of societal misogynistic stuff... it's hard to detangle this.. men often do not have to make the life choices women do as early as they do.. their fertility lasts a lot longer... so it is often the case that men arent ready to 'settle down'with a partner until latr in life than women.. that's obviously a generalisation.. but certainly for me.. I was at exactly the same place in my life as my husband who is 17 years older than me when we met.. and we went on to enter our first marriage together, buy our first house have our first children... firsts for both of us... not just as a couple.
The guy I had been with previous to that who was only a year older than me... couldnt even deal with sharing a flat and ran off... and who knows.. maybe when he hits his 40s he will suddenly decide he wants those things like a family and a house... and will find a woman young enough to give him a family.

"older men can complain they struggle to get meets because of age"

We need to distinguish between the men women are attracted to for short term liasons or FWB relationships, and those they will publicly commit to. When it comes to commitment, there is a stigma against women being seen to commit to much younger men.

However for private sexual relationships women will often prefer younger men. Obviously in swinger clubs this can lead to older men who aren't very youthful looking being at a disadvantage.

plantlover101

Wow. You’re a delight, aren’t you? Your mother must be so proud

I still don't understand how anyone can have anything against a healthy relationship- particularly one that has nothing to do with them - simply because of an age gap

This is such a ridiculous overgeneralisation. My mother was 23 years younger than my father and they managed 35 happy years together before he passed away. Then she passed away quite young just two years after him. They were both professionals, she more academically qualified, she was financially solvent prior to them meeting...
It’s finding someone you can be in a mutually respectful relationship with that matters, not age or other things you cannot help.

HonestCentrist, I lost my darling mother some years ago. But for the record, she was very proud of me.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that ALL older men who pursue younger women are sad pervs - just some - I think the then 45-year-old John Derek can safely be classed a sad old perv for starting a relationship with Bo Derek when she was aged just 15.
And I think Boris Johnson is a sad old perv too, having cheated repeatedly on both former wives, impregnating his OWs and fathering "5 or 6" children, according to Wikipedia, with yet another on the way. This is the person who apparently could not understand why it was not okay to have more than one woman on the go - in fact, he claimed it was a necessity as he had "too much spu*k" in his body that he "had to get rid of". This is well documented. I actually think Boris would take it as a compliment to be called a "sad perv".
I stand by my assertion that the vast most men are primarily attracted to women for their looks and physical attributes rather than their personality, intellectual ability or professional accomplishments. It's just the way it is, whether women find that acceptable or not.

That most men.

My DH is 13 years older than me. I have had relationships with men older than him in the past as well as those within a few years off my own age. Some are arseholes, some aren't, the ones nearer my own age in my early 20s were the worst though. One man I went out with who was 22 years older was manipulative, he was recently separated and used me to blame various things on (for instance me telling a friend we were together who knew his niece and his XW kicked off at him). I was 18 and it may have been unwise of me but I had no idea that i had done anything wrong as in my naivety assumed when separated it was over. Another guy was 24 years older and I ended things as he was more immature than me.

XH was 5 years older and he was a controlling, jealous, nasty person. DH is lovely, kind, not abusive in any way. 13 years isnt a huge gap but I was 25 and him 38 when we met so a big gap at that point.

Age wise there is no difference physically at this stage (40 and 53). I am probably the more dominant partner as he is quite laid back and we both earn similar so things are pretty equal.

I think it is narrow minded and shows a lack of intelligence to make such sweeping statements. That said I am not saying a 40 yo persuing a 17/18 year old is ok of course but someone who is a fully fledged adult deciding they want a relationship with an older is fine IMO.