Older men are sad pervs?

[Emerald46]

I've read the entire 'Age Gap' thread on here and just feel depressed! Why do men, often in their late forties/early fifties decide now is the time in their life to get together with a much younger woman and is it wrong?

I 'feel' it's wrong but some of the people I've discussed it with have a very ' oh women just like older men' view. I know the reasons why this happens - patriarchy, us all being fed a diet of sexism on films over years and years of attractive older men being flirted with by much younger, scantily clad women etc etc. I know in the bad old days, women weren't encouraged to aspire for a career or financial independence as much as today so older men seemed a safer bet security-wise but....surely that's all in the past now??

I did online dating about six years ago and on match.com and 'my single friend' the men almost always specified 'acceptable' age range for the women they would date to be from much younger - say 20-odd years - up to (if we are lucky) their own age. I didn't join those sites but when I got chatting to men on POF, the men often said things like, "Well women are just as bad, I got a message from a woman in her 60s!!!"....this would be from a man in his 50s. So, he wouldn't consider chatting to a woman10 years younger either then because a ten year gap would be ridiculous? " Oh yes, but women tend to like older men" was the stock reply. It just irritated me so much.

But am I wrong to think this is misogynistic/sexist/sad/pathetic?

I don't think all couples should be aged within a few years of each other. I just find it sad that so many men seem to specifically look for much younger women but never older women. And why do young women date these men?

I'm not bitter - I'm in a happy, long-term (I hope!) relationship with a lovely man (one year younger than me) but I'm curious. And a bit despondent about the male species tonight...

I think most women have a problem with age gap relationships regardless of the gender of the older person. I have dated a younger man, and people were fine until they found out how young he was. I'm in my 50s and he was 30. I didn't feel used, and he treated me well. After that I dated a man in his 40s who was immature idiot. Age makes no difference as far as attitude goes. But men my age are mostly ready to put their be-slippered feet up and settle into their favourite armchair. I'm just nit ready for that lifestyle just yet. I can not understand what a 20something woman with her whole life ahead of her would want with a man of that age

A lot of men are not attracted to women 40+ unless she's in unusually great shape and very attractive

@triedandtestedteacher
And you and your DH are both of the above? Or at least he thinks he is.

@LaureBerthaud what you think you are and what you are aren't the same. To me he is obviously. I'm just saying a lot of men tend to have rather high ( if delusional) expectations

Well said, bigbird32

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners thank you I honestly can't imagine having the time to get all het up about another persons relationship when it's over something as trivial as an age gap. Bizarre.

This is probably TAAT (sorry etc) but I remember seeing another age gap relationship thread on here some time ago and one poster was very politely explaining why her relationship with an older man worked and how she was happy and so on. Another poster responded with something like 'well just so you know, everyone is laughing at you.' Wtf...

Let people get on with their lives. If it's not your preference that's cool but why judge and mock the alleged motives behind any relationship? Especially if you don't even know the people involved and are simply making generalisations!

All of the above, haven't much to add. I do agree strongly with the idea that some men (I said some!) go out with serial younger women because the young women haven't the life experience to see through their bullshit (my ex was a psycho, she wouldn't let me see the kids. Also here are my Amazing Opinions and impressive record collection). I've seen it. I think men are more vain and susceptible to flattery than women.

Yes I agree, there's a lot of opportunities for man in older men/much younger woman dynamic to reinvent history - 'she was neurotic, not like you, youre really fun'... until New woman isn't new any more and doesn't like him letching over other young women.... Anyway, I have no axe to grind. I'm very lucky and no personal complaints - this is not how my ex and father of my children is or was and we are still friendly. I just think it's telling that the women in these relationships are often quick to trot out these old stereotypical arguments.

I don’t think it’s necessarily an age thing but there is something a little galling about an older man deciding to shack up with a woman half his age. To me it’s usually a status/ego thing for men- look at me pulling this young bird, check out how powerful I am.

Having said that, young men can definitely be perverts too.

The thread is a TAAT and ageist.

I can understand that people might be attracted to partners much older or younger than themselves and have very fulfilling relationships. What is galling is how many older men perceive women their own age to be past it, when usually the women are more attractive and fitter than them.

I dont get how people can openly comment that they automatically find age gap relationships grim or icky - why?

Maybe you find power relations grim or men deciding they only want a younger woman grim.

But if two people love each other regardless of age and there is nothing underhand going on, then why does it matter? I find it really odd people feel they can openly judge someone's relationship choice - when there is nothing wrong to judge.

Yes I have an older partner. No I didnt choose him for his age. I earn more than him. Oh and I have a PhD and have written 9 books

He happily looks after my kids, adores me, is great around the house etc etc ... ie just everything I'd want anyway.

No we dont have the same cultural references. It's great conversation. And hes useful for the kids 'history' questions

Yes of course I'll likely end up caring for him. Always knew that and we've discussed it lots. But you know... I love him. That's part of love.

Oh and hes in his 70s and no ED so sod off that every man over 50 automatically does

There was a recent study that looked at age gap relationships and public perceptions. In reality they found very few power imbalances - less so than same age relationships. They found that some people hated the older man scenario as they believed the younger woman was benefitting in some way - money usually, even though that usually wasnt true.

So their scorn was actually jealousy...

Age gap relationship here. There is 16 years between myself and my fiancée and I can quite happily say he’s not a perv.

We’ve been together a good 5 years and what an absolute corker he is. He is awesome, he’s considerate, amazing, generous, loving, kind, funny, handsome and everything in between. He has taken on both my DCs (much younger than his) no questions asked, both of which absolutely love him.

I’ve never once questioned his ‘perviness’ but In all honesty I often question myself, as to whether or not I am actually good enough for him.

Most men are sad pervs, never mind most old men.

I'm 39, do you have ANY idea how many men in their 20's approach me and ask for my number or just to hook up or just to talk to me?? It's very, very common!!!!

Equally men in their 50's and 60's do too. It isn't an age thing, it's a man thing!

You are not wrong at all. It’s endemic.

I don’t know what we can do. My brother married a woman 15 years younger. She’s moody as hell but hey she’s young apparently. My lovely mother remarried a man 12 years older, as she felt she had to take the first man who liked her and tbh she did like to feel looked after. My father left my mother to have a string of girlfriends much younger and then married a woman who is 17 years younger, and let’s just say it wasn’t a meeting of minds. He’s become boring as hell and my relationship has disappeared, I guess all his attention went from family to feeling virile and important and on his pretty young but small minded wife...

And my ex, left when our child was a baby and now is with a woman 20 years younger... apparently she looks up to him and thinks he’s mature. Compared to her he is, compared to a woman his own age he’s a sad underachiever who can’t cope with any responsibility.

Bitter me?! Sigh... I don’t know. Women will go off, with older men, so until that stops I don’t know what we can get men to do. However I do think older men leaving their marriages for younger women is absolutely tragic long term survival of our families. It leaves awful scars and is just horrific really.

@DM1209 I’m 39, do you have ANY idea how many men in their 20's approach me and ask for my number or just to hook up or just to talk to me?? It's very, very common!!!! yes I agree I had that at age 40 but I tell you only 0.1% want a relationship. They all just want sex and could not bear to be public let alone married to a woman older than them. Just look at the stats. Very very rare.

Because younger women are more attractive than older ones? If I were 50 and an attractive 30 yo wants me, why not? And many old women are pervs too, ive seen older women sexually harass younger men on night outs and think its acceptable.

@Whereismycatnow because unfortunately it is almost exclusively men with younger women. It is not purely individuals making a choice without cultural issues influencing that choice. It is awkward and painful to look at as it is individuals, and no one wants to admit or look honestly at why they made that choice.

I look at all the people that I know, their marriages, and the happiest, most equal, are the ones closest in age. Every single one of the big age gap marriages I know are based on things that we’d rather sweep under the carpet, such as men choosing a woman not based on her substance, but her youth to make themselves feel good, and for women to feel looked after and looking up to a more experienced person. No one ever wants to admit that but it is glaringly obvious.

I've always been chased by younger men, & had several long-term relationships with younger guys. I just seem to click with them better & find them far more attractive than men my age. I have been told I look a good ten years younger though than I actually am.
Happiest relationship of all is my current and hopefully forever one, he's 34 & I'm 55. No-one has ever mentioned the age gap in the 4 years we've been together. When you have a meeting of minds age becomes pretty irrelevant.

I agree with the OP - older men want younger women by and large.

Come off it guys, I mean, what planet are you living on if you think this isn't true? Rich older men are NOT looking to date or marry women their own age: look at Paul Hollywood, Rick Stein, Michael Douglas, Al Pacino, Harrison Ford, Donald Trump, John Cleese, Kelsey Grammer, Rupert Murdoch, Ronnie Wood, Rod Stewart... need I go on?

The only exception I can think of is Prince Charles!

I have heard older men say of women their own age: "They just look old". "Older women lose their looks and then men aren't interested. "It's just nature." etc etc

Ladies, be under no illusion - men are NOT interested in our personalities, intelligence or career accomplishments. They assess us primarily on our looks and physical attributes!

I know a surgeon in his late sixties who got married recently. Was his new wife an accomplished businesswoman, scientist or academic of a similar age? Nope. She is a Thai waitress less than half his age with no qualifications except for having a bottom the shape of a perfect ripe peach.

That's men for you!

@Plantlover101

I think personality plays into it, it just doesn't play into the same way as it does with women. I don't think most men care about how ambitious their partner is, for example.

They just want someone nice that they get on with, which is a pretty low bar compared to, for example, being at least as career driven as them, which I think most women would have as a consideration.

Those personality traits are abundant, so of you can go for a version that was also nicer to look at, it would make sense.

Men just don't enter into relationships with the same requirements of a partner. That doesn't mean that none exist.

It's not complicated. Older men want to date younger women because they're more sexually attractive. In the shallow world of OLD etc, that counts for a lot. In looking for a life partner, not so much. But not everybody's looking for a life partner.

Men generally are pervs, viewed from the standards of women. It's not an age thing. Maybe we notice the perviness of a 50 year old man going after a 25 year old woman when all he wants is sex more than that of a 25 year old man going after a 25 year old woman when all he wants is sex, because it's more obvious that all he wants is sex. It's not really any different though. They're both just trying to have sex with someone they're strongly attracted to.

When I was late 20s I was finishing my masters and writing my first book. I definitely would not have been interested in a man who wanted to look after me - yuk.

When I was in my late 20s I was finishing off my PhD, starting a successful business and also married to a man 15 years my senior.

I dont think dating an older man necessarily has anything to do with "being looked after". My brother is the same age as his 34 year old wife and "looks after her", I now outearn my equally successful older DH. That is not dependent on age but personality as some people enjoy being

Why cant a young woman date an older man because she wants to and it not be reduced to her being an airhead, wanting a comfortable life, not knowing how to have a decent conversation.

Young women can be intelligent, successful and well adjusted and still choose to date an older man. Young women can also date older men because he has more money, is not looking for commitment etc, just like a younger man but it's her choice. The only people constantly asking or baffled by why I would marry an older man are women his age. My question is why? You are free to date older, younger or men your own age, why should Sarah's choice from next door bother you or be a talking point or endless source of criticism?

I'm middle aged. My older ex husband clearly preferred younger women. Everyone I met OLD ended up with a younger woman and my most recent ex was my age and kept creeping around behind my back with much younger women. It breaks my heart really.
I'm not unattractive and always looked much younger than I am.
I still get attention from guys but life pressures mean I'm really showing my age now. every time I get my hopes up I'll always bump into them or see them on social media etc with a younger, slimmer woman.

I've had loads of offers from much younger men but I don't fancy them at all. And it is a terrible thing for me to say but I have such a negative view of my body, I think a young man would be absolutely horrified.

Lots of young men are really attracted to older women and prefer their bodies. I have the same issue of not really fancying them, but don't let a lack of body self confidence put you off if you want to sleep with them. It might boost your self esteem enormously to see they really do fancuy you. It's natures way of redressing the balance (or something to do with mummy/daddy issues )

I can see why a lot of older women would be puzzled by a younger woman's choice of an older man. When I was in my 20s I didn't know a single woman who dated anyone 15 years older than them, so I would be interested in why they found them attractive. I certainly didn't. My love of men seems to have grown age wise as I have - so in my 20s I only dated men the same age as me, 30s same age or a bit older, by late 40s I am only really attracted to men in their mid 40s or older. I don't know why. I just wish they came with younger cocks but viagra is great for that. It's their confidence without cockiness that I like, and understanding of women. Perfectly, the ones who like younger women are self selected out. Saves me sorting through the chaff.
With women, I find women in their 40s often, or even usually, have better bodies than women in their 20s, which isn't really how it should be but seems to be how it is. Women in their 20s and 30s also seem very keen on women in their 40s

(In other words, it's great being a bi woman in your 40s)