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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp constantly moans about my boobs

346 replies

Mumofthree1984 · 13/04/2020 16:05

Sorry for the rant but I'm so so so pissed off. Dp constantly moans about my boobs, yes they are quite big a 38 DD/E he hated me wearing balcony bras so I took him with me to get fitted in M&S into full cup bras (his choice) a pack of two padded and 2 lacey, he was ok with these at the time. My black padded one has somehow gone missing, I'm. Sure it's in the house somewhere but with 5 of us living here probably got mixed up somewhere. Any way he hates me wearing low cut tops, when I say low cut they aren't the type that my tits are literally hanging out, in fact u can't even see my cleavage just my chest. He says it's if I. Lean forward u can see done some of them. This is becoming very very very draining. I even ripped a bra off in an argument well actually 2 now, we were going up to the cemetary to visit my dads grave, all ready to leave and he starts, we'll that tops a bit revealing, i was so angry, it's not even showing anything! I ripped the top. Off anf the bra, so. Now I'm. Down to 1 bra yes 1, i refuse to buy anymore, I can't afford it, i said why don't we just cut my boobs off, that's the last option we have. I'm not wearing turtle necks all year, so. Now I'm sat in my pyjamas really annoyed whilst he is in my room. Going through all my tops! I've had enough seriously enough

OP posts:
Duckingell · 14/04/2020 09:07

He is NOT a lovely bloke.

Get rid of him.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2020 09:10

OP: 'He's a lovely bloke really

MN: 'No he's not. He's a pig.

OP: Lalalalalala

CodenameVillanelle · 14/04/2020 09:12

he is well unless it is an act is a nice man deep down with a big heart
Yes, FFS it's an act. The controlling, weird, possessive, coercive him is the real him. Never wade through shit to find the 'deep down' nice guy because it's not there. The shit is the real him.

Tigersneeze · 14/04/2020 09:13

but wouldn't let me go alone yesterday as he said he didn't want me to go
^
He is textbook controlling.

I understand in your head you just wanted advice for the bra problem in your original post, you never thought he was controlling overall. but now responses here are rather telling - can you see how strong the overall reaction is? the replies are likely from people who went through relationships like yours and escaped, please consider their advise.

Run for the hills this will only get worse and worse.

TheWordmeister · 14/04/2020 09:16

Is this for real?

If it is, more fool you.

goldfishkiss · 14/04/2020 09:19

This is really bad OP, only problematic boob here is him.

user765 · 14/04/2020 09:24

My ex used to apologise and would even say it was all his issues, his insecurity, then you feel sorry for him. Then it starts again. It is the cycle of abuse and why people stay in abusive relationships.

My ex goes to church, he volunteered at oxfam. He picked up a homeless man who was hitchhiking (Then bragged about it for about 6 months). My ex was abusive and controlling. He was found guilty of all counts in court of this. One of his defences was ‘But I have an altruistic personality’. I am not joking, it was cringeworthy.

Displaying outward indications of empathy is not the same as actually having empathy. You will never know if he actually is able to empathise. Or perhaps he uses his ability to empathise in order to manipulate you. At the end of the day, you don’t treat people you love like this. I know it is hard hearing this as I’ve been there, and it takes a long time to unpick it all because you do internalise the things they say over the years. Xx

Greenpop21 · 14/04/2020 09:27

You married him?????

TheVanguardSix · 14/04/2020 09:29

I think you two deserve each other. You haven't put your kids first at all. They are struggling with THIS man. They are struggling because they miss their actual dad and they're not seeing him. Your daughters are struggling! You have 3 children who need you to screw your head on for THEM, not this pretend stepdad you've dragged in from the local bogland to play house with. FFS, OP. Stick your head in a basin of ice and wake up.
Maybe you need to quit bra shopping with numpty and sort your priorities out.

OliviaBenson · 14/04/2020 09:33

it's little things like that where I think arghhhh

But you are ignoring a massive thing. Huge. Red. Flag.

No abuser is horrible all the time, otherwise they'd never get anyone to fall for them in the first place.

Can you not see how messed up this is? Aside from anything else why on earth are you trying for a baby with a partner of 12months? Where are your boundaries? Was it his idea to try for a baby op? I'm concerned it's another way of controlling you.

PutYourBackIntoit · 14/04/2020 09:33

You say if you live in your uniform and dressing gown that that would solve all the issues. Try it.

I mean that with kindness. I think you know it won't.

CorianderLord · 14/04/2020 09:36

What would he do if you just said 'don't be stupid let's go'? Would be sulk? Hit you? Leave you?

If you're afraid he'll hit you then you've got bigger problems than the bra.

Also the cat thing is weird as fuck and dangerous

MadamShazam · 14/04/2020 09:37

Another vote here for LTB. He is controlling and paranoid and believe me he will get worse. I had an ex who started off pulling this kind of shit. It always gets worse.

pooopypants · 14/04/2020 09:39

Please stop having unprotected sex with this 'man' and realise that this will be one more thing to control you with. Over time there will be more, smaller things - who you're talking to, who you saw at work, who you're texting, what you eat..... it will get worse OP.

Please PLEASE do yourself and your DC justice and get the fuck away from him, imagine your children seeing how he treats you, because they will repeat that behaviour when they're older.

Quartz2208 · 14/04/2020 09:40

Let me guess your ex was abusive across the board. So because he does things that most people would do you have elevated that up into him being wonderful and then ignore the abusive elements. So rather than being in your eyes 100% abusive he is only 20%
The only level of acceptable is 0. Think of what you are putting your children through. What behaviours they are seeing you do because of this one area.
It may only be for you one thing. But it is still one too many when it is on this scale and affecting how you behave

GilbertMarkham · 14/04/2020 09:45

said he shouldn't feel so insecure, but I've a feeling like u all say it will not go away

You're right op.

In my experience it won't.

They say it's insecurity because they are aware at some level that they are deeply insecure (though not willing or able to do the work on themselves to change that - they always revert to controlling you instead).

Bit they also say they're insecure because they know it's makes you sympathetic and go easy on them, and let them.away with it.

Thing is the insecurity is only part of it - I found that beneath that there are always some quite extreme views about women, men, sex etc. That's what underpins a lot of it. And its their core values ... Virtually impossible to change.

What about his previous relationships - do you know anything about them. I was told why my controlling ex's relationships ended by him, but the longer we were together,the more he let little things slip ... And it became clear him bring controlling had been a factor in ending the relationships. He'd never ever admit that though, because inside these guys truly believe they are right, and that you are the one being unreasonable by having a problem with their controlling behaviour.

Insecurity is insecurity, we have have some ... But when you turn it on your partner by controlling them; that's when you essentially become an abuser. That's when you're not relationship material.

This is not a small issue, it's actually a big one that will taint your entire relationship. It's very hard and sad and deeply disappointing etc etc but honestly the sooner you come to terms with him being deeply flawed and extremely unlikely to change, and therefore not really a good partner, the better. Because you'll either have to live your life like this (which is abuse when it comes down to it) or you'll have to get free.

ContessaferJones · 14/04/2020 09:45

OP, basically you're saying that he is fine apart from his need to control your appearance. He's fine apart from the fact that he is making you alter your behavior in order to soothe his anxieties.

Saudi Arabia is the extreme version of this (I have lived there so not just talking out of my arse). A significant number of men there (and elsewhere in the world, sadly) genuinely consider that it is women's responsibility to be as covered and modest as possible so as not to inflame male sensibilities. These men live in fear of their wives/daughters/sisters being seen and lusted over by men. If said men do attack, then obviously the woman is a total whore who wanted it because otherwise she'd have done a better job of hiding.

The above may sound like hyperbole but there's a whole country run that way - I wouldn't choose that sort of life myself. A lot of these men are also generally kind to children and animals, in case you were wondering.

BilboBercow · 14/04/2020 10:00

Op your standards are on the floor. You're setting your DDs up for a lifetime of being shit on.

Why have you absolutely no money, can you explain that? Does he work and contribute? Because if you have no money now, how are you going to afford a new DC?

BackseatCookers · 14/04/2020 10:05

Just because you've escaped a 10/10 wanker, it doesn't mean you should accept a 7/10 wanker.

LovingLola · 14/04/2020 10:25

I wouldn't say I was a desperate mug

I’m sorry but you are.
You’re also ensuring that your children will have a completely fucked up life.
You have a choice - they have none.
When your daughters reach puberty he will start on them and their breasts and bras.

Wannabangbang · 14/04/2020 10:59

Just because he has some endearing features, doesn't excuse being an abuser. They have to have something endearing about them to hook you in. Can't reel you in otherwise, go figure

AprilFloundering · 14/04/2020 11:55

He's controlling you through his insecurities.

Telling you you can't dress how you want to dress.
Telling you you can't go out alone because he doesn't want you to.
Picking out your clothes/binning clothes he doesn't like.
He's not being a gentleman; he's being a controlling arse who think men are superior.

Please don't make your children grow up thinking this is normal.
Please don't have one with him.

Get counseling and get out.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 14/04/2020 12:06

You aren't listening OP.

Go back to the start of the thread and read it all again.

Cherrysoup · 14/04/2020 12:22

I read what you said about him having empathy, dead cat etc, however, he is controlling and manipulative. He wouldn’t let you go out alone, doesn’t want other men to look at you? He is NOT a nice man, OP. Please stop TTC, you will not want to be tied to him forever.

NW2SW · 14/04/2020 12:25

OP I think the gravity of his behaviour is harder to wrap your head around, because as women we're basically taught to be ashamed of our bodies... but how would you feel if he made you cover up your; intellect "you sound stupid", your sense of humour "no one wants to hear you", your career ^"stop showing off"?
^
It doesn't feel right really, does it? And that's because it's not.